Kyle Mooney[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]
Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.[Cut to inside of a house.]
You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]
First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?
And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department![Cut to the living room]
When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.
Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.
Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.
Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!
Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.
Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.[Kenan walks in]
Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?
Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]
Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.