Tag: Devin

Blonde

Jackie… James Austin Johnson

Marilyn Monroe… Chloe Fineman

Devin… Brendan Gleeson

Agnes… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Netflix intro]

Male voice: This fall, Netflix released “Blonde”, an NC-17, no-holds-barred look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. Here’s a preview.

Jackie: Marilyn what’s the holdup? We’re about to shoot the big dance number.

Marilyn: I’m just gonna mess it up Jackie. It’s like I’m a slave to this Marilyn Monroe.

Jackie: Don’t say that, Marilyn. everybody loves you. And to cheer you up, I brought in Devin and Agnes from the studio to read you all your adoring fan mails. Come on in ladies.

[Devin and Agnes walk in. Devin is a man with breasts.]

Agnes: Wow, Ms. Monroe, this is the most fan mail we’ve ever seen.

Devin: Yeah, we picked up some of the best ones to make you feel better.

Jackie: See Marilyn they love you.

Marilyn: And I do need the love daddy. All right, ladies. Let’s hear those letters.

Agnes: Okay. What do we got?

Devin: Yeah, here’s one. Let’s see now. Marilyn, you are the sweetheart of this every other month.

Marilyn: Even February? Shucks, I’m feeling better already.

Devin: Here’s another one. Marilyn I wish I was you.

Marilyn: Aww.

Agnes: My turn. Marilyn, you are a whore and no one will ever love you, you disgusting tramp. You’re poisoning our children. Not a fan.

Marilyn: That felt a little long and mean.

Jackie: Oh, that one musta gotten mixed up in the mail.

Devin: Oh, here’s a good one. Marilyn you are a sweetheart and your smile is a sweetheart too. Your to sweetheart, sweetheart. Love from Louisville.

Marilyn: I love you too Louisville. Gee, I think I’m ready to start that dance.

Agnes: Marilyn, you dumb baboon, your brain is in your button, I’d like to kick it. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Ouchie.

Jackie: What the hell was that?

Marilyn: Maybe we could screen these little or if they get really mean, I don’t know, bail?

Agnes: Well, it’s hard Miss Monroe because some of them start nice and then mean.

Devin: And some of them start mean and then nice.

Agnes: And then some of them start mean and just end.

Marilyn: Well, do any of them start nice and stay nice?

Devin: A Sure. Here’s one, Ms. Monroe.

Marilyn: You sure it’s all nice?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: You read the whole thing?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Talk to friends side to side?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Alright, go ahead.

Devin: Marilyn, you are a whore.

Jackie: Here’s an idea. Maybe if it says whore, we skip that and say flower instead?

Agnes: You got it? Marilyn you were born a flower and you will die a flower.

Devin: You’re a dirty flower and your mother was a flower too.

Agnes: Oh, wait, I got a good one. I really look up to you. I’m also a flower. Now not a fan.

Marilyn: God, everyone just hates Marilyn Monroe. I should have stayed Norma Jean.

Agnes: Oh, well, this one’s addressed your Norma Jean.

Marilyn: Really? Only one person in the world calls me that.

Agnes: Norma Jean. It’s your dad. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Okay. Maybe we don’t read any of it that say not a fan at the end?

Devin: Well, this one says Not a fan at the beginning. Is that okay?

Marilyn: No. I’m sorry. Who are you two again?

Devin: Well, we’re your fan mail readers.

Marilyn: And that’s your whole job?

Agnes: Well, we’re also veers for some of the gay stars. But we can’t say which, Rock Hudson.

Marilyn: Okay. I think I’m ready to be done with these old women, please.

Agnes: Oh, no. Just just give us one more chance.

Devin: Yeah, this one will be nice. Look, it’s a drawing. [it’s a drawing made by a kid of a woman inside jail]

Marilyn: What is that?

Agnes: It’s you in jail for being a whore.

