Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro] [Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper] [Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped] [weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.] [Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly] [Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave] [Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away] [Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Movie Night

Mom…Melissa McCarthy

Tommy…Pete Davidson

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mom bringing snacks for Tommy and Dad who are watching TV]

Mom: Okay. And let them eat snacks.

Tommy: Mom, you rock.

Mom: Oh, gosh! When did Hamilton look so young? When is this?

Dad: It’s the very first Terminator from 84. It’s a classic.

Tommy: Yeah, you know, we haven’t had a movie night in forever. This is nice.

[Girl moaning sound from the TV]

Tommy thinking: Oh, no! There’s a sex scene in Terminator? I don’t remember this. Now I have to watch sex with my parents? This is so awkward. I need to ease the tension in here. I have to say something that will lighten things up. Right now!

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: So, when was the last time you guys did that?

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! That was the worst possible thing I could have said. Everyone was pretending it didn’t even happen. I need to say something else.

Tommy: Wah! She’s getting railed.

Tommy thinking: Oh, why would I say that? I should say something sweet now.

Tommy: I love you guys so much.

Dad: Ah, okay kid.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Aw, that’s very sweet of you.

Mom thinking: Oh boy! I wish my hand wasn’t so rubbing Tommy’s thigh during this intercourse scene. I’ll have to remove my hand to shuttle in. It’d affect Tommy sexual confiden– Oh, you know what? I got it!

[Mom claps around and looks at her palm]

Yep! Nice one, Patty!

Dad thinking: Oh boy. I need to break the tension with a witty comment about what we’re watching. Think, Jim!

Dad: You know, she has very dark nipples for a white girl.

Dad thinking: Ha-ha-ha. Nailed it!

Tommy thinking: I gotta take a quick timeout from this or I will literally die.

[Tommy stands]

Tommy: So I’m gonna grab a snack real quick.

Dad: Oh, you want us to pause it?

Tommy: Umm….. yeah.

Tommy thinking: No! Why would you tell them to pause it?

[Tommy walks away]

Mom thinking: Boy, that is a dark nipple. Nipple is a weird word. Nipple. Nipple. Nipple.

Dad thinking: We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Can’t get that thing out my head. We are farmers. Bambara-bambara-bam-bam. Ha-ha. Genius.

[Tommy walks in] [girl moaning sound] [Mom is looking at what Tommy is eating]

Tommy thinking: Oh my god! I was so out of my head with the pause thing, I just opened a pantry and grabbed the package of dry Rigatoni pasta. And now I’m eating it. This hurts. Really bad.

Mom thinking: I wish these two actors would have discussed wearing a condom before start making love. I hope Tommy doesn’t think that’s okay. I should say something. Just something casual, cool. Something pro-safe sex.

Mom: [patting Tommy’s thighs] Boy, rubbers are red, huh?

Mom thinking: Oh boy. I wish I hadn’t started rubbing his thigh again when I brought up the rubbers. Pity!

Dad thinking: That was weird. Poor kid. Probably dying inside. I’ma help him out.

[girl moaning sound]

Dad: You know, there’s a sex scene in Wild Things that’s way worse than this. It’s a crazy three way. It’s a topless Denise Richards in her prime. Scene starts at like 38:10. You should check it out.

Dad thinking: Boy, they’re gonna know I have a Mr. Skin account.

Tommy thinking: Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I gotta make some kind of witty statement so we could forget how uncomfortable this has been.

[girl moaning sound]

Tommy: This guy is lasting so long. You know, I bet he’s thinking of baseball or this parents so he lasts, you know? Not that I would think of you guys during sex. That’s gross. I mean, you know– but you are not gross. You know, you guys were hot back in the day. If I was back to the future and I time traveled to when you were in high school, I’d totally hook up with you mom. [yelling] Ew! What am I saying? I hate the Terminator. I’m a virgin by the way. Okay, see you guys!

[Tommy stands and walks away] [girl moaning sound]

Mom: She really is getting railed.

