Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

Horns

Doctor… John Mulaney

Lucian… Luke Null

Trina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a doctor speaking to his patient]

Doctor: Well, Lucian, you’ve come to the right place. I know this was a hard decision but I think your life is gonna be a lot better once we remove your horn implant.

[Lucian has horns implanted on his forehead as a bodymodification. He has his lips and ears pierced too.]

Lucian: Yeah. It’ll just be nice to have a flat forehead again. It’s been so long since I’ve slept on my face.

Doctor: As soon as you’re comfortable, we can schedule the surgery.

Lucian: Um, Im’ sorry, I haven’t told my girlfriend yet. Can she come in here even if she doesn’t have insurance?

Doctor: Of course.

Lucian: Sweet. [shouting out] Trina!

[Trina walks in. He has her hair dyed green]

Trina: Why are we in a doctor’s office, Lucian? Am I pregnant?

Lucian: No, babe. You can’t get pregnant from the sex we have. Sit down.

Trina: Oh. That’s what I thought. But then I was like, maybe? I don’t know.

Lucian: Trina, the reason that you’re here is because I’m thinking about getting rid of my horns. Having them removed.

Trina: What? Did you just say you’re getting your horns removed?

Lucian: Yeah.

Trina: Why?

Lucian: Well, you know how I can’t get any jobs anywhere?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think the horns are why.

Trina: You do?

Doctor: I’d have to agree. They’re terrible. I think if Lucian wants to remove his horns, we should support him.

Trina: Wait. Are the horns like, hurting him medically?

Doctor: No. They’re not hurting him. They just make him look like he has a bad past.

Lucian: And I wanna get rid of em’, Trina, okay? Like, you know how your dad and your brother won’t speak to me?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think it’s because I’m a human with horns.

Trina: You do?

Lucian: I do. They don’t like it.

Doctor: Most people mistrust men with horns.

Trina: Okay. I’m sorry. Where did you do your doctor degree thing?

Doctor: I attended Harvard medical.

Trina: Is that good? I don’t know. It sounds sketched to me. Okay, so wait. Like, if you get your horns removed then what else are you changing?

Lucian: Nothing. I’m keeping my gazes. My eyebrows are staying gone. The nine volt battery that’s inside my nose where the cartilage used to be, staying.

Doctor: Oh, god!

Trina: So, I mean, what? Are you just gonna have your calf holes sewn up too? Or?

Lucian: Babe, I’m keeping my calf holes open, okay? You’ll still be able to see bone.

Trina: What about tissue?

Lucian: Yeah. You’ll be able to see all the meat inside my leg, I promise.

Doctor: May we pause for a second. You calves are just an open wound?

Trina: Argh! It’s just gonna be so weird with you not having horn.

Doctor: I’m sorry, you didn’t answer me. Your bone and muscles are visible via calf hole?

Lucian: The horns are just a lot, Trina. Like, you know how that goat at the petting zoo kept trying to challenge me?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think it’s because he thought I was a rival goat coz I have horns.

Trina: You do?

Lucian: Yes.

Trina: I don’t know. I mean, I’m trying to understand.

Lucian: Are you trying to understand, Trina? Because I understood when you got your butt cheeks removed as a joke.

Trina: Excuse me? I did that as a prank. Okay? If I would have done it alone, it would have been a joke. But I had my mom watch, so it’s a prank. Thank you.

Doctor: Okay. I gotta cut in here again. You got your butt cheeks removed as a joke?

Trina: As a prank! I’m sorry. Where did you go to school?

Doctor: Harvard. I’ve told you this.

Trina: [sigh] I’m sorry. I forgot. I mean, my whole life is about to change. [Trina pulls out a spray paint] Do you mind if I do a bad?

Doctor: I’d ask that you not huff paint in my office. [Trina gets upset] It’s not me. It’s the building. Look, 75% of people who get fake horns end up having them removed within six months.

Trina: So, that means the other 25% get more horn put in?

Doctor: No. That’s not at all what I’m saying. It’s very stupid that you would think that.

