Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Valentines Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This last Sunday was the first and hopefully only Valentines day of the pandemic. With more on this is relationship expert, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to see you, Pete. So, how was Valentine’s day?

Pete Davidson: Well, I’m sure not as good as your’s. Yeah, you’re the man. In some ways, I like the pandemic valentines because it’s the first time being alone wasn’t my fault. I spent the night eating chocolates and watching a movie with my mom. Which is why, I’m officially moving out of the house. I am. Yeah. One of us has to go. So, we were watching that Britney Spears documentary. But I had it turned it off when I realized my mom has way more of a case to take over my finances than Brithey’s dad ever did. I was like, “Wait, she could do that and she hasn’t? Doesn’t she love me?” All Britney did was shave her head. I got a life sized tattoo of the tutsy pop owl.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I heard you were moving some of your tattoos.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I saw a picture of myself without a shirt and I look like a toddler went to prison. Like, I look like I’m carrying a shiv, but only to poke open a capri sun.

Colin Jost: Alright. And so, you’re definitely moving out?

Pete Davidson: Yes, I have to. I have to. The thing is my mom is a lot like this show. Like, no matter what I do, I’m never asked to leave. Right? Also, they’re both really old and noticeably fatigued.

Colin Jost: I gotta ask, where are you going to move to?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m staying in Staten Island. I can’t afford Kennebunkport or Blabagansett or Pepperidge Farm, wherever you live now.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I live, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, wherever you live, I’m sure it has more boats than people.

Colin Jost: Come on, man. I grew up in Staten Island just like you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, well your grammar and lack of police record say otherwise.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you’re not gonna move anywhere expensive?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, that’s the problem. You see? Me and my mom bought that house together. So, for me to afford somewhere new, I’m gonna have to either like, fight Jake Paul or like, steal another one of Laurn’s paintings.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I remember when you stole the Rothko. But you’re kidding about the fighting, right?

Pete Davidson: Well, I mean, I could never fight Jake Paul because after it was over there would be no way of telling if either one of us got brain damage.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Watch Kenan on Tuesdays!

Weekend Update Mackenzie TaylorJoy on Valentines Day

Michael Che

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy… Lauren Holt

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Valentine’s day is tomorrow. And this year, couples are having to get creative with plans. Here with her tips is relationships expert and author of the book “If You’re Single, You’re Doing It Wrong”, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy.

[Mackenzie Taylor-Joy slides in]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Hey, Michael. So happy to share my expertise about love.

Michael Che: So, your advice is just for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Nothing against single people, but if I didn’t have a boyfriend for Valentine’s Day, I would lose it. Can you imagine? Anyway, St. V-day. [message alert] Oh, just got a text from Brandon, my lover. He always texts me the cutest things. Here, I’ll read it to you. “Hey Mackenzie, sorry to do it this way but…” [starts reading silently][breathing heavy]

Michael Che: Well, what did he say?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What did who say?

Michael Che: Your boyfriend. You were just going to read us text.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Oh, he just said that we’re dumped and that’s actually really good. [starts sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: What? No way, Mr. Che. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you sure? Because weren’t you going to give us date ideas for couples?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yes. People always think couple activities are meant for pairs, but who says you can’t ride a tandem bike alone? Ha-ha-ha. Specially if you’ve already rented one for tomorrow. You can just do front or back. You can put your bag on the other seat and just talk to yourself. That’s so fun. [sobbing]

Michael Che: Oh, no. Mackenzie, are you good?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: [squeaky voice] Never been better. In fact, I got another one for you. I actually booked an Air B&B up state this weekend and guess what? B&-be by myself, alone, in the woods where the sun goes down at 4PM and it gets dark forever and it’s gonna rock. [sobbing][while wiping tears, she spoils all her eye makeup.]

Michael Che: Oh. Mackenzie, you got some makeup under your eyes.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh yes, it’s highlighter. It’s Rihanna’s brand. Pon de Replay.

Michael Che: No, hey. Do you want to maybe look at a monitor over there?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: No, I know what I look like.

Michael Che: Do you?

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Yeah. I look like an idiot for saying you can have fun on Valentine’s day by yourself. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. What am I doing to do? Eat dinner alone? How does that even work?

