Tag: Deborah

Potato Hole

Willie T. Hawkins… Dave Chappelle

Deborah… Heidi Gardner

Josh… Andrew Dismukes

Gail… Chloe Fineman

Skip Dudley… Michael Longfellow

[starts with show intro]

[Cut to show set]

Heidi: Welcome back ‘PM In the Afternoon’. Coming up later, chef Cindy is going to show us how to make the perfect turducken.

Andrew: Oh, and once again we are honored to be joined by legendary blues musician Willie T. Hawkins. He’s been sitting in all morning playing some tasty licks off his new album “My potato hole”. Interesting title.

Heidi: I’m sorry, Willie T., I almost don’t want to ask, but what on earth is a potato hole?

Kenan: Don’t worry about it.

Andrew: Well, no, I’m curious. What is it? Do I have a potato hole? Can I touch my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Can we even say potato hole on TV? What is a potato hole?

Kenan: I’d rather not say.

Heidi: Hey, Willie T., a closed book. Okay, let’s turn it over to Gail with the weather. How’s our weekend looking?

Chloe: Well, we’ve got some storm clouds moving in. So if you’re going out you’re gonna want to bring an umbrella, especially if you don’t want to get rained inside your potato hole. I’m sorry, it’s just so fun to say potato hole. Potato hole. Potato hole.

Andrew: Okay. If you’re just joining us, folks, we are absolutely tickled by Willie T. Hawkin’s new album ‘My potato hole”. Hey, speaking of tickled what would happen if I took on my wife’s potato hole?

Heidi: Josh, your mind?

Andrew: I know.

Heidi: I wouldn’t want to be in there for five seconds.

Andrew: But could you be in a potato hole for five seconds? I mean, what is it?

Heidi: The internal question what is a potato hole? The world may never know. Now let’s toss things over to Skip Dudley with sports.

Michael: Thanks Deborah. The PGA Tour is in full swing, pun, with Rory McIlroy sinking an unbelievable hole in one. And know, it got me thinking, could you hit a potato hole in one?

Andrew: Skip, you goo.

Heidi: I knew it was going there.

Michael: Potato hole.

Andrew: All right, now, before we go to break, Willie T., you gotta tell us. We got to know what is a Potato Potato?

Heidi: What’s a potato hole?

Andrew: Spill the tea.

Heidi: What’s the potato hole?

Andrew: For the love of God, man, tell us what about potato hole is.

Kenan: A potato holes a hole that slaves would dig to hide their food possessions from plantation owners. The little these slaves had, they would  in their potato hole. Even though they knew that if their masters found these potato holes, they’d be whipped, beaten, torn limb from limb. Potato was their last vestige of humanity. And over time, it came to symbolize resilience. Black Life in the face of white oppression. That’s what a potato hole is, bitch.

Andrew: Uh-huh. I did not see that as what it could be. Could have told us sooner. But yes, no, I think we are all sorry.

Heidi: Willie T., want to play us out with a tasty lick?

Kenan: I do not.

Heidi: Didn’t think you would. We’ll be right back.

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out]

[Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!