Dad: Yeah, she is taking it like a champ.

[The End]

Birthday Party

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Tayler… Venessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Meloni… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with girls having a birthday party]

Cecily: Taylor, this is the best birthday party ever.

Kate: The only way it could be better was if Justin Bieber was performing.

Tayler: My dad actually emailed his people to see if he would, they just wrote back, “No.”

Sasheer: I mean, it’s nice that they responded.

Meloni: Yeah, they’re so nice.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: [mimicking siren sound] Party police. You girls are under arrest for having too much fun.

Tayler: Dad! That’s so lame. Go away.

Dad: No can do, birthday girl. You may be getting older but you’re still my little muffin.

Tayler: Ew, dad! I’m not a muffin.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Then why are you so darn sweet? Alright, you girls have fun. I’ll be right back in giffy pop.

Tayler: Oh, my dad is so embarrassing.

Cecily: Yeah.

Kate: What a jorke!

Sasheer: So bad.

[Cut to Tayler and Meloni]

Meloni: What the fat hell are you talking about? Because that is a full blown beef meat.

Tayler: Ew, Mon, my dad is so old. He was born in like, 1990.

Meloni: Okay. My dad was born in 1936. He sleeps in a medical bed in our living room. So compared to your dad, my dad looks like a stack of hay with eyes.

[Cut to everybody. Dad walks in with a present in his hand.]

Dad: Your dad is back, alright! Back street boys!

Meloni: Oh, hot ham. The hunk is back.

Dad: So, honey, what’s it feel like to finally be a teenager?

[Meloni walks near Dad]

Meloni: Um, I can actually answer that because I’m 13 and half. I’m so old now that my mom lets me shower all by myself. Yeah, coz now she trusts me to wash everywhere but between me and you, most time I just get in there, pee and then get right out. I guess you could say I’m a dirty girl.

[The other girls are looking at her]

Sasheer: You are dirty, Meloni.

Cecily: Our whole class got ringworm coz of you.

Tayler: They had to throw out your desk.

Meloni: Wow, I guess everyone knows how dirty I am. Do you like that, Mr. Doham?

Dad: Actually, no, I do not like that. That’s disgusting. Okay? Do I need to call your mother?

Meloni: No! Please. My mom’s a bitch! She won’t even let me get a new fish just coz I keep killing so many fish. It’s like, what the freak? They don’t even know what’s happening when it’s over.

Dad: Alright, fine, but you need to watch your boundaries. Okay?

Meloni: Oh, yes, Mr. Doham. I promise. I will watch all the boundaries.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Hey, Taylor, look what’s wrapped around my finger. It’s your dad!

Dad: Yeah, I can hear you.

Cecily: Taylor, let’s see your presents.

Meloni: Why don’t you open mine first, Taylor? I think you’re really gonna like it.

[Tayler opens the present]

Tayler: It’s just a single pair of grey men’s underwear.

Meloni: Oh, oops! I guess I got a present for you dad instead. Do you like these, Mr. Doham?

Dad: No, Meloni. No, I don’t. And legally, I can’t accept them. Okay? Why don’t we have some cake, ladies?

Girls: Yes. Cake! Cake! Cake!

Meloni: I honestly love to eat cake.

[Dad brings in the cake]

Dad: Oopsie daisey, I got a little cream here on my finger.

Meloni: Oh. That’s okay, I can take care of that Mr. Doham.

[Meloni hold’s Dad’s finger and tries to suck the cream out of his hand.]

Dad: Morgan! Stop it.

Meloni: No, please.

Dad: Morgan! Morgan!

[Meloni sucks the cake out of Dad’s finger.]

I’m calling your mom

Meloni: What? Why?

Dad: Because you’re a child and you just sucked the hell out of my adult finger.

Meloni: but my mom’s a bitch. She still makes me sit in a car seat and it faces backwards. So, I never know where we’re going. I get so car sick, I have to suck on my own foot to calm down. Do you like that?

Dad: No. I hate that. Okay? I hate it. Now behave or I’m sending you home.