Michael Che: Mackenzie, things will turn around soon. I promise.

[message alert]

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, it’s from Brandon. Oh my god, okay, listen, listen, listen. He said, “Hey, sexy. I dumped Mackenzie. Sorry, wrong number.” Dammit!

Michael Che: Relationship expert, Mackenzie Taylor-Joy, everybody. I’m so sorry.

Mackenzie Taylor-Joy: Oh my god, what’s on my face?

Michael Che: That’s what I was trying to tell you.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Tina Fey on Mother’s Day

Michael Che

Tina Fey

[Starts with Michael Che in his home]

Michael Che: And here with a message for mothers this Mother’s Day is our old friend, Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Hello. Thank you, Che. I hope this email finds you well.

Michael Che: Well, How have you ben holding up during this quarantine?

Tina Fey: Michael, I can only say, so far, so good. Like, so many of us, I’m trying to focus on the positive. This is a historic time. An opportunity to be still and focus on what really matters in life. For example, I’m getting to spend so much more time with my passwords. Apple ID, Hulu, Nintendo, Slack, Zoom, Google Hangouts, Spectrum Cable, Amazon, that other stupid Amazon app for watching things. All my passwords are a little bit different and beautiful in their own way. And I see that now. Also, my kids are here.

Michael Che: Oh.

Tina Fey: And yes, it’s stressful to be in New York sometimes. I miss going to the grocery store. But there are so many great hacks you get off the internet. For example, did you know that if you’re baking cookies and you don’t have any flour, you can just go to bed. Yeah, you can all just shut your mouths and go to bed. I’m focusing on the many beautiful lessons I’ve learned. Do you know that the phrase- ‘viney bitretum savitas ponum’ means in Latin?

Michael Che: Nope.

Tina Fey: It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know Latin, Che. but now I’m in charge of teaching it to my kids. I’ve been making up gibberish and saying that’s Latin. I’m sorry, school.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Tina Fey: And it’s okay to try to find little moments of levity and joy. When the news is too much and I need to laugh, I like to think about three months ago when everyone was so worried about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh my god. You’re free, guys. No one cares who pays for your Vancouver security detail anymore. I can’t even remember what they look like. I think they both have eyes. Anyway, Che, I wanted to offer a special prayer for mothers everywhere this Mother’s Day. This mother’s day give us the grace to accept the things that cannot be changed. Like, the sheets. I can’t do it anymore, Che. I’ve changed them eight times already. Shouldn’t they just be clean forever now? Give us the courage to change the things we can. Like, our Zoom background, from a tropical beach to a picture of Governor Cuomo holding you like a baby. You can hit his nipple ring like a rattle. To a picture of my foot, two months ago when it still looked human. Mothers, may you take this journey one day at a time. This pandemic is far from over and there will be many emotional ups and downs. Ride those waves, mothers. Ride them like, a day drunk boomer at currently open Georgia Water Park. #ad #CatchTheFun. May we be kind to ourselves. Remember, the only way out of a feeling is through it. Don’t be afraid to be emotional in front of your kids. These are crying times. Let them see you open mouth chew cold spaghetti while you scream words like “moron.” and “dunning kruger syndrome, look it up. He definitely has it,” at the news program of your choice. And if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, repeat these words to yourself. Repeat after me, Che. I am a good mother.

Michael Che: I am a good mother.

Tina Fey: My children know they’re loved.

Michael Che: My children have hopefully all been prevented.

Tina Fey: It’s not a blue state bailout, you turkey face.

Michael Che: It is not a blue state bailout, you all white meat turkey!

Tina Fey: In this moment, I am okay.

Michael Che: In this moment, I am okay.

Tina Fey: I smell fine.

Michael Che: When you say it like that, it makes me feel like you don’t, so…

Tina Fey: Lastly, lord, and most importantly– I couldn’t write this last part because I can’t focus anymore, Che.

Michael Che: Tina Fey everybody.

Tina Fey: Thank you, nurses. Thank you, doctors. Thank you, doormen.

What’s Wrong with This Picture- Mother’s Day Edition

Eliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

Grace… Ego Nwodim

Emily… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s wrong with this picture” intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “What’s wrong with this picture?”

