Tag: Dawn Lazarus

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Third Winter Storm

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The eastern seaboard was slammed by two massive winter storms in seven days canceling thousands of flights and leaving millions without power. Now, third storm may be on the way. Here to explain is Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her Weather news set] [cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Thank you Mi-ka-kel. You got that right. We’re looking at not one, not two but two big biggies. Some are the biggest bids we’ve seen in quite a times. Absolutely dump after dump. Wow!

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I’m having trouble understanding what you’re saying.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, it’s simple. Windy winds are coming out of your north and your east, pushing it way down into that major cold cohooting. Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah what?

Dawn Lazarus: What?

Michael Che: You sounded like you had more to say.

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Is something wrong, Dawn? Only about half of what you’re saying makes sense.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: It’s live TV and its a bit nervous, okay? Cameras will make that mouth go poop.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. What can you tell us about why there’s been so many storms?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. What a wow it’s been out in that side. This year’s got temps in this simple dipits. Why? Global warming. We treat that earth like a big bitch. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Okay. So, it seems like storms are becoming more common. Do you have any tips for how to prepare or–?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Um. De- bet ya. First of, be sure to keep it safety. And hey, if you gotta go car on those icy roads, slowing it right down will be the bib pop of deal, nakay?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. Nakay. So, are you able to tell us whether there’s gonna be another storm?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus. She is facing backwards.]

Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus turns around]

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Is there another storm on the way?

Dawn Lazarus: Shoe don’t know.

Michael Che: Okay. Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

Dawn Lazarus: Thank it.

Michael Che: Thank it? For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Dawn Lazarus: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus on Memorial Day Weekend

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, memorial day weekend is approaching. Here with the look at the early summer weather is our own Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set] [cheers and applause]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, Michael, here comes that summer and ooh, it’s a fun one.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Oh, Dawn, your’e back already? You were just here and it really didn’t work out.

Dawn Lazarus: Hey, it’s the last show and I’m going to sneak that in.

Michael Che: Are you okay? It’s kind of hard to understand you.

Dawn Lazarus: Yeah. That camera-camera make it nervous and yeah?

Michael Che: Am, okay, Dawn, is it looking nice for memorial day weekend?

Dawn Lazarus: The better believe that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus] While it’s time to pack at that sunscreen and protect those skins because yeah, it’s hot and hot. So if it’s beach and park, stay hydrated and water that mouth.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Okay, so far it seems like you’re saying it will be sunny.

Dawn Lazarus: Yep.

Michael Che: Any other specifics like the entire country’s gonna be sunny or —

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, in the west coast that’s no surprise. Sun is always a wow. But hey, if it’s north are you, that’s looking a lot of bit in overcast. But hopefully, no god damn rain. And that’s the cast for you.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. I’m sorry. But I really didn’t catch any of that. [Cut to Dawn Lazarus’s set. She’s not there] Dawn? Dawn?

[Dawn Lazarus walks back]

Dawn Lazarus: Ep?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: So, I guess you’re done? You’re not going to sign off?

Dawn Lazarus: Oops, and that’s what happened in your neck of the what.

Michael Che: Alright. Dawn Lazarus, everybody! She is better. Much better.

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This year Weekend Update held a nation wide contest to find a new meteorologist. The winner really amazed us. So, making her live television debut is our own Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set] [cheers and applause]

Dawn! So, what’s the weather looking like?

Dawn Lazarus: And hello and thank you to you. Let’s have a look in at that weekend. Big sunny skies for you. Let’s pop it all the way next week and yeah, that’s a wow. Pressure’s gonna push it and it’ll come down 10 times.

[Cut to Michael Che looking disappointed]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sorry. What was that?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, I’ll tell ya’. Rain is on that way, but hey, can it hold on for a few more days? Can it? You bet it. The sunny skies will push it away and clouds– [clears throat] Excuse me. That sunny skies will push it away them clouds, starting from Thursday.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t get it, man. You were really good in the audition. But this is very different.

Dawn Lazarus: first time it’s on that cameras and it’s a big nervous one, okay?

Michael Che: Oh, okay. Yeah, I see. So, I think you were saying something about rain on the way? Is that right? Is that true?

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Can you– Can you say more about the rain?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yup. Precipitations is going to have it. And if I’m you, cancel that picnic and get out that umbrella. Whoo! In the map, we got it wet from here all the way in here. And, sky, sky, sky.

Michael Che: Alright, well, we gave that a shot.  Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 5 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House celebrated Cinco De Mayo on Friday by giving away hundreds of free trips to Mexico. [Picture changes to ICE deporting people] [Cut to Micahel Che. there’s a picture of baseball field at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Major league baseball condemned the unacceptable radical slurs yelled at Orioles outfielder Adam Jones during a game in Boston. Because the only pace for racism in baseball is on the hats. [picture changes to Chief Wahoo hat] In total, 34 people were removed from Fenway park. You know how comfortably racist a has to be for 34 strangers to look around and say, “I think I can yell the N word here”?

[Picture changes to Adam Jones and Curt Schilling]

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said he believed that Jones is lying. Come on, Curt, is that really hard to believe? Of course not everybody in Boston is racist. Not everybody in San Francisco is gay. But if Adam Jones said 34 dudes at a Giants’ game yelled “Yas, Queen”, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s actually pretty low for San Francisco.”

[Picture changes to a rifle and Oklahoma state]

Law makers in Oklahoma want to make it legal for gun owners to– Oh, I’m sorry. I think we are getting some breaking news.

[Cut to Weekend Update Break’n Hnews intro] [Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather new set]

Dawn Lazarus: God, boy. It’s a major big-big at tropical hurricane. We’re talking yikes and wind.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Dawn, you are back? Why are you back?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Let’s have at that, threeD threeD. Look at wind speeds gat a woosh? And it’s in danger.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Is it even hurricane season right now?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Ha!

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Did you make up a hurricane because you are nervous?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: You bet ya’. And that’s about that your neck in the woods.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though, because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania. [Michael Che laughing] [picture changes to Penn Station in New York]

A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters, an event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’