Weekend Update Church Lady

Colin Jost

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A Catholic church in San Diego has warned parishioners that they will go to hell if they vote for democrats. Here to comment on the state of the election, it’s Church Lady.

[Church Lady slides in] [Cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Hi. Hello, Colin. thank you for having me on your little midnight show.

Colin Jost: It’s so nice to have you.

Church Lady: What delightful job you have.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Church Lady: Instead of resting up for church, you’re staying up late making naughty jokes about Anthony’s weiner. Not quite the path of Jesus, is it?

Colin Jost: Well, I think that Jesus appreciates a good joke, doesn’t he?

Church Lady: Jesus loves a good joke. So that would leave you out of the equation, wouldn’t it, Colin?

Colin Jost: I thought we had some fun jokes, you know? They were alright.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Colin Jost: Alright. So, what are your thoughts about this election?

Church Lady: Well, it’s a tough choice we have on Tuesday, don’t we, Colin? Do we vote for a bitter female android from the 90s? Or riverboat gambler with a big tummy and an orange head?

Colin Jost: So, you have not chosen a candidate yet?

Church Lady: Jesus is not on the ballet, Colin. I suppose he’s not part of your life either, is he? Because like everyone else in Hollywood, you’re a homosexual.

[audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Why are you laughing? I’m actually not gay.

[Church Lady giggling]

Church Lady: Your’e too good, dear Jost. Colin, really. Seriously, that is so funny. Stay there. Stay in the cover, Mr. Good.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Church Lady: Colin, by my count, there are only three celebrities left who aren’t homosexual. Jim Parsons, Niel Patrick Harris and wonderful Nathan Lane.

Colin Jost: Actually, all of them are gay. Yeah, that’s–

Church Lady: Oh! News flash.

Colin Jost: Why don’t we just focus on the election? Can we stay in election?

Church Lady: Yeah, let’s just stay real micro managed right now. Focus. Tuesday. Yes. Absolutely. Who are you gonna support, Colin?

Colin Jost: Me?

Church Lady: I suppose you’re gonna write in your favorite candidate… Satan!

Colin Jost: Well…

Church Lady: I surprised you, didn’t I? I just jumped at you. Don’t make me do it again.

Colin Jost: No. I’m not voting for Satan.

Church Lady: Oh! Well, well, well. You know, you’re just a late night comic with a belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I’m not drunk.

Church Lady: Yes, you are.

Colin Jost: Maybe a little buzz.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Smoking the pot now, are we? Sucking on the devil’s cigarette. That must be why you’re not the crispiest chip in the bag.

Colin Jost: Look, is there anything out there right now that you do like?

Church Lady: West World. Yes.

Colin Jost: You like– I love that show. I’m surprised you like it.

Church Lady: What’s not to like, Colin? A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood. Too soon?

[Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It just seems like everything in the world you think is just in such a bad state.

Church Lady: You know what? You know what? I never lost hope, Colin. And what a lovely country we have here. Sometimes I look around, I think to myself, “What a wonderful world.”

Colin Jost: Oh, no. You’re not gonna sing, are you?

[music playing] [Cut to Church Lady]

Church Lady: [singing] I see skies are blue,
red roses too
I see them bloom
for me and you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself
what a wonderful world.

Colin Jost: Church Lady, everyone.

Church Lady Cold Open

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Melania… Cecily Strong

Ivanka… Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Church Chat intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Church Chat.

[Cut to Church Lady]

[cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Thank you. Thank you everybody. Welcome to Church Chat. I’m the Church Lady. You know, it’s interesting times in America, right? And now we’ve landed on the exciting presidential matchup between a god list liberal democrat and Hillary Clinton. But first my favorite event of the week, the Met Gala Ball, the classy evening where strumpets and street walkers and sluts get to parade around in the latest genital fashion. First, we have Madonna. Let’s see what this 57-year-old mother chose to wear.

[Cut to picture of Madonna from behind at the Met Gala]

Look, her fanny’s just hanging out with sturdy straps [Cut to Church Lady] to push those six-decade old bums straight to heaven. Go get Jesus.

And then we have Beyonce. [Cut to picture of Beyonce at Met Gala] She must be thinking, “What should I wear to the ball tonight? [Cut to Church Lady] I know. A giant latex condom. All wrapped up and ready to fornicate.”

Speaking of fornicating, Beyonce made her record called Lemonade about her husband’s affairs. With that in mind, introducing today’s sponsor, Church Lady’s Lemonade.

[Church Lady shows a package of lemonade with her picture on it.]