Trina: Oh! I’m just imagining you with no horns. It’s pissing me off. You’re gonna look like banker.

Doctor: No. He’s not. Even without the horns, he’ll still be a walking disaster. He’s what we in plastic surgery call completely ruined.

Lucian: See?

Trina: Okay, fine. But you’ll keep everything else?

Lucian: I’m keeping everything else.

Trina: Are you gonna keep your butt crack a zipper?

Lucian: Hey.

Trina: Are you?

Lucian: You have my word.

Doctor: May I see your calf holes?

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Doctor’s Orders

Doctor… Jessica Chastain

Chad… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Doctor visiting a patient]

Doctor: Well, I have the first good news in weeks. The infection stopped spreading. You’re gonna make a full recovery. We almost lost you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

[emotional happy music playing in the background]

Doctor: I have to say, I am going to miss you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: And I– [Doctor sits on patient’s bed] I think I’ve fallen in love with you, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: I know you must have a million thoughts racing through your mind. [Doctor stands and looks away] You are driving me crazy. Every time I look at you, I just want to climb on that bed and make sweet love to you.

Chad: Nice.

[Chad is lowering his patient bad to make it horizontal]

Doctor: But we can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad lifts his patient bed again]

Doctor: I’m your doctor, for god’s sake.

Chad: Okay.

Doctor: But I must confess. [Doctor opens her hair bun] I’ve fantasized about lying on your chest as you play with my hair. Talking about our lives. [whispering] Our hopes. Our dreams.

Chad: I peed. [Chad passes Doctor his urine bowl. Doctor takes it and puts it away.]

Doctor: I understand if my argument lacks validity.

Chad: Ha-ha. Titty.

Doctor: But it can never happen. I would be fired for becoming involve with a patient. Is it crazy that I would be willing to risk my entire career to be with you, Chad?

[Doctor turns around. Chad is gone.]

Chad?

[Doctor walks out of the patient’s room. She looks around. Chad is running around on automatic wheelchair.]

Chad, could you please come back here for a moment?

Chad: Okay.

[Chad walks in and lies on the bed]

Doctor: As a doctor, I listened to hearts everyday. It’s time I listen to my own. It wants you, Chad. Ooh, god, it’s racing right now.

[Chad is looking at his genitals]

Chad: Yo, is that a zip or herpes?

Doctor: [looking at Chad’s genitals] I think it’s a little ingrown hair.

Chad: Dope!

Doctor: Now, get some sleep, young man. And dream about me. [Doctor leans towards Chad’s ear and whispers] Doctor’s orders.

Chad: Okay.

[Doctor walks to the door, stops and looks behind]

Doctor: And Chad.

[Chad is already sleeping.] [door knocking] [Mikey walks in with Chad’s food.] [to Mikey] You know, I never asked how he got sick?

Mikey: Oh, his friend dared him to eat dog turd.

[Doctor looks at Chad]

Doctor: God, that’s sexy.

Nursing Home

Mrs. Conor… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Grammy… Kate McKinnon

Doctor… Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with Mrs. Conor and Mikey visiting Grammy in elderly nursing home]

Mrs. Conor: Hey, Grammy.

Mikey: Like you shoes, grammy. Pretty sharp.

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: I’m really glad you both came by to visit Maureen. I know this is a long driver for you two.

Mikey: Of course, doctor. We’ve got to make sure Grammy knows we still care about her.

Mrs. Conor: So, how has she been? Is she adjusting okay?

Doctor: She’s getting along just fine, Mrs. Conor.

Mrs. Conor: Are you making any friends yet, Grammy?

Doctor: She’s making plenty of friends.

Mikey: She seems a little out of it today. Is she okay?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She’s a little grumpy because she just got her penicillin shot. She doesn’t exactly love needles.

Mrs. Conor: Penicillin? What’s wrong?

Doctor: Just a little gonorrhea. Well, I’ll leave you three alone to sort of–

Mrs. Conor: What?

Mikey: Gonorrhea?

