Weekend Update- Roe v. Wade Leaked Draft Opinion, Vladimir Putin to Undergo Cancer Surgery

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mother’s Day flowers at left top corner.]

Well, guys, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, whether you want it to be one or not.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Roe V. Wade to be overturned”]

In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked, which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once and now they’ve got to live with it forever. Hah! Sounds really unfair. The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito when he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s. So it’s an outdated opinion from an angry 70 year old. This shouldn’t be a Supreme Court decision, it should just be a Facebook post. The opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble. Here’s how you know, he quotes his own colleague, Brett Kavanaugh six times, one for each beer in the pack. He even cites Kavanaugh on civil rights, which is like citing Amber Heard on how to make a bed.

[picture changes to John Roberts]

Chief Justice John Roberts said that the leak was quote “The work of one bad apple.” One bad apple is also another legal argument used and Alito’s opinion. [picture changes to a painting of Adam holding an apple ad a snake attacking him] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Supreme Court has voted to overturn abortion rights, draft opinion shows” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, as a man, there’s no way I can understand the full impact of this issue. But I asked a bunch of women around the office, what their personal experience was with abortion. I gotta admit, I learned a lot from the HR meeting they made me go to as a result.

But I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people. I mean, most Americans don’t have access to the same resources that I do. I mean, the average person can’t just text Lorne in the middle of the night and say, “Yo, it happened again.” I just don’t get why Republicans are so against this. I mean, maybe don’t think of it as an abortion. Think of it as a Patriots storming the uterus to overturn the results of an unfair pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I know you’re excited. Former New York City mayor and current Rumpelstiltskin, Rudy Giuliani, canceled an appearance before the January 6 committee at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview. I assume on a loose VCR flashing 12 o’clock.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There are also unconfirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery. Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but hey, good luck cancer.

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will feature several exciting new balloons including star of the Mandalorian Grogu, aka, Baby Yoda. Here to comment is Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: Your boy is back. Wad up, New York city?

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: It’s great to see you again Baby Yoda. Now, you’re going to be a Parade balloon. You must be excited.

Baby Yoda: Well, I’m getting paid $2 million dollars to kick it with Pikachu, Ronald McDonald and the dude from Diary of a Wimpy Kid on live TV. High as hell. My life’s a movie, son!

Michael Che: It sounds like fun. So, you got any other fun Thanksgiving plans?

Baby Yoda: Hell yeah. Me and your squad are doing a little Friend’s giving thing over at Post Malone’s crib. It’s gonna be me, Millie Bobby Brown, The GEICO Gecko, new mega, and my boy Clifford the Big Red Dog. The crew.

Michael Che: Gosh. Well, and I noticed you have a new look.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. Oh, I guess it’s obvious. So, I’m a punk now. Yeah, like a really authentic, stick it to the man, Pop Punk. Yeah, I actually got a– I got a new album coming out.

Michael Che: Oh, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah, yeah. It’s called “Confessions of the diary of a loser”. It’s about being unpopular in high school because you’re a little green Jedi. And Che, I’m not gonna lie. The world ain’t ready for how good this music is. Woohoo!

Michael Che: It’s exciting. Can we hear a little?

Baby Yoda: Oh, he gotta twist my arm like that. Okay, yeah, I’ll drop one a capella. This song is called “10th grade is hard”.

[singing] Just another boring day in high school, Whoa
Why can I be on the TV? Yay Yeah
I guess I just stereotypical,
oh god oh god, yeah

Michael Che: I like it. Everybody likes it. What about the whole high school thing? How old are you again?

Baby Yoda: I’m in my 50s. But, yeah, you know your boy ain’t exactly y’all odd popular anymore. Yeah, turns out being on Disney plus has its own pluses.

Michael Che: That’s right. There’s been a lot of speculation about your dating life.

