Sully… Jimmy Fallon
Denise… Rachel Dratch
Little Denise… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with a video recorded by a camera phone. Alex is speaking.]
Alex: So, this is Straus hall originally built in 1926. It has been home to such notable alums as Burroughs and chief justice John Roberts
Sully: I remember my childhood habit. I showed up for a medical experiment. I slept for three days. They paid me $3.
Denise: Wicked pissa! This place is beautiful. It’s like Hogwarts with more asians.
Sully: I would be Gryffindor.
Denise: Your are Hufflepuff and you know it.
Sully: You are.
[Sully and Denise start making out]
Alex: Great! Um, does anybody have any questions?
Cecily: Oh, yes. what percentage of freshman live on campus?
Sully: Also, is there an in-house Dunkin?
Denise: Yeah. I’m in dire need of a butter can Dunkinccino.
Alex: I’m sorry, folks. Who are you?
Sully: Um, my name is Patt Solven. This is my girl Denise.
Denise: Call me Zaa-Zoo. Unless I’m at work, in which case, call me doctor.
Cecily: Um, what kind of medice do you practice?
Denise: Oh, no, sweetheart. I wear a lab coat and insert hearts in the build-a-bears at the Burlington mall.
Alex: Um, I’m really sorry. This tour is for accepted students and their parents.
Denise: Uh, yeah! No durp Sherlock. Our daughter is over there pretending to be part of another family. [Little Denise is hiding behind Indian parents] Come on, say hi, lil Denise.
Little Denise: My gosh, dad, you promised me you weren’t going to film this.
Sully: Are you kidding me? It’s a momentous occasion. You are the first person in our family to complete an application.
Denise: Of any kind, of any kind. [pointing Sully] This one couldn’t get through an application to the Abby’s reward’s club.
Sully: It’s worth it though.
Little Denise: Mom, why did Tommy have to come? It’s 2017, you could cold the cameraphone yourself.
Denise: Ah! Don’t knock your uncle Tommy. He’s the only one that knows how to use those filters.
Sully: Hey, Tommy, hit me. Watch this. Watch.
[Sully and Denise have puppy snapchat filters]
Woof! Woof! Yea!
Alex: So, um, little Denise will be matriculating to Harvard in the fall?
Little Denise: Yes.
Sully: She’s undecided. It’s between Harvard and my Alma Mater, mcneelyheatingandcooling.com.
Denise: yeah. Little D’s is a certified brainiac. she’s like Good Will Hunting.
Sully: Yeah. She’s a math genius. And a violent prodigy.
Denise: She gets that from me though. I am a wiz a karaoke, right? [singing] Pour some sugar on me!
Little Denise: That’s not appropriate right now.
Denise: God bless you. God bless you, little D. You always taught us what is and isn’t appropriate.
Sully: yeah, for example, we used to call each other re–
Little Denise: [interrupting] Dad! Dad!
Sully: But now we have to say you’re intellectually disabled.
Denise: You are.
[Sully and Denise start making out.
Leslie: I have a question. What is this school’s policy on drinking on campus?
Alex: Um, sure. We have a very strict policy. We monitor all campus spaces and alcohol is not permitted anywhere on the premises.
[Denise is drinking her alcohol in one shot to finish it.]
Sully: Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Alright.
Little Denise: Please excuse my parent’s behavior. They ate a lot of paint chips growing up.
Sully: Yeah. We sure did. We called them radiator nachos.
Little Denise: Probably effected the development of the pre-frontal cortex.
Denise: Sweetheart, sweetheart, you know we can’t understand you when you talk all smart like that.
Little Denise: I was just saying you’re being wicked odd. Drop your rod socks, stick your head under a bubble before you end up getting hold back to bricker in the back of the crosa.
Denise: Copy that.
Sully: Message received. So, how much is a year?
Alex: Current tuition is $63,025.
Denise: A week?
Alex: No. A year.
Denise: No register, no better.
Sully: Hey, are there scholarships for ethnic students? Her middle name is Nomar.
Little Denise: Nomar!
Alex: Um, I am actually not sure that qualifies.
Sully: Um, well that price is a tag dear, but we can make sacrifices. For example, what does a man in my situation need with so many kidneys?
Denise: Yeah! I mean, I could get a night job doing night jobs by the bridge. I could.
Little Denise: No, you guys. It’s fine. I will go to McNeili. I will never fit in here with all these fancy kids.
Leslie: Um, excuse me, but do you know when this Manchester by the sea thing will be over so we can continue with the tour?
Denise: Come on! We on’t need these stuff shirt. Let’s go do donuts in the parking lot of Stop and Shop.
Little Denise: Oh, like we used to do when I was a kid.
[Sully, Denise and Little Denise leave]
Alex: Um, okay, back to our tour. Surrounding us are the freshman dorms. That’s Holas, that’s Stotten and that’s Hurlbutt.
[Sully and Denise run back]
Sully: Wait, seriously? Hurlbutt? That’s fur real?
Alex: Um, yes.
Little Denise: So, if you live there and someone asks where you live, you say…
Sully: And if you eat of bunch of Chipotle and suddenly you have to run back to your dorn, you run back to…
Sully: Oh, my god! Tommy, please tell me you got that.
Denise: Harvard it is. We’ll make it work.