Doctor: There’s no need to panic. It’s very treatable. It should be  cleared up in a week or so.

Mikey: How did this happen?

Doctor: We think sex.

Mrs. Conor: She’s 91 years old. [Grammy is smiling]

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, your grandmother may be 91 but she still has a very active sex life.

Mikey: So you let them have sex here?

Doctor: She’s an adult woman of sound mind. She can do whatever she wants. Casual sex between residents is actually very common in nursing homes. It’s really not that big a deal.

Mikey: Well, can’t you at least give them protection so that they are safe?

Doctor: of course, but we can’t make them use it. We can barely get them to put in their teeth. You know how stubborn your grandma can be.

Mikey: So, which one of these old dudes gave my grandma gonorrhea?

Doctor: This time, we don’t know.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. What do you mean this time? She got it more than once?

Doctor: Eight.

Mikey: She got gonorrhea eight times?

Doctor: We’re not exactly sure who is giving it to whom at this point. There’s sort of a round Robin situation between her and six or so other residents.

Mrs. Conor: They’re taking advantage of her.

Doctor: Believe me. Nobody is taking advantage of her, Mrs. Conor. She’s running a train. They’re running a train but she’s the conductor.

[Grammy is giving a bad-ass smile]

Mrs. Conor: They’re all in there at the same time?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes. It would.

Doctor: I see.

Mrs. Conor: [to Grammy] Grammy, how could you?

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, relax. It’s actually really sweet. After every encounter, the gentlemen even leave her a single rose.

[There are a pile of roses on her table]

Mikey: Oh my god! All of that is for sex? Doctor, what can we do to stop this?

Doctor: She’s not doing anything wrong. And frankly, it is great for morale. Since Maureen has joined the home, riots have been way down. From the residents to the staff, everyone is happier with Maureen around.

Mrs. Conor: She’s not sleeping with staff too?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes!

Doctor: I see.

Mikey: that’s it. We are taking her out of this nursing home.

Doctor: Well, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Conor: Why can’t we?

Doctor: Because she’s asleep.

[Grammy is acting like she’s asleep]

Mikey: Okay, well then, when she wakes up.

Doctor: Alright, fine. But it’s still gonna happen. Just somewhere else. Your grandma likes to bang. Just let her. Look, getting old is tough. It can get lonely here. A lot of residents here want to give up on life.

Mrs. Conor: Oh.

Mikey: Wow.

Doctor: But then we send your grandmother to their room, and she convinces them that there is still a reason to go on living like only she can. By letting her go nuts on them.

Mikey: That’s disgusting.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. Maybe he’s right.

Mikey: You know, I guess if it really means that much to the home and grammy is happy, then fine by me.

Mrs. Conor: Me too.

Grammy: Me too. Ha-ha!

All: Grammy?

Enhancement Drug

Dwayne Johnson

Doctor… Kyle Mooney

Friend… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group of people working at the construction site.]

Dwayne: You know, when I hit 50, my body went through a big change and not for the better. Severe erectile dysfunction shattered my confidence, sent me into depression and almost ruined my marriage. And believe me, I tried everything. But then a friend told me about Xentres. So I tried it and I worked.

Female voice: Xentres is the strongest male-enhancement drug on the market. It increases blood flow, boosts testosterone and ends erectile dysfunction instantly.

Dwayne: So I asked my doctor about Xentrex, and he said, “Xentrex? What the hell is Xentrex?” And I said, “Xentrex! It’s the strongest male-enhancement drug in the world and it works.” And he said he never heard of it. So, I pulled up the website and showed it to him. He started laughing. He said, “Are you insane, man? You can’t put that junk in your body. It’ll kill you. Your heart will stop. Rhino horn? Ammonium hydroxide? That’s what in meth, right?”

Female voice: Xentres is made strong enough to work on the most extreme cases of erectile dysfunction, and fast!

