Tag: Dante

Jheri’s Place

Leslie Jones

Dante… Dave Chappelle

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Benjamin… Mikey Day

Inspector… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Leslie briefing the staff]

Leslie: Listen up, Jheri’s Place staff. The health inspector is coming today and I need this place to be clean, understand? Because lately we’ve had a lot of complaints about hair in the food and that cannot happen.

[Dante, Kenan and Aidy have long curly hair and they are spraying on it]

Dante: Oh, don’t even look at me Donnie. You know whose fault that is.

Kenan: Yeah, all signs pointing to Benjamin.

Aidy: What the hell, Benjamin?

[Benjamin is looking at them confused. He has very short and well cut hair.]

Benjamin: What? Me?

Leslie: Let’s not point fingers.

Benjamin: I think it was Dante.

Dante: Excuse you. The only thing I’m doing is standing here looking so god damn beautiful.

Leslie: Oh, the health inspector is here.

[Inspector walks in and he finds a bundle of hair.]

Inspector: [bad accent] Oh, oh. We are not off to a great start.

Leslie: Benjamin!

[Cut to Inside SNL video bumper]

[Cut to Beck reporting the incident]

Beck Bennett: And that about does it for the Jheri’s place sketch here at Studio 8H. In a word, ‘ouch.’ A very thin premise beset by technical slip-ups and performance issues. Let’s now go live to the post-sketch conference and we start with a statement from Dave Chappelle.

[Cut to the post-sketch press conference like that of boxing or MMA fights.]

Dave Chappelle: Um, hello. That was a tough one. But, you know, we’re going to keep out heads down and just look forward, keep moving on to the next sketch.

Alex: So, Dave, what do you think went wrong out there tonight?

Dave Chappelle: Well,  for starters, it was the wigs, man. I think we relied on the wigs too much, you know. You got to realize a wig can’t carry in a tight sketch. I knew that, and I take responsibility for that.

Bobby: Okay, well, speaking of mistakes, Leslie, can you tell us what happened with your late line there?

Leslie Jones: I didn’t mess up.

Bobby: Okay, well, let’s take a look at the replay.

[Cut to the replay where Leslie gets confused with her dialog in the middle]

[Cut back to the conference]

Yeah, it really seems like you were having trouble with the cue cards there.

Leslie Jones: Alright, look. ‘SNL’ knew what they was getting into when they hired me, okay? You know what I’m saying? You’re talking cue cards right now? Really? We’re talking about cards? That’s not the sketch. You talking about cards? Man! Next question.

Alex: Kyle, you took a big swing with the accent right there. Tell me, what was going through your head?

Kyle Mooney: Um, I guess I just didn’t have it today.

Alex: Well, do you think you will find it for the remainder of the show?

Kyle Mooney: [bad accent] I don’t know, you– Nope! I don’t think so.

Bobby: Aidy, you were quoted earlier in the week as saying this sketch was a heater and was going to break the internet. Do you think either of those things came to pass?

Aidy Bryant: [staring at Bobby] Next question.

Alex: Dave, you’re a comedy legend, why this sketch?

Dave Chappelle:  Man, the wig was funny, alright? I put it on, I really thought I was going to be the next David S. Pumpkins. Clearly I was wrong.

Mikey Day: Any questions for me? Mikey Day?

Bobby: No. Kenan, I have to ask, with all your experience on the show, could you have done anything to save this?

Kenan Thompson: Yo, I ain’t got time for this. I been on this show for 62 years. And you going to dwell on this? Come on, man! I got to go get ready for my Puerto Rican Peter Pan sketch. Yeah, yeah. You laughing New York, y’all can kiss my ass.

[All the cast members leave]

Male voice: We’ll be back with more SNL.

[The End]

Chad & RuPaul

RuPaul

Dante… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with RuPaul posing for photo shoot]

Dante: [taking pictures] Oh, just like that. Switch it up. Oh! Ah! Yes! Oh, gorgeous girl.

RuPaul: Hold on! Dante, can we stop?

Dante: What’s wrong, Ru? You look gorgeous.

RuPaul: I know I do. But, me on another cover of Drag magazine? I mean, it’s redundant!

Dante: Who else would it be, girl? You are Drag!

RuPaul: I mean, that’s the problem. Where is the next generation? Drag needs someone new. Someone like… [looks away] Like that. Who are you?

[Cut to Chad carrying a reflection board.]

Chad: Chad!

[Cut to RuPaul]

RuPaul: Everyone, take five! Leave me with the future of Drag.

Dante: Okay. Um, I guess we’re taking five.

[Everybody leaves except RuPaul and Chad]

[RuPaul walks to Chad]

RuPaul: Um, that face! Those cheekbones! These eyes. There’s something dynamic about you boy!

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Have you ever done drag?

Chad: Nah! Just weed and pills.

RuPaul: There’s a queen inside of you, Chad. All she needs is a crown. Get my jest?

Chad: Ha-ha, jest.