Baby Yoda: Yeah. That’s actually private. You know? I don’t really talk about that stuff. But uh, yeah, I’ll tell you everything. I’m dating mama bear from the Berenstein Bears. You know, we’re haveing fun. And bro, when she show up with that blue night gown and cap on, yeah. Let’s just say we go beren-stain them sheets.

Michael Che: Oh, come on, man. That is not appropriate.

Baby Yoda: Nah. It is though. Oh. I got a message for her ex. Baby Groot, it’s over. If you text my girl again, I will throw your twig ass in the chipper, turn you into some paper and then wipe my little green ass with you. Amen.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Mother’s Day Message Cold Open

[Starts with Miley Cyrus on SNL stage]

Miley Cyrus: Tomorrow is Mother’s day, and this is for all the moms out there.

[singing] It’s been a long dark night
And I’ve been waiting for the morning
It’s been a long hard fight
But I see a brand new day dawning

I’ve been looking for the sunshine
You know I ain’t seen it in so long
Everything’s gonna work out just fine
Everything’s gonna be all right
That’s been all wrong

Now, let’s get some moms out here.

[Cut to Kate McKinnon and her mother]

Kate: Thank you for coming, mama.

Kate’s Mom: So Kate, is there any chance you’re going to be doing Mary Katherine Gallagher?

Kate: Molly Shannon is not on the show anymore, but it seems like you’re doing Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Kate’s Mom: Let’s do it.

Kate: Okay.

[Both jumps with their both arms up]

Both: Mother’s Day!

[Cut to Aidy Bryant and her mother]

Aidy: Hi, mom.

Aidy’s Mom: Aidy, I missed you so much. But at least I could see on on your show.

Aidy: Oh, mom. Well, it’s not just my show.

Aidy’s Mom: I mean, “Shrill”, season three, out now on Hulu.

Aidy: Very good job, mom. I love you.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and his mother]

Kyle: I am so happy I get to be with you this mother’s day. I really missed you last year.

Kyle’s Mom: Now, you owe me two gifts.

Kyle: Cool. I kind of thought the trip here was the gift.

Kyle’s Mom: No!

[Cut back to Miley Cyrus]

Speaker 1: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Beck Bennett and his mother]

Beck: So good to see you, mom.

Beck’s Mom: I’m so proud of you, Beck.

Beck: Aw, mom.

Beck’s Mom: Okay. And your brothers too.

Beck: Okay. But can tonight be about me?

[Cut to Mikey Day and his mother]

Mikey: I missed you, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I can’t wait to give you a hug.

Mikey: Aw, mom.

Mikey’s Mom: I’m talking about Beck Bennett.

[Cut to Mikey Day and Beck Bennett both with their mothers]

Beck: Hi, Sylvia.

[Cut to Chris Redd and his mother]

Chris: Hey, mama.

Chris’s Mom: Good to see you, baby. I haven’t seen you since Thanksgiving and Christmas, and our big spring break vacation in Miami.

Chris: [laughing] Ha-ha, mama, shut up. You funny.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner with her mother]

Heidi: Thank you for being here, mom.

Heidi’s Mom: I wouldn’t miss it.

Heidi: And they didn’t write me a joke. I don’t know why.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson with his mother]

Kenan: This is my mom, the woman who taught me everything I know. Including how to do reaction shots. Isn’t that right, mom?

Kenan’s Mom: You know I did.

[Cut back to Mikey Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] It’s been a long long time
Since I’ve known the taste of freedom
Those clinging vines
That had me bound but I don’t need ’em

I’ve been like a captured eagle
You know an eagle’s born to fly
And now that I have won my freedom
Like an eagle I’m eager for the sky

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor with her mother]

Melissa: Hey, mom.

Melissa’s Mom: Hi, sweetie. I love your impressions. You can do anybody.

Melissa: [smiling] You can do anybody.

Melissa’s Mom: Who was that?

Melissa: You.

Melissa’s Mom: That one needs work.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman with her mother]

Chloe: I love you, mom. You’re my best friend.

