A Very Cuban Christmas

Gloria Estefan… Cecily Strong

Pitbull… Taran Killam

Hurley…Bobby Moynihan

Tony Montana… Kyle Mooney

Tony’s girlfriend… Amy Adams

Elian Gonzalez… Pete Davidson

Diana Nyad… Kate McKinnon

Cuba Gooding Jr. … Kenan Thompson

Rahul Castro… Fred Armisen

Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with logos of NBC and CUBA VISION]

Male voice: The following is a joint podcast from NBC and CUBA VISION.

[Cut to ‘A Very Cuban Christmas’ intro]

Male voice: It’s a very Cuban Christmas with your very Cuban host, [Cut to Gloria Estefan and Pitbull] Gloria Estefan and Pitbull.

[cheers and applause]

Gloria Estefan: Alright! [speaks in Cuban language]

Pitbull: [speaks in Cuban language] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Gloria Estefan: Tonight we celebrate the fact that Cuba and the United States have resumed diplomatic relations after 50 years.

Pitbull: Now, later on in the program, we welcome Cuban baseball legend, Jose Canseco who’s gonna show us how to reattach a finger after shooting off your own hand.

Gloria Estefan: That’s gonna be fun.

Pitbull: But first, a word from our sponsor.

Male voice: A Very Cuban Christmas is sponsored by [Cut to an old car] 1957 Chevy Bel Air. ‘It’s Our Newest Car’.

[Cut to Pitbull]

Pitbull: Okay, now obviously, Cuba is very excited about having American tourists. Gloria, don’t you have something to say about that?

Gloria Estefan: Oh, you know I do.

[music playing] [Gloria Estefan walks in with two back up dancers.] [singing] Come everybody, visit Cuba
spend all your money on cigars and scuba
so much better here than in a room-a
maybe give us one of your aromas please

[Cut to Hurley]

Hurley: Ha-ha-ha. That’s right. Modern electronic sure are hard to come by here in Cuba. Hi, I’m Hurley from Lost. And yes, I am Cuban, dude. And so is our next guest. Scarface himself, Tony Montana.

[Cut to Tony Montana]

Tony Montana: That’s right. Here I am and I brought my girlfriend too. You okay baby?

[Tony’s girlfriend walks in. She has cocaine all over her nose.]

Tony’s girlfriend: I’m way okay.

Tony Montana: Now, the best news is the embargo in Cuba has been lifted. Tell them what that means, baby.

Tony’s girlfriend: First, we get the money. Then we get the cellphone. Then we get the Walmart.

Tony Montana: That’s right. Now why don’t you say hello to my little friend? It’s Elian Gonzalez.

[Elian Gonzalez walks in]

He’s a grown up.

Elian Gonzalez: Hello everyone.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: You’re sort of a folk hero here in Cuba. You crossed the ocean to America in a boat back in 1999.

[Diana Nyad walks in a swimming costume]

Diana Nyad: Oh, that’s not a hero.

Gloria Estefan: Excuse me. Who are you?

Diana Nyad: I’m an American swimmer Diana Nyad. [Cut to Diana Nyad] Hey! You came to America in a boat? Oh! Big whoop! I swam the Cuba! 90 miles of open ocean you little bitch! It’s called America. Look it up. Oh!

[Cut to Gloria Estefan, Tony Montana, Tony’s girlfriend and Elian Gonzalez]

Gloria Estefan: Okay, let’s hear a word from our other sponsor.

[Cut to an old man holding a small teacup.]

Male voice: Tiny Cups of Coffee. You have just enough energy to sit in a folding chair outside of a bakery? Then get a Tiny Cup of Coffee.

[Cut to Cuba Gooding Jr.]

Cuba Gooding Jr.: Ha-ha. So fun. Hi, I am Cuba Gooding Jr. I’m not actually Cuban. But yeah, yeah. I’m pulling this for free. Let me introduce you to the man behind this entire agreement, Cuba’s de facto leader, Rahul Castro.

[Rahul Castro walks in]

Rahul Castro: Ola, welcome to Cuba. On behalf of myself and my brother Fidel, or should I say Papa Noel. That’s pretty fun. Also joining us live from his vacation in Hawaii is my new best friend and your socialist president, Barack Obama.

[Cut to split screen of Rahul Castro and Barack Obama]

Barack Obama: Hold on! Wait, did you say socialist?

Rahul Castro: And as part of our deal, all Cubans now have full access to Obamacare.

Barack Obama: Nope.

Rahul Castro: Which is not really great option if they want worse healthcare. Also, this is very exciting, all Cubans are now are about to be full Jewish citizens.

Barack Obama: No, that’s not accurate. Okay, I’m starting to have second thoughts about this–

[Barack Obama’s channel is disrupted.]

Rahul Castro: Looks like we lost him there. [Cut to Rahul Castro] Again, we only have one cellphone tower for 11 million people and it’s actually just a stack of all bicycles.

[Gloria Estefan walks in]

Gloria Estefan: Remember now, Cuba isn’t only about Christmas. In fact, if it’s anything like Miami, Cuba will soon be 80% Jewish. So to close the show, here’s Pitbull with his special Hanukkah song.

[Rahul Castro and Gloria Estefan leave the stage while Pitbull walks in with two ladies backup dancers.]

Pitbull: Ha-ha-ha-ha. This one’s for all my Jews out there celebrating Christmas. Dos, thres, Pitbull…

[music playing] [rapping] swing your dreidel round and round
man who said is going down
eight nights line up the crow
Jews and Cuba are holy brown

Jews! You driving me crazy!

[Gloria Estefan and Rahul Castro walk in]

Gloria Estefan: Thanks for watching.

[cheers and applause]