[Cut to Eliott Pants at his home]

Eliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I’m your host Eliott Pants and welcome to a very special episode of “What’s wrong with this picture?” That’s right. It’s the Mother’s Day show.

[Three women appear on the screen from the homes.]

All of our contestants today are moms because being a mom is the most important hobby in the world. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Junx. “Junx. Shapewear for your lowboys.” Wow. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Yeah. I left my kind in the other room. So, we’re gonna make it quick. He’s 12 but he’s bad kind of 12.

Eliott Pants: Grace?

Grace: Ready as I’ll ever be, you fool.

Eliott Pants: I’m sorry. Do we know each other? And our last mother is Emily.

Emily: I’m actually not a mother. I’m a grandmother.

Eliott Pants: Well, now, how does that work? These women are making me a little bit nervous. So, let’s take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a picture of a woman, two kids and a carton of eggs.] Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Grace: I think I know.

Eliott Pants: Oh, go ahead, Grace.

Grace: First of all, she’s too old for bangs. And eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: Really?

Grace: Plus the husband’s too short. They should stack to one big guy.

Eliott Pants: What? No!

Emily: Oh, the shirt comes with boobies. Tell me where they sell those.

Eliott Pants: Come on. Something in the picture is not right.

Rebecca: Yeah. Everyone in the photo is white. That just doesn’t fly these days. One of them needs to be weird.

Eliott Pants: Weird? Okay. Also, it’s not a photo. You know that, right?

Rebecca: Do I?

Eliott Pants: I’ll give you a hint. It has something to do with eggs.

Emily: Oh. Eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: We covered that.

Grace: Oh, she laid em. She was surprised but now she’s proud.

Eliott Pants: Oh my god! There are 14 eggs in the carton. Okay? There’s only supposed to be 12 in a dozen.

Emily: Oh. Like my jury.

Eliott Pants: Well, that’s tracks. Alright, here’s your next picture. [There’s a picture of a woman looking at a mirror.] Rebecca.

Rebecca: The glory hole is too high. Now, she knows it’s the neighbor.

Eliott Pants: Where did we get these moms?

Grace: Oh, she’s never seen herself, you know what I mean? Seeing herself. She’s about to take the mirror off the wall and stand over it. Then she’ll know what’s what.

Eliott Pants: You are upsetting me.

Emily: She tied the news too big and now she’s got to start over.

Eliott Pants: The reflection is wearing a necklace. Can you just think? Alright, let’s see the next. [There’s a picture of a man and a woman sitting on tanning chairs by the side of a swimming pool.] Think, then speak. That order.

Grace: Oh, the man just proposed but he used the Apu voice, you know, from the Simpsons.

Eliott Pants: Okay, you are done. You hear me?

Emily: That beach will be gone in five years because of global warming and it’s my fault. I don’t recycle my cans. I just throw them in the street.

Eliott Pants: That is a swimming pool.

Rebecca: I don’t want to be personal, but he’s got one of the smallest ones I’ve ever seen. I mean that thing’s just a little dot.

Eliott Pants: That’s the belly button.

Rebecca: Don’t get offensive.

Grace: Well, I know that it’s not that the pool is frozen.

Eliott Pants: No. [right answer bell] Wait a second. That’s right. You actually got it right.

Grace: And they’re not social distancing coz they know their rights.

Eliott Pants: And they let you all have kids. I am logging off now and I am Lizoling this computer. This has been “What’s wrong with this picture.” I am Eliott Pants. Good bye.

Weekend Update on A Day Without a Woman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘A Day Without Woman’ march logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was a day without a woman, sponsored by Jergens Lotion.

[Cut to Jergens lotion ad video bumper. There’s a bottle of Jergens and a box of napkins.]

Male voice: Jergens, you know what it’s for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jenifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J. Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Atlennifex Lodripez.

[Picture changes to Florida state map]

For second year in a row, the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again, Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marked on the second week of March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Last week was world orphan week. To you orphans out there, better luck next year.

[Picture changes to O.J. Simpson]

O.J. Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And, ladies, he’s single.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of WAFFLE HOUSE logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at the age of 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrols have– a knife fight in the parking lot.

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.] [The End]