Pizza Ad

Director… Mikey Day

Mrs. Richard… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Richard… Will Farrell

Daughter… Heidi Gardner

Son… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a commercial director briefing the Richard’s family]

Director: What’s up Richard’s family? Winners of bertucci pizza, no. 1 fan contest. We are pumped to have you guys in our commercial.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: We’re so excited. Ha-ha.

Mr. Richard: This is cool for us.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah, we eat here like everyday.

Son: It’s legit, like, good.

[Cut to Director]

Director: Okay, great. So, the commercial will be you guys just talking about the pizza being yourselves.

Mr. Richard: Oh, stuff like, “Nice pizza!”

Mrs. Richard: Or like, “On, nummy, nummy! I’m all horned up for this pizza!”

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Eww! Mom, no.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? Come on! It makes me wanna do my horny dance.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: No! Oh, my god!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: What? It’s a commercial. Sex sells.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! We’re being embarrassing. Don’t like, ruin this!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard and Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: Yeah, honey! Don’t get us fired before we get started!

[Cut to Director]

Director: No way! You guys are going to be great, okay? Mom, just trying to keep it natural. Alright? Okay, action!

[Cut to
Mr. Richard]

Mr. Richard: This is some cheesy pizza.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: This is so good.

Son: Best pizza ever!

[Cut to Mrs. Richard. She is staring at the floor.]

Director: Hey, mom! You wanna eat that pizza?

Mrs. Richard: No!

Director: You don’t?

Mrs. Richard: No! Not now. I don’t want to.

Director: Are you doing okay mom?

Mrs. Richard: I’m great! I’m gonna go, I’ll be waiting in the car. Cold and starving.

Director: Alright, and cut! [Cut to everybody] Um, come on! No way, mom, we need you. Dad, kids, great job. And mom, let’s just try to keep it fun, okay?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom, be happy. Please.

[Cut to Director]

Director:Yeah, alright? You guys ready? Okay. Here we go. And, action!

[Cut to the Richard’s family]

Director: How about some pepperoni?

Mr. Richard: Well, heck yes!

Son and Daughter: Alright!

Director: And mom? I think you want some of our famous garlic nuts.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, it doesn’t matter what I want.

Director: Come on! Everybody loves garlic nuts.

Mrs. Richard: How can I eat it if I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut?

Director: No way, mom! Come on! Chow down, mom!

Mrs. Richard: Just give me the crust, from the trash. Whatever the raccoons don’t want. I’m a raccoon. I stink like a skank!

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Mom, what?

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: I’m a skanky skank! I run my skank ass off because moms are skank.

Director: And cut! [Cut to everybody] Cut, cut, cut! Um, can we kind of check in with mom here?

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Son: Mom! Chill! We were just kidding.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: Well, you made fun of me all day.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yea, just because everything you say is weird and bad.

[Cut to Mrs. Richard]

Mrs. Richard: You know what? Just film them. I shouldn’t have come. I missed my volunteering for this. I teach typing on Deathrow. Those men appreciate me.

[Mrs. Richard stands and walks away.] [Cut to Director]

Director: Yeah! Um, let’s give mom a breather and why don’t we just get some B roll of you guys. And dad, do me a favor, just talk to the kids like you’re having dinner, whatever the three of you normally talk about, okay? Alright, and action.

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids. They are awkward.]

Mr. Richard: How’s your period? And son, fight me.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Dad! Awkward!

[Cut to Mr. Richard and his kids.]

Director: Okay, looks like dad’s kind of lost without mom. Let’s just go back to talking about pizza. [Cut to Mr. Richard acting upset.] Hey dad, you like sausage? Oh, no, dad! Oh, no!

Mr. Richard: I can’t do anything without your mother. Okay? Anything! Once she went out of town honey, I put bleach on my cereal. I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I thought it was milk. I hired a prostitute to show me how the oven worked. [He starts crying]

Director: Okay, oh, no dad! Looks like you’re crying. What’s going on bud?

Mr. Richard: She is the greatest woman in the world.

[Mrs. Richard walks in]

Mrs. Richard: Oh dear!

Mr. Richard: She helped me believe in Santa Clause until I was 28 years old. And what did I give her in return? At our wedding, I sneezed on the alter. Broke her nose with my head. Last Christmas, your mother was being attacked by a bat in the garage. She told me to get a shovel. I went to a bar. I f-ing love her.

Director: Okay, this isn’t really about pizza anymore.

Mrs. Richard: Oh, Jerry. You’re my king.

