Substitute teacher

Leslie Jones

Dale Sweez… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with school bell ringing. Leslie enters the classroom.]

Leslie: Alright, alright. Settle down. [yelling] This class has already ran out of another teacher! So we got you a substitute today. Also, what is that smell in here? Your changing bodies are popping out so much sweat and now you trying to cover it up with Axe body spray? It’s not working! You stinking little hot pockets. Anyway, your substitute teacher is here, so shut up and listen to this dude.

[Dale Sweez walks in and Leslie leaves]

Dale Sweez: Wad up, fam? My name is Dale Sweez. You can call me Dale or you can call me Sweez. Let’s take the mister [pointing at Kenan] out of the picture.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey. Mikey is shaking his head.]

Kenan: [laughing] Oh, man! Not this guy.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Hey, let me ask you a question me ambre. You like hiphop? You like dope beats? Well, what if I told you that the greatest rapper of all time isn’t Tupac, isn’t Biggie, it’s actually–

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Shakespeare.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: It’s actually Shakespeare.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, dude. We know. You’re not the first well meaning sub to try and reach us through hiphop.

Kenan: Let me guess, you’re about to open your laptop and perform a rap version of “Hamlet’s to be or not to be”.

[Cut to Dale Sweez using his laptop]

Dale Sweez: What? No!

[“Hamlet’s to be or not to be” rap version plays on his laptop, but he immediately stops it.]

No, I wasn’t gonna do that.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, wow. You already recorded it. Very sad.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: This is actually mad inspiring. Coz I came in here thinking I was the teacher, but maybe you guys are gonna be the ones to…

[Cut to the students]

Students: To teach you.

Dale Sweez: Damn!

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah, we’ve been through this so many times, man! There was that divorce lady who used hiphop to teach us poetry

[Cut to Pete and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yeah. And remember that white ballet dancer from last week?

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Yeah. First we taught her hiphop. And then she taught us ballet, but for some reason she could only teach us ballet through hiphop.

Mikey: I would love just like a quiet math class.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Well, let me tell you my story. It just might surprise you.

[Cut to Kenan and Mikey]

Kenan: Not… likely…

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: I went out to Hollywood, did the whole actor thing. I was out there for over seven weeks. You know how many parts I got? Zero. You know how many auditions I went on? Over four. One day I said to myself, “Wait a minute Dale, what if the greatest part in the greatest movie is Dale Sweez in a real life.”

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Cool, man. Before you even started talking, I wrote down “Went to Hollywood, failed hard.”

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Whoa! My man! You just put the whole system on trial. And so am I. We’re gonna watch a movie today. But not a movie for them. A movie for you.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Them? Who is them? And please be specific.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: A little movie called Straight Outta Compton.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: We’ve already watched that six times. I know it by heart.

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: Let’s start over. Seems like you B boys and home girls got it all figured out, right? What about you, slugger? You’ve been pretty quiet over there. [Dale Sweez walks to Melissa and patts her shoulder] Maybe you don’t want anyone to know that you can’t read.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You think she can’t read? This is an AP English class.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: I am quiet because I’m stunned and embarrassed for you.

Students: Oh!

[Leslie enters]

Leslie: What the hell is going on here? Are you trying to touch a student?

[Cut to Dale Sweez]

Dale Sweez: I’m trying touch all these students. Wait!

Leslie: Man, get out of here.

[Cut to everybody]

Dale Sweez: I will get out and I’m taking my class with me. Follow me young scholars, to the field. Question everything.

[Dale Sweez walks out alone] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, that’s a hard pass.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: [yelling] And it still smells in here you little boogers!