Dog Acting School Commercial

Yolanda Batista… Ana de Armas

Donna Colonoscopini… Chloe Fineman

Yolanda Batista: Is your dog hot and it knows it?

Donna Colonoscopini: Has it cruised by on looks its entire life?

Yolanda Batista: Do you caught your dog looking at itself in the mirror?

Donna Colonoscopini: But it sucks in its cheeks like this? Then your jobs might be the perfect candidate for Enter Stage Woof acting school for dogs.

Yolanda Batista: Hi I’m Jolanda Batista.

Donna Colonoscopini: And I’m Donna Colonoscopini. And I semi-accredited school office acting training for canine kiddies like this. Get in here Henry. [pulls in a golden retriever] Oh boy. Now Sure, sure. Oh Henry.

Yolanda Batista: Oh, that’s-

Donna Colonoscopini: Henry is doing a little improv. Sure. Henry is the total package. Winning smile, golden logs and those big photogenic nuts.

Yolanda Batista: Good looks and everything. You know, casting directors want to see emotional range. Watch. Henry. You just found out you have worms. Show me shock. [the dog doesn’t react]

Donna Colonoscopini: Alright. Henry, you go into the vet to get clipped and they don’t mean your nails. Show me fear. [the dog doesn’t react, but a pair of artificial paws are covering its eyes] Perfect. You booked it.

Yolanda Batista: You may have seen the trailer for that movie “Strays.” None of our dogs got the job.

Donna Colonoscopini: But damn it, they got in the room. Just like Coco here. [pulls in a pug]

Yolanda Batista: Yes. Coco may not be classical beautiful, but she’s dripping in sex appeal.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, she ever? And she’ll go full nude if they pay the price.

Yolanda Batista: She’ll do it even if it’s not.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, look at those nips. Looking for a dog that can pull up romantic comedy? Then look no further than Romeo. [pulls in a dog] Yeah Romeo. It’s under contract to Disney. How? By learning our patented lady in the tramp technique. Watch. [she puts noodles in her mouth and tries to feed it to the dog] Wow. I think I’m in love.

Yolanda Batista: It’s adorable and castable.

Donna Colonoscopini: High-five Romeo. Well, he’s a regular Marlon Brando dog. Our instructors are ready to handle every aspect of your dog’s career from social media to headshots. And we can even cover up embarrassing scandals.

Yolanda Batista: Yeah, like if your dog is kinky and gets caught hooking up with a cat.

Donna Colonoscopini: Not convinced? Listen to the satisfied customer.

[Punkie walks in]

Punkie: This is my Tie. He has been taking classes here for years. In fact, you probably recognize him from the movie “Moonlight” where he was walking by on the beach during the handjob scene. That was a fun set. Thank you Dog Acting School.

Donna Colonoscopini: Oh, did someone say accent? Take a look at this talented Pooch.

Yolanda Batista: Biscuit, do French.

[voice over artist says something in French.]

Donna Colonoscopini: Wow, l’-woof. I think that means the bark.

Yolanda Batista: We even teach puppies like this little fella named Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Now, Jelly Bean just got casted a movie where he plays an alien that destroys Seattle. Let’s rehearse. Oh, Seattle. Oh, Seattle. Oh no, Seattle. Oh no. Oh no.

Yolanda Batista: Okay. Good job, Jelly Bean.

Donna Colonoscopini: Seattle more like dead. So enroll today and in no time your dog will be the next Clint Eastwood. At Enter Stage Woof, Acting School for Dogs.

Weekend Update Rock Roll Hall of Fame Inductees Worlds Oldest Living Dog

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of USA map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that about 6 million Americans now identify as Afro Latino. Afro Latina was also what spirit Halloween calls the unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of empire state building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. The terrifying science read simply “Entering New Jersey.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Dolly Parton, Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon at right top corner]

Michael Che: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon, which begs the question what is rock and roll?

[picture changes to Jackie Robinson at right top corner.]

A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. The bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it in an all star game and also to get back to his car safely.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Quantas flight logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Quantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced the new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old drawings in a cave in Alabama and guys, they’re bad. Really bad drawings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Lawmaker watches porn in house chamber” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of Parliament, which seems pretty tame considering our congress allows full penetration. [changes to picture from Capitol riot] Colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 yays to one “oh my god yay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, Colin. A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow. 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? Kid’s huge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of an article that says “Woman in penis costume stabbed”]

Colin Jost: Happy Mother’s Day. A woman in a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. The woman says she’s still throbbing in her head feels like it’s ready to explode.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Guinness World record logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The record for the world’s oldest dog has been broken by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothy Charlemagne. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Dog Show

Judas Chrysler…Willem Dafoe

Miriam Jeans… Aidy Bryant

Jane Bosworth… Kate McKinnon

Mickey Bosworth… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Fighters, barkers, humpers and shakers. Live from the Cujo arena, it’s the Bedminster dog show.

[Cut to Judas Chrysler and Miriam Jeans in their show set]

Judas Chrysler: Hello, I’m Judas Chrysler.

Miriam Jeans: And I’m Miriam Jeans. Dogs, they’re just like us. Some of them by kids.

Judas Chrysler: That’s correct. This show celebrates those canine freaks who prevent their owners from having company or intimacy.

Miriam Jeans: Today is for them.

Judas Chrysler: Here come on judges, Jane Bosworth and Mickey Bosworth.

Miriam Jeans: They run a desert based dog ranch that