Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]

Quiz Whiz

Dana… Cecily Strong

Male contestant… Taran Killam

Female contestant… Brie Larson

[Starts with Quiz Whiz intro]

Dana: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Whiz, 2018. Your favorite game show that as a reminder takes place today in the year 2018. Now, our contestants have been battling it out and are now tied with one question left. Contetants, are you ready?

Male Contestant: All ready, Dana.

Female Contestant: Couldn’t be more ready, Dana.

Dana: Okay. Now, neither of you gotten a single question wrong so far. Which means this is for all the Quiz Whiz glory. First to buzz in with a correct answer win.s

Male Contestant: It’s gonna be me.

Female Contestant: No way, I’ve got this.

Dana: Okay. Well, here’s your question. In the year 2016, Donald Trump won the republican nomination for president. But what was the name of the man who came in second?

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are thinking]

Male Contestant: Um…

Female Contestant: Shoot!

Male Contestant: Ugh! What was that guy’s–

Female Contestant: God! What was his…

Male Contestant: Oh!

Dana: Now as a reminder, he was on TV for 13 straight months. He was a major player in the election. It was Donald Trump first, John Kasich third.

Female Contestant: Yeah, I know John Kasich.

Male Contestant: Of course, John Kasich. Yeah.

Female Contestant: But who was that other guy that came in second?

Male Contestant: Uh! God! I’m trying to picture him but my brain’s showing me nothing.

Dana: Yes, that’s him.

Female Contestant: I- I can’t even remember his face. I’m just sort of seeing this blah…

Dana: Yeah, yeah, you’ve got it.

Male Contestant: Ugh, gosh! It’s on tip of my– what is it? Oh! Tongue! Yes, it’s on the tip of my tongue but no, I don’t know who the guy is.

Dana: Okay. Maybe this will help. In the final week of his campaign, he began a vicious crusade against transgender people.

Female Contestant: Right at the end?

Dana: Yes. Days before. What’s his name?

Male Contestant: God, I feel like I should know this. I mean, I am transgender.

Dana: Yeah. We all are. It’s 2018.

Male Contestant: Right. Dana, I would like to use my first lifeline. I’d like a visual clue.

Dana: Alright. Hands on your buzzers. Here it is.

[a picture of Carly Fiorina appears on the screen.

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are looking excited, ready to press the buzzer.]

Male Contestant: Can’t wait for that clue, Dana.

Female Contestant: Tell us when you put up that clue, Dana.

Dana: Well, I just did. that’s it. That’s a photo of Carly Fiorina. She was this candidate’s vice president.

Male Contestant: Wait, what?

Female Contestant: He didn’t win the nomination but he had a vice-president?

Male Contestant: Named Cari Ferrari?

Female Contestant: Dana, I’d like to phone a friend. His name is Crichard. He teaches political history at Harvard and he will know this for sure.

[phone ringing]

Crichard: Hello, this is Crichard.

Female Contestant: Hello Crichard, it’s me. I’m on Quiz Whiz 2018 and I have a question.

Crichard: Oh. One second. I am driving. Let me just pull over to the side. Up the air. This is a flying car.

Female Contestant: Yes, of course. Okay Crichard, in twentysixteen, Donald Trump won the republican nomination.

Crichard: Yes. Yes. I definitely know this.

Female Contestant: What was the name of the man who came in second?

Crichard: Aii! Oh! Ah!

Female Contestant: Crichard, five seconds.

Crichard: Oh, and four and three and two and one and zero. Okay, goodbye.

Dana: Okay contestands, to help you out, we’re gonna give you two letters of his name. Here they are.

[The screen shows “T_ _ C _ _ _”] [buzzer sound]

Male Contestant: Dana, I have it finally. Top Crap.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dana: Oh. I’m sorry. That’s what he was voted in high school. We are looking for his name. Mark, you’re out.

Male Contestant: Well, I guess I’ll just head back home, on to Mars. You know, its 2018.

Female Contestant: Dana, I know that I can get this and I would like to use my final lifeline.

Dana: Your super clue. Are you sure? It will cost you 1,000 Quizzi-whizzies.

Female Contestant: I’m sure.

Dana: Okay. Are you ready? Here is your super clue. Heidi, he’s your husband.

Female Contestant: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. That is right. I forgot we did- we did do that whole thing together. Oh, god! That was so sad. He like, elbowed me on the face at the end. Okay, yeah. Of course I know what this is. Okay. [presses the buzzer button.] Final answer, Sus. I mean Ted. Cruz. Ted Cruz.

Dana: Yes. That’s correct. Heidi, you win. Thanks for watching. This has been Quiz Whiz, 2018. All hail president Trump.

[Dana, Male Contestant and Female Contestant come together and put their hands on their hearts.] [A picture of Donald Trump wearing King’s Crown is dropped behind them]

All: [singing] Trump my fearless leader
his penis big and true

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears] [visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves] [A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away] [Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves] [Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears] [Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing] [As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

Serial The Christmas Surprise

Sarah Kinik… Cecily Strong

Jennifer… Amy Adams

Chris… Kyle Mooney

David… Kenan Thompson

Dana… Kate McKinnon

Jingle… Jay Phroah

Adina Hernandez… Aidy Bryang

[Starts with clips of recording studio] [Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.] [Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

[Cut to Dana]

Dana: So, it’s mail kim? (MailChimp)

Sarah Kinik: what?