Prince Andaman… Mikey Day
King… Kenan Thompson
Lucilia… Ego Nwodim
Regalia… Selena Gomez
Blondelia… Kate McKinnon[Starts with a story book opening]
Male voice: Once upon a time, a Prince journey to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess or his bride.[Cut to the prince visiting the king]
King: Oh, Prince Andaman. Welcome to our big cold castle in Europe.
Prince Andaman: It is an honor Your Highness.
King: Good job killing out dragon. No one asked you to, but thank you. You may now meet my daughters three and choose one to be your bride.
Prince Andaman: Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird.
King: Bring out my daughter’s please.[Three daughters walk in]
Prince Andaman: Hmm. Fair maidens. So cool to see.
King: Meet my first daughter, Lucilia.
Lucilia: It is an honor to stand before you, fair prince.
Prince Andaman: Wow. Okay, I love that.
King: My second daughter, Regalia.
Regalia: I know not what to say and yet I feel not frightened, prince.
Prince Andaman: Good, good. Make sense?
King: And my third daughter Blondelia.
Prince Andaman: Okay, is that it?
Blondelia: Nice to meet you.
Prince Andaman: Right. Okay. Sure.
King: Is everything all right?
Prince Andaman: Yeah, I guess I just thought there’d be something messed up about her because there’s three of them and the third one is her.
King: I take great offense.
Prince Andaman: No, I’m sorry. It’s just usually like, one’s pretty, one smart and one has something like really wrong with them.
King: But you’ve only just met. Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.
Lucilia: I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the harpsichord.
Regalia: I love dancing and dancing around.
Blondelia: And me, I like harpsichord and I guess also dancing.
Prince Andaman: Okay. Is that why she’s weird? Because she copied her thing?
King: What are you on about?
Prince Andaman: I mean, it’s gotta be Blondelia, but I just can’t figure out why.
Blondelia: I like painting as well. Or archery. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what you want me to say.
King: Oh, I know. Tell him your favorite foods.
Lucilia: Little cakes.
Prince Andaman: All right. What, is she like obsessed with muffins?
Blondelia: I feel like people like muffins.
Prince Andaman: Okay, now I’m kind of getting pissed off.
King: Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters?
Prince Andaman: Okay, um, do a little dance as normal as you can.[music playing. All the princesses dance lightly and nicely.]
Prince Andaman: All right. All regular hot dancing. Does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? What are your laughs?[Regalia laughs weirdly]
Prince Andaman: Okay, is it her? Because that was awful.[Lucilia laughs like a hunk man] [Blondelia laughs unnaturally]
Prince Andaman: Those were all bad.
King: Prince Andaman, you have to hurry. You must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight.
Prince Andaman: Ooh. Ooh, what happens at midnight?
King: It’s just too late.
Prince Andaman: I give up. All right? Maybe I’ll just leave and go kill a different dragon.[The princesses start crying]
Prince Andaman: Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. I’ve been so rude. Just based on the princesses I’ve met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something.
Lucilia: Father, he’s right. Sometimes, one of the girls is weird. On purpose. She’ll make a joke out of herself before anyone who can judge her.
Regalia: Maybe it’s because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princes like you, Dragon Dork.
Blondelia: Maybe it’s a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don’t know. I’m just guessing, I’m very normal.
Prince Andaman: I see. I’m sorry. I was judgmental. The truth is I’m drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch.
King: But isn’t that love, young man?
Prince Andaman: I guess you’re right. All right. I choose number three, Blondelia.
King: Prince Andaman and Blondelia, blessings upon you.
Prince Andaman: I love you Blondelia, and you shall be my wife.
Blondelia: And I love you. Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters. Goodbye.
Sisters: Goodbye.[While they walk out, Blondelia’s butt cheeks are showing out of her dress.]
Male voice: There we go. Good old number three gets them everytime.