Big Papi Cooking Show

David “Big Papi” Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “Big Dominican Lunch” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi [foreign language] [Cut to Kenan in his home kitchen]

David Ortiz: Bienvenido. Yo, soy former baseball slugger, David Ortiz. And if you’re like me, you want a big Dominican lunch. Now, you might be saying to yoursekf, “Big paip, how’d you going to make a big Dominican lunch when it’s quarantine? And you can’t get things like mofongo, habichuela con bistek, camarones con pimientas frita and you can barely find any wasakaka con quesco frito.” That’s why you gotta learn to improvise, man.

So, today we’re making a very simple dish with just a few things I found lying around the house.  It’s called sancocho conpollo jahom carne molida cochinillo pierna de cordero langosta espinosa manos de mono lengua de ballena. You know, the stuff in everybody’s pantry. And speaking of pantries, I should mention today’s sponsor, Esploded can of beans. “Esploded can of beans. You got a can of beans that you found on the floor and not it’s exploded? That might be a bad sign, bro. You might want to throw that away before those beans explode inside of you.”

And have you been washing your hands like, a thousand times a day? Well then you’re in Pure hell. [a copy of Purell] “Pure hell, why is my skin just like a bunch of dust?”

Okay, time to make our seven meat sancocho, the dish that Peta calls “a genocide.” I got a professional overhead camera set up too so you can see exactly what I’m cooking. It’s just an iPhone duct taped to the ceiling.

[the iPhone falls into the cooking pot.]

Oh, dammit, man!

Okay, step one, you’re going to need a big ass pot. That’s why you need to call my Puerto Rican cousin ‘Big Bunny.’

[Cut to Big Bunny]

Big Bunny: Ola. I’m Big Bunny. I sell big ass pots. Do you need a pot that can hold 22 different animals, even big ones like llama and yak? Then call Big Bunny’s big ass pots.

And now, I am also selling sweatpants. Are you going to give a work presentation on Zoom but you’re worried your boss will see your penis? Try sweatpants. It’s better than nada.

Oh, Big Papi, you’re looking pretty fly these days. What is your secret?

David Ortiz: I got shot. Okay. Thank you so very much for coming on this show, cous. We’ll see you later. Give it up for Big Bunny, everybody. Okay. That was step one. Buy a big ass pot. Step two, cook everything in the pot. Ay, okay. That’s our show man.

Male voice: On the next episode…

David Ortiz: We’re going to make chicken pot pie. First, you eat a chicken. Then you smoke a little pot, and then you eat a whole pie. On “Big Dominican Lunch” with Big Papi.

Weekend Update David Ortiz on New England Patriots

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow, the New England Patriots will attempt to win their fifth Super Bowl title. Here to talk about it is the biggest New England fan we know, Boston Red Sox Slugger, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yo! Yay! Yay! Yay! Whooo! Hey, como estas, Yost! Oh, are you ready for the super bowl?

Colin Jost: I am, I’m excited. I might have some people over if you want to–

David Ortiz: No.

Colin Jost: So, Big Papi, [Michael Che laughing]

David Ortiz: Yes?

Colin Jost: Do you have any kind of Super Bowl traditions you do?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah. This gonna shock you, man. But actually, I do a pretty big lunch. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you do a big lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah, big lunch for Big Papi. Yeah, we’re going to have mofongo, arroz con fideos, langosta con mantiquilla de chicharron, y cocoa de yogurt, and you konw, Yon Madden?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yon? John Madden?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. Yon Madden, man. You know, he always make a turducken, man. [Cut to David Ortiz] That’s a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken. I’m gonna make a mofunguin. That’s a mofongo inside a chicken inside a penguin. yeah. It’s a big mofongo too, so you’re gonna need a big-ass penguin.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where are you getting a penguin?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: From the zoo, bro. You know what they say, happy feet, happy in stomach.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, they don’t.

David Ortiz: Yeah, eating penguin.

Colin Jost: No one says that. Now, you’re retired from baseball, obviously. I’ve noticed you’re doing a lot more ads on TV.

David Ortiz: Oh yeah, I got a hungry mouth to feed, man. [pointing his own mouth] This one. Yeah, that’s why I do product plugs.

Colin Jost: Product plugs? You plug products on TV?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I tell you which products have plugs. [Cut to David Ortiz.] Lamps, that’s-a got a plug. Toaster, that’s-a got a plug too. Hamster wheel, that don’t need a plug. It’s-a got a hamster. [Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost] You see, it’s very educational.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I learned a lot.

