Bullies

Damien… Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Nate… Pete Davidson

John Krasinski

[Starts with a boy reading a book in school. Other boys walk up and start bullying him.]

Kyle: What’s up, loser?

Mikey: What you reading there, ass lick? Little comic book?

[Kyle seizes the book from Damien]

Damien: Give it back!

Punkie: Or what? You gonna cry?

Nate: Little bitch is gonna cry.

[John sees them]

John: Hey! Leave my little brother alone.

[John takes the book back and passes it to Damien]

Nate: Alright, John. Whatever, man. Chill.

John: No, I’m not gonna chill, Nate. Because to be honest, I’m sick of dumb asses like you messing with him. So he’s not captain of the football team, so what? This guy is still cool.

Damien: Thanks, John.

John: So what if he’s never kissed a girl? Big freaking deal? This guy practices kissing all the time.

Damien: Not all the time.

John: And guess what? News flash! Our mom says he’s getting pretty damn good at it.

Kyle: Wait, what?

John: Oh, you think he’s weird, right? Why? Because he sleeps in our parent’s bed when he’s scared?

Damien: Sometimes.

John: Or is it because he has to wear prescription charcoal underwear for his medical gas?

Damien: [embarrassed] Busted!

John: I’ll tell you what? I think he’s brave.

Mikey: Yo, this bitch? Brave? I don’t know about that.

John: Oh, you don’t? Okay. Cast your mind, imagine this. Going into the school bathroom and taking a dump so bad, they had to cancel classes.

Damien: No.

John: But still somehow, he shows up to school the next day with his head held high. He did that.

Punkie: That was you?

Damien: No. Maybe.

John: You look at Damien and all you see is a loner. Right? A loser. A kid with a list of jocks name in his wallet.

Mikey: That’s concerning.
John: To you he’s just a kind that won’t take off his shirt in gym class, right?

Damien: Alright, let’s get out of here.

John: But if you had a birthmark shaped like a swastika, you wouldn’t either!

Damien: Please stop.

Kyle: I’m with Damien, John. Maybe just stop.

John: Why? So you can make fun of him again about his inverted nipples?

Punkie: I didn’t even know about that.

John: Or his inverted foreskin maybe?

Nate: Or that.

John: See, maybe if your foreskin grew down toward the base instead of up towards the tip, you would have a little bit of sympathy for what this dude has been through.

Damien: It’s not that weird.

John: 15 surgeries to correct it.

Damien: Minor ones.

John: Constant cleaning, q-tips, alcohol.

Damien: Alcohol! Party time.

John: And still our mom sends him back to have it redone. Why? Because it doesn’t look right.

Damien: Everyone’s a critic.

Mikey: Wait, sorry. Your mom?

John: You know what? He’s my brother. And he’s cool enough for me. Let’s go, Damien.

[When Damien bends over to get his back, his pants are wet.]

Punkie: Oh! He doogied himself!

John: Hey! Don’t think it was your bullying that made him do that. Okay? Because that has been there all day.

Damien: Yeah!

John: Yeah!

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.