Chris Redd
Mikey Day
Tommy… Kyle Mooney
Grieg… Chance the Rapper
Darnell… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with a disclaimer]
Announcer: The following has been paid for the Queen City Department of Education.
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy in the alley]
Chris Redd: That was a fun basketball game.
Mikey Day: Yeah! So awesome. So, what do we do now?
Tommy: Hey, you guys wanna get high?
Chris Redd: You mean, smoke marijuana?
Tommy: Nope, even better. It’s called crack cocaine.
Mikey Day: Awesome!
Chris Redd: I’ll try some.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Grieg: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You’re wrong little dudes. I know you kids ain’t thinking about doing cocaine.
Darnell: Yeah, man! That stuff is wiggady-whack!
[Cut to everybody]
Tommy: Whoa! Who are you guys?
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Both: The sober brothers!
Darnell: In full effect!
Grieg: And when we were your age we used to do cocaine.
Darnell: Word up!
Grieg: You kids don’t want to get mixed up with that junk.
Darnell: Yeah, man! ‘Cos it’s crazy dangerous and it’s expensive.
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: Yeah, but this is crack cocaine. It’s new and really cheap.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Grieg: But it’s still bad for you kids.
Darnell: How cheap?
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: I don’t know. Pretty cheap, like, um, five bucks a rock.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Darnell: Wow, man! That’s pretty damn cheap. It’s probably weak though, right?
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: It’s actually way stronger than regular cocaine.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Darnell: Oh, snap! That’s impossible, right Grieg?
Grieg: Ay, it doesn’t matter. You kids still shouldn’t mess with that crap.
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Chris Redd: But everybody’s doing it.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Darnell: And where they at?
Grieg: Ay, but check this out. You don’t want to be a follower.
Darnell: What? In a park way over there with that long line?
Grieg: If everybody jumped off a bridge, would you?
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Chris Redd: I guess not.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Grieg: And that’s why you shouldn’t do crack.
Darnell: Look at that. The cops are just letting it happen too.
Grieg: Ay, come on, man!
Darnell: Oh, right! Sorry. Besides, kids, cocaine will ruin your nose just like it did mine.
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: But it doesn’t go in your nose. You smoke it with a pipe.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Darnell: And what does it taste like?
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: Actually it tastes pretty gross.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Grieg: Exactly! It’s gross because it’s bad for you.
Darnell: How gross is it though? I mean, like, does it taste like bugs? Because, I’ve eaten bugs.
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: Whatever old man. I’m gonna smoke crack. Who’s with me?
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Darnell: Me!
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Mikey Day: I don’t know, Tommy. Maybe these guys are right.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Darnell: But, maybe we wrong.
Grieg: Darnell! What are you doing man?
Darnell: Man, are you hearing this? This is everything we dreamed of, man! We can get higher, faster for cheaper. And you just want to walk away?
Grieg: But we don’t do that anymore.
Darnell: Because it costs too much. And now, it doesn’t.
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: Fine, I’m going to go throw this crack in the trash.
Mikey Day: Yeah!
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Grieg: That’s good thinking little man.
Darnell: Yeah, which can?
[Cut to Chris Redd, Mikey Day and Tommy]
Tommy: Thank you sober brothers.
Chris Redd: You saved our lives.
[Cut to Grieg and Darnell]
Grieg: No need to thank us.
Darnell: Yeah, man! Just tell us which can you’re going to throw the crack in.
Grieg: And always remember, [Cut to everybody] when it comes to doing drugs–
Everybody: Just say, “No!”
Darnell: Let me toss it away for you.