Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson
Judge… Kenan Thompson
Delivery boy… Chris Redd[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]
Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?
Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.
Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.
Judge: Alright. Very well.
James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.
Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.
James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.
Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.
James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.
Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.[Heidi and James walk to Judge]
What the hell is going on?
James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.
Judge: Excuse me?
James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.
Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?
James: False. It’s lasagna.
Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.
James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.
Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.
James: Your honor, may I elaborate?
Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.
James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?
Heidi: I object.
Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.
Mr. Reynolds: Za.
James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.
Heidi: This is preposterous.
James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.
Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.
James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.
Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]
Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’
Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]
James: There it is!
Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.
James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.
Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.
James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]
Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?
James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.