Meloni: Okay, Mr. Doham. I promise. I’ll be good and everything.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Oh, hey Taylor. Is it still Halloween? Coz you’re dad just got tricked and I got a treat.

Dad: Meloni, I can still hear you, okay? And this is Taylor’s day. Taylor, honey, I just wanna say something. Now, we made so many special memories ofyour last 13 years. When I first taught you how to swim.

Meloni: Oh! Yeah, freaking wet!

Dad: Those nights we spent curled up in bed reading.

Meloni: What? Same bed? So jealous.

Dad: You know, you’ve always been my little girl and that’s why I have your name tattoo right above my heart.

[Dad unbuttons his shirt]

Tayler: Ew, dad, don’t show it.

Meloni: Oh, show it! Show it! Show it! Nipple!

[Meloni runs around the room and falls over the cake]

Dad: Alright Meloni! Now, I’m calling your mom. You just destroyed my house and you’re covered in cake.

Meloni: Oh, do you like that?

[The End]

Sleepover

Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.] [Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!] [The End]

The Sex Talk

Dad… JJ Watt

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a father knocking at his son’ts door]

Dad: You in there sport?

Brandon: [on the phone] I’ll call you back. Yes, dad.

Dad: Mind if I come in for a sec?

Brandon: We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.

Dad: I know, I know. I just figure we’re a little overdue for this chat anyway. So, why don’t you pop a squat, son?

[Dad and Brandon sit down on the bed]

Now, what you just say in the bedroom between your mother and I, that’s perfectly normal.

Brandon: We don’t have to do this, dad. I’ll get over it. It was just weird.

Dad: Well, of course it was but you’ll learn for yourself soon enough that when two people love each other very much, they express it through something called intercourse.

Brandon: Yes, dad. I know that.

Dad: And I gotta be quite honest with you. Sometimes you got to man up and clap them cheeks, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Okay, wow, dad! I’m not talking to you about this. You had sex. It’s fine.

Dad: Well, of course it’s fine, son. It’s a normal beautiful thing. But son, little boys have sex. Me? I’m a big dog and I have that thing woofing, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Look, I’m not an idiot. I guess I just didn’t expect to ever see it. Let alone on my birthday.

Dad: Oh, that’s right. Happy birthday, son!

Brandon: Thanks.

Dad: We got you a cake down stairs but, I should probably wash my hands before any of that.

Brandon: Oh, come on! Oh, god!

Dad: But son, just check this out for a second. It’s noon, I’m sitting at my desk working through lunch so I can provide for this damn family, and she is sending me filthy texts.

Brandon: Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop!

Dad: I’m just saying, son. She wanted to touch myself at my damn desk, get my ass fired! I’m like, “Woman, are you crazy?”

[Brandon closes his ears]

Brandon: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Dad: So, here’s what I did, son. I faked sick, I hop in the pick up, burn it down 85, went my ass up to the bedroom, opened the door and you know what I saw? I saw that thing up in there already smoking. What time do you think it was, son?

Brandon: I don’t know dad. 1:30?

Dad: It was time to wax. I’m talking Mr. Miagi, you know? Hey, son. I say. Is that a Getaway right there?

Brandon: What? Oh, yeah!

Dad: You know what?

Brandon: Can you maybe not please do that?

Dad: [grabs the Getaway] I’ma need that right about now. Gotta get some of that sweat back in me, you know?

Brandon: Oh, god!

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Knock, knock. What’s up in here?

Dad: Oh, you know. Just little girl talk, babe. Guy talk. Of course.

Mom: Oh, no, no. What is he telling you? Look, I just wanted to say I am so sorry Brandon.

Brandon: It’s okay, mom. Let’s just forget about it.

Mom: No, no, because in a way, this is my fault. You know, you see, your mother has been blessed with what is widely considered to be that good good.

Brandon: Oh, mom!

Dad: We are talking medical grade pure water, son. You know, that type to make a good man kill himself.

