COVID Dinner Discussion

Kate McKinnon

John Mulaney

David… Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

Gina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with three couple having dinner]

Kate: I’m so glad we’re doing this. My favorite restaurant with my favorite people.

John: Honey, I agree, 100%

David: You know what? This is so fun. Dinner is on us.

Bowen: Oh, wow. But um, Keith, you know you can take your mask off the table.

David: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know I’m wearing it half the time.

Kate: I heard the CDC is gonna lift all mask mandates soon.

Aidy: Oh, yeah. I know.

John: It’s so weird. It’s like COVID is not over, but it’s just gonna stop. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Gina: Oh, you know, that reminds me of this article I wrote–

Bowen: Honey, no one wants to hear about that.

Gina: What? It was in Bloomberg. And I thought it was interesting.

Kate: What? What article?

Gina: Well, it was–

Bowen: Honey!

Gina: It was just saying how mask mandates had, I don’t know, little to no effect on COVID.

[drum roll] [Everyone is nervous now]

I am sorry.. It’s not like I’m anti mask or anything. I just sometimes wonder if any of the things we did actually helped.

Bowen: Gina.

David: No, no. We can talk about this incredibly complicated and emotional topic.

Kate: Yes, yes. Of course. I will start because for instance, while I am so personally relieved that I’m vaccinated–

John: Careful…

Kate: I sometimes wonder if other people who are hesitant–

Aidy: Careful…

Kate: Might not have like a valid not valid–

David: What…?

Kate: Not valid, but understandable–

Bowen: Not tonight…

Kate: Help me.

John: I think what she means is maybe sometimes we are a little overzealous when we condemn–

Aidy: Oh no…

John: I just think that if people are actually losing their jobs–

Aidy: Oh no…

David: Careful, girl.

John: Look, vaccines save lives. Fact. Okay, they stopped the hospitals from being overrun. Fact.

Gina: Where are you up to?

John: But did I have to dump my oldest friend just because he didn’t get–

Kate: No… no… no…

John: A booster?

[drum roll] [David’s tie rolls up. Bowen is checking his blood pressure. Aidy hides her face inside her bag. John pulls out his teeth. Kate shuts her face. Gina snaps the Thanos gauntlet and disappears.]

Bowen: Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun. Isn’t there’s something happy we can talk about?

Kate: No, no, we started this. We need to finish it. David go make sense of this please.

David: Oh, okay. Well I think the biggest mistake the administration made was not providing more testing.

John: But the UK had done tons of testing and had even more COVID.

Kate: Well, at least Biden finally sent out all those tests over Christmas.

Gina: You mean the two tests for a family of eight that froze in the mail?

Aidy: Okay, well, at least we have the CDC. I mean, they haven’t always been perfect, but the science changed.

David: How does science change? When I make a mistake at work, I don’t get to say the science changed.

Bowen: At least we had outdoor dining.

John: Oh, you mean when they built a smaller restaurant in the street? How was that outdoor?

Kate: Look, I went to a child’s birthday party, self careful. And they did gymnastics in masks, don’t, and then they went into another room and took off their masks to eat pizza. This is the end of me. So did they really need the mask? Oh, no! Did any of us ever need the mask?

All: Noooo!

[scary music] [scary clips playing]

Kate: My god. My god. I’m so glad I said that out loud. Of course we needed the mask. We need it. We may not know for years the full extent of what we’ve been through but we did our best and we’re gonna get through this.

David: Amen.

John: When an anti Vaxxer gets it, I feel happy.

David: No, you don’t. No, you don’t.

Kate: Well, we don’t have to wash our hands anymore. Do we?

John: Ha-ha-ha. I never did.

Marcus Comes to Dinner

Richard… Sam Rockwell

Aidy Bryant

Tim… Alex Moffat

Marcus… Chris Redd

[Starts with Richard and Aidy waiting for the guests in home]

Richard: What time are Tim and his friend coming over?

Aidy: Okay, it’s Tim’s boyfriend, Richard. If we’re going to make an effort then we really have to make an effort.