Chloe’s Mom: Oh, awkward. You dad is my best friend.

Chloe: Wow. Okay. And we better go. Dad’s asking Elon Musk for financial advice.

[Cut to Bowen Yang with his mother]

Bowen: I’m so happy you’re here, mom.

Bowen’s Mom: Me too, Bowen.

[Bowen’s mom kisses Bowen’s cheek. Then she puts Pirell on his cheek and wipes it.]

Bowen: Mom, don’t Pirell my face.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim with her mother]

Ego: Mom, you’re a doctor. Is everything going to be alright?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Are you proud of me?

Ego’s Mom: Yes.

Ego: Would you be more proud of me if I were a doctor?

Ego’s Mom: Of course!

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] Cause I can see the light of a clear blue morning
I can see the light of a brand new day

[Cut to Lauren Holt and Punkie Johnson with their mothers. They all have wine glasses in their hands.]

Lauren: Thank you to our amazing moms.

Punkie: Yeah, ma, I wouldn’t be here without you. Let’s cheers.

[Their moms drink the whole glass of wine at once]

Damn, ma!

Lauren: My god!

Punkie’s Mom: What? It’s been a long year.

Lauren’s Mom: I’ll drink to that.

[Cut to Pete Davidson with his mother]

Pete: Hey, mom.

Pete’s Mom: Sorry, I almost didn’t make it, Petey. I was up till six playing Madame with Chalamet.

Pete: Mom, you have to be more responsible. You had me worried sick.

[Cut to Colin Jost with his mother. His mother is holding cards.]

Colin: Hey, mom, what’s on this index cards?

Colin’s Mom: Michael Che gave them to me. He is so nice. He said to read them for the first time on live TV.

Colin: Yeah, you shouldn’t do that, mom. It’s a trap. You’re going to get our whole family canceled.

[Cut to Cecily Strong with her mother]

Cecily: Hi, mom. I’m so happy you’re here.

Cecily’s Mom: I know. It’s been over a year. [silence] Honey, say the punch line.

Cecily: I can’t. I’m too happy.

[Heidi walks in with her mother]

Heidi: Okay, if you’re not going to say the joke, can I have it?

[Cut to Miley Cyrus]

Miley Cyrus: [singing] I’m gonna be alright
everything’s gonna be alright

everything’s gonna be alright

it’s gonna be okay

[everyone joins Miley Cyrus with their moms]

Happy Mother’s Day to my godmother, Dolly Parton and to my mom too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- National Puppy Day and Black Muppets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]

Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.

[picture changes to a realdoll]

The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Valentines Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This last Sunday was the first and hopefully only Valentines day of the pandemic. With more on this is relationship expert, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to see you, Pete. So, how was Valentine’s day?

Pete Davidson: Well, I’m sure not as good as your’s. Yeah, you’re the man. In some ways, I like the pandemic valentines because it’s the first time being alone wasn’t my fault. I spent the night eating chocolates and watching a movie with my mom. Which is why, I’m officially moving out of the house. I am. Yeah. One of us has to go. So, we were watching that Britney Spears documentary. But I had it turned it off when I realized my mom has way more of a case to take over my finances than Brithey’s dad ever did. I was like, “Wait, she could do that and she hasn’t? Doesn’t she love me?” All Britney did was shave her head. I got a life sized tattoo of the tutsy pop owl.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I heard you were moving some of your tattoos.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I saw a picture of myself without a shirt and I look like a toddler went to prison. Like, I look like I’m carrying a shiv, but only to poke open a capri sun.

Colin Jost: Alright. And so, you’re definitely moving out?

Pete Davidson: Yes, I have to. I have to. The thing is my mom is a lot like this show. Like, no matter what I do, I’m never asked to leave. Right? Also, they’re both really old and noticeably fatigued.