Mom: And the worst man kill everybody. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Brandon: Not really to be honest.

Mom: Okay, well let’s put it this way. Could I be working? Yes. Do I work? Hell, no. Why? Well, because this ill nana keeps me taken care of.

Dad: Umph! I can’t lie son, I am a full simp.

Mom: Ya, you know that car outside, this house, the clothes you’re wearing right now are all thanks to the fact that I turned your daddy out. Do you have a girl at school you wanna turn you out?

Brandon: Stop asking about girls. I’m bisexual. There! I said it!

Dad: Oh, son! Wow! That’s fantastic. So, you mean you can stroke anybody down?

Mom: Oh, Brandon. Thank you so much for telling us. We love you more than anything.

Dad: We are so proud of you.

Brandon: Thanks, guys. I love you.

Mom: Now, you’re gonna need to know how to ride that thing like a soldier, okay? Do you need to–

Brandon: Mom! Please! I don’t want to hear this!

Mom: We can help you.

[The End]

Dance Vlog

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Teddy Pascalis… Kyle Mooney

Dad… Chris Rock

Michael… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Jannele starting her youtube video]

Janelle: What’s up YouTube? It’s your girl Janelle, A.K.A. Nasty-nelle, A.K.A. Janelle. And I’m pumped to bring you my Dad00th dance tutorial. Shoutout to whoever started that countdown to my Janelle8th birthday. Don’t know what that’s about but whatever. We’re live streaming today, so holla at me in the comment section. And holla at my best friend, he’s one of my day ones. His name is Teddy Pascalis, A.K.A. Pants Gets Wets.

Teddy Pascalis: Nobody calls me that anymore.

Janelle: Yes they do. Anyway, we’re gonna learn the Nae Nae today. A move that came from early African dance, or Miley Cyrus.

[Teddy Pascalis walks in front of the camera]

Teddy Pascalis: Yes, and just so you guys know, dancing is one of my biggest fears. Right after spiders and my older brother Dyan. But I’ll do it for you. [stares at Janelle] I’ll do anything for you.

Janelle: [not noticing] I know, you say it everyday. Okay, [music starts] in order to Nae Nae, [Janelle and Teddy Pascalis stand to dance] you gotta put one arm up like this, right? Teddy, put a little higher. Now, start moving your hips. It’s real easy. All right, get in there. [Janelle is dancing but Teddy Pascalis is just moving his body.] [Dad opens the door and enters the room]

Dad: Hey, hey, Janelle. You’re Janelle5 now. You cannot have the door closed. And there’s a boy in your room. Dad! Oh my god! [music stops] He’s not a boy. He’s just Teddy.

Teddy Pascalis: Yeah.

Janelle: Can you please leave? It’s live streaming.

Dad: Oh, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother told me you’re up here dancing on the internet.

[Michael peeking from the door]

Michael: I did. I told on you. Ooh! You in trouble. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Dad: Michael! Go sweep the driveway.

Michael: Dad! That’s not even a real chore.

Dad: What’s all this?

Janelle: Those are my fans, dad. They are just commenting on the video.

Dad: Okay. [Dad comes close to the computer] Who is Nuggettugget9-5, and why is he saying, “#woodbang”? What the hell is fap? I’m fapping. She makes me wanna fap. Michael! [Michael runs in] What’s fap mean?

Michael: Um, it’s what you caught me doing in my bedroom and we still haven’t talked about it.

[Michael runs out]

Dad: What? Hey, no fapping!

Janelle: Dad, you’re embarrassing me in front of my just my friend.

Teddy Pascalis: I love you.

Janelle: Argh! Dad, can I just finish doing the Nae Nae?

[Janelle starts dancing a little]

Dad: That’s too grown!

Janelle: Okay fine. I’ll show you guys the copperhead. It’s easy. It’s like a standing push up. I barely even move.

Dad: I’m watching you.

[Janelle is showing how to do the copperhead]

Teddy! Keep your hands out of pockets!

