Picture with Dad

Shawn… Andrew Dismukes

Elizabeth… Heidi Gardner

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Beck Bennet

Doctor… Anya Taylor-Joy

Policeman… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Shawn and Elizabeth getting ready for the prom picture a Elizabeth’s home.]

Mom: Okay now, smile. Oh my gosh, you two are so cute. And I got it. Alright. Now I want to do long ways.

Elizabeth: Mom, come on. We’re going to be late.

Mom: Elizabeth, calm down please. I just want one more.

Dad: Oh wait, I got an idea. I’ll be right back.

Mom: Chris, where are you going?

Dad: I got an idea for the picture. It’s going to be great. Hold on.

Elizabeth: Sorry, Shawn, my parents are being so lame.

Shawn: It’s okay, babe. We got time. Mrs. Sanders, take as many as you want.

Mom: Shawn, I knew I liked you. Alright now, scootch together and smile. One… two…

[Dad walks in with a big shotgun.]

Shawn: Whoa!

Elizabeth: Oh my god, dad!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: What? I saw it on the internet. It’s funny.

Mom: Chris, I told you that we weren’t doing this.

Dad: Oh come on, it’s funny.

Elizabeth: Dad, how is it funny?

Dad: Oh, you know, it’s like, “Hey, Mr. You better not try anything or I’ll shoot you.” Ha-ha. People are doing it. It’s a thing. It’s like, bang!

Mom: Chris!

Dad: Oh, come on, relax. [Dad shoots himself at his penis]

[Ten minutes later]
[Dad is taken to the hospital]

Doctor: Okay, what do we got?

Policeman: Male, age 48. Blew his [bleep] off taking a photo with his daughter.

Doctor: Their prom picture?

Policeman: Yes.

Mom: Chris, we’re right here.

Dad: Did you get it?

Mom: I tried honey, but it’s pretty rough.

Doctor: Is that his–

Mom: Yes. [Mom shows his blown off penis inside a container.]

Dad: Is it alright?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. Looks like we will not be able to reattach.

Dad: Okay. You could probably just do it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I do not think we can do that.

Dad: You can probably reattach it though, right?

Doctor: No, sir. I don’t think that’s possible.

Dad: But you can just do it though, right?

Doctor: No sir, we can’t.

Dad: Oh god.

Elizabeth: Is my dad going to be okay?

Doctor: I’ll do what I can.

Mom: My god, Chris. How could you be so stupid.

Dad: I wanted to take a funny picture.

Mom: What is funny about holding a gun around kids?

Dad: Cause I don’t want them to have sex.

Mom: They’ve been dating for three years. They’ve had sex.

Dad: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, dad. We’ve done it a lot.

Dad: When?

Elizabeth: Well, you know when we went to Jamaica and you didn’t see us the entire trip?

Dad: Yeah.

Elizabeth: Well, then.

Shawn: Yeah. And do you remember all those times that you wake up and I’m in the kitchen shirtless drinking a gatorade?

Dad: Yeah.

Shawn: Well, those times too.

Dad: Oh, why?

Doctor: Okay, Mr. Sanders. we’re going into operation. So, we’re going to have to put you under, alright?

Dad: Wait! Wait! Lizzy, I’m sorry I ruined your prom by blowing my [bleep] off with my gun.

Elizabeth: It’s okay, dad.

Dad: And Laura, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you and so I blew my little [bleep] off with my big old gun.

Mom: It’s fine, Chris.

Dad: And Shawn, you’re like a son to me. You take good care of my daughter.

Shawn: Thanks Mr. Sanders.

Dad: But tonight out of respect of me, please don’t have sex with each other.

Shawn: Okay. We will, but yeah.

Dad: No, but just tonight, don’t.

Shawn: Yes. We’re going to. But okay.

Dad: Look, just tonight, out of respect for my condition. Please don’t.

Shawn: Yes, sir. We will though. But yeah.

Dad: No. For me, just tonight, don’t.

Elizabeth: You got it, dad. We are, but yeah.

Dad: I’m saying don’t do it.

Elizabeth: You got it.

Shawn: Yeah, we are though.

Dad: I blew my [bleep] off tonight. Please don’t have sex with each other.

[doctor puts oxygen mask on Dad.]

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

The Grinch

Dad… Mikey day

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Grinch… Pete Davidson

[Starts with story turning book pages.]

Male voice: And what happened then…? Well… in Who-wille they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He brought back the toys and the food for the feast! And he… he himself… carved the roast beast!

The next morning…

[Cut to a family in the Christmas morning. The kids are at the Christmas tree and their parents walk down.]

Dad: Good morning, kids.

Sister: Good morning, dad.

Brother: Good morning, mom.

Sister: You guys look tired.

Dad: Yeah. Mom and I had a little too much who-punch last night.

Mom: Haven’t partied like that in a while.

Brother: What did you guys do after we went to bed?

Dad: Don’t worry about that, buddy.

Sister: I thought it was so nice that Mr. Grinch came down to celebrate with us yesterday.

Brother: I always thought he was a rotten old meanie who is slimy like a snail, but boy was I wrong. He is great!

