Chris Redd
Cecily Strong
Rosco… Will Farrell
Waiter… Bowen Yang
Waitress… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with a sea beach villa’s clip]
Chris: Honey, this has been a really special vacation. Thank you.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily having drinks at the restaurant]
Cecily: Aw, thanks. Not everyday my man graduates veterinarian school.
Chris: Well, I didn’t graduate. I’m just not going anymore.
Cecily: Still, something to celebrate.
[Waiters walks in with two drinks]
Waiter: Two Cocolatus.
Cecily: Oh, we didn’t order these.
Waiter: Compliments of the gentleman over there.
[Rosco is sitting alone at the next table]
Rosco: How are you folks this evening?
Cecily: Great, thank you. How are you?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I couldn’t be any freaking better. Woo, I’m in love.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Chris: Oh, that’s great.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: Yeah, she’s gonna meet me. Her name is Subina. She’s from Moldova.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh, cool. How did you meet?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: On a website, where you look for Moldavian women. I sent her flowers, it cost $800.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Wow, you must be well off.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: Well, I do what I can. It’s worth it when you’re in love. Like this trip to Mexico.
[A waitress walks in with a hugs lobster]
Waitress: Lobster for two.
Rosco: Yes, that’s for me and Subina. She’s my girlfriend from Moldova. And she’s meeting me here in Mexico.
Waitress: Oh, that’s great.
Rosco: Yeah, we’re in love. And that’s why I bought her a plane ticket from Moldova to Mexico to meet me. And I bought the lobster and caviar for dinner for two. It’s prepaid.
Waiter: Yeah, I saw that.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Well, she’s a very lucky lady.
Chris: Is she still up in the room, or?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: She’s coming from Moldova. She should be here any minute. It’s the first time we’ve ever met in person.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh! Hah!
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: You wanna see a picture of Subina?
[Cut to everybody]
Chris: Oh, sure.
[Rosco showing them her picture on his phone]
Rosco: What do you think? She’s beautiful, right?
Cecily: Well, lot of make up.
Chris: Very pretty.
Cecily: Never seen a phone screen that cracked!
Rosco: You wanna see one of just the bod?
Cecily: Oh, no.
Rosco: Check that out! Right? Right? This guy knows what I’m talking about. My mom says I make bad choices. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, right!
Cecily: Well, thanks for the drinks.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I’m in love, woo! [phone ringing] Oh, that’s Subina now. [talking on the phone] Hi, baby. What? What do you mean, baby? What are you saying? So, you’re not coming? Where are you now? Moldova? Well, I can buy you a new ticket. Baby! Baby! Ba-baby! Baby, no wait. Baby, don’t. Wait. [He looks at the phone and drops it on the table.]
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Are you okay?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: No, I’m not okay. I need a minute.
[Rosco walks out]
[Rosco screaming in anger]
[Rosco walks back]
Waitress: Is everything okay, sir?
[Cut to Rosco and waitress]
Rosco: Subina dumped me. My credit card bounced on her ticket and she dumped me.
Waitress: Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s really tough. So, do you still want the caviar service?
Rosco: Yeah, I paid for it.
Waitress: Well, I’m really sorry.
[Waitress walks away]
Rosco: I’m not well off.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: What’s that?
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: You said earlier I must be well off. I’m not. I’m a shoe shiner. And I wash feet at a salon.
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Chris: Oh! Okay.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I can’t even pay for this stupid lobster I’m eating. I borrowed the money from my mom to pay for this trip. And now Subina’s [eats the lobster] not even coming. Filth!
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh, you’re not supposed to eat the shell.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I don’t know that. I’ve never had lobster before. [coughs] I’m allergic. [Roscotakes out a woven panties] You two should have these. I bought them for Subina but useless now.
Cecily: Sorry, what is this?
Rosco: Candy panties for Subina, because she sweep like candy. And she wears panties.
[Cut to Chris]
Chris: I think we’re good.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: Then don’t think them of as panties. All right? Think of them as a regular dandy. I only wore them more than once.
[Cut to everybody]
Cecily: We’re only here for two nights, so.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: I’m gonna Facetime Subina, okay? And convince her to come to Mexico. [phone ringing]
Subina: Hello
Rosco: Subina, it’s me Rosco. I’m your baby, remember?
Subina: I don’t know. You’re not sending me money anymore.
Rosco: I can send money. If I send money now, will you come to Mexico?
Subina: I don’t know.
Unknown male voice: Baby, come back to bed.
Subina: I’m working.
Rosco: That’s her brother.
Subina: I have to go. Good bye Roger.
Rosco: It’s Rosco. And should I wait for you or– ?
[Waitress walks in]
Waitress: Your caviar sir.
Rosco: Oh! It’s just fish! Get it away from me!
[Cut to Chris and Cecily]
Cecily: Well, you know what? I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon because you seem like a real catch.
[Cut to Rosco]
Rosco: No, there’s only Subina. [phone beeping] Oh! It’s Lily Anna. Another Moldavian woman. She just Venmo requested me $1,000. I’m in love again.