SoulCycle

Ego Nwodim

Mark… Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Flint… Bowen Yang

Deacon… David Harbour

Trix… Heidi Gardner

Kyle… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video clip of SoulCycle outlet]

Ego Nwodim: Well, this is SoulCycle. You’ll love it.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

I go every lunch break.

Mark: Oh, so that’s where you run off to?

Ego Nwodim: Oh, pass.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Hey, guys, we are so psyched you’re here for this very special class. It’s SoulCycle instructor additions. Today you’ll be riding with multiple cyclists who are in the final stages of joining the SoulCycle family. Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: They’re auditions instructors?

Ego Nwodim: Yeah. That’s why the class was free.

Mark: Who did I give $80 to?

Flint: What’s up, what’s up, SoulCycle White Harlem? My name is Flint, like the water. Let’s get those leg muscles going while I tell you what I’m about. I live life with no regrets. Abraham Lincoln died. It didn’t have to happen. Poor guy. If I’d been there I would have stopped it, but I wasn’t. Will you be? Let’s ride!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Is he suggesting we’ll save Lincoln somehow?

Ego Nwodim: The instructors only say things to try and inspire you. You’re supposed to move your legs, Mark.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Deacon]

Deacon: Dope, dope, dope, SoulCycle. My name is Deacon. And just a warning, I have an addiction to pushing myself and cocaine. Because I don’t believe in giving up. Check it. I was this close to playing a dead guy in the J. Lo in the movie ‘Hustler’ but I didn’t get it because they didn’t call me in for an audition, but when J. go Lo, I go high! Let’s ride.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Wow. Using Michelle Obama like that. What do you think?

Ego Nwodim: Mark, you’re sweating but you’re not moving. Pedal!

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: Hey, SoulCyclers. My name is Trix. Here’s my story. In highs school, I was bullied for being too tall, too thin, too pretty. They called me model girl, or, “Hey, model.” But I wasn’t a model. Yet. And how do you think that made me feel?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Good?

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: We’re here to lift each other up. So turn to your neighbor and complement one part of their body. Be specific.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: Toned back.

Ego Nwodim: I am not doing that.

[Cut to Trix]

Trix: And look at me now. My boyfriend is one of the Josh’s from “Million Dollar Listing.” Let’s ride!

[Cut to Deacon, Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Deacon: I am going to put a candle in front of the person I think is doing the worse.

Mark: Me?

Deacon: You have sad eyes, ma’am.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Damn, they call me Kyle but I’m a girl we’re going to do a little core. Okay, three, two, one and funk the bike, funk the bike, funk the bike.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Mark]

Mark: I don’t want to be rude, but I can tell you you’re bad at sex.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, that’s nor rude.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I didn’t always push myself like this you guys. I got kicked out of scientology because I was too lazy. Never again. Let’s ride.

[Clint walks in]

Flint: May I have this dance? This moment is so much more than us and our beautiful bodies. This morning I googled racism, and guess what? It bummed me out. And then I googled gay racism and that was even worse. You know what I did? I flushed my computer down the toilet, because I don’t need that negativity in my life! Let’s ride!

[Deacon walks in]

Deacon: Mind if I shine? Look, this was been my dream ever since acting was who hard. I put my life on hold last week when I lost my leg because a lumberjack thought it was a tree trunk but after believing hard enough, my leg grew back! Gandhi once said, two roads to versions of wood, I’ll take both. Let’s ride.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily Strong: Hi. Congratulations. You’re all-stars and you’re officially SoulCycle instructors!

Deacon: Whew.

Cecily Strong: No, no, no. Except for you. Your backpack was full of cocaine.

Deacon: Wow. You went through my bag?

Cecily Strong: Well, I guess we’re bot fired.

[Cheers and applause]

Sauce

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Nana… David Harbour

Marco… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three grandchildren visiting their grandparents]

Melissa: Nana, papa, we’re here.

