Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Three’s A Crime

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey

Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson

Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon

Defense attorney… Taran Killam

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.

Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.

[Cut to the courtroom]

Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Kara: Oh, my god.

Janet: So cheesy.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.

[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.] [Cut to Defense attorney]

Was that you driving Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven and Judge]

Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.

Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, about five hours.

[Cut to Judge looking shocked]

Judge: Oh, I remember those days.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”

[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven] [Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.

[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.] [Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.

[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.] [Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: I can’t with this kid.

Kara: What a dork.

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!

[Gaven and Judge high fives] [Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.

Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.

[Cut to HLN outro] [The End]