It’s freshly squeezed just like Jay-Z’s snotty parts.  Too soon? Okay. Alright let’s talk politics, shall we? My first guest is someone I’ve talked about quite a bit here on Church Chat but we’ve never actually met face to face. Please welcome Satan.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Hi there. You can actually just call me Ted Cruz.

Church Lady: Oh, I’m terribly sorry about that. I was just quoting one of your colleagues, Teddy. Don’t get that a bunch. You know, John Boehner, speaker of the house.

Ted Cruz: Oh, sure. No, John’s– Oh, he’s coming up with hilarious nick names for me like Buster, or son of a gun.

Church Lady: I believe the phrase was ‘Lucifer in the flesh’. Yeah, little bit different than Buster. And now you quit the race entirely. Why do you think it didn’t work out?

Ted Cruz: Well Church Lady, I suppose the American people weren’t ready for a candidate with strong Christian values, someone like me who follows the righteous path and lives his faith every blessing moment.

Church Lady: Has anyone ever told you that you’re just a little preachy? Just a little bit. We like ourselves, don’t we. Look at that face. We love ourselves. Coz we think we’re just a little bit– There it is. That’s that happy superior face coz we love Jesus more than anybody.

Ted Cruz: Yes, I do pray to god often and I think everything that happened was part of god’s plan.

Church Lady: Was it? Was it? God’s plan for you to get humiliated by an orange mannequin? That’s kind of an odd plan for god to have for you, isn’t it? Tell me Ted Man Walking, what are you gonna do now?

Ted Cruz: Well actually Church Lady, I’ve been thinking about turning evil for a while. You know? Going to the dark side. I mean, I’ve been told to go to hell so many times I- I think its finally time to check it out. [laughing hardly]

Church Lady: Well, what a fun trip you’re looking forward to. I rarely say this in encouraging way, but see you in hell!

Ted Cruz: Ha-ha, thank you Church Lady. [Stands and walks out laughing]

Church Lady: Alright, very good. Little bit. Just a little bit. Alright, our final guest today is the presumptive republican divorcee– I mean nominee, please welcome the tangerine tornado, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Terrific. Alright there, hi Donny. have a seat. Look at you.

Donald Trump: Hey Church Lady. It’s great to be here. Your place looks tremendous. Believe me, this is one classy fun house.

Church Lady: Actually, this is what we call a church. Something tells me that you’re not a big church goer.

Donald Trump: Oh, I’m a big church guy. I’m there all the time. Sometimes I go even when it’s not church day.

Church Lady: Wow, what a well put statement. Does Donny ever take a gander at the holy scripture?

Donald Trump: Honestly, I love all the books in the bible. I do. They’re all terrific. Corinthians part two. Book of revelations. Two geneses too furious, which says and I quote, “Love thy neighbor as thyself and like a good neighbor stay far as there.” And, “always keep the sabbath huge.” That’s Moses. Oh, and part where Jon Snow comes back to life, that’s great bible.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? Donny, there are those who say you’re not qualified and that’s not true. You know, I remember a Celebrity apprentice episode where Gary Busey didn’t sell enough pancakes and you just said, “You’re fired.” And I thought right then and there, “Give this man the nuclear codes.”

Donald Trump: A lot of people are saying that.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Speaking of God’s commandments or not, I understand your family is here.

Donald Trump: Oh yeah, that’s right. Get in here guys.

[three women enter]

This is my wife Melania.

Melania: Hello, it’s so wonderful to be here.

Donald Trump: My lovely daughter, Ivanka.

Ivanka: Sort of great to be here as well.

Church Lady: And who’s the third woman down there?

Donald Trump: That’s just another model. I mean she’s great energy to have around.

Church Lady: I’m sure.

Kate: [in Russian accent] Let’s have fun.

Church Lady: It likes all kinds of flash, doesn’t it? Tell me Donald, have you figured out who your vice presidents are gonna be? Somebody who shares your temperament and values? Someone like, oh I don’t know, could it be… Satan?

[Ted Cruz comes in. Now he has horns and fangs. He is there with his minion.]

Ted Cruz: [in demonic voice] I have recurred.

Church Lady: Ted is a demon. My god!

Ted Cruz: I am no longer Ted Cruz. I am Bermagulas, lord of shadows. [laughing]

Donald Trump: You sure you aren’t lord of the weak chins?

[Ted Cruz is angry and looking at Donald Trump]

Ted Cruz: Stop it Donald.

Donald Trump: You’re the first guy who got possessed and looks better.

Ted Cruz: You’re such a jerk, Donald! I’m going back to hell. They’re nicer there.

[Ted Cruz leaves]

Church Lady: Well, that was an eventful Church Chat. Thanks for letting us chatted up with you and right now all I gotta say is…

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Church Lady and Ted Cruz: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

[The End]