David Harbour Monologue

David Harbour

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson


Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [The band is playing music on stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – David Harbour.

[David Harbour walks in the door and to the stage]

David Harbour: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very, very much. I am David Harbour. I play Chief Hopper on the show “Stranger Things.” Most people don’t actually know this but I put on 20 Pounds for that role. Nobody asked me to do that, but I did that. It’s great. I get to act with a bunch of amazing kids who are all going through puberty at exactly the same time. So, set is a blast. But, look, as much as I love the show, I can do a lot more. I’ve done Shakespeare in the park. I’ve been in “The Merchant of Venice” on broadway. I have played “Hellboy”. Oh. That’s surprising. They wanted me to do a “Stranger Things” monologue tonight and I was like, “No! I want to do one of those walk around the studio ones.” You know? Crack jokes with people. You know? Be fun! Right?

[Cheers and applause]

Come on! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[David Harbout starts walking around the audience]

So right here is where the attractive people sit. Oh, congratulations. Oh, hey, look, everybody. It’s Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Kate McKinnon: David, something’s wrong here.

David Harbour: What? Kate, what’s wrong?

Kate McKinnon: I don’t know. Look, it just appeared.

[Kate shows David a hole through the wall]

I think it’s a gate to the upside down, man.

David Harbour: Oh, just like in my show. Look, whoever’s behind these doors might need my help, okay? I’m going in.

Kate McKinnon: Be careful.

[Cut to David Harbour walking in a smoky place] [David is coughing]

David Harbour: Hello? Is anyone there? Oh, my god. Barb.

[Aidy Bryant is stuck on the wall]

Aidy Bryant: No, nope. David, it’s Aidy. We’ve been working together all week.

David Harbour: Oh, right. Are you okay?

Aidy Bryant: I mean, I’m really not.

David Harbour: Okay, I’ll go for help. I won’t forget about you, Barb.

[David Harbour walks forward]


[David meets Beck]

Hey, how do I get to the ‘SNL’ stage?

Beck Bennett: Well, there are lots of ways David. For me, I got my start in high school theater. I started making comedy video and them in the internet with my friends.

[A creature jumps on Beck and pulls him away]

David Harbour: Oh! Thank god. He told me that story, like, five times this week already. Wait. No. No, it can’t be. Pete Davidson?

[David Harbour meets Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what up?

David Harbour: Is this where you’ve been? In the up-side-down?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, dude. It’s lit, right?

David Harbour: No, it’s not. Why don’t you come back with me. Can you do the show tonight.

Pete Davidson: Uh, maybe. Hey, didn’t you die in here at the end of the show? Are you dead?

David Harbour: No. I’m not exactly authorized—Just watch the show. You’ll find out next season.

[David Harbour walks forward]

Hey, can you help me? Can you help me?

Lorne: One second. Boss, your food is here. It’s at the page desk.

David Harbour: Lorne, what are you doing? You’re a page?

Lorne: Everybody’s got to start somewhere.

David Harbour: But, then who’s running the show.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Uh-huh. Well, finally. Took me long enough to get my dinner.

David Harbour: Kenan, you’re running the show from here?

Kenan Thompson: Well, yeah. I mean I basically running the show from out there, too. Now, I believe you got a monologue to do, man. Go on, shoot!

David Harbour: All right, thanks, boss.

[David Harbour walks out]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Let’s see what we got here, and it better not be cheese on this. And there’s cheese on it. Use your hand, Lorne.

Lorne: I can go back. Wow. He knows my name.

[Cut to David Harbour on SNL monologue stage]

David Harbour: Wow. So glad I’m back. Wow! Here in the right side up, we have a great show, Camila Cabello is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.