Lotto Drawing

Jim Bullock… Kenan Thompson

Wendy DiMichael… Aidy Bryant

Felix Cruz… Chris Redd

Shonda… Kim Kardashian

Ronda… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with WEJJ Channel 7 Eyewitness News intro] [Cut to Jim Bullock and Wendy DiMichael in their news set]

Jim Bullock: Welcome back to Channel 7 Eyewitness News, “You news it, you lose it!” Still working on that slogan.

Wendy DiMichael: I prefer mine. “News: It’s what happened recently.”

Jim Bullock: In just a minute, we’ll throw it over to Felix Cruz with sports.

Felix Cruz: I got all the scores for you baby, except baseball and football.

Jim Bullock: But first, it’s the live drawing of tonight’s power ball lotto jackpot.

Wendy DiMichael: Let’s go to Shonda at the lottery headquarters.

[Cut to Shonda]

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And the first ball up is three. The next is seven. The next is nine. And the last is ‘J’. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-7-9-J. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Shonda, I don’t think there’s supposed to be letters in the lotto drawing.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. Give us a second on that. In the meantime, let’s go to Ronda with the numbers for tonight’s double play.

Ronda: And thank you. I’m Ronda. Tonight’s double play jackpot is money. And first ball up is three. The next is 4000. The next is blank. And the last is Milwaukee Bucks. Making tonight’s winning numbers 3-4000-blank-Milwaukee Bucks. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: The numbers aren’t supposed to go above 10.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah. And was there a blank in there?

Jim Bullock: I also think that one of the balls from the NBA draft might have gotten mixed in. Maybe there’s an issue with the tubes feeding the balls up?

Wendy DiMichael: Well, let’s go back to Shonda who I’m told has the correct numbers this time. Shonda.

Shonda: And I’m Shonda. And you’re watching lotteries. The first ball up is three. The next is meatball. The next is meatball. And the last is bread. Making tonight’s lucky numbers, 3-meatball-meatball-bread. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Okay, those are the ingredients of a meatball hero.

Wendy DiMichael: Yeah, that’s what I ordered for lunch.

Jim Bullock: Maybe the lottery tube got switched with the tube from the Deli?

Wendy DiMichael: So, delis use tubes?

Jim Bullock: Just trying to piece this together in real time, Wendy. Why don’t we go back to Ronda who has the correct double play numbers?

Ronda: I sure do, Ronda. I’m Ronda. Good luck to all of you out there and me.

Wendy DiMichael: Oh. I don’t think you’re supposed to play.

Ronda: And the first ball up is cellphone. The next is car keys.

Jim Bullock: Oh god, now it’s just stuff from my dressing room.

Ronda: The next is wallet. And the last is condoms. Making tonight’s winning numbers cellphone-car keys-wallet-condoms. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Thank you, Ronda.

Wendy DiMichael: You bring condoms to work?

Jim Bullock: I think those were just lollipops with sticks broken off.

Felix Cruz: Hey, I got an update for you. Lottery lady – one, Jim – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Why don’t you focus on getting football and baseball?

Felix Cruz: They won’t tell me the scorers.

Wendy DiMichael: Alright. I’m being told that a repair man is fixing the tubes as we speak. So, Shonda should be ready now with the real numbers. Shonda?

Shonda: And I’m still Shonda. The first ball up is screwdriver. The next is mustache. The next is finger. And the last is blood. Making tonight’s winning numbers screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. Back to you, Jim.

Jim Bullock: Oh my god!

Wendy DiMichael: I know. She only throws back to you. What about “Back to you Jim and Wendy”?

Jim Bullock: You’re pointing that out now?

Felix Cruz: I got another update for you. Tubes – one, repair man – zero. Ha-ha-ha.

Jim Bullock: Dumb! Let’s take a break and sort this out. And hey, our apologies to Diana Ross ho has been sitting here patiently in the studio.

Diana Ross: Screwdriver-mustache-finger-blood. I won!

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: Channel 7 Eyewitness News. “News: It’s what’s happened recently.”

Family Feud Time Travel Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Liza Minnelli… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Sasheer Zamata

Mick Jagger… Harry Styles

John Travolta… Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Stewart… Kate McKinnon

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

David Blaine… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Oh, yes. Yeah, okay, now. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here, we got stars from 2017 going up against stars from 1977. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How the hell did this time travel thing happen?” Here’s my answer. I don’t know. I come to work. I don’t ask no questions. Then they give me a check. And I go to one of the other four TV shows that I do made specially for black women taking a sick day. Alright, let’s meet our players. First up on the 1977 side, the actors from the movie Cabaret, is Liza Minnelli.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli.]

Liza Minnelli: Oh. Outlandish, the set! Look at this wall. It’s the most wonderful thing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha. You know? It always feels like somebody just freed you from a bubble. Okay, next up, we got the original Beyonce, Ms. Diana Ross.

