Weekend Update Dilma Rousseff

Colin Jost

Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.

[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.] [cheers and applause]

Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.

Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.

Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.

Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.

Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff andColin Jost]

Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–

Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.

Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.

Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.

Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.

Colin Jost: Dilma

Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.

Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?

Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.

Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”

[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.] [Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.

[drums playing] [Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]

Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.