Dad: Yeah. He’s a cool guy. Oh, speak of the devil.

[Grinch is walking down the stairs]

Grinch: Morning.

Sister: Did you sleep over, Mr. Grinch?

Brother: And are you wearing my dad’s bathrobe?

Grinch: Well, the reason for that is–

Mom: You know, it was so late and Mr. Grinch lives way up on that curly mountains. And we just thought why not invite him to spend the night here? [Dad and Mom looking at each other happily] With us.

Grinch: Yeah. That’s it.

Brother: Well, wait. There’s only two bedrooms upstairs. Where did you sleep, Mr. Grinch?

Grinch: Someone want to take this one?

Dad: It doesn’t matter where Mr. Grinch slept. What matters is that yesterday, his heart grew three sizes.

Mom: It’s not the only thing that grew three sizes.

Grinch: Kathy. You’re bad.

Male voice: The Who Children puzzled over what had occurred. Unaware that their parents had brought in a third to spice up their marriage, why, it’s a cinch. All you need is some Who punch and a night… with the Grinch.

Grinch: Well, I should probably roll.

Mom: No, no, no. Stay. Have breakfast. I’m making green eggs and bacon.

[Grinch takes a seat in between Dad and Mom]

Grinch: Oh, okay. Well, I am pretty hungry.

Dad: I bet you are. You put in some work last night.

Mom: We all did.

Grinch: Well, if that was work then I guess I love my job.

Sister: What are you guys talking about?

Dad: Nothing. Hey, show Mr. Grinch the toys you got for Christmas, guys.

Brother: Okay.

Sister: Yeah.

Brother: We got whiz boppers, new sneedlers and I don’t know what this is but it looks fun. [pulls out a stick with a pointing hand on top.]

Dad: Okay. Don’t worry about that one, guys. That’s not a fun toy.

Mom: I thought it was pretty fun.

Grinch: Trust me, I remember.

Sister: I’m so tired. You woke me up last night, mommy.

Mom: Oh, no. I did? You didn’t come in our room, right?

Sister: No.

Mom: Oh. Thank god.

Sister: You kept screaming, “You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one.”

Mom: Well, mommy was just having a nightmare.

Brother: Daddy. Were you having a nightmare when you were yelling, “Punish me, my green king? Punish me, my green king?”

Grinch: And that’s my cue. I really should get back to my cave. My little A-hole dogs probably wondering where I am.

Mom: Aw!

Dad: Are you sure?

Grinch: Yeah. But hey, you know, thanks for the memories.

Mom: Well, don’t be a stranger.

[Mom and Grinch hug. Mom doesn’t let go of hug.]

Grinch: I probably should go.

[Dad gets in to hug as well.]

Dad: Well, no ones stopping you.

Brother: What are you guys doing?

Grinch: [yelling at the kids] Go outside and play!

[Dad, Mom and Grinch start making out.]

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

Dad Prank Video

Ted… Mikey Day

Boss… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a kid making a YouTube video.]

Brandon: What’s up, YouTube. It’s your boy, Brandon. So, I have a corny ass dad.

[He shoots his dad with an airgun.]

Ted: Ouch! Brandon?

Brandon: So, I’ve been pranking him during quarantine, and here are my favorite ones.

[Brandon is putting draw pins on the toilet seat.]

Oh, this is gonna hurt so bad. Put thumb tacks oh his toilet seat.

[Cut to Ted getting in the toilet. He takes the seat. He jumps off and drops his phone.]

Ted: Ah! My phone. Of course, it cracked. Of course, it cracked. [He kneels down to get the pins out of his butt.] Okay. [grunting] More. More. Why so many? Why so many? I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding. And there’s like, four in the toilet. Wonderful.

Brandon: Changed dad’s every contact’s name in his phone to Gigi Hadid.

Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. [phone ringing] Dad, it’s Gigi Hadid.

Ted:  [yelling] You’re laughing and it’s my work. I don’t know who to call because I don’t know their numbers. They all say Gigi Hadid.

Brandon: Why do you hate Gigi Hadid?

Ted: Brandon, I don’t hate Gigi Hadid. I wish her the best.

Brandon: Why do you hate women?

Ted: I don’t hate women.

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Bruh. these jump scares tho.

[He puts a scary doll in the cupboard. When his dad opens the cupboard, he gets scared and bumps his head.] [Cut to Ted coming to wake Brandon up.]

Ted: Brandon, wake up. Remote school time. Just because– [When dad takes the blanket off, his son is wearing a scary mask, so he gets scared and jumps away. He falls hard.] [Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Changed his Zoom background before a meeting with his boss.

[Cut to Ted and his boss on Zoom. Ted’s background is a girl in her bikini at the beach.]

Boss: Um, Ted. You mind telling me why your zoom background is a picture of my teenage daughter in a bathing suit?

Ted: I have no idea, Pat.

Boss: Shut up.

Ted: Brandon! I don’t want that there. [pointing at the background]

Boss: Get your finger off of her. Don’t you touch her. You don’t touch her.

Brandon: Thanks for watching. Peace.

Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro] [Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper] [Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped] [weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.] [Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly] [Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave] [Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away] [Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in] [girl moaning sound] [Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away] [girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]

Birthday Party

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Tayler… Venessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Meloni… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with girls having a birthday party]

Cecily: Taylor, this is the best birthday party ever.

Kate: The only way it could be better was if Justin Bieber was performing.

Tayler: My dad actually emailed his people to see if he would, they just wrote back, “No.”

Sasheer: I mean, it’s nice that they responded.

Meloni: Yeah, they’re so nice.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: [mimicking siren sound] Party police. You girls are under arrest for having too much fun.

Tayler: Dad! That’s so lame. Go away.

Dad: No can do, birthday girl. You may be getting older but you’re still my little muffin.

Tayler: Ew, dad! I’m not a muffin.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Then why are you so darn sweet? Alright, you girls have fun. I’ll be right back in giffy pop.

Tayler: Oh, my dad is so embarrassing.

Cecily: Yeah.

Kate: What a jorke!

Sasheer: So bad.

[Cut to Tayler and Meloni]

Meloni: What the fat hell are you talking about? Because that is a full blown beef meat.

Tayler: Ew, Mon, my dad is so old. He was born in like, 1990.

Meloni: Okay. My dad was born in 1936. He sleeps in a medical bed in our living room. So compared to your dad, my dad looks like a stack of hay with eyes.

[Cut to everybody. Dad walks in with a present in his hand.]

Dad: Your dad is back, alright! Back street boys!

Meloni: Oh, hot ham. The hunk is back.

Dad: So, honey, what’s it feel like to finally be a teenager?

[Meloni walks near Dad]

Meloni: Um, I can actually answer that because I’m 13 and half. I’m so old now that my mom lets me shower all by myself. Yeah, coz now she trusts me to wash everywhere but between me and you, most time I just get in there, pee and then get right out. I guess you could say I’m a dirty girl.

[The other girls are looking at her]

Sasheer: You are dirty, Meloni.

Cecily: Our whole class got ringworm coz of you.

Tayler: They had to throw out your desk.

Meloni: Wow, I guess everyone knows how dirty I am. Do you like that, Mr. Doham?

Dad: Actually, no, I do not like that. That’s disgusting. Okay? Do I need to call your mother?

Meloni: No! Please. My mom’s a bitch! She won’t even let me get a new fish just coz I keep killing so many fish. It’s like, what the freak? They don’t even know what’s happening when it’s over.

Dad: Alright, fine, but you need to watch your boundaries. Okay?

Meloni: Oh, yes, Mr. Doham. I promise. I will watch all the boundaries.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Hey, Taylor, look what’s wrapped around my finger. It’s your dad!

Dad: Yeah, I can hear you.

Cecily: Taylor, let’s see your presents.

Meloni: Why don’t you open mine first, Taylor? I think you’re really gonna like it.

[Tayler opens the present]

Tayler: It’s just a single pair of grey men’s underwear.

Meloni: Oh, oops! I guess I got a present for you dad instead. Do you like these, Mr. Doham?

Dad: No, Meloni. No, I don’t. And legally, I can’t accept them. Okay? Why don’t we have some cake, ladies?

Girls: Yes. Cake! Cake! Cake!

Meloni: I honestly love to eat cake.

[Dad brings in the cake]

Dad: Oopsie daisey, I got a little cream here on my finger.

Meloni: Oh. That’s okay, I can take care of that Mr. Doham.

[Meloni hold’s Dad’s finger and tries to suck the cream out of his hand.]

Dad: Morgan! Stop it.

Meloni: No, please.

Dad: Morgan! Morgan!

[Meloni sucks the cake out of Dad’s finger.]

I’m calling your mom

Meloni: What? Why?

Dad: Because you’re a child and you just sucked the hell out of my adult finger.

Meloni: but my mom’s a bitch. She still makes me sit in a car seat and it faces backwards. So, I never know where we’re going. I get so car sick, I have to suck on my own foot to calm down. Do you like that?

Dad: No. I hate that. Okay? I hate it. Now behave or I’m sending you home.

Meloni: Okay, Mr. Doham. I promise. I’ll be good and everything.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Oh, hey Taylor. Is it still Halloween? Coz you’re dad just got tricked and I got a treat.

Dad: Meloni, I can still hear you, okay? And this is Taylor’s day. Taylor, honey, I just wanna say something. Now, we made so many special memories ofyour last 13 years. When I first taught you how to swim.

Meloni: Oh! Yeah, freaking wet!

Dad: Those nights we spent curled up in bed reading.

Meloni: What? Same bed? So jealous.

Dad: You know, you’ve always been my little girl and that’s why I have your name tattoo right above my heart.

[Dad unbuttons his shirt]

Tayler: Ew, dad, don’t show it.

Meloni: Oh, show it! Show it! Show it! Nipple!

[Meloni runs around the room and falls over the cake]

Dad: Alright Meloni! Now, I’m calling your mom. You just destroyed my house and you’re covered in cake.

Meloni: Oh, do you like that?

[The End]