Tayler… Venessa Bayer
Meloni… Aidy Bryant
Dad… Ryan Gosling
[Starts with girls having a birthday party]
Cecily: Taylor, this is the best birthday party ever.
Kate: The only way it could be better was if Justin Bieber was performing.
Tayler: My dad actually emailed his people to see if he would, they just wrote back, “No.”
Sasheer: I mean, it’s nice that they responded.
Meloni: Yeah, they’re so nice.
[Dad walks in]
Dad: [mimicking siren sound] Party police. You girls are under arrest for having too much fun.
Tayler: Dad! That’s so lame. Go away.
Dad: No can do, birthday girl. You may be getting older but you’re still my little muffin.
Tayler: Ew, dad! I’m not a muffin.
Dad: Oh, yeah? Then why are you so darn sweet? Alright, you girls have fun. I’ll be right back in giffy pop.
Tayler: Oh, my dad is so embarrassing.
Kate: What a jorke!
Sasheer: So bad.
[Cut to Tayler and Meloni]
Meloni: What the fat hell are you talking about? Because that is a full blown beef meat.
Tayler: Ew, Mon, my dad is so old. He was born in like, 1990.
Meloni: Okay. My dad was born in 1936. He sleeps in a medical bed in our living room. So compared to your dad, my dad looks like a stack of hay with eyes.
[Cut to everybody. Dad walks in with a present in his hand.]
Dad: Your dad is back, alright! Back street boys!
Meloni: Oh, hot ham. The hunk is back.
Dad: So, honey, what’s it feel like to finally be a teenager?
[Meloni walks near Dad]
Meloni: Um, I can actually answer that because I’m 13 and half. I’m so old now that my mom lets me shower all by myself. Yeah, coz now she trusts me to wash everywhere but between me and you, most time I just get in there, pee and then get right out. I guess you could say I’m a dirty girl.
[The other girls are looking at her]
Sasheer: You are dirty, Meloni.
Cecily: Our whole class got ringworm coz of you.
Tayler: They had to throw out your desk.
Meloni: Wow, I guess everyone knows how dirty I am. Do you like that, Mr. Doham?
Dad: Actually, no, I do not like that. That’s disgusting. Okay? Do I need to call your mother?
Meloni: No! Please. My mom’s a bitch! She won’t even let me get a new fish just coz I keep killing so many fish. It’s like, what the freak? They don’t even know what’s happening when it’s over.
Dad: Alright, fine, but you need to watch your boundaries. Okay?
Meloni: Oh, yes, Mr. Doham. I promise. I will watch all the boundaries.
[Meloni sits beside Tayler]
Hey, Taylor, look what’s wrapped around my finger. It’s your dad!
Dad: Yeah, I can hear you.
Cecily: Taylor, let’s see your presents.
Meloni: Why don’t you open mine first, Taylor? I think you’re really gonna like it.
[Tayler opens the present]
Tayler: It’s just a single pair of grey men’s underwear.
Meloni: Oh, oops! I guess I got a present for you dad instead. Do you like these, Mr. Doham?
Dad: No, Meloni. No, I don’t. And legally, I can’t accept them. Okay? Why don’t we have some cake, ladies?
Girls: Yes. Cake! Cake! Cake!
Meloni: I honestly love to eat cake.
[Dad brings in the cake]
Dad: Oopsie daisey, I got a little cream here on my finger.
Meloni: Oh. That’s okay, I can take care of that Mr. Doham.
[Meloni hold’s Dad’s finger and tries to suck the cream out of his hand.]
Dad: Morgan! Stop it.
Meloni: No, please.
Dad: Morgan! Morgan!
[Meloni sucks the cake out of Dad’s finger.]
I’m calling your mom
Meloni: What? Why?
Dad: Because you’re a child and you just sucked the hell out of my adult finger.
Meloni: but my mom’s a bitch. She still makes me sit in a car seat and it faces backwards. So, I never know where we’re going. I get so car sick, I have to suck on my own foot to calm down. Do you like that?
Dad: No. I hate that. Okay? I hate it. Now behave or I’m sending you home.
Meloni: Okay, Mr. Doham. I promise. I’ll be good and everything.
[Meloni sits beside Tayler]
Oh, hey Taylor. Is it still Halloween? Coz you’re dad just got tricked and I got a treat.
Dad: Meloni, I can still hear you, okay? And this is Taylor’s day. Taylor, honey, I just wanna say something. Now, we made so many special memories ofyour last 13 years. When I first taught you how to swim.
Meloni: Oh! Yeah, freaking wet!
Dad: Those nights we spent curled up in bed reading.
Meloni: What? Same bed? So jealous.
Dad: You know, you’ve always been my little girl and that’s why I have your name tattoo right above my heart.
[Dad unbuttons his shirt]
Tayler: Ew, dad, don’t show it.
Meloni: Oh, show it! Show it! Show it! Nipple!
[Meloni runs around the room and falls over the cake]
Dad: Alright Meloni! Now, I’m calling your mom. You just destroyed my house and you’re covered in cake.
Meloni: Oh, do you like that?