Tag: Danny

Video Game Session

Stephen… Andrew Dismukes

Trace…Michael B. Jordan

Danny… Bowen Yang

Frank… Mikey Day

Marcello Hernandez

Stephen: Okay, guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game.

Trace: Excited to be here. Thanks.

Danny: Thrilled to be on board. Whoo!

Stephen: And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. Our last actor Frank quit due to creative differences. And because I slept with his wife.

Marcello: Argh, actors.

Stephen: I know. So Trace, you’ll be playing Ken, a former US national fighting champ.

Trace: I’m totally in my element. I served for years.

Stephen: And Danny you are a martial artist seeking true strength, Ryu.

Danny: Whoo, love.

Stephen: All right, well, for this first take, let’s just get both of you recording efforts. Taking blows, landing hits, that kind of thing.

Marcello: I’m rolling.

Stephen: And action.

Trace: Uh, ugh, ah, hah, hai-yah, urghh.

Stephen: Yes, that’s great. Danny, let’s get the same from you.

Danny: Okay. Whoo! Wohoo! Ah-woo! Yay! Whoo!

Stephen: Let’s cut. Let’s cut.

Danny: That was really fun. Thanks for letting me play.

Stephen: Yeah, so I guess we were looking for more grunts, you know? You’re fighting, you’re in pain.

Danny: Oh, I see. [looking at Trace] So maybe do it like you’re fighting or you’re in pain.

Trace: Okay, got it. Got it. Got it.

Stephen: No, no, Trace. You don’t need to change what you were doing. But Danny, maybe it’s more aggressive, animalistic, that kind of thing.

Danny: Hmm, yes, Chef.

Stephen: All right. And Action.

Trace: Ugh!

Danny: Whoo!

Trace: Uh!

Danny: Aru!

Trace: Huuuh!

Danny: Woof!

Trace: Wouf!

Danny: Wouf! Wouf!

Trace: Hoof! Hoof!

Danny: Meow!

Trace: Oink!

Danny: Snake!

Trace: Ka-ka-doo-doo.

Stephen: Cut. Okay, no. Trace, don’t match what he’s doing.

Trace: Oh, okay. He’s just an amazing scene partner. So.

Danny: Thank you. And I was just taking your note. You said to do animals.

Stephen: Yeah, but I said a bunch of stuff before that.

Danny: Well, I have auditory recency bias. So you can’t say that to me. I could sue you.

Trace: Okay guys, guys. Please don’t fight. It reminds me of the war and of fighting.

Stephen: You know what? Let’s just move on. We need to get these quick verbal phrases to say during the fight. And action.

Trace: Take that.

Danny: Hey, I like your necklace.

Trace: What? This old thing? Thanks.

Danny: See? Kindness wins.

Trace: You’re right. Let’s not fight it.

Danny: Yay, I forgot to ask. What are your pronouns?

Trace: He/him.

Stephen: Cut.

Danny: I’ll tell him. Ken is he/they.

Stephen: Guys? We can’t use any of that.

Danny: Aww, that makes me sad. Is there a reason?

Stephen: Yes, it’s because no one sounds like that when they fight.

Trace: That’s actually not true. I mean, you remind me exactly as someone I served with in Iraq.

Danny: Oh, you went to Iraq? Where did you stay?

Stephen: Dan! Didn’t want to say this, but you just need to play a more hetero.

Danny: Okay, you should have just said that in the beginning. I got it. Let’s roll. Hey, brother, Ken, biceps looking huge.

Trace: You looking pretty swole yourself, bro.

Danny: I saw you changing in the locker room, but I was completely soft my dude.

Trace: How the hell do you know my name?

Danny: Hey, easy brother. My wife’s on this app.

Stephen: What are you talking about? This isn’t an app.

Danny: It’s a video game? Well, then brother. I’ll race you to the GameCube brother.

Stephen: What? Danny, Dan. Answered me honestly. Do you really think you would sound like this in a real fight?

Danny: Yes, I would brother.

[Frank walks in]

Stephen: Oh my god. Frank. What are you doing here?

Frank: I told you I’ll kill you for sleeping with my wife.

Trace: No. I’ll protect you. [pushing Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [hitting Frank] Whoo!

Trace: [slapping Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [pushing Frank] Meow!

