Tag: Devon

Weekend Update Devon Walker on Adjusting to New York City

Michael Che

Devin Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Season 48 is underway and things are going well. Here to talk about how he’s adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker.

[Devon Walker slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Devon Walker: Thank you for having me, Che.

Michael Che: Anytime, man. So how’s this whole experience been for you, man? You diggin New York?

Devon Walker: Not really. If I’m being honest, I think New York’s a little overrated.

Michael Che: Wow. Where are you from?

Devon Walker: I’m from Texas.

Michael Che: Oh, Texas.

[cheers]

Devon Walker: What? You know, I mean, honestly, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I’m from. All right? Every single time I tell the New Yorker I’m from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war. Every single time, they’re like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” They’ll say stuff like that. And it’s like Texas isn’t a perfect place. But every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that’s a normal thing to see. All right? Like, one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird. And the bird was winning. I told my homies from the neighborhood what I saw him, he goes, “Oh, that’s just Mike.” That’s what he said. And I know if he was talking about the kid or the bird. If you saw that in Texas, they’d shut Texas down forever, alright? Nobody would go to school or anything. They just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.

Michael Che: Well, you just got here. I’m sure you’ll start to fit in.

Devon Walker: Alright, speaking of fitting in, can I ask the audience a question real quick?

Michael Che: Okay.

Devon Walker: Hey, guys. Y’all think I look like a catcaller?

Audience: Yeah.

[laughing]

Devon Walker: I don’t think I look like one, but ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who’s doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. Sometimes I pass woman on the street and I see them look at me and they go like that. They try to dodge me real quick. And I know why it happens. All right? I’m a large man. Large men be responsible for a lot of bad things historically. But I’ve been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I’m not going to do anything weird. So anytime one tries to avoid me, I’ve just been whispering like “Ay, baby girl. Don’t worry about it. I’m regular.”

Michael Che: Why are you whispering?

Devon Walker: I don’t know, man. My body’s big. I’m trying to make my voice little, okay? It’s hard out here.

Michael Che: You might be overthinking it, Devin.

Devon Walker: I don’t think I am. Alright. Look, watch this. Watch this. Hey, real quick. Were my straight boys at? Yeah, morale is real low right now. If I would have asked that question in 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 Rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down. we get a lot of bad press right now. We get a lot of bad press. I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that’s what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.

Michael Che: Say what now?

Devon Walker: I said what I said, Michael, all right? Our culture is bad. We need to shift. Every single year 37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league. And I don’t think the straight communities knows that we don’t have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. Next time one of my homies asked me if I’m drafting Tom Brady, I swear I’ll be like, “Nah, dog, I’m trying to kiss you on the lips actually.”

Michael Che: Devon Walker, everybody.

Devon Walker: I’m gonna kiss Michael Che.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Zoo Pornographer

Janet Lorado Deekman…Cecily Strong

Alan Overbrook… Bobby Moynihan

Donna Hemming… Scarlett Johansson

Danny Bangs… Mikey Day

Devon… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good morning, good people, good news. It’s “Good day, Denver.”

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook in their set]

Janet Lorado Deekman: It’s 7 AM in Denver on this beautiful sunny day. I’m Janet Lorado Deekman along side Alan “fun tie” Overbrook. [making fun of Alan Overbrook’s yellow tie]

Alan Overbrook: What? Ha-ha-ha. This country is a mess. I thought I would help brighten things up with a fun tie.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah, bright is right! Where are my ray-bans?

Alan Overbrook:  Come on!

Janet Lorado Deekman: Lots going on this morning? But first, let’s check in with our field reporter, Donna Heming who is at the Denver zoo with Danny Bangs. Ah! Cool job alert. Professional animal pornographer.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Janet, Alan, it is a real zoo here. And for once I’m not talking about the i-25. Danny bangs has been photographing animals at the zoo for over 10 years. Now, Danny, how in the heck do you get an animal to smile for a photo?

Danny Bangs: Well, I find “say cheese” just makes them hungry.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman]

Janet Lorado Deekman: I’m sorry to interrupt. I have been told I misspoke and referred to Mr. Bangs as an animal pornographer instead of photographer. So, I’m very sorry. And I want to make it very clear that our guest is an animal photographer. Donna?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: I got you, Janet. Now, Danny, what is the secret to getting that perfect shot?

