Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Cyber Security

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The ongoing release of hacked emails by wikileaks has made cyber security a prominent issue in this election. Here to comment on this is our own Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in] [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Thank you Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It is great to have you, Leslie. Now, what do you think of all this email hacks.

Michael Che: Well, Colin, um, I was recently hacked myself.

Colin Jost: Really? I didn’t know that.

Michael Che: Yeah. All they did was release nude pics of me, which is nothing because I don’t know if y’all notice about me but I ain’t shy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I actually notice that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Of course you notice, honey bunches of Jost. I am very comfortable with who I am. [Cut to Michael Che] I am an open book. I keep my porn in a folder labelled ‘Porn’. If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask! Just ask! What I’m trying to say is, if you wanna hurt anybody these days, you gonna have to do way more than leak their nudes or call them names. You can’t embarrass me more than I have embarrassed myself. I know all the details, coz I was there. I was there in the third grade when I told this boy Johnny I liked him and he hit me in the back of my head with a rock. I was there when I had a fake wetting with El DeBarge in my bedroom. I was there when Prince was walking towards me smiling all happy to see me until he realized that I was not Chris Rock.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. Prince though you were Chris Rock?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. In the dark we look alike. Hot top, fair teeth. Anyway– [laughing] Colin, do you think some words in the internet can hurt me? [Cut to Michael Che] I once had a crazy bitch try to beat me with a shovel at a bus stop because I took her spot on the bench. Now, that’s a troll. Real trolls ain’t tapping on keyboards. They swing in shovels. Okay? And if I was good at computers, I wouldn’t wasting trolling on people. I would do something useful like, renew my driver’s license from home. I would hack into Tinder and delete all those other girl’s profiles so no matter where you swipe, you get me. You in Missouri? You gonna get me. You in the middle of the ocean? You gonna get me.

Matter of fact, if I was that good at computers, I would build a man. A perfect masculine robot man. Okay? Forget about West-World. I’m talking about Leslie World. Full of perfect robots with perfect penises.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, perfect penises?

Michael Che: Yeah. Like you, but bigger, Colin.

Colin Jost: I- I- I was in the middle of the ocean. So Leslie, you seem pretty unphased by all these online troll.

Michael Che: Colin, let me tell you something. [Cut to Michael Che] I have spent decades getting roasted by comedians. Black comedians, at that, okay? The guy that played the crackhead from the movie Friday has a whole hour on my feet. [Michael Che laughing] So trust me, at a certain point, you stop being embarrassed and start being you. And I have been me for 49 years because the only person who can act me is me. Alright? And my firewall is a crazy bitch with a shovel. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

Michael Che: Just ask!

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Cyber Security and Gay Porn

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that he most commonly used passwords last year were ‘123456’ and ‘password’. Here to teach us all about the importance of strong cyber security is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up? How are you?

Pete Davidson: The importance of strong cyber security, it can’t be overstated. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I mean it can prevent a lot of common problems like identity theft, or your girlfriend logging into your computer and finding a bunch of gay porn.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, is that a common problem?

Pete Davidson: Alright, let me explain. [Cut to Pete Davidson] One night, I was really high… like most nights. And I was watching ‘The Wolf Of Wall Street’. And I just couldn’t stop looking at how attractive and beautiful Leonardo DeCaprio was. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] I mean like, he was always hot but now he’s like a golden statue version of Leonardo DeCaprio. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And I don’t think I would do it. But like, if he asks me, I might. Like, out of respect. So, you know, he’s the man. It’s Leo.

So, this made me think that I might be gay. So, this set off my anxiety and because if I turned out to be gay, I’d be really bad at it. You know, I mean look at me. I’m like the complete opposite of gay. I don’t mean straight. I mean gross! You’ve seen gay people, they’re beautiful. I might be like a straight 5 but I’m a gay 1.

[Cut to Pete Davidson to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, man! I don’t think it’d be that bad for you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s easy for you to say. You’re like a straight 8 and a gay 10.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: No, no.

Pete Davidson: He’s a gay 10. You’re beautiful.

Colin Jost: Don’t!

Pete Davidson: So, I needed to find out if I was gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So, my best thinking told me, why don’t I just watch a bunch of gay porn and see if I like it.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, that was your best thinking?

Pete Davidson: It was really good weed. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So first, I watched a little film called ‘Stud Horse 4’, and I didn’t like it… until I started to think maybe I didn’t like it because I haven’t watched Stud Horses 1, 2, 3. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] So, I watched the whole series and didn’t like it either. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And then I thought maybe this is just the wrong franchise for me. So, I watched all the big gay porn franchises like Jack Hammer Jose, Frat Boy Orgy, The Expendables. But I didn’t like any of them. So, I settled to question that I’m not gay. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] And everything was fine until a few days later my girlfriend decided to use my computer and look up Gmail, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] which starts with a ‘G’ and then a bunch of gay porn popped up. And then, my defense was, “Oh no! I’m just watching to make sure I’m not gay.” And she was like, “What?” And I was like, “No, I think you heard me wrong. I’m saying I was having doubts about my sexuality so I watched a bunch of gay porn for you.” And now I’m here.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Did you just write this Update so your girlfriend wouldn’t think you were gay?

Pete Davidson: [smiling] Pete Davidson, everybody!

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody!

[cheers and applause]