Colin Jost: I gotta ask, where are you going to move to?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m staying in Staten Island. I can’t afford Kennebunkport or Blabagansett or Pepperidge Farm, wherever you live now.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I live, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, wherever you live, I’m sure it has more boats than people.

Colin Jost: Come on, man. I grew up in Staten Island just like you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, well your grammar and lack of police record say otherwise.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you’re not gonna move anywhere expensive?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, that’s the problem. You see? Me and my mom bought that house together. So, for me to afford somewhere new, I’m gonna have to either like, fight Jake Paul or like, steal another one of Laurn’s paintings.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I remember when you stole the Rothko. But you’re kidding about the fighting, right?

Pete Davidson: Well, I mean, I could never fight Jake Paul because after it was over there would be no way of telling if either one of us got brain damage.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Watch Kenan on Tuesdays!

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Tina Fey on Mother’s Day

Michael Che

Tina Fey

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: And here with a message for mothers this Mother’s Day is our old friend, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hello. Thank you, Che. I hope this email finds you well.

Michael Che: Well, How have you ben holding up during this quarantine?

Tina Fey: Michael, I can only say, so far, so good. Like, so many of us, I’m trying to focus on the positive. This is a historic time. An opportunity to be still and focus on what really matters in life. For example, I’m getting to spend so much more time with my passwords. Apple ID, Hulu, Nintendo, Slack, Zoom, Google Hangouts, Spectrum Cable, Amazon, that other stupid Amazon app for watching things. All my passwords are a little bit different and beautiful in their own way. And I see that now. Also, my kids are here.

Michael Che: Oh.

Tina Fey: And yes, it’s stressful to be in New York sometimes. I miss going to the grocery store. But there are so many great hacks you get off the internet. For example, did you know that if you’re baking cookies and you don’t have any flour, you can just go to bed. Yeah, you can all just shut your mouths and go to bed. I’m focusing on the many beautiful lessons I’ve learned. Do you know that the phrase- ‘viney bitretum savitas ponum’ means in Latin?

Michael Che: Nope.

Tina Fey: It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know Latin, Che. but now I’m in charge of teaching it to my kids. I’ve been making up gibberish and saying that’s Latin. I’m sorry, school.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Tina Fey: And it’s okay to try to find little moments of levity and joy. When the news is too much and I need to laugh, I like to think about three months ago when everyone was so worried about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my god. You’re free, guys. No one cares who pays for your Vancouver security detail anymore. I can’t even remember what they look like. I think they both have eyes. Anyway, Che, I wanted to offer a special prayer for mothers everywhere this Mother’s Day. This mother’s day give us the grace to accept the things that cannot be changed. Like, the sheets. I can’t do it anymore, Che. I’ve changed them eight times already. Shouldn’t they just be clean forever now? Give us the courage to change the things we can. Like, our Zoom background, from a tropical beach to a picture of Governor Cuomo holding you like a baby. You can hit his nipple ring like a rattle. To a picture of my foot, two months ago when it still looked human. Mothers, may you take this journey one day at a time. This pandemic is far from over and there will be many emotional ups and downs. Ride those waves, mothers. Ride them like, a day drunk boomer at currently open Georgia Water Park. #ad #CatchTheFun. May we be kind to ourselves. Remember, the only way out of a feeling is through it. Don’t be afraid to be emotional in front of your kids. These are crying times. Let them see you open mouth chew cold spaghetti while you scream words like “moron.” and “dunning kruger syndrome, look it up. He definitely has it,” at the news program of your choice. And if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself. Repeat after me, Che. I am a good mother.

Michael Che: I am a good mother.

Tina Fey: My children know they’re loved.

Michael Che: My children have hopefully all been prevented.

Tina Fey: It’s not a blue state bailout, you turkey face.

Michael Che: It is not a blue state bailout, you all white meat turkey!

Tina Fey: In this moment, I am okay.

Michael Che: In this moment, I am okay.

Tina Fey: I smell fine.