Kyle: Where are they?

Cecily: Oh, my god. Nana’s sauce smells so good.

[Cut to Nana and Marco entering the room]

Nana: Oh! Amore! Grandchildren. I never see you. You always in school. I’m so happy you’re here! [Nana hugs her grandchildren] Oh! Come in. Give your grandma a hug. I’m making sauce for you, ah? [Nana looks at Marco] Hey! Marco! What are you doing at the sauce spot? Stay away from my sauce.

[Cut to Marco looking at the sauce]

Marco: I just think it needs to be a little more thick. You know? You don’t want a runny sauce. It’ll run all over the noodles. The noodles go in the sauce.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: What do you put in there?

Marco: I put parmesan.

Nana: [Looking at her grandchildren] You see what I put up with? Huh?

[Cut to Marco]

Marco: She put up with that because she like the way I make love to her. Short and slow.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Kyle: Hey grandpa, good to see ya.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.] Nana: Oh, he joking but all the dirty stuff. Huh?

Marco: I’m not. I’m not. I can’t resist this woman. Her kiss is like a fine wine. The older she gets the better they taste.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Cecily: Yeah. We get it, that’s sweet to know.

Kyle: Is it? Yeah, it is.

Melissa: Anyway, you guys, the sauce smells great.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: Oh, thank you. I’ve been working on it all day.

Marco: It smell a little thin to me.

Nana: Marco! Get away from the sauce. Get your body away from the sauce!

Marco: Get my what away from the sauce?

Nana: I think you heard me. Your body.

[Cut to Marco]

Marco: Oh, you’re thinking about my body? Is that what you say? Then get ready for it because it’s crazy for you right now.

Nana: Oh, get off me, old man. The grandchildren, no! They’re going to see we all sex 24/7.

[Cut to grandchildren]

Cecily: No, we don’t think that. We don’t want to think that.

Kyle: Yeah. The sauce is maybe almost ready.

Melissa: Smells like it could almost be ready.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: Oh! You’re right. You’re right. You can tell when the sauce is ready by the smell in the air. Isn’t that right, Marco?

Marco: I think it could have been more thick. It look like a juice. That’s not sauce. That’s like a Hawaiian punch.

Nana: Oh! That’s my sauce you talk about. I have to smack you up side of back of the head. Don’t talk about my sauce.

Marco: You know what? Sometimes when you get angry at me, it makes my thing work again.

Nana: Oh, you like when I get angry ah, do you? That’s what Marco wants? What? You want me spank you? Yeah! You want me degrade you in front of the grandchildren?

Marco: You tell me. I wanted you to be in charge.

Nana: Oh!

[Cut to grandchildren]

Kyle: If the sauce isn’t ready, we can just go out. Us three, just go to get Italian out somewhere.

Melissa: Yeah. We could step out. Unless this is part of it for you which I would not like.

Cecily: Yeah. We could go out and eat. So we can come back and have a different time. Something unlike we’re having now.

[Cut to Marco and Nana.]

Nana: No. There’s so much sauce. It will go to waste. Marco, Marco, you upset the grandchildren with that spice around me.

Marco: Can you believe it? I date this woman for 54 years, she’s still turning me on like I’m a young boy. I’m ready to sew my seed and – get soiled, you know?

Nana: Hey Marco, just check the sauce.

Marco: Okay, I still think the sauce is too thin. Taste it. You’ll see. Right in the your mouth. Open your mouth. Come on. It’s not ready, my love.

Nana: Ah—oh, ah!

Marco: Give me a taste of that sauce.

Nana: Ah! We got to think about the kids! Oh, no!

Marco: I want you so bad.

Nana: Oh, Marco! Marco! Oh, no!

Marco: No. let’s get on the table.

Nana: Wow! Come on.

[Grandchildren run away]

Oh. Oh—Oh!

Marco: Okay. It doesn’t work anymore. I’m sorry.

[Cheers and applause]