David Ortiz: I also do ads for little scissors.

Colin Jost: Little Caesar’s, pizza?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. Little scissors. [Cut to David Ortiz] Do you want to give a haircut to a little baby? Or cut the toenail of a Prima Donna Iguana? Reach for little scissors. But don’t give it to a monkey, he might cut your peepee.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow.

David Ortiz: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks. I can visualize it. Thank you. So, do you have any adds running in the Super Bowl?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got one for a new sponsor, a product for everybody.

Colin Jost: Everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah. [Cut to David Ortiz] Are you really self-conscious about your body? And are you a manatee? Well, why not wear a Mana-T? A t-shirt a fat manatee can wear when he goes swimming but it no help with the boat propeller. No, no, no. Hey, do you know how the manatee got so fat?

Colin Jost: How did manatee got fat? No. How?

David Ortiz: From eating wasa cocoa con questo frito. It’s no good for manatees.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s not good for humans either.

David Ortiz: Yeah, not good for anybody.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, do you have any Super Bowl predictions?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, I predict I’m going to really enjoy Lady Haha. [Cut to David Ortiz] and I tell you this, I never bet against the Falcons. Not after Falcons tore my cousin to pieces. So? If I had to predict the final score, I’d say Falcons- 1cousin, Patriots- 100 mofongos.

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost– Not yet. Oops, sorry. I started ending it.

David Ortiz: Oh, I just leave now. Okay. Bye bye.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Big Papi, everyone. Sorry. I thought we were—

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] You just saved my job. [Colin Jost laughing]

Weekend Update David Ortiz on Yankee Stadium

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week, Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yay! Yay! Yay! Wow! Ke pasa contigo el, Jost.

Colin Jost: Hey, you know, mas o menos yuste?

David Ortiz: Shut up. Man, we already gotta deal with the team cane, man!

Colin Jost: That’s fair. Now Big Poppy, what do you think you’ll miss most about playing at Yankee stadium?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: You know, out of all the things if I had to pick one thing, I’ll probably say lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’ll miss lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right, man. Big Stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium Jost?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita, sobade es spaghetti, e hochadogo hamo. It’s like a sweet milky ham drink.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: My god.

David Ortiz: Yeah, man.

Colin Jost: It’s delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.

David Ortiz: Oh, that’s right man. Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box. I open it up, big lunch. [Cut to David Ortiz] Inside there was mofongo, ado comfeti tale, chi cha londe beef steak, ewasa kaka cokeso frito, and then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. And do you know what you’re going to do at the end of the season?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah bro. I endorsements.

Colin Jost: What? Like, you do endorsements?

David Ortiz: No, no, no, no. I endorse mints. [Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a big ‘Mints’ written at the bottom.] Mints. You want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes? Reach for mints. It’s like brushing your teeth but with sugar. 5 out of 5 dentists say, “Oh-oh!” With Mints. Yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s just like a general ad for mints?

David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But I do specific brands too.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Okay.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah. Did you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for Hepsi. [logo of Hepsi appears at the bottom of the screen] It’s the only soda pop that’s also a liquid acidity. So when people ask, “You got Hep?”, yo can tell them ,”Si.” With Hepsi.  Yay! Yay!

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I got a new transportation app too, man.

Colin Jost: A transportation app?

David Ortiz: That’s right. It’s called Lift.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a logo of Lift at the bottom of the screen]

Do you need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man! Coz I’m not driving you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, that’s an app?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! But I know what you’re thinking. What if I can’t get direction? Yes? Yes?

Colin Jost: Um, no. I was not thinking that. No.

David Ortiz: Well, then you should try SeeAlice.

Colin Jost: SeeAlice?

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz.]

David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your back? Go see Alice.

[SeeAlice logo appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Yeah. It’s a girl Alice that I know, man. She’s very pretty. And if she can’t get you aroused, I think it’s broke, bro!

Colin Jost: Big Poppy, everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah, you better miss me, Yankees.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update David Ortiz Retirement

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week Boston Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz announced that he is retiring from baseball after next season. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

David Ortiz: Como estas.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Big Poppy. So you’re retiring from baseball?

David Ortiz: That’s right. [Cut to David Ortiz] And we celebrated with a big lunch. Yeah. Everybody have a lunch. We have mofongo, pica pollo, pescaito frito and batata fritas.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You had all that for lunch?

David Ortiz: That’s right. Big Dominican lunch with Big Poppy.

Colin Jost: And now what are you gonna do after you retire?

David Ortiz: Who, me?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

David Ortiz: Oh, no. I only retire from baseball, Jost. You know, I still sponsorship.

Colin Jost: Like, you do sponsorship?

David Ortiz: No. I sponsor ships. It’s like commercial I do.

[Cut to David Ortiz. A picture of a ship appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Ships. You want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet? How about a ship? It’s like a plane but bad. With ships.

[The picture disappears.]

Yeah! I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning. It’s Smidgeon of pigeon.

[A picture of Smidgeon of Pigeon appears at the bottom of the screen]

Smidgeon of Pigeon. You wanna taste a little pigeon? But you don’t wanna eat whole one? Then put a Smidgeon of Pigeon.

[The picture disappears.]

It’s basically oregano.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I did not realize if that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.

David Ortiz: Oh! Yeah, man! And you know what you can put it on?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: What?

David Ortiz: You can put it on mofongo, mondongo, langostas fritas, croquetas de bisque.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now that’s a big meal. Are you worried about eating this much after you stop playing sports?

David Ortiz: Oh no, Colin. Because I have the perfect yim (gym) to workout there, okay?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: Yim?

David Ortiz: Yeah, it’s so good yim. It’s called Iguananox.

[Picture of Iguananox logo appears at the bottom of the screen]

Do you not like working out at the yim, but you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there too? Check out Iguananox.

[The picture disappears]

Very few deaths.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I knew to stay and shave, Jost. Because I started a new dating website.

Colin Jost: Sorry, dating website?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. It’s called ‘go outside’.

[Cut to David Ortiz. There’s a picture of ‘go outside’ logo at the bottom of the screen.]

Do you wanna meet some people? Go outside!

[The picture disappears]

And look around man. Everywhere is people.

Colin Jost: It’s a grate point. It’s a great point.

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right. You can it out in wabble-you wabble-you wabble-you (he means www) gooutside.whynot.havesomefun.thisgoingtobegreat.mofongo

And please use a promo code: Wasakaka con queso frito.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: David Ortiz, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update: David Ortiz on Getting Shot – SNL

Colin Jost

David Ortiz … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week—this summer former Red Sox slugger David Ortiz got shot in the Dominican Republic but he recovered and he even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game. Here to comment big Papi himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in the screen]

David Ortiz: Yo! Feliz Septebre!

Colin Jost: It is so great to see you big Papi. How is your summer?

David Ortiz: It was bad. But you know what they say. [Cut to David Ortiz] Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you want to try to kill who tried to kill you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That must have been a horrible experience.

David Ortiz: Oh, you think bro? I had to go to the hospital in the Dominican Republic. You know what they have in the hospital there?

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: They got Mofongo. Chicharones. Beef Steaka Con Mas Beef Steak. And in the IV you know what they give you?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What, like a saline solution?

David Ortiz: Close. Concreto Frito.

Colin Jost: They have that at the hospital?

David Ortiz: At the Dominical hospital they do.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

That’s why I go to the Boston hospital next. You go what they got at the Boston hospital?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: hat?
David Ortiz: Medicine.

Colin Jost: Well, I hope you stay safe from now on.

David Ortiz: Me too. That’s why I’m more careful now. When I go out I wear a disguise. I get them all from the same place.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Hair BNB. You need a wig for the weekend, use Hair BNB. Every wig is made of 100% guinea pig hair. Very itchy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you’re still doing commercials?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, bro. [Cut to David Ortiz] I’m also trying to have a better diet now. Other so I’m eating the possible burger.

Colin Jost: You mean the impossible burger.

David Ortiz: No, possible burger. Did you buy a bunch of ground beef from the back of a pickup truck? It might not be real meat. But it’s possible.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m glad you’re staying positive about this.

David Ortiz: Oh, Mucho positive Jost. [Cut to David Ortiz] Have a new lease on life. I’ve even been exercising again.

Colin Jost: You’re exercising?

David Ortiz: I’m using the Pelocon.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You mean Peloton?

David Ortiz: No, Peloton is a bike. Pelicon is a Pelicon. Pelican. [Cut to David Ortiz] It’s just a big Pelican that attack you when you’re not expecting it. I already lost 15 pounds and three fingers. And you never see the Pelican coming, because he use Hair BNB.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Big Papi, I’m just really happy that you’re back and that you’re healthy enough to be shooting a commercial.

David Ortiz: Hey, who’s shooting?

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone.

David Ortiz: Merry Christmas, everybody. Yo, yo, Mofongo.