Dwayne: My doctor asked me, “Where did you hear about that [bleep]?” And I tole him, “A friend.” And he said, “Well, what’s his name?” And I said, “Well, I don’t really know him actually.” And he says, “But you just said he’s your friend.” So I told my doctor, “Look. Let’s forget about him and just write me a scrip for Xentrex and I’ll be on my way.” My doctor said, “Are you deaf, man? No! I could lose my license. You could die.” I said, “Yeah, I still want it though. So give it to me. Write the prescription.” I wasn’t leaving. So he says, “I think that website just froze my computer.” So I grabbed him a little. And he goes, “YOu’re hurting me, sir.” Hah! Xentrex works.

[Dwayne starts beating up the doctor]

Female voice: Side effects of Xentrex include fits of rage, acne, bleeding, baldness, blindness, whooping cough, hallucinations, coma, trouble swallowing, decrease in semen, increase in semen, nasal sores, constipation, vomiting, night terrors, amnesia and suicidal urges.

Dwayne: And those are just the side effects they tell you about. [Dwayne’s nose is bleeding] I get sweats. My bones are cold. My teeth are loose. My heart gets really, really hot. I could read minds and sometimes, I wake up driving a stolen car. But my erections are fantastic. When I wear gray sweat pants, people cross the street. Which is fine. Xentrex gave me my life back. Hail satan.

Female voice: So, threaten your doctor or ask your ketamine guy about South African Xentrex today.

Dwayne: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It works.

Porn Doctor

Doctor… Adam Driver

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[The Doctor is in… My Butt 4 intro] [Cut to Doctor]

Doctor: [talking on the phone] Nurse, who is my next patient? Oh no, he hurt his big thigh during the game? Send him in.

[Beck walks in. He is wearing sports shirt and shorts.]

Beck: Hi doctor. I need help with my body. [limping] Ou! Ou! Ooh! Ou! [sits on the chair] I hurt my big thigh during the big game right when I was bout to score.

Doctor: Well, maybe I can help you score. Right now. Where does it hurt?

Beck: Way up at the top part of my thigh. I don’t know. About a centimeter below my ball sack.

Doctor: Let me take a look. How does it feel when I do this?

[Doctor massages Beck’s thigh]

Beck: Ah! I don’t know doctor. I’m not gay.

Doctor: Are you sure?

Beck: Good point. I’m convinced. Let’s do sex.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, excuse me Dr. Rock Hard, I had a two o’clock appointment and I still have not been seen.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Huh?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Yeah. All these big muscular guys keep cutting me but my mom said I need to see a doctor right away. I’ve been throwing up all day and my stomach is really sore.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Me too. My groin is sore.

Doctor: And I need to make it more sore.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: What? You’re gonna make it more sore? Alright! I mean, you’re the one who went to medical school. Not me.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Yeah. I graduated best top in my class.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! That’s awesome Dr. Rock Hard.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I’m always on bottom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, that’s nothing to brag about. Anyway, I’ll be in the waiting room with my mom. But please hurry Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out] [Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: So, patient. You play soccer? Does that mean you’re good at juggling balls?

Beck: With my feet.

Doctor: Wow, that’s hot.

Beck: But there’s a problem, doctor. I don’t have health insurance.

Doctor: That’s okay. I think I can figure out another way for you to pay.

Beck: Oh-f!

[Doctor and Beck start touching each other]

Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

Beck: Oh yeah.

Doctor: Oh yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor. I kind of overheard because I wasn’t all the way gone yet. My mom also doesn’t have health insurance. So can we pay however he is paying?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um…

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I mean she does have health insurance but it doesn’t kick in until the first of the month. She has blue cross.

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: And I have blue balls.

Doctor: Oh, no. You’ll need 50 CCs of boner, stacked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! All this medical talk goes right over my head. But I’m next right?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Are you positive?

[Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Doctor: Um, yeah. But don’t tell or they’ll make me leave.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Whatever you say Dr. Rock Hard.

[Aidy walks out] [Cut to Doctor and Beck]

Beck: Oh no, doctor. Now my other big thigh hurts.

Doctor: You’re in luck. I got medication that cures anything. But I don’t know if you’ll be able to swallow it.