[Cut to Diana Ross]

Diana Ross: Thank you, Steve. Thank you all of you. My smile’s as big as my hair.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, yeah, I love your hair. But I feel bad for the 10 bald ladies somewhere in India right now. Next up, we got rock and roll legend, Mick Jagger.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Hello there, Steve. A lovely show. It’s a bit of fun in it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! I love the stones. I even love your latest stuff when you weren’t solo.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Solo? Um, why would anyone in successful band go solo? That is insane.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, some people do it. And finally, we got the star Saturday Night Fever, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Thanks. This is like crazy. Can’t believe it. I like this game show, right. Like, the lights and everything is really crazy. Oh, my god.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if somebody taught a pizza how to talk. Okay, let’s go to team 2017. First up, we got actress from Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Dude. I don’t know. I’m just like, so excited. I’m so honored to be here. I don’t know. Whatever.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you look like a witch cursed you not to smile but you’re trying anyway. Next, we got singer and judge on The Voice, Gwen Stefani.

[Cut to Gwen Stefani]

Gwen Stefani: What’s up? This is really cool to be here, Steve. Let me hear you holla back, girl.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I can’t tell if you’re trying to be black or asian. Next, we got magician and all around creep show, David Blaine.

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: Uh! I’m so excited to be here. This is amazing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you not going to do that thing where you puke up frogs, are you?

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: [raises his glass] No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. And finally, we’ve got the start of the People vs O.J. Simpson, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Oh, such a joyous thing. Specially you, the wonderfully talented Starvey Hivson.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute, there’s two of you. Man, this is freaky!

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Actually, it’s a beautiful, magical thing, Starvey. It’s a joyous thing. It’s the most interesting work I’ve done since my mini-series about O.J.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli]

Liza Minnelli: Oh! O.J. Simpson! Oh, I adore the ‘Juiced.’

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You might want to hold on for few years on that thing. Okay, let’s play the feud. Give me Liza, give me Kristen. Let’s do this.

[Liza Minnelli and Kristen Stewart walk front]

Liza Minnelli: Oh, my, look at you. You’re just– you’re a poor little orphan boy, but you’re so beautiful.

Steve Harvey: Okay, 100 people surveyed–

Liza Minnelli: 100 people! Oh, what a great crowd.

Steve Harvey: Lord, I know you brought this woman here to test me. Okay, top four answers on the board. Name something that keeps you up at night. [buzzer sound] Kristen.

Kristen Stewart: I don’t know, dude. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just like, I’m sleeping and I’m waiting for the next day coz I’m excited. I don’t know. Whatever. Whatever.

Steve Harvey: You almost said something that I can understand. I commend your poet. Show me some kind of mumbo-jumbo.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Nope, it’s not there. Liza, something that keeps you up at night.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, everything. Absolutely everything. But lately it’s been a terrible unqualified president Jimmy Carter. He’s just a peanut farm.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I’m not going to tell her. Show me president Waka-doo!

[The answer is in second place]

Oh! Man! You know, what’s true then is even truer now.

[Steve Harvey walks to team 1977]

Okay, team 1977 has it. Let’s go to Diana Ross.

Diana Ross: [yelling] Thank you!

Steve Harvey: Something that keeps you up at night.

Diana Ross: Well, Steve, I have this terrible dream where I’m out in public and I look down, and I’m not wearing sequin.

Steve Harvey: Girl, you make crazy look good. Show me some kin of vodka hallucination.

[The answer is in fourth place]

Ay! Number four. Alright, let’s go to Mick Jagger. Something that keeps you up at night.

Mick Jagger: Um, well, um, if I’m up, it’s because I’ve got a little manky-panky. Ah!

Steve Harvey: I don’t know what you saying. But I know what you saying. Show me getting all kinds of nasty.

[The answer is in third place]

Alright, you got it. You got three. Final turn goes to young Travolta.

John Travolta: Well, it’s just like crazy. I gotta say, you know, what keeps me up night, it’s like, I’m afraid of getting older, you know? What’s gonna happen to my career? What’s gonna happen to Sandy? What’s gonna happen to my beautiful hair.

Steve Harvey: Well, young Travolta, I gotta tell. I bet 2017 John Travolta know a thing or two about that, right there. I think that you’ll be fine. As older man, you know you’ll have a long career. You’re gonna be doing lots of movies. Great movies. Ain’t that right, 2017 John Travolta?

John Travolta: Absolutely. John, you’re going to be fantastic. It’s about journey of life and how beautiful and joyous it is.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you see that, young John Travolta? You gotta great career ahead of you. You ain’t got nothing to worry about. Okay, young Travolta? So, next time you worried about something, don’t be worried about it, right young Travolta?

John Travolta: Yes. I’m never gonna worry about it again. I feel so much better now. So I’m gonna say what keeps me up at night is this weird feeling that one day Nicholas Cage is gonna try to steal my place.

Steve Harvey: Yeah. I’d worry about that too. Show Nicholas Cage might steal your face.

[The answer is in the first place]

Oh! Number one answer. Alright, 1977 has it. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’m gonna ask these 1977 people what they think the words ‘Barack Obama’ means. We’ll see ya. Y’all know what I mean.