Richard: Yeah. Boyfriend. I’m sorry. Their light has part I don’t like.

[Cut to Tim and Marcus outside the door.]

Tim: Yeah. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. Just we’ll be out of here in like an hour, tops. Okay?

Marcus: Yeah. If you say so.

Tim: Yeah.

Marcus: Um, do they know I’m a pornstar?

Tim: What? No. No. God. I didn’t tell them that. Why would I tell them that you are a pornstar?

[Aidy opens the doory]

Aidy: Timmy?

[Tim and Marcus walk inside the door]

Tim: Hey!

Aidy: Oh, come on in here, guys.

Richard: Hey.

Tim: How are you doing?

Richard: [looks at Marcus] Wait, um. Never mind.

Marcus: Oh.

Tim: Um, you know, we’re really happy to see you guys.

Aidy: Of course. Have a seat, you guys. You know, we are so happy to have our little angel home and you must be Marcus.

Marcus: Yes, ma’am.

Richard: Does Marcus seem familiar to you?

Aidy: How so?

Richard: I don’t know. Marcus, do I know you?

Marcus: Nah, we never met.

Richard: Really? I feel like I see you all the time. Are you working at that coffee shop on second or something? Where do I know you from? What do you do?

Marcus: Some freelance stuff.

Tim: You know, Marcus is a dental hygienist. He cleans teeth. It’s all he does.

[Aidy has a wine and wine opener in her hands]

Aidy: Oh, well, sweetie, there’s no need to be tensed. Your father and I are very much happy that both of you are here. You know, I am struggling with this thing. Can one of you open it?

Marcus: Oh, definitely. I will definitely.

[Marcus gets the wine bottle and the opener. He puts it between his legs and he is making noises while using his strength.]

Richard: I would disagree on a lot son. I’m getting used to your lifestyle. We can still be a fit family. [Richard is looking at Marcus making noises with a bottle between his legs] I was thinking maybe you could join us at church sometime.

Marcus: So hard sometimes, you know?

Richard: God, where do I know you from?

Tim: Hey, dad! Dad, can you just drop it?

Richard: You work at a Crunch? I know I’ve seen you.

Marcus: Yeah. That’s becoming very clear. Very clear.

Aidy: Well, you know boys, I got those sneaker doodle cookies that you like. They’re in the kitchen. You know, the thing about these two boys is that they share everything the same. They got the same taste in everything.

Marcus: Yeah. I’m very popular with certain type of democraphic.

Tim: Um, mom, how’s Kathleen?

Aidy: Well, she’s out of control. I mean she has two tattoos. Now, you don’t have any tattoos, do you Tim?

Tim: No, mom.

Aidy: What about you, Marcus?

Marcus: Well, I got a couple.

Richard: Couple of guns right above your butt. Oh! You’re a gay pornstar. That’s what it is. I feel so stupid. I got one of my top tier gay pornstar in my house and we’re giving him cookies. I can’t believe I wore this shirt to meet Marco Pumpgood like an idiot. I have cuter shirts, just so you know. See, I got confused earlier because you kind of look like Jason Thrust. But I thought, “No, no, he hasn’t been with the cocky boys for like..”, I don’t know, three years. But, you both went on that Palm Springs getaway together? Boy! As soon as I saw that trailer, that’s when I finally subscribed. Just bootlegging off that tube size for that but I wasn’t about to wait a whole week for that scene. Well, [walks to the door and gets his coat] anyhow, I guess I’m getting a divorce. Now, I’m probably stepping down this pastry. Goodbye, family.

[Richard walks out]

Aidy: Well, okay. So, that was a lot to take.

[Richard walks in again and takes his laptop with him]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And you’re gonna need your laptop. Sure. Okay. Well, so, Pumpgood, is that Irish or?

Marcus: Um, no, ma’am. It’s from porn.

Aidy: Yeah. I know that. It was a joke. My marriage just fell apart. Will you let me have one thing?

[The end]