Janelle: Okay, let’s try with the music. [music starts and Janelle starts the move] [Janelle starts to shake her butt turning back]

Dad: No, no, no, no! [Dad runs to the computer and starts pressing random buttons on the keyboard.]

Janelle: Dad!

Dad: What’s happening? [He turned the video black & white]

Janelle: Dad! You’re changing the filter. Dad! Stop it!

Dad: Janelle. Either you don’t realize how much your body has matured over the summer, or you’re literally trying to kill me.

Janelle: Dad, there’s nothing sexy about that dance.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Teddy, stand up!

[Teddy is sitting with a pillow covering his lap to stomach.]

Teddy Pascalis: No, thank you sir.

Janelle: What dance am I supposed to do, dad? This is a dance vlog, and it means everything to me.

Dad: Okay, I’ll show you what dancing is. Put on some song.

[Janelle plays a music] [Dad looking at the camera] No fapping!

[Dad starts dancing]

See Janelle? This is dancing. Whoo! [Janelle starts dancing like her dad] Get it! There you go!

[Janelle slowly starts moving her body differently and then dances her own dance.]

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Janelle: I can’t help it, dad. This is what my body wants to do.

Dad: Do you want me to send you to Catholic school?

Janelle: Oh, my god! Dad! You ruined this for my 3 million viewers. I hate you.

[Janelle walks out]

Dad: 3 million? Teddy go home.

Teddy Pascalis: Still not a great time for me to stand up sir.

Dad: Oh, Teddy! [looking at the computer] How do you turn this thing off?

[Dad presses a button and changes the filter again.]

Ha-ha-ha-ha. I look crazy. The show is over.

[Live stream on YouTube ends.]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Cecily Strong

Santa Claus… Beck Bennett

Dad… Mikey Day

Mom… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a girl looking at her mother and Santa kissing] [music playing]

Cecily: ♪ I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
♪underneath the mistletoe last night

♪she didn’t see me creep downstairs to have a peak
♪she thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep

♪oh, what a laugh it would have been
♪if daddy had only seen

♪mommy kissing Santa Claus last night
♪turns out that kissing mom had Santa Claus

[Cut to Mikey watching Scarlett and Santa kissing]

underneath the mistletoe that night
♪I thought that he’d be mad

♪or just be kind of sad
♪but he just sat there watching them and only said,

Dad: Not bad.

Cecily: ♪By now, I can tell that Santa Claus

[Santa backing off from kissing]

♪regretted getting himself mixed up in this
♪he said that he should probably roll
♪but mommy said

Mom: No, wait, asshole!

Cecily: ♪He had done half the stuff that was in the posting on Craiglist
♪but Santa said they’d better pay in full
♪or he’d tell the friends what they did behind closed doors

[Mikey strangles the Santa]

♪I couldn’t believe my eyes
♪my mom and dad just killed some guy
♪then I realized the chokehold was just part of the script—
♪and then Santa stood up and thanked them both

♪and asked them if they were both satisfied
♪mom and dad said they had a blast
♪and gave him thousand cash
♪and walked him to his Nissan parked right outside

[Cut to Cecily laying in bed]

♪then I laid in bed thinking about
♪how much I really don’t know mom and dad
♪but the weirdest thing I think
♪isn’t my parents kink

♪it’s the fact that I sat watching them for as long as I have
♪oh, well, I guess we all need to have a thing
♪mine seems to be watching people private life
♪and at least now that I know
♪I can keep it under control
♪that my mommy kissed Santa Claus last night

Hallmark Dating Show

Emily Cringle… Aidy Bryant

Lauren… Scarlett Johansson

Brian… Beck Bennett

Prince Simon… Alex Moffat

Nick St. Claus… Kyle Mooney

Prince’s friend… Chris Redd

Dad… Mikey Day

[Starts with Hallmark Channel intro]

Narrator: This is the Hallmark Channel. We make thousands of Christmas movies and gifts for teachers. Next up, it’s our all new “Holiday Matchmaking Show.”