Beck: Why? Is it big?

Doctor: Oh, yeah. So big.

Beck: How big is it doctor?

Doctor: Too big for you to swallow.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Oh, is it like a gel cap?

Doctor: A what?

Aidy: Coz I know those are big but I can get em’ down with water. And if not, my mom can cut them in half and put them in my mashed potatoes. So, please Dr. Rock Hard, give it to me. My stomach hurts really bad.

Doctor: I can’t give it to you. But I can give it to your mom. Hell, yeah!

Aidy: Oh, okay. That works too. Thank you Dr. Rock Hard. You know, my mom was nervous about this doctor’s office coz when she went on your website this morning, it crashed our whole computer. But I think you’re cool. So thanks for squeezing me in.

Doctor: I love to squeeze things in.

Aidy: I know. You’re gym packed today.

Doctor: About to be.

Aidy: Yeah. Well, it must be hard.

Doctor: It has to be hard.

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.

Doctor: I don’t have any hair.

Aidy: Okay, thanks.

[Aidy walks out]

Doctor: Now let’s get back to your big thigh. But, I think I need a second, third, fourth and fifth opinion.

[four more men walk in tearing off their shirts and touching each other] [Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey, wait a minute. All beefed doctors work here? Will someone please help me? Hello?

[The End]

Time To Bleed

Sasheer Zamata

Paleski… Chris Hemsworth

Ruman… Kyla Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jon Rudnitsky

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a crossfire between a man and police.]

Sasheer: 2-7. Shots fire at North River Street. Request backup.

[The man shoots and Paleski gets hit. The man runs.]

Paleski, you’ve been hit.

Paleski: I’m fine.

Sasheer: But you’re bleeding.

Paleski: I don’t have time to bleed. Now come on, let’s finish this.

[Paleski runs after Ruman any way] [Cut to Sasheer running into an empty floor.]

Paleski: [echo sound] Ruman.

Ruman: [looking around and pointing the gun] Where you at, Paleski? I know you’re here.

[Paleski suddenly appears behind Ruman.]

Paleski: Hey, baby.

[as Ruman turns around, Paleski punches him on hi face and Ruman faints.] [Sasheer reaches the scene]

Sasheer: 2-7. Suspect has been subdued.

Paleski: Translation, knocked the hell out.

[Paleski groaning because of the pain]

Sasheer: Okay though guy. Let’s get you to a doctor.

Paleski: Or maybe you can kiss and make it better.

[Cut to press conference held by the police]

Beck: For bravery, in the line of duty, we award this medal to Sargent Peter Paleski.

[Paleski receives the medal.]

Sasheer: I didn’t know they give award to stubborn sons of bitches.

Paleski: Yeah, I’ll hang them in my bad. Would you come see them sometime?

[Paleski groaning]

Sasheer: What’s wrong? [Paleski is still bleeding] Oh, my god! Did you not go to the hospital?

Paleski: Relax. I’m fine.

Sasheer: Paleski, you don’t need to be the tough guy anymore. You need to see a doctor.

Paleski: I will. But first I gotta finish this thing all the way.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski working at the office. Paleski is bleeding but he’s still turning papers on his desk with his bloody hands.]

Sasheer: Okay, this is just stupid.

Paleski: It’s the job, okay? You know, paper work is the job.

Sasheer: You’re getting blood everywhere.

Paleski: You know, I know another place where we can get my blood from. It’s my penis.

Sasheer: It doesn’t make sense.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Bad news, Ruman made bail.

[Paleski bands the table]

Paleski: God dammit! I gotta go blow off some steam.

[Cut to Paleski hitting the boxing pads. He’s still bleeding so he doesn’t have the strength.] [Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: You really don’t look good.

Paleski: Yah, maybe on opposite’s day.

Sasheer: I think you have lead poisoning from that bullet.

Paleski: You know, I got a little bullet in my penis too.

[Paleski falls down.] [Cut to Paleski laying on a hospital bed. Sasheer is sitting beside him.]

Paleski: Looks like you finally got your wish.