Michael Che: When you say it like that, it makes me feel like you don’t, so…

Tina Fey: Lastly, lord, and most importantly– I couldn’t write this last part because I can’t focus anymore, Che.

Michael Che: Tina Fey everybody.

Tina Fey: Thank you, nurses. Thank you, doctors. Thank you, doormen.

What’s Wrong with This Picture- Mother’s Day Edition

Eliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

Grace… Ego Nwodim

Emily… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s wrong with this picture” intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “What’s wrong with this picture?”

[Cut to Eliott Pants at his home]

Eliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I’m your host Eliott Pants and welcome to a very special episode of “What’s wrong with this picture?” That’s right. It’s the Mother’s Day show.

[Three women appear on the screen from the homes.]

All of our contestants today are moms because being a mom is the most important hobby in the world. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Junx. “Junx. Shapewear for your lowboys.” Wow. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Yeah. I left my kind in the other room. So, we’re gonna make it quick. He’s 12 but he’s bad kind of 12.

Eliott Pants: Grace?

Grace: Ready as I’ll ever be, you fool.

Eliott Pants: I’m sorry. Do we know each other? And our last mother is Emily.

Emily: I’m actually not a mother. I’m a grandmother.

Eliott Pants: Well, now, how does that work? These women are making me a little bit nervous. So, let’s take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a picture of a woman, two kids and a carton of eggs.] Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Grace: I think I know.

Eliott Pants: Oh, go ahead, Grace.

Grace: First of all, she’s too old for bangs. And eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: Really?

Grace: Plus the husband’s too short. They should stack to one big guy.

Eliott Pants: What? No!

Emily: Oh, the shirt comes with boobies. Tell me where they sell those.

Eliott Pants: Come on. Something in the picture is not right.

Rebecca: Yeah. Everyone in the photo is white. That just doesn’t fly these days. One of them needs to be weird.

Eliott Pants: Weird? Okay. Also, it’s not a photo. You know that, right?

Rebecca: Do I?

Eliott Pants: I’ll give you a hint. It has something to do with eggs.

Emily: Oh. Eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: We covered that.

Grace: Oh, she laid em. She was surprised but now she’s proud.

Eliott Pants: Oh my god! There are 14 eggs in the carton. Okay? There’s only supposed to be 12 in a dozen.

Emily: Oh. Like my jury.

Eliott Pants: Well, that’s tracks. Alright, here’s your next picture. [There’s a picture of a woman looking at a mirror.] Rebecca.

Rebecca: The glory hole is too high. Now, she knows it’s the neighbor.

Eliott Pants: Where did we get these moms?

Grace: Oh, she’s never seen herself, you know what I mean? Seeing herself. She’s about to take the mirror off the wall and stand over it. Then she’ll know what’s what.

Eliott Pants: You are upsetting me.

Emily: She tied the news too big and now she’s got to start over.

Eliott Pants: The reflection is wearing a necklace. Can you just think? Alright, let’s see the next. [There’s a picture of a man and a woman sitting on tanning chairs by the side of a swimming pool.] Think, then speak. That order.

Grace: Oh, the man just proposed but he used the Apu voice, you know, from the Simpsons.

Eliott Pants: Okay, you are done. You hear me?

Emily: That beach will be gone in five years because of global warming and it’s my fault. I don’t recycle my cans. I just throw them in the street.

Eliott Pants: That is a swimming pool.

Rebecca: I don’t want to be personal, but he’s got one of the smallest ones I’ve ever seen. I mean that thing’s just a little dot.

Eliott Pants: That’s the belly button.

Rebecca: Don’t get offensive.

Grace: Well, I know that it’s not that the pool is frozen.

Eliott Pants: No. [right answer bell] Wait a second. That’s right. You actually got it right.

Grace: And they’re not social distancing coz they know their rights.

Eliott Pants: And they let you all have kids. I am logging off now and I am Lizoling this computer. This has been “What’s wrong with this picture.” I am Eliott Pants. Good bye.