Plaintiff’s attorney… Cecily Strong
Mr. Miller… Mikey Day
Judge… Kenan Thompson
Defendant’s attorney … Donald Glover
[Starts with plaintiff’s attorney asking Mr. Miller questions in the court]Plaintiff’s attorney: One final question, Mr. Miller and I know this has been a difficult experience to relive.
Mr. Miller: It has.
Plaintiff’s attorney: Do you feel that you are in any way at fault for your friends and family being eaten?
Mr. Miller: Of course, not. All I know is that I miss them.
Plaintiff’s attorney: Hmm. All he knows is that he misses them. No further questions.
Judge: Your witness?
Defendant’s attorney: Thank you, your honor. [Defendant’s attorney stands and walks to Mr. Miller] All he knows is that he misses them. And that might be true but that is not why we are here today. We re hereto determine whether my client, Jurassic Park, the beautiful island full of real life dinosaurs, is responsible for the death of Mr. Miller’s friends and family when all the dinosaurs got out. And I say no.
Mr. Miller: I say yes.
Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: No, man. Definitely not.
Defendant’s attorney: So, Mr. Miller, Jurassic World shouldn’t have to pay you money even though you agreed to waive all rights to sue the park.
Mr. Miller: What? No. I did not agree to that.
Defendant’s attorney: Exhibit A. [Defendant’s attorney passes a paper full of blood to Mr. Miller] Mr. Miller, could you please read the indemnification on the back of your VIP all access raptor’s pass?
Mr. Miller: I can’t read it. It’s covered in my friend Scott’s blood.
Defendant’s attorney: Well, move your friend Scott’s blood around with your finger until you can read it. [Defendant’s attorney walks to a member jury who is black] I mean, can you really believe this, sister?
Jury member: Get out of my face.
Mr. Miller: Um, it says Jurassic World is not responsible for lost or damaged items.
Defendant’s attorney: Lost or damaged items, like your friends and family.
Mr. Miller: Well, I don’t consider my friends and family items.
Defendant’s attorney: But the law does.
Judge: Let the record show that he law does not.
Defendant’s attorney: Alright. Let me ask you this, Mr. Miller. Did you have a good time at Jurassic Park?
Mr. Miller: Um, no. It was the single worst experience of my life.
Defendant’s attorney: Ah! Please direct your attention to the monitor. This is an Instagram story posted by Mr. Miller on the date in question.
[Defendant’s attorney turns plays the video on the screen.] [Cut to the video. Mr. Miller is with two of his friends and they have having a lot of fun.]Alright, stop. Stop. Stop. [Defendant’s attorney pauses the video] Sure sounded like you were having fun to me. Good time, liar!
Plaintiff’s attorney: Okay, request permission to show the rest of the video?
Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. I do not see why that would be relevant in this case.
Judge: Permission granted.
[Defendant’s attorney plays the video. As soon as the video plays, Mr. Miller in the video starts screaming and the screen goes all bloody.]Defendant’s attorney: Who even knows what is happening there? I mean, really?
Judge: That’s him and his friends getting eaten by the dinosaur. I mean, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to weigh in but that’s what it is.
Mr. Miller: Specifically, a T-Rex grabbed my friend Rachel and swallowed her without biting like you would take a Tylenol.
Defendant’s attorney: Objection, your honor. The T-Rex is a good guy now. It is consistently saving the day. Sustained!
Judge: Counsellor, you can’t sustain your own objection. [to Mr. Miller] Continue, sir.
Mr. Miller: Yeah. After that, a flying dinosaur, the long nose landed on my brother and he ate my brother’s face. And then one of those big new genetically engineered ones that you guys made with like, the giant claws–
Defendant’s attorney: Yeah, the Psychosaurus, yes.
Mr. Miller: Yeah. That guy came in and he ate the dinosaur that ate my brother.
Defendant’s attorney: Hmm. “He” ate my brother. “That guy” came in. And yet, Mr. Miller, may I remind you and the court that all dinosaurs at Jurassic park are female. Your honor, the witness had lied under oath. I declare a mistrial because Mr. Miller’s credibility is extinct. Ha-ha! [Defendant’s attorney pours himself a glass of water and drinks it.] This court is adjourned.
Judge: Well, the court is not adjourned because this was not a mistrial. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will now begin the liberations to reach a verdict.
Jury member: We have reached a verdict already. We all just kind of looked at each other and nodded. We find the defendant Jurassic World Theme Park guilty of charges. They got to learn. The dinosaurs always get out.
Judge: Ha-ha. That they do. That they do.
Defendant’s attorney: I see. Well, I guess that’s lunch then.
[Defendant’s attorney pulls out a huge egg]Plaintiff’s attorney: Is that a dinosaur egg?
Defendant’s attorney: Well, yes. You think this is okay to eat?