Customer Service

Kumail Nanjiani

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Kumail narrating: I was working at a call center in Pakistan at the time doing customer service for Gucci online orders. It mostly entailed getting yelled at by Americans over missing packages, damaged merchandise or wrong orders.

Kumail: Billing. Billing address. Billing.

Kumail narrating: Sometimes they would have a hard time understanding me because of my accent, which would fill them with that red, white and blue rage I had come to fear. Every now and then though, the customer would be calm and even friendly. And sometimes I would hear a longing in their voice. A longing that they had been trying to satisfy with compulsive online shopping but ultimately just needed to be heard. That was the case with this woman. I’ll always remember the first time I ever spoke to her.

Kumail: First and last name please?

Melania Trump: Melania Trump.

Kumail: Excuse me?

Melania Trump: Trump. Like, towers in the sky.

Kumail narrating: She asked me a little bit about myself.

Melania Trump: Where are you from?

Kumail narrating: Then very abruptly told me about her nightmares. she said she dreamt of a blue eyed panther drinking by a river, looking up at her and calmly saying–

Melania Trump: “Be careful what you wish for.”

Kumail narrating: Over the next few months, I became her confidant, dream journal, and one true friend. My shift started at mid-night and on occasion, I’d listen to her till dawn.

Kumail: Well, have you talked to him about that?

Melania Trump: It’s difficult to talk to him about things that are not solid, you know, things that are abstract.

Kumail: Right.

Kumail narrating: She ordered over $400,000 worth of handbags and purposely put in the wrong address just so she could call and chat.

Melania Trump: Oh, did I say red house? I meant White House.

Kumail narrating: She told me she was often criticized for not doing enough to prevent bullying.

Melania Trump: If Donald is bully and I am married to Donald, am I helping bully?

Kumail narrating: But I related to her cause because I struggled with that problem myself. [Kumail is being pushed around in his office] We’re both staring at the world from the outside as if through the sheet of glass.

Melania Trump: If you don’t like this job, why don’t you quit?

Kumail: Because then I wouldn’t have any money.

Melania Trump: You are very interesting man.

Kumail narrating: She told me that some time ago, she found a spider in a bouquet. She gasped, but when the maid asked her if everything was okay, she answered yes. Melania feared that the maid would squash the spider. So she spared the insect with her silence. And even kept it safe in a box under her bed.

Melania Trump: When I first talked to you, I thought he is my new spider. But I was wrong. I am your spider.

Kumail narrating: Our conversations dwindled after that. She probably got very busy being the first lady with and all. And I moved on living my life.

Kumail: [talking to the customer] For the error that we have made and we– [A guy throws a paper ball at Kumail] [Melania Trump walks in the office]

Melania Trump: Bully! Bully! Stop that. Bully.

[Kumail turns around. Melania Trump walks to Kumail.]

Hello, I’m Melania. The woman you talked to on the phone.

Kumail: Yeah, I know.

Melania Trump: I just want to say thank you.

Kumail: For what?

Melania Trump: For listening. I should go before they find out this I’m not asleep.

[Melania Trump leaves]

Kumail narrating: We never spoke again. But I think of her often. Thanks to a little gift I received in the mail one day.

[Kumail opens the box. There’s the spider they talked about.]