Male voice: KO!

Stephen: Well, I’ll be damned. You two just saved my life.

Danny: No, Stephen, Ken and Ryu saved your life.

A Visit with Santa

Bowen Yang

Santa… Steve Martin

Elf… Martin Short

Penny… Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

Amanda… Ego Nwodim

Lisa… Sarah Sherman

Bowen: Children of all ages, you’ve come to the right place. The actual Mr. Chris Granville himself has come all the way from the North Pole and Santa!

Santa: Ho-ho-ho. That is right. My schedule is a little crazy right now, but there’s no place I’d rather be. Right Sprinkles, the Elf?

Elf: That’s right, Santa. Can’t say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn’t Pringles the Elf.

Santa: Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles?

Elf: It’s sprinkles but sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don’t know. I like Pringles.

Santa: Good. I have been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years.

Elf: Right. It’s Sprinkles? I made a mistake.

Santa: Okay, who’s first?

Bowen: This is Penny. She’s nine. And I’m pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.

Penny: Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.

Santa: Oh, isn’t that sweet? Now what do you want for Christmas this year?

Penny: Well, I would like a Magic Nixies Crystal Ball.

Santa: Oh, that sounds like something I like too.

Penny: And What The Fluff interactive toy cat.

Santa: Oh, well, you’re gonna have to have that.

Penny: And oh. I also…

Elf: [yelling] That’s enough. You asked for two things. That’s enough. Read the room.

Penny: But I want a rainbow high doll.

Elf: I said no. It’s too much. He can’t do it.

Santa: Sprinkles, of course I can do it. I’m Santa. You’ll get all yes for and more, Penny. I promise you.

Penny: Thanks, Santa.

Elf: Next!

Bowen: Is everything okay

Elf: Yes.

Santa: It is?

Elf: I said yes.

Bowen: Okay, this is Danny. He’s 11.

Santa: Hey.

Danny: Hi. My mom says soon I’ll be too old to come see you. So I should go now.

Santa: Nonsense. You’re never too old now. What do you want this year?

Danny: Well, I was thinking I want a Razor X skateboard and Beats wireless headphones and a Todd Snyder popover hoodie.

Elf: Oh my God. Are you trying to kill him?

Danny: What?

Elf: He cannot operate on this level. You want to Todd Snyder what?

Danny: Popover hoodie.

Elf: He doesn’t know what that is.

Santa: Of course I do. It’s like a hoodie with a thing. It’s a wonderful gift.

Elf: What happened to the air pods he got you last year?

Danny: I lost them.

Elf: Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No more shit. [stands and walks to Danny, pulls him off and pushes him out] Now, stay out. Next.

Santa: Sprinkles.

Elf: What?

Santa: You have legs.

Elf: Yes. My god. Three years now. Thanks for noticing.

Santa: Yeah. That’s amazing.

Bowen: Okay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. But this is Amanda.

Santa: Hi, Amanda, aren’t you cute.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: Say that again. I dare you.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: [yelling] Then get a job.

Santa: Sprinkles. Can I talk with you?

Elf: What are you doing? You’re just saying yes to everything.

Santa: But I love children.

Elf: There are 2 billion of them. And they all want a fortnight battle passes, whatever the hell it is.

Santa: Sprinkles, calm down. Every year you worry we can’t pull it off. But we always do. And we’ll do it this year too, I promise.

Elf: With fixedness magic?

Santa: Well, there’s this other stuff I heard about. And it’s called speed.

Elf: Speed? What’s that?

Santa: Well, it’s some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. We just have to figure out where to get some.

Elf: Well, can’t you ask one of the kids that they have any?

Santa: No, I’m not allowed to ask them for stuff. But maybe if one of them brings it up, you know, I can kind of ask them.

Elf: Okay, let’s try.

Santa: Okay. Hi, little girl. What’s your name?

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa and I want to pony.

Santa: Oh, that’s great. You know anything about speed?

Lisa: No. What is that?

Santa: Oh, this kid’s nothing. Get out of here.

Elf: Hey wait, that guy knows I bet.

Bowen: Who? Me?

Elf: He knows. He knows.

Santa: He definitely knows. Come here little boy.

[Bowen whispers in Santa’s ears]

Uh-huh. And they take cash.

Elf: Christmas is safe.

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.