Damien… Andrew Dismukes
Kyle Mooney
Mikey Day
Punkie Johnson
Nate… Pete Davidson
John Krasinski
[Starts with a boy reading a book in school. Other boys walk up and start bullying him.]
Kyle: What’s up, loser?
Mikey: What you reading there, ass lick? Little comic book?
[Kyle seizes the book from Damien]
Damien: Give it back!
Punkie: Or what? You gonna cry?
Nate: Little bitch is gonna cry.
[John sees them]
John: Hey! Leave my little brother alone.
[John takes the book back and passes it to Damien]
Nate: Alright, John. Whatever, man. Chill.
John: No, I’m not gonna chill, Nate. Because to be honest, I’m sick of dumb asses like you messing with him. So he’s not captain of the football team, so what? This guy is still cool.
Damien: Thanks, John.
John: So what if he’s never kissed a girl? Big freaking deal? This guy practices kissing all the time.
Damien: Not all the time.
John: And guess what? News flash! Our mom says he’s getting pretty damn good at it.
Kyle: Wait, what?
John: Oh, you think he’s weird, right? Why? Because he sleeps in our parent’s bed when he’s scared?
Damien: Sometimes.
John: Or is it because he has to wear prescription charcoal underwear for his medical gas?
Damien: [embarrassed] Busted!
John: I’ll tell you what? I think he’s brave.
Mikey: Yo, this bitch? Brave? I don’t know about that.
John: Oh, you don’t? Okay. Cast your mind, imagine this. Going into the school bathroom and taking a dump so bad, they had to cancel classes.
Damien: No.
John: But still somehow, he shows up to school the next day with his head held high. He did that.
Punkie: That was you?
Damien: No. Maybe.
John: You look at Damien and all you see is a loner. Right? A loser. A kid with a list of jocks name in his wallet.
Mikey: That’s concerning.
John: To you he’s just a kind that won’t take off his shirt in gym class, right?
Damien: Alright, let’s get out of here.
John: But if you had a birthmark shaped like a swastika, you wouldn’t either!
Damien: Please stop.
Kyle: I’m with Damien, John. Maybe just stop.
John: Why? So you can make fun of him again about his inverted nipples?
Punkie: I didn’t even know about that.
John: Or his inverted foreskin maybe?
Nate: Or that.
John: See, maybe if your foreskin grew down toward the base instead of up towards the tip, you would have a little bit of sympathy for what this dude has been through.
Damien: It’s not that weird.
John: 15 surgeries to correct it.
Damien: Minor ones.
John: Constant cleaning, q-tips, alcohol.
Damien: Alcohol! Party time.
John: And still our mom sends him back to have it redone. Why? Because it doesn’t look right.
Damien: Everyone’s a critic.
Mikey: Wait, sorry. Your mom?
John: You know what? He’s my brother. And he’s cool enough for me. Let’s go, Damien.
[When Damien bends over to get his back, his pants are wet.]
Punkie: Oh! He doogied himself!
John: Hey! Don’t think it was your bullying that made him do that. Okay? Because that has been there all day.
Damien: Yeah!
John: Yeah!