RuPaul: Time to get you work, bitch! Let’s go. Step one, the tuck. No bulge, no bump. The junk goes in the trunk.

[Chad walks out wearing nothing but a white underwear.]

Oh, Chad! You need to tape it down and back. Not up and front.

Chad: Oh, my bad!

RuPaul: That said, you have a magnificent penis.

Chad: Oh, thank you.

RuPaul: Step two, the look.

[Chad walking wearing women’s dress]

Oh! How do you feel?

Chad: Gay!

RuPaul: Perfect! Now, the look is incomplete without the–

[Chad is shaking the breast part of the dress.]

Chad! Leave the chicken cutlets alone, child! You gonna pop your tug!

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Now, Chad! We need to beat–

Chad: Off?

RuPaul: Chad, we need to beat your face. For the gods! Step three, the face.

[Cut to RuPaul putting some make up on Chad. Chad is wearing fake breasts.]

May I?

Chad: Okay!

RuPaul: Oh, that is definitely your color, Chad! Now, pop your lips like you’re about to kiss.

[Chad pouts and then starts sticking his tongue out]

Wow! Wow! Wow! Chad, darling! I’m a married man.

Chad: You’re a man?

RuPaul: Did you not know that?

Chad: No.

RuPaul: Huh! The look is only half the battle. Now, you need to own it. Baby, it is time to feel the fantasy, like this.

[RuPaul posing with glamour]

Hah! Now, you’re turn, Chad!

[Cut to Chad all looking like a woman]

Find a song that speaks to the new you. You know, the queen that you really are. The time has come for you to lipsync for your life!

Chad: Okay!

[RuPaul leaves the stage and Dante goes up.]

[Chad starts dancing awkwardly in hiphop beat]

RuPaul: Work it girl! Oh, you gonna do that? Ha-ha! I love it! Oh! You’re goddess. You’re perfection! 10. 10’s across the board. Now, let me see you sissy that wob.

[Chad falls on the table]

Oh, [bleep] ! Oh, my goodness! Are you okay, Chad?

Chad: All good.

RuPaul: Chad, no, that wasn’t good, honey. Look, I can mold you into the next RuPaul and if you wanna be the best, you gotta be willing to work your padded ass off! So, I’ll ask you one more time, Chad. Do you want to be the greatest Drag Queen in the world?

Chad: Nah!

RuPaul: Then you should turn and walk away.

Chad: Okay! Bye RuPaul.

[Chad walks away]

[Cut to RuPaul. Dante walks in.]

Dante: Should I go–

RuPaul: Shh! Some horses were born to run wild!

[Cut to Drag magazine with Chad on it’s cover page.]

[The End]

Connectatron

Xandar… Taran Killam

Dutch… Bobby Moynihan

Evelyn… Cecily Strong

Dante… Jay Pharoah

Mevis… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Connectatron intro]

[Cut to a half shark half dinosaur monster destroying the city. It’s a resemblance of Power Rangers.]

[Cut to Xandar wearing red suit]

Xandar: Oh, no! Zelda used his grow magic of that Shark-a-saur. Now, it’s destroying downtown.

[Cut to Dutch wearing yellow suit]

Dutch: He just crushed my favorite Hogi shop. Let me have him.

[Cut to Evelyn wearing pink suit]

Evelyn: It’s no use. Our ships are so weak against him.

[Cut to Dante wearing blue suit]

Dante: You all thinking what I’m thinking?

[Cut to the Tronners]

Xandar: Tronners, time to connect! Forming head and torso. Evelyn, attach right arm.

Evelyn: Comes up to that.

Xandar: Dante, attach left arm.

Dante: Happy to lend a hand.

Xandar: Dutch, attach right leg.

Dutch: You can lean on me.

Xandar: Mevis, attach left leg.

Mevis: No.

Xandar: Mevis, we need you to form Connectatron.

Mevis: I’m not stopping you.

Xandar: No, you literally are. We can’t move without you.

Dante: Shark-a-saur is attacking.

[Cut to Shark-a-saur attacking one legged Connectatron]

Xandar: Mevis, please! Please help us. Tell us what happened?

Mevis: Ask Dutch.

Dutch: What did I do?

Mevis: Why don’t you tell everybody what happened in the hallway?

Dutch: I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

Mevis: You bumped me and I spilled kombucha on my jacket.

Xandar: Dutch! Just apologize!

Dutch: Boy! I’m sorry!

Xandar: Okay, great! Attach left leg.

Mevis: Excuse me? Xander! Don’t you shout, coz you know you… hitting this thing.

[Other Tronners are laughing]

Xandar: Baby. please.

Mevis: Oh! So, now I’m baby when Shark-a-saur is winning.

Dante: Shield’s down to 15%. Hurry!

Xandar: Mevis. Please! Attach, we can’t do this without you.

Mevis: Let me control the head.

Xandar: Mevis, the cosmic being entrusted me with the responsibility–

Mevis: I’m not asking the cosmic being. I’m asking you baby! Let me control the head.

Dante: 2%!

Xandar: Okay, fine!

Mevis: Attaching!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron is now standing well.]

[Cut to Xandar. Mevis walks in and takes his chair.]

Alright, it’s on now! Take my rings off to whip your ass!

[Cut to Shark-a-saur and Connectatron. Connectatron beats Shark-a-saur.]

[The end]

That’s the Game

Quan… Chris Redd

Dante… Kenan Thompson

Harry Styles

Mikey Day

[Starts with people smuggling packages and counting money in a warehouse.]

Quan: Wrap that package. Alright man, we gotta move this out for tonight.

Dante: Quan, how come I didn’t know nothing about this shipment coming in?

Quan: Maybe that’s because that’s not your concern anymore, Dante. It’s my operation now.

Dante: You cutting me out? I thought we were partners, man. 50-50.

Quan: If we was partners, then why were you acting like the boss? Huh?

Dante: You think you can run this whole thing without me?

[Harry and Mikey who are beside Quan pull guns on Dante]

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Nothing personal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Just business.

Quan: That’s a game, bruh. [Cut to Quan] Don’t trip. I’m gonna run it just like you did. Got ya coke. Ya heroin from Mexico. Move it to the stash house. Guess what I’m gonna do next.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Suppose you’re going to sell it.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Exactly. Who do you think I’m going to sell it to?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You the king, you tell me.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You’re damn right I’m the king! But say I wasn’t yet, and you were. Who would you call to sell the drugs and what’s the guy’s name?

[Silence]

[Mikey and Harry are confused]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: If I was still the king, I’d put a bullet in your goddamn head.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then after that, who is the guy you would sell the drugs to and what’s his number and what’s a good time to call him?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: For real?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Bitch, I just asked you, who would you call? How much would you charge? How would you sell it? What’s his number? And where do you get those little plastic baggies you put the drugs in?

[Silence]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, do you know what you’re doing?

[Cut to Harry, Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Yeah, yo. And besides, product this pure, sells itself.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Not really.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Yo, says you. Man, look at this heroin, bruh!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That’s cocaine.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: It’s the same thing.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: It’s not though.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I know that, fool. I’m saying it’s like the same thing pricewise.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: No, it’s not.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Enough, okay! Look, I got so much of this junk right here, I could give it away and still make bank. [Quan throws the pack up]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yep, that’s a loose pack.

[all the cocaine falls on Quan]

[Cut to Harry, Mikey and Quan]

Quan: Oops, guess I’m out a hundred bucks.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: A hundred bucks? That’s like 30 grand.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: A-ah. [Looks at Mikey] Sweep that up. Sweep that up.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, I admire your hustle, man.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Thank you kindly.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: But you didn’t know the game bruh.

[Cut to everybody]

Quan: Oh, I don’t know the game? I don’t know the game? [Quan takes his gun out] Bitch, I live this game— [All the bullets fall out from his gun] goddammit.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Yo, you hit the wrong button on that.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s okay. All it takes is one bullet.

[Quan puts in the bullet from the front of the gun’s barrel]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: That is not how that goes.

[Cut to Quan and Mikey]

Quan: Here, screw this in for me.

Mikey: Yo, you can’t screw in a bullet.

Quan: Yes, you can.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Quan, you are not ready for this.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I was born ready for this.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, so you got a lawyer sitting up shell companies to hide the cash.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: I’m calling one right now.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Not on your personal phone though, right?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Nah.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: And you know about supply side economics.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Word.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: You can flood the market, after all.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Right, right. ‘Cause of, uh—

[Quan tries to copy what Dante is saying]

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Then you gotta weigh earnings against overhead.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Ooh, it is hot in here.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Of course, you gotta project seasonality in market trends. Right? [Cut to Quan getting confused with all the technical stuffs] So, even though it’s quarter four right now, you’re setting up for quarter two of next year. And you’ve got cops on the pay roll. Let them bust a little bit of the stash, a little in they pockets. [Quan loses his focus] And of course, you gotta figure out a way to get right with the Irs. Right? Get ready to make all the payoffs to the lawyers—Quan? Quan!

Quan: What?

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Go that handled, right, Quan?

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: ‘Cause you know, if you need the help I could see about coming back on maybe a part-time basis.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Listen to this fool.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Yeah. Bitch, you out.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Or maybe he’s in!

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Dude—

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You know, help with the transition and all that. But it ain’t gonna be no 50-50 split this time.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Oh, I know. ‘Cause I’m taking 80%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: You tripping’, dog.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Okay, 100%.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

Harry: What?

Quan: But I’m still the king.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: No.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal. But I get to go to the meetings and all of that.

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: Nope.

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: Deal.

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Bruh!

[Cut to Dante]

Dante: So I guess we back in business then. Clean this mess up. [Dante leaves]

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: Quan!

[Cut to Quan and MIkey]

Mikey: Yo, what just happened?

[Cut to Quan]

Quan: That’s just the game, dog. [Quan pulls up his gun but his bullets fall again] Goddammit.

Mikey: You pushin’ the button.

Quan: I ain’t pushing no button!