Larry David[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Donald Trump.[Donald Trump walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
Donald Trump: Thank you very much. It’s wonderful to be here. I will tell you, this is going to be something special. Many of the greats have hosted, as you know, this show. Like me, in 2004. A lot of people are saying, “Donald, you’re the most amazing guy. You’re brilliant, you’re handsome, you’re rich, you have everything going. The world is waiting for you to be president. So, why are you hosting Saturday Night Live? Why?” And the answer is, I have really nothing better to do. People think I’m controversial. But the truth is, I’m a nice guy. I don’t hold grudges against anybody, like, Rosie O’Donnell. She said some things about me that were hurtful and untrue. I said some things about her that were mean but completely accurate. The fact is when I showed up for rehearsal, Rosie was here to support me. Come on out, Rosie.[Aidy Bryant walks in]
Aidy Bryant: Sir, as I have told you several times, my name is Aidy Bryant and I’m a cast member on this show.
Donald Trump: Oh, boy. Isn’t she great?[Aidy Bryant leaves]
She just seems like a really totally different person. Part of the reason I am here is that I know how to take a joke. They’ve done so much to ridicule me over the years, this show has been a disaster for me. Look at this guy.[Taran Killam walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him]
Taran Killam: Great, great, great, great. Isn’t he doing fantastic? I gotta say that you’re doing a great job. In fact I think this show just got better by 2 billion percent. In fact, they just told me, other Donald, they just told me this very interesting. That now that I am here, this is actually the best monologue in SNL history. Can you believe that? Pretty great.
Donald Trump: Yeah. That’s pretty good. That’s pretty good. A-ya-ya. Look at this.[Darrell Hammond walks in dressed the same as Donald Trump walks in mimicking him] [cheers and applause]
Darrell Hammond: You think you’re this terrific person. You think you’re this, you think you’re that. Pop-pop-pop-pop. You’ve been very naive and quiet frankly, you’re fired!
Donald Trump: No. They’re great. They don’t have my talent, my money or specially my good looks. But you know what? They’re not bad. And we’re going to have a lot of fun tonight.
Male voice: You’re racist!
Donald Trump: Who the hell is– Oh, yeah. I knew this was gonna happen. Who is that?[Cut to Larry David dressed like Bernie Sanders at the back stage]
Larry David: Trump’s a racist.[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]
Donald Trump: It’s Larry David. What are you doing Larry?[Cut to Larry David]
Larry David: I heard if I yelled that they’ll give me $5,000. I have to do it.[Cut to Donald Trump, Taran Killam and Darrell Hammond]
Donald Trump: As a business man, I can fully respect that. That’s okay. We have got a great show tonight. Sia is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.