[door knock] [Doctor walks in]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Paleski. I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover elective surgeries. Can’t give you those calf implants after all.

Sasheer: No. He’s here coz he got shot.

Doctor: Huh? Not what he told me.

Paleski: Don’t listen to her. She’s joking.

[Paleski removes the blanket and he is bleeding all over the bed.] [Paleski walks out on the patient’s gown bleeding all over it.]

Sasheer: No! What is your problem? Dammit, Paleski. You need to take care of yourself. I need to–

[Ruman jumps in and holds Sasheer at a gun point from behind]

Ruman: You really thought you could beat me?

[Paleski is trying to aim at Ruman but he can’t because he is shaking.]

Sasheer: Don’t shoot Paleski. You can’t make the shot.

Paleski: Tell me that tomorrow when you’re making me breakflahh—

Sasheer: Are you saying breakfast?

[Paleski shoots. He gets Ruman the third time.]

Sasheer: Nice shot, Paleski.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski waking up on the same bed.]

Looks like you got your Christmas gift after all.

[The bed is full of blood.] [Sasheer shakes Paleski’s shoulder]

Oh, he’s dead.

[The End]

Abilify for Candidates

Karan Santorum… Cecily Strong

Rick Santorum… Taran Killam

Janet Huckabee… Kate McKinnon

Mike Huckabee… Bobby Moynihan

Roxane Gilmore… Miley Cyrus

Jim Gilmore… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a couple walking in a rain under umbrella.]

Karan: Mental illness doesn’t run in our family. So, I never thought it could happen to someone I love. But then my husband started getting confused. [Cut to Karan telling the story] He’d say things that just didn’t make any sense. Things like…

[Cut to Rick Santorum giving speech. Karan is standing beside Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: And come next November, I Rick Santorum will be president of the United States.

[Cut to Karan Santorum acting nervous]

Karan: And he believed this. [Cut to Karan telling the story] That’s when I knew, he had dementia.

[Cut to Mike and Janet Huckabee enjoying their time.]

Janet Huckabee: My husband Mike Huckabee is to be my rock. And then one night last month, he got up in the middle of the night, start packing suit case. He wasn’t making any sense. He was muttering, “Kim’s in jail and I gotta get her out of jail. [Cut to Janet telling the story] And I’m gonna be in jail. And that’s gonna make me a president.” He didn’t even know what year it was or how the world worked.

[Cut to Jim and Roxane Gilmore enjoying their time.]

Roxane Gilmore: My husband Jim Gilmore is the love of my life. [Cut to Roxane telling the story] But lately he’s been having these episodes.

[Jim walks in]

Jim Gilmore: Honey, the Gallup poll has me up for 1.2 % in Iowa. White House, here wecome.

Roxane Gilmore: Yay! I cannot wait to be first lady.

[Jim leaves and Roxane looks at the camera]

Do you see? He is sick and he needs help.

[Cut to a doctor]

Doctor: Well, now there is help. Introducing  Abilify, for people who think they can be president. Once taken, Abilify destroys the damaged part of the brain that says, “I’ma be president.”

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum. Rick takes the pill after giving speech, then realizes what was happening.]

Leading to an almost immediate return to reality.

[Cut to Mike Huckabee taking pill during the live news, then leaving immediately]

It’s the only dementia medication prescribed for 11 specific people.

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: Before Abilify, I would go on national TV and say, “Here is how I would eradicate ISIS. [laughing] Me! It’s like, what?”

[Cut to Roxane Gilmore and Jim]

Jim Gilmore: Today in the news, they said Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. And I thought, “Who’s Jim Gilmore?” Then I realized it was me. I was running for president. [laughing] [Cut to Janet and Mike Huckabee]

Mike Huckabee: One time during a debate, I cut Donald Trump off and I said, “No, you listen!” What was I thinking? That’s our future president!

Doctor: So ask your doctor about Abilify today, Bobby Jindal. Because not everyone, can be president.

Mike, Jim and Rick: And now we know. [laughing]

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves] [Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]