Danny Bangs: Well, the key is to make the animals feel comfortable. [The subtitle still has Danny Bangs as animal pornographer] I’ll do anything with them to get the shot I’ll play, be silly, even bribe them with treats.

Donna Hemming: Now what if an animal is in a bad mood? I imagine the lions are divas. Ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Well, no matter the mood, I love my job. When I get the call, no matter what animal it is, I always come right away. And if an animal is agitated, I find I still capture very real organic moments because there’s beauty in an animal’s raw natural state.

[Cut to Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: I’m sorry, Donna. Just jumping in real quick to let viewers know that our graphic is incorrect, our guest is an animal photographer. We are going to get that fixed. Why don’t you guys wake up back there? Ha-ha-ha. Back to you, Donna.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Thanks. oh, I see a lot of tweets coming in from the good day Denver live tweeters. You’ve got some fans, Danny.

Danny Bangs: Ooh!

Donna Hemming: @kareninaspen says, “Watching on mute at the gym. What the f is happening?” I guess she can’t believe you have such a cool job. How did you get started?

Danny Bangs: Well, I started with amateur stuff and I would put it online. And National Geographic saw my work, gave me a job and from there, I found my new home here at the Denver Denver Zoo.

Donna Hemming: Wow! We have more tweets here. @zoodarkweb asked, “This dude have any horse stuff?”

Danny Bangs: Sure do. And it’s in all my new book, “The Picture’s a Little Fuzzy: my decade at the Denver Zoo.” It’s very easy to navigate. I did the animals alphabetical. So I started on an Aardvark and finished on a Zebra. Very easy.

Donna Hemming: Well, I encourage everyone to buy the book. Now, a beautiful celebration of a decade’s work. Now, what is it like to work with these cute little baby animals?

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: [interrupting] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let’s not talk about baby animals, Donna.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah. Let’s keep the interview about adult consenting animals and can we please fix the graphics?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Well, okay. This book is filled with amazing snaps, but surely there must have been some misfires.

Danny Bangs: Oh, of course. Once I took about 1,000 pictures of this funny little monkey and I blew it. I got home. I realized there was no film in the camera.

Donna Hemming: Ha-ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Is it okay if I plug my website?

Donna Hemming: Yes, of course. We thought you might want to.

Danny Bangs: Yes, it’s dannybangsanimals.com. Visit it. We just got flagged.

[Devon walks in]

Devon: Pardon me?

Danny Bangs: Oh, Devon, hi. This is Devon. He works at the zoo. He’s a great guy.

Devon: Yeah, don’t touch me.

Danny Bangs: I’m sorry.

Devon: I have been asked to read a statement from the Denver zoo. The Denver zoo does not condone animal pornography in any form. Furthermore, Danny Bangs will no longer have access to animals at the zoo while we investigate the extent of his crimes.

Danny Bangs: Devon, what is this about?

Devon: You know what it’s about, you monster.

[Devon walks out]

Donna Hemming: Well, it certainly is getting wild down here at the Denver zoo. Back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Janet Lorado Deekman: All right. We have to take a quick break. When we return, the white house round-up and more details on the emerging Danny Bangs scandal at the Denver zoo.

Nephew Pageant | Season 44 Episode 17

Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant

Joshua… Kit Harrington

Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong

Devon… Kyle Mooney

Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Lucas… Mikey Day

Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones

Daniel… Chris Redd

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Nephewe Pagent intro]

Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.

[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]

Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.

This is Nephews 2019

Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]

Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.

[Cut to Aunt Carla]

Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.

[Devon joins Aunt Carla]

Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.

Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?

[Cut to Devon]

Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Correct!

[Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]

Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?

Devon: I can fix the printer.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.

[Cut to Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.

[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers

A nephew is a song you can hug

Happy birthday to all the nephews

Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?

[Cut to Lucas]

Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.

[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]

Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.

[Cut to Aunt Ro]

Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.

[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]

Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet

big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones

I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail

Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.

[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]

Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.

[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]

Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: Which one, judge?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy wins.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.

It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA