Carter… Kenan Thompson
Maya… Heidi Gardner
Kev… Andrew Dismukes
Daisy… Sarah Sherman
Johnny… Rami Malek
Russel… Bowen Yang
[Starts with Carter and Maya at the podium during the school assembly]Carter: Okay, hello everyone. I am Principle Carter. It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle School, the bug assembly. Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs to their entire student body.
Maya: And they are excited. Sort of like, Burning Man for the weird kids.
Carter: So, without further due, bugs.
[There are four students wearing bugs costumes at the stage]Kev: I’m a preying mantis, but not religious. I prey on pests in the garden.
Daisy: I’m a ladybug. I have up to 20 spots and that’s a lot!
Johnny: I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor protects me from predators.
Russel: And I am daddy long legs. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.] [cheers and applause]
Carter: Great! Well, your costumes all look terrific. Looking forward to learning more.
Maya: Let’s hear about your diets.
Johnny: I eat weeds and grasses but not the kind you’re thinking. Don’t get me in trouble.
Daisy: I eat bugs and in my life, I can eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.
Russel: And what does daddy long legs eat? Boys, boys, boys. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]
Carter: Okay. Russel…
Russel: Call me daddy.
Carter: Okay, daddy, I appreciate the creativity but I’d love to know some more about your insect.
Russel: Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a father and my legs go on for weeks.
Maya: Okay, and daddy–
Russel: I don’t want that from you.
Maya: Okay, Russel, can you say any science facts about yourself?
Russel: Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk into the room and I’m respected. No more questions. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]
Maya: Okay. Russel, you looked like you were about to do a death drop but then you stopped.
Russel: I got scared. I’ve only done it once. I didn’t want my ass to split open in front of the judges.
Maya: There are no judges.
Carter: Yeah. [asking Maya] What is this kid’s deal?
Maya: Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo. His other dad’s republican. And honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever heard him speak.
Carter: Got it. Got it.
Johnny: I gotta say, this feels kind of unfair. He’s named after his legs and I’m named after stink.
Kev: Honestly, Johnny, out of all the seventh grade boys, you smell really good.
Johnny: Thanks Kev.
Daisy: Also, I could have sworn Russel was assigned cockroach.
Russel: It wasn’t a fit.
Maya: Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you bugs have any questions for each other?
Kev: I do. How does the daddy long legs trap its prey?
Russel: I slam my credit card and say, “Daddy’s got it.”
Daisy: Well, why isn’t there mommy long legs?
Russel: [yelling] Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now. I’m going to freak out.
Maya: Okay. Daisy, take a time out.
Russel: I’m gonna scare you in the shower later bitch.
Carter: Alright. Let’s just relax and move on. One of the cool things about today is that we can see how different bugs interact. Since you’re such an artistic bunch, let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug might exist in nature. And go.
Johnny: Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.
Russel: It’s been a while. [sad music playing] You look worse. Who let you in?
Johnny: What?
Russel: No stinkbug. I miss you. I want your stink back in my life. Let’s get remarried.
Carter: Alright! That is enough! Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far. Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene was pretty damn good.
Johnny: You know, Russel isn’t the only one here who can do cool stuff, okay? I can too. I have charisma. [stares awkwardly for a moment] Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to say I emit odor in a stinky way. [does the dab]
Russel: Johnny, that was amazing. I don’t know if you know this, but my dad’s an executive at Bravo. We’re getting you a show.
Johnny: Wow, Russel. Really? That’s amazing.
Russel: Yes. And we have to celebrate. All of us, tonight. Book the school bus coz we’re going out. And remember, daddy’s got it!
[Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]