[Cut to the show set] [cheers and applause]

Emily Cringle: Hello, I am Emily Cringle and this is Hallmark’s Winter Boyfriend for Holiday Christmas. The only dating show from the makers of Hallmark Holiday movies. Let’s meet our bachelorette. She’s a New York six and a buffalo ten. It’s Lauren.

[Cut to Lauren] Lauren: What’s that, boss? More work? On it. Hi, I have to write a bit article for the paper about how Santa isn’t real. The last thing I’m looking for is a guy.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Oh, we’ll see about that. Okay. Let’s meet our Hallmark holiday hunks.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hi, I’m Brian from your home town. I work at a Christmas tree farm that might get bought out by googisoft computers unless we can come up with the money by Christmas.

[Cut to Prince Simon] Prince Simon: Hello. I’m prince Simon of Caucasia. I’ve negotiated a peace treaty with our neighbors in Asstopia. The only problem is, I can’t sign it unless I’m married by Christmas.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Ho, ho, ho, Lo! I’m Nick St. Claus and I work one day a year. My co-workers are, how do I say this, a little short. I’m not Santa.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Wow, those are hunks. Lauren, whoever you pick will join you in the Hallmark gazebo suite where you’ll share a single dry kiss. So, who gets the first question?

Lauren: I’ll start with royalty. Prince Simon, I live in stock footage of New York city that still has the twin towers in it. But Caucasia sounds incredible. What is it like?

[Cut to Prince Simon]

Prince Simon: Well, there’s snowy mountains and we all have British accents, so you know, vague Europe.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Wow. That’s dreamy. Let’s to go Nick. My ex fiancé answered work emails on Christmas which made him the villain. Please, tell me you take Christmas off.

[Cut to Nick St. Claus]

Nick St. Claus: Yeah, that’s going to be a problem because I work in the gift industry. So, it happens to be my busiest time of the year. Ou!

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Okay. That’s Santa. Now, Brian, you’re always saying meaningful phrases and you’re afraid of fire. Be real with me. Are you a ghost?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s right. I’m a hot ghost. And yes, my thing is invisible.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, that’s too bad.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Well, Lauren, any front-runners?

Lauren: Well, I’m leaning toward the prince but I want to get to know him better.

Emily Cringle: Well, then why don’t we bring in Simon’s friend, the one black person in town.

[Cut to everybody. Prince’s friend walks in.]

Speaker 6: Yo, yo, girl. I’m gonna break it down for you like this. The prince, he’s in love with you. Go get your man.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Thanks. What do you do over the holidays?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I clap when he kiss.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Well, what’s your name?

[Cut to Speaker 6]

Speaker 6: I-I-I- I don’t know. Christmas? Leave me alone. I don’t have a back story.

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle] [the bell rings]

Emily Cringle: Oh, and that chime means it’s almost Christmas. If you haven’t chosen someone to marry by then, Christmas is canceled. And the killer goes free. So, it all comes down to this final question.

Lauren: Bachelors, what is this? [Lauren shows a 9 step candle stand] [Cut to the bachelors]

Nick St. Claus: Christmas fork?

Prince Simon: Santa’s trident?

Brian: A dreidel?

[Cut to Lauren and Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: Judges? Yep, we’ll allow it.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: yeah! I won! I won.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I just don’t know. To give up my job and my very gay friend in the city for things that are actually good like Christmas? And men? If only my dad were here. He always knows what to do.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: Hi, pumpkin.

Lauren: Daddy, you made it.

Dad: Christmas just have never been the same since your mother exploded.

Lauren: Oh, daddy, who do I choose?

Dad: Well, sweetheart, listen to the snow globe.

Lauren: It says choose Christmas? That’s it. I’ll marry Christmas.

Dad: Yes!

[Cut to Emily Cringle]

Emily Cringle: That’s right. The true reason for Christmas is husband. So, this has been A Winter Boyfriend For Holiday Christmas. I’m Emily Kringle from Hallmark reminding you, stay straight out there.

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody] [John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]