[Cut to Daughter and Son]

Daughter: Yeah! Dad’s right. We need you. You’re our mom.

[Cut to the Richards]

Mrs. Richard: What did you say?

Daughter: You’re our mom.

Son: Yeah! You’re our mom.

Mr. Richard: [whispering] You’re our mom!

Mrs. Richard: I sure am. And thank god. You make me a mommy and that’s all I ever wanted to be.

Mr. Richard: So, what do you say we all get horned up for this pizza?

All: Yeah!

Announcer: Bertucci’s, horny for family.

[Cheers and applause]

The Actress – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Emma Stone

Director … Beck Bennett

[Starts with Emma driving to her work]

Narration: I’ve been trying to make it as an actress for years, but I was sick of doing commercials of playing one dimensional women with vacant lives. Then one day, life came knocking. This time with the challenge.

[Cut to shooting set]

Emma Stone: Excuse me. Hello. I’m grace. Are you the director of the film?

[Cut to the director]

Director: What?

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I’m the lead actress. I play the woman who gets cheated on the gay porn.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: I wanted to ask you about my line if you have a moment. I open the door, and I say, “Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.” Like that?

[Cut to a young boy working out behind the director] [Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Is that my god son?

[Cut to the director]

Director: Yeah.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Fascinating.

[Cut to the director]

Director: You’ll put on whatever you want from the woman thing. You’ll get your mean voucher after we wrap.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Oh, thank you. [Emma goes to change] Oh, Lube.

Narration: [Emma goes through the woman’s stuff] The director’s method was guidance regarding the character. All I had were clues, pieces, a puzzle of the woman’s life. Two pairs of loose sweat pants, a single ugg boot, a couple of batteries and some happy 2017 glasses. Who are you, Deirdre? That’s the name I gave her. [Cut to the director talking to other actors] The first scene was rough.

Director: Action!

[Emma walks in]

Narration: I was having trouble finding her.

Emma Stone: I’m going to the mall. Perhaps I’ll get some flowers to brighten up the place. The house could use some color, no? If you need me, you can reach me on my cell phone.

[Cut to the director]

Director: Cut. Just say what’s in the script.

[Cut to Emma and the director]

Emma Stone: I was just trying to act as Deirdre.

Director: There’s nothing to her. People are just going to scroll past you so they can get off. She has no past, no future. She exists only to be cheated on. Say what’s on the script.

Emma Stone: Thank you.

Director: Action!

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: Jared, I’m getting my nails at the mall. Now teach my godson push-ups right before our wedding, Jared.

Director: Cut. That’s great. [Cut to the director] Nice and flat. On the real stuff . If you don’t want to watch, you can sit on a folding chair just outside. I’ll call you when it’s time for you to catch them in the act.

[Cut to Emma]

Emma Stone: When they betray me.

[Cut to Emma sitting at the side of the swimming pool practicing her lines]

Narration: I was riddled.

Emma Stone: Jared, how could you?

Narration: I didn’t know if I would find Deirdre in time.

Emma Stone: Not with my god son. Jared, Jared.

Director: Wife, we’re ready for you.

Narration: And then just when I thought she’d never come to me.

[Emma goes to the set]

Director: Action.

[Cut to Emma]

Narration: She did.

Emma Stone: Jared, what are you doing? Not with my god son.

[Cut to Emma’s depiction of her character’s past]

Narration: I saw the rich and beautiful back story of this woman. Her childhood, her first job. The night she met Jared.

Crowd: Three, two, one, happy new year!

[Cut to Jared and Deirdre]

Narration: The promises she was told.

Jared: I will love you, a woman, forever.

Narration: Her god son’s 18th birthday.

[Cut to Deirdre and her god son]

Deirdre: I know how much you like batteries.

Narration: And all another times she was blindsided by life.

Deirdre: Jared, someone broke in and stole my left ugg boot. Jared, you have a second cell phone? Jared, why is my god son sleeping over?

Narration: I felt the bruises and scars from the past. I saw what led her here.

[Cut to Deirdre talking to her god son]

Deirdre: You would never hurt me.

Narration: And I saw her in the present walking in on the love of her life with her god son. [Cut to Emma on her shooting set] And then Deirdre took over and said –

Emma Stone: Jared, I forgive you.

Director: Cut. [Cut to the director] We’ll edit that out. Just give her the meal voucher.

[Cut to Emma getting in her car]

Emma Stone: Deirdre, how do I get you out of me? I can’t take you with me. I’m sorry. This is it. Good bye. [Emma puts her hands on steering wheel] Oh, how did I get lube on me?