Tag: Derek

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.

Vaccine Game Show

Tevin Jones… Daniel Kaluuya

Tasha.. Ego Nwodim

Derek… Kenan Thompson

Donald… Chris Redd

Shawna… Punkie Johnson

Sarah… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Tevin Jones: Hey, I’m Dr. Tevin Jones and welcome to “Will you take it?” The game show where I try to convince my family to take the covid vaccine. Let’s see who is playing today. We got my lovely cousin, Tasha.

Tasha: Hey.

Tevin Jones: My favorite uncle, Derek.

Derek: Watch out, now.

Tevin Jones: My cousin, Donald.

Donald: Call me Don Juan.

Tevin Jones: And my sweet aunt, Shawna. How are you doing?

Shawna: Baby, I’m blessed.

Tevin Jones: Good to hear. Alright. As you all know, I’m a medical doctor working on the front lines of covid.

Derek: Yes, that’s right.

Tevin Jones: I’ve seen what this disease is doing first hand.

All: Um-hmm.

Donald: Ain’t no joke.

Tevin Jones: And all of you are considered high risk for covid.

All: True.

Tasha: Whatever that means.

Tevin Jones: Bud despite all of my pleads, none of you have been vaccinated yet.

All: Hell nah!

Tevin Jones: Okay. So, let’s get into it. If you answer this first question right, I will hand you $500 in cash. Listen carefully. Will any of you will just take covid vaccine right now? Anybody? Any takers?

[buzzer sound]

Cousin Tasha.

Tasha: $500 cash?

Tevin Jones: Yes.

Tasha: Okay. Can you repeat the question?

Tevin Jones: Sure. The question is – would any of you just take the covid vaccine right now? Anybody?

[buzzer sound]

Don.

Donald: Nope.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Tevin Jones: Not the answer I was looking for.

Donald: Man, I don’t need that vaccine, man.

Tevin Jones: And just to remind everybody watching, you’re a diabetic and you’ve been shot in the lung.

Donald: But I never get sick because I sleep in my socks.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. We were looking for the answer – “Yes, I will take the vaccine.”

Tasha: Damn.

Tevin Jones: It’s okay. You’ll get more chances to win. Uncle Derek, you’ve had two heart attacks in the past decade.

Derek: Um-hmm. And I survived by the grace of god.

Tevin Jones: And what will you do if you win some money here?

Derek: Man. I might like me a little reefer. Getting them one of them pellet smokers. Yeah. Throw a big old barbecue bash in the neighborhood. No masks.

Tevin Jones: Okay, sounds like you really need this vaccine. So, for $5,000, will you take the vaccine right now?

Derek: Hmm. I don’t know about that.

Tevin Jones: Think about this, uncle Derek. $5,000 is on the line.

Derek: Damn. 5 racks? It’s a lot of bread. I could get me a little girlfriend.

Tevin Jones: And you can have a barbecue. You can have your barbecue completely vaccinated.

Derek: Nah, it ain’t worth it.

Tevin Jones: Really? What about you, aunt Shawna?

Shawna: You know I can’t take that vaccine. I am a Christian.

Tevin Jones: Who told you Christians can’t take the vaccine?

Shawna: Facebook.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. Again, we were looking for – “Yes.”

Derek: Look, I don’t mind taking the vaccine. I just want to be the first, you know?

Tevin Jones: You won’t be the first. Literally, 100 million people have already taken the vaccine.

Derek: Still, though.

[game show sound]

Tevin Jones: Well, that sound means it’s time for “Ask a doctor”. This is where each of you get to ask me, a medical doctor, any questions you have about the covid vaccine. And in the end, hopefully, some of you will leave here with cash and take the vaccine. Let’s start the clock at all day. [the game timer has 24 hours countdown.] And go! Tasha.

Tasha: Do it got syphilis in it?

Tevin Jones: What? Of course not. Why would it have syphilis in it? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. But that was a long time ago.

Tasha: Um-hmm, well I ain’t forget.

Tevin Jones: It doesn’t have syphilis in it. Don?

Donald: Alright, I’ll take it when white people start taking it.

Tevin Jones: White people are taking it.

Donald: Man, you can’t trust white people.

Tevin Jones: Why can’t you trust white people? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. You’re not wrong about Tuskegee. But still.

Derek: Nephew, I got a question. How come you don’t visit the family no more?

Shawna: Yeah. You missed grandma’s birthday.

Tevin Jones: None of you are vaccinated yet. And you shouldn’t be having parties.

Tasha: [mocking] You shouldn’t be having parties. Dork ass!

Tevin Jones: Whatever. Look, I’m offering you guys $5,000 to take this vaccine.

Derek: Make it 10.

Tevin Jones: Okay, fine. I’ma give you $20,000. Will you take it now?

Derek: 20 racks? [thinking] Nah, I’m good.

Tevin Jones: Okay. This is not working. This is not working. Let’s just take a break. Ha-ha. And when we come back, I’ll see if my girlfriend, Sarah, who’s also a doctor, can change their minds.

[Cut to Sarah. She’s a white girl]

Sarah: It’s really nice to meet you guys.

[The family are complaining about her]

Scrudge

Scrudge… Beck Bennett

Michael… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Derek… Chris Redd

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

James Franco

[Starts with Scrudge reading a book in a dark room. He looks like a scary man in horror movies.]

[door knocking]

Scrudge: Hey, go away! [door knocking] [Scrudge walks to the door and opens it. It’s Michael.]

Michael: Hey, man. Sorry to bother you. Um, we’re about to head over to this Christmas party.

Scrudge: [interrupting] Cool. Bye!

[Scrudge shuts the door]

Michael: [speaking from outside the door] I was just thinking if you don’t have any plans, you’re more than welcome to come. We don’t get to kick it that much anymore. It can be fun, you know?

Scrudge: Fine!

[Cut to Kevin and Derek all ready for the party. Michael walks in.]

Kevin: [to Michael] You ready?

Michael: Um, just a few more minutes. I think my roommate is coming with us.

Kevin: What?

Derek: Seriously? You invited Scrudge?

Michael: Come on. It’s Christmas. The guy doesn’t have any friends.

Derek: Yeah, because he’s a nightmare, man!

[Scrudge walks in wearing nice clothes and a hat.]

Scrudge: Wad up, players? Kevin, Derek, still really boring? Cool. Let’s get faded.

[Cut to the party. Anna opens the door.]

Michael: Hey! We come bearing gifts.

Scrudge: Anna, your place looks so inexpensive.

Anna: Thanks.

Scrudge: Oh! And ugly Christmas sweater. So brave of you to do something so played out.

[Scrudge is opening a bottle of liquor. He looks at a girl. The girl is waving at him.]

Oh, no! Katy’s here. We hooked up like, once. And now she won’t stop texting me. It’s like, “Hey.” “Hi.” “What are you doing?” “You know what I’m doing. I see you watching my Insta stories.” Argh! Another reason to get blacked out.

Michael: Just try not to be dick to everyone tonight, please?

Scrudge: Duh! Bumble Dog.

[Scrudge walks to the TV set]

Hey, Heather. Dope DVD collection. I can’t believe there are other Wes Anderson fans out there. [showing a DVD of the movie Life Aquatic.] Let me guess, you like the soundtracks too? Coz you and your friends suck?

[Scrudge is walking to the bathroom. Three men walk out of the bathroom.]

Oh, I see what’s going on here. [stops Mikey] Mind if I sneak like, just a little tini tiny key bump?

Mikey: Um, yeah. We don’t have much left coz–

[Mikey gives Scrudge a tiny packet of cocaine. Scrudge just takes it and goes inside the bathroom. Mikey is waiting for him to get out and give him his packet back. But Scrudge comes out and just walks by.]

Hey, dude! Can I get that bag back?

Scrudge: Dude, what? I gave it back to you.

Mikey: No, you didn’t.

Scrudge: Yeah, dude. I literally, like, just gave it back to you. Are you like, high dude?

[Scrudge walks away]

Mikey: What?

[Cut to the rooftop. James is smoking a cigarette. Scrudge walks to him.]

Scrudge: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

[James looks at his packet]

James: I got one left.

[Scrudge takes that cigarette]

Scrudge: Oh, that’s all I need.

James: Hey, Scrudge, yo’re kind of an asshole.

Scrudge: Wow, everybody has been dying to know what the sad lonely roof guy thinks. And I get to hear it first? #winning #Tygablood. Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you, loser!

James: Why don’t you take a look downstairs. You might not be as cool as you think.

[Scrudge looks down to the party. He sees people making fun of him.]

Mikey: I’m Scrudge. I make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Anna: Is he like a thousand years old?

Kevin: [to Michael] You would know this, does he own a toothbrush?

Michael: He’s just my roommate. He’s not really my friend. I don’t even know how much longer I want to live with him.

Scrudge: [to himself in the rooftop] Michael?

James: [to Scrudge] It’s not too late, Scrudge.

Scrudge: [singing] What have I become?

[Scrudge looks at James. James gets wings and he flies away.]

[Scrudge walks back to the party]

Everybody, please listen. I have something to say. [everybody look at him.] I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to each and everyone of you. But tonight, thanks to you, I’ve realized that the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with those you love. Which is why, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry.

[Michael tries to stop Scrudge. But as Scrudge turns around, he is showing his butt off his pants to everyone.]

Truly, really sorry everyone.

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can]

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink]

[Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.