Tag: Dies

Weekend Update Robert Durst Dies New Maya Angelou Quarter

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Robert Durst at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir who murdered his friend and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. [picture changes to three children of Donald J. Trump]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a coin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The late Maya Angelou has become the first black woman featured on the quarter, which is not what black people mean when we demand change.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a phone at left top of the corner.]

Colin Jost: Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor.

[Picture changes to Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Domino’s chicken wings at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, royal duties. Domino’s is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals and I really wish I’d known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe. Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a bar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering on site COVID tests for customers. They plan to use a much less invasive technique where they sort of just grind around the outside.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taco Bell– This is a terrible transition. Oh god. Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco every day for $Colin Jost0 a month. Which kind of sounds like an insult in a rap battle. This bitch so fast he got a subscription to tacos.

Weekend Update Mr. Peanut Dies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Derek Jeter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Derek Jeter was voted in to the Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association who was one vote shy of unanimous decision. In case you’re wondering if Derek Jeter ever slept with a baseball writer’s wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a navy ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US navy has for the first time ever named an aircraft carried in honor of an African-American sailor. And he must have been pretty brave joining the navy not knowing how to swim. I am just kidding. But the ship will be called ‘The USS guy from the village people’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop showing ‘XXX’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular porn website has suffered a massive data breach that exposed user’s identities and credit card numbers. “Wait, which porn site?” Said your husband just now?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female sign at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new report. in 257 years, women around the world will be paid the same as men. So, stop complaining!

[Picture changes to Planters cartoon]

In a recent commercial, Planters peanuts announced that the company mascot Mr. Peanut has died. In accordance with his wishes he has been [Picture changes to peanut butter] cream-maded. Alright. I get that you like that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gritty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Philadelphia are investigating claims that Flyers mascot Gritty punched a 13 year old boy in the back. But I just can’t picture Gritty doing something like that. I mean look at him, he wouldn’t punch a kid in the back. He’s more of a leap out of the shadow and stick you with a syringe kind of guy. You know?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A goat has been born in India with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. “Wow! Crazy! How did that happen?” said a lonely farmer. Whatever, man! Whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing and pointing at Michael Che]

Whatever.