David Paul… Fred Armisen
Donny Grande… Kyle Mooney
Harriet Walls… Cecily Strong
[Starts with a classroom]
Aidy: Okay class, settle down now. Now, we’ve been learning a lot about western expansion. Well, guess what? Last night, I was at an Italian restaurant having a glass of wine and a lovely meatball salad. And the table right next to me had some actors from the Albany Educational Theatre Festival. And they were doing a new show about Lewis and Clark. How exciting is that?
[The students are not excited at all]
So, I asked them to come and perform for you and they said yes. Come on in, guys.
[Aidy opens the door. Three people walk in looking very excited]
David: Hey. Hey, everybody.
Donny: Hey, everyone. Great looking class.
Harriet: We are three of the actors from the show Lewis and Clark.
David: That’s right. I’m playing Lewis. My name is David Paul. I relate to Lewis on so many levels. Oh god, where do I start? We’re both athletic outdoorsmen. You know the type. If you saw me on long shorts and a tank top, you’d see exactly what I’m talking about. [pointing at Sasheer] Right, lady?
Sasheer: I don’t know what that means.
Donny: And we’ve heard a lot about Lewis. What the heck about Clark? Hi, I’m Donny Grande. I’ll be playing the role of trusty sidekick Clark. Soldier, explorer, politician and boo, slave owner.
Harriet: But remember guys, nobody knew it was bad back then. And hi. I’m Harriet Walls. But all of you probably know me by my non-equity stage name Diamond Karns. Now I’ll be playing Indian girl, Sake Juwiya. Just feel free to laugh, cry or simply enjoy by screaming out. You know? We don’t wanna tell you how to feel.
David: Just please don’t touch us.
Harriet: Okay? So then, everyone get ready to time travel back to 1803.
[Harriet plays the background music.]
[They act as if they’re walking]
David: Where are you taking us, Sake Joe?
Donny: We’ve been going now for it seems like days.
Harriet: We go up. More up. Mountain.
David: [screaming] Ah!
Donny: What’s wrong Lewis?
David: This is driving me mad.
Donny: I know. The cold is colder than any cold I’ve known before.
David: Not that. My manly urges. Isn’t she driving you crazy? I need sex.
Donny: With Sake Joe? I won’t lie. I guess I have thought about it.
David: Perhaps we should have three of us laying with each other.
Donny: As long as you make it clear that she is the one in the middle.
David: I was hoping I would be in the middle and she’d be on the right.
Donny: Where am I again?
Harriet: Stop. There is danger. I sense evil spirit. I must track them away with the dance of my ancestors.
[Harriet starts dancing. David and Donny are looking at her.]
Sasheer: Is this okay for us to watch?
Donny: Ah! I fear on my release!
David: No, save it. Stick to the plan.
Aidy: Okay, okay. I need to stop you right now. Okay. I need to stop you because this is breathtaking. I am very moved and I think I better go back over there before I start crying.
David: Don’t apologize. We love feedback.
Harriet: Okay guys, anyway, skip ahead. We make it to the continental divide all the way to the pacific coast. But what happened next? Let’s go back and see.
[Harriet plays the background music]
David: We made it. Now we can do that thing we were talking about.
Donny: Yes. Should I get down on the ground?
David: Yes. And I will lay on top of you so that Juwiya can lay off to our right.
Donny: Off? No, this is not what I wanted. Lewis, I told you how it has to go down for me to be okay with everything.
David: It’s gonna be the same thing. It feels exactly the same. She’ll be right nearby. Just, lay on this rock part.
[David lays Donny on the table]
Donny: No Lewis, stop. Get off me.
Jon: Is this part of the play or is it really happening?
Aidy: Okay, kid. Be quiet and have some damn respect for our guests.
David: Relax Clark, don’t fight this.
Harriet: Look my eyes while he lay one you.
Harriet: Pretend it me.
David: Listen to her. She has ancient wisdom.
Harriet: It’s true.
[school bell ringing]
Aidy: Okay class, I’m sorry, they were just about to do it. [the students walk outside] But we have to stop here. The kids have their lunch break. [Jordan is staying] Jordan, don’t you wanna eat?
Jordan: No, no. I’m finally engaged with learning.
David: Wow, we’re getting through to someone.
Harriet: Well, alright, let’s take it home fellas.
David: Okay. Take your pans off Clark
Donny: Fine! Just no kissing.
David: Of course not.
Harriet: I stay here.
Aidy: Jordan, are you crying as hard as I am?