Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.

Porn Pizza Delivery

Jasmine… Heidi Gardner

Delivery boy… Chance the Rapper

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Skank Babysitter 17 intro]

[Cut to Jasmine sitting on a couch]

Jasmine: The kid I’m babysitting is finally asleep. Now I can study for college. [doorbell ringing] Who could that be?

[Jasmine walks to the door and opens it. A pizza delivery guy walks in.]

Delivery boy: Pizza delivery. I got extra large sausage just for you.

Jasmine: For the 17th, I didn’t order any pizza.

Delivery boy: Well, I would hate for all this sausage to go to waste.

Jasmine: Oh, wait. I know somewhere we can put it.

Delivery boy: Oh, yeah?

Jasmine: Freak, yeah!

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Whoa! Ms. Jasmine, you ordered us a pizza? You’re the coolest babysitter ever.

Delivery boy: What?

Aidy: Wait a minute. We already ate dinner. Aren’t you full?

Jasmine: Yeah. But I want to be stuffed

Aidy: Whatever you say, Ms. Jasmine, I love pizza.

Delivery boy: It’s an extra, extra large. Almost nine inches.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak, yeah.

Aidy: Nine inches? That sounds more like personal pan to me. Is that really enough for both of us?

Jasmine: Don’t talk back. I’m in charge even though I’m only 19.

Aidy: What? I saw your driver’s license, you’re 39. Anyway, I’m gonna go get some plates. Be right back, Ms. Jasmine.

Jasmine: Um, come over here, pizza guy.

Delivery boy: Okay, so, what do you think about my pizza delivery?

Jasmine: It was good. You came so fast.

Delivery boy: Sorry about that. It’s been three days since I delivered a pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Whoa! Are you staying to eat the pizza with us?

Delivery boy: Um, yeah.

Aidy: Oh, cool. Make yourself at home. I’m sorry, we only have this black heather couch and two fake plants and no rugs or TV or anything.

Delivery boy: That’s okay. I’ll do it anywhere they tell me.

Aidy: Oh, that’s the spirit. [Aidy opens the pizza box. The pizza has a hole in the middle.] Umm– whoa, wait a minute. There’s a hole in the middle of this pizza.

Delivery boy: That’s for the sausage.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

Aidy: Hold one. Ms. Jasmine, we’re getting ripped off. Don’t tip this guy.

Delivery boy: No, I give her the tip.

Aidy: Wait, you do? So, you bring us the pizza and we get a tip? Never mind, you guys are the best pizza place ever. That’s your pizza place called?

Delivery boy: [Looking at his shirt. There is no name, just ‘Pizza’.] Pizza.

Aidy: I know. But what’s the restaurant?

Delivery boy: Pizza.

Aidy: Whatever you say.

Jasmine: Did you bring me any dessert, big boy?

Delivery boy: I sure did. 100 pounds of chocolate. [pointing at himself]

Aidy: You brought chocolate too? Oh, you’re the best delivery guy ever.

Delivery boy: I’m not just a delivery guy. I’m also a masseuse, a bus driver and a step-son.

Aidy: Whoa, Ms. Jasmine’s a bus driver too.

Jasmine: I don’t drive. I just lay down in the back.

Aidy: Oh, wow. Well, that’s a job, sign me up. [doorbell ringing] Oh, it’s a door bell. I’ll get it.

[Aidy walks to the door and opens it. Three men walk in.]

Beck: Did someone call a plumber?

Alex: And a handy man.

Kyle: And order a package?

Aidy: Wow you guys are still on the clock this late? You work really hard.

Beck: So hard.

Alex: Super hard.

Kyle: And I’m just medium hard. But they can cut around it.

Aidy: Okay, well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here eating some pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Aidy: It’s really cold.