Jackie: All right, enough of this nonsense. Ladies, you’re fired. Let me see those letters. [Jackie is looking at the letters] Here’s one that really says  really says what the public feels about you. “Marilyn, you’re a genius and an icon. Now, go dance your heart out.”

Marilyn: Jackie, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe letters really are a girl’s best friend.

[Marilyn feels really happy and goes to dance]

Devin: Did it really say that?

Jackie: Who knows? I can’t read.

Outdoor Cabaret

Charlie… Bowen Yang

Devin… Jason Bateman

Billy Moon… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a live music show in a restaurant]

Ladies: [singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Charlie walks to the stage]

Charlie: Wow, wow. What a safe song choice. Thanks so much for joining us this evening at a outdoor cabaret folks. As always, you’ve Devin tickling the ivories. Say hi, Devin.

[Devin is on the piano. He is wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection.]

Devin: Um, they’re less ivory. They’re more plastic, Charlie. My actual piano got stolen last week. Do you remember? You just sat there and you watched?

Charlie: Devin! Well, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Viig. I was a main stay here at the duplex in the great performance. And hey, one of my favorite performance just got back from a trip abroad. Please give a downtown welcome to the legendary, Mr. Billy Moon.

[Billy walks to the stage]

Billy: Isn’t it marvelous? You’ve made the outside look like inside.

Charlie: That’s right. Tell the people where you’ve been the last nine months?

Billy: Well, since March, I’ve been on the only cruise ship with zero infections. So, we just never got off.

Charlie: Oh, my god! So, you were just floating out there?

Billy: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Well, thank god you made it out. Billy, shall we sing to celebrate your joyous return?

Billy: Let’s try.

[music playing]

Charlie: [singing] Oh, yet a trouble

Billy: Happy day

Charlie: Come on get happy

Billy: I hear again, skies

Charlie: Shout hallelujah

Billy: Shout and sing a song

Charlie: Let’s get happy

Billy: Out here again

Charlie: Get ready for

Billy: Happy days are here again

Billy: Charlie! I have to say. I love that there’s a doctor here tonight.

Devin: No, I’m not a doctor. I’m just respecting science. It’s me, Billy.

Billy: Devin? Why are you wearing all that gauze?

Devin: Oh, I’m protecting myself because Charlie is trying to achieve herd immunity in the cabaret world.

Charlie: Well, if the sweets can do it.

Devin: They did not.

Charlie: Oh, and a reminder, folks. If you want drinks, you have to order food too.

[Cut to a waiter. He is also wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection. He has one hotdog in his one hand.]

Waiter: I’ve only got one hotdog left. So everybody, just take a bite and pass it. Okay?

Charlie: Billy, you know what the best way to thank health care workers who are begging us to stay inside is?

Billy: To go outside and sing for a crowd. This one’s for you, doctor! [pointing at Devin]

Devin: Still me, Devin. Okay? And this plastic keyboard is officially melting. Anyway we can back this heat lamp off like, Charlie0 feet?

Billy: What do you say, Charlie?

Charlie: [singing] The sun is shining

Billy: out together

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: Oh, the good old days. Do you remember when I had my picture up?

Charlie: Yes. It was right up at the front by the cash register that said “bounced check”.

Billy: Ha-ha. Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Charlie: But you know what? We’ll survive. I mean, New York’s gotten through tougher times.

Devin: Yes, I remember the Spiderman musical.

Charlie: Oh! Devin! Well, just look at us. I’d say we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Right?

Devin: Not really, Charlie. Our outdoor set up got decimated by a cab and a bus last week.

Billy: Oh my! Well, did you at least get insurance money?

Devin: No, no. We owe them. We set it up in a turn lne.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s an oopsie on us!

[singing] We’re heading across the river
so your cares will all be gone

Billy: There’ll be no more from now on

Charlie and Billy: From now on

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: I just want to say. I think as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.

Devin: The pandemic or the performance?

Charlie: Oh, Devin!

Devin: Kidding. I love you both. But Hobby does need me home.

Charlie: What could he possibly need?

[singing] Happy time


Billy: Happy night

Charlie and Billy: Happy days are here agan

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Talent Show

Devin… Mikey Day

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Principal Rigen… Kenan Thompson

Roberta… Tina Fey

Susan… Melissa Villaseñor

Leslie Jones

Devin… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Devin and Tyler performing in a talent show. They’re both wearing karate gee. Tyler is holding a fort and Devin is about to hit it.]

Devin: Using the raw power of my right hand, I will chop this fort in half.

Tyler: Wait, Devin, what if you hit my chest and my heart stops?

Devin: Good point. Never mind, we withdraw from competition because we are afraid.

[Devin and Tyler bow. Principal Rigen walks in.]

Principal Rigen: Okay. let’s give it up for Devin and Tyler. Ha-ha. [audience clapping] Right. Devin and Tyler. Two 18 old boys terrified by a piece of wood. Ain’t that nice. Ha-ha. Alright now. Up next is Susan Turners performing with her mother’s last PTA majority whip, Roberta Turners.

[Roberta and Susan walk to the stage]

Roberta: Whoo! Hello! Livingston high school, class of 2018, how we doing, Lions? Rawr! Fun. Anyway, I am Roberta.

Susan: I am Scissors.

Roberta: She is Susan.

Susan: Don’t run with me. I’ll poke your eye out.

Roberta: Okay. Spooky! Susan’s going through a bit of a phase. I’m sure all your parents can understand that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No, my son is his own person and I respect his choices.

[Cut to Roberta and Susan]

Roberta: Okay. Wow, you really hung me out to dry there. Well, everybody, we are performing the very same mother-daughter routine that we did at her first grade talent show. [sobbing] Oh, my god. Okay.

Susan: For the record, I wanted to do a different song.

Roberta: Okay. The song choice is final. DJ, hit it.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Roberta: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “Where you gonna live your life right?”

Susan: [singing] Well, maybe I just wanna live my life wrong
Bill Gates never went to college, mom!

Roberta: Okay, stop. Susan, can I speak to you in private?

[Principal Rigen walks in]

Principal Rigen: Ha-ha, okay. Alright. Little mother-daughter moment there folks. They’ll be back momentarily. Ah, now, some of y’all might be wondering, “Why is Principal Rigen’s allowing this to continue?” Well, the answer is, Roberta and I have a sexual relationship. And, yeah, the phrase ‘no strings’ was throwing around a lot at the beginning. Yet here I am obligated to assist. Isn’t sex funny like that to y’all?

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No. Sex isn’t funny. It’s beautiful and sacred.

[Cut to the stage]

Principal Rigen: Okay, so you just disagree with everybody? Huh?

[Roberta and Susan walk to stage again]

Roberta: Sorry for the disruption. I think Susan might be a little hermonal.

Susan: Argh!

Roberta: Okay. DJ, hit that track.

[music playing]

[Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Susan: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “I can’t drive you to the protest, Susan. I have book club.” Mom?

Roberta: Alright. That’s enough. Okay, Susan, may I have a word with you in the wings please?

Susan: Argh!

[Principal Rigen walks in again]

Principal Rigen: It’s like, you know, one day we just banging, you know? But then the next day, it’s like, “Hey, can you take Susan to school? You already going there, right?” And then it’s like, “Oh, I’m getting groceries now. Alright.” And now I’ma be making a fool out of myself. Well, you know what? Why don’t we just move on to the next act. Give it up for Dylan and his amazing invisible box.

[Devin walks in. He acts like he is putting his hand on the box, then stepping on it. Then he leaves the stage.]

Principal Rigen: Well, I mean the booty is worth it. You know? Like, the booty is worth it, y’all.

[Roberta and Susan walk in]

Roberta: Okay, okay. Now, Susan has generously agreed to cooperate. DJ, play the song.

Susan: Yeah, Brandon, play the song.

[The DJ plays the song “Chop Suey” by System Of A Down.]

Roberta: Oh, Susan, turn this off right this instant.

Susan: [singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: Stop. This is last warning. I’ll call the authorities. [looks at the audience] Everyone’s nodding. I think they love it.

[The audience are doing the headbang]

I think I love it.

Susan: There’s a part where you come in at mom.

Roberta: We’re doing this together?

Susan: Yeah.

[singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: You wanted to

Oh, this song is fun. I like this.

St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular

Devin… Pete Davidson

Pastor Pat… Bobby Moynihan

Mr. Drubbler… Jay Pharoah

Bethany Opsal… Aidy Bryant

Ryan Welty… Kyle Mooney

Colleen Chapin… Cecily Strong

[Cut to people going in the church]

Male voice: It’s Christmas and you know what that means. It’s time for you annual trip to church with your parents.

[rock music stars playing]

And you’re in luck coz this year, St. Joseph’s church is going full throttle. With our one night only, Christmas Mass Spectacular. We’ve got appearances by all your church favorites. Like, Devin. [Cut to Devin] The newly atheist teen who is making a point of not saying the prayers.

[Cut to Pastor Pat who is sleepy]

Pastor Pat who sings everything at constantly changing speeds.

[Cut to Pastor Pat singing in different speeds.]

Pastor Pat: [singing fast] For glory and honor’s is yours almighty father,
[singing slow] forever and ever

[Cut to Mr. Drubbler]

Male voice: And Mr. Drubbler, who is eager to say ‘Peace be with you’ while holding out the sweatiest hand you’ve ever seen.

[Mr. Drubbler gives his hand to shake]

Still not sold? Well, we got organist Linda Tayhoe. [Cut to Linda Tayhoe playing organ]

Watch her take 20 minutes to arrange her sheet music and still start on the wrong chord.

[Linda Tayhoe is playing organ all wrong]

[Cut to Bethany Opsal with the choir group.]

Plus, teen soloist, Bethany Opsal who is up there in the choir trying hard as hell.

Bethany Opsal: [singing]Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path

Male voice: Yeah! And don’t miss St. Joseph’s back to back liturgical readers. [Cut to Ryan Welty walking to the podium to speak] 12 year old Ryan Welty who really doesn’t wanna be doing this.

[Ryan Welty reads from the bible but it’s unintelligible because he’s speaking fast and unclear.]

[Cut to Colleen Chapin]

And 44 year old Colleen Chapin who really, really does.

Colleen Chapin: [liturgical reading] A reading from Paul to the Corinthians. Take, eat…

[Cut to an old man sleeping]

Male voice: Looking for even more fun? Check up the Sherman where you’ll hear the softest Pastor joke followed by the softest parishioner laugh.

[Cut to Pastor Pat]

Pastor Pat: The wise men had to follow the north star for three weeks. And back then, they didn’t have map quest.

[Cut to Beck in the church slightly laughing alone.]

Male voice: And who’s that over there? [Cut to Filipino ladies filling up the church seats] It’s rows and rows of little Filipino ladies you’ve never seen before. But they must live nearby because this is their church. Plus, here all 44 verses of “O Come, All Ye Faithful.” We’re not skipping the Latin verses this mass.

[Cut to people in church singing in Latino.]

[Cut to Leslie talking to a person next to her.]

Leslie: Ay, is this song still about Jesus?

[Cut to Pastor Pat shaking hands with everybody]

Male voice: And at the end of the service, stay and have your mind blown by watching Pastor Pat walk to his house. [Devin is watching Pastor Pat.] It’s connected to the church. Trying to catch a quick glimpse inside. Wow, it’s just a little table in there. So, this Christmas, come to St. Joseph’s Christmas Mass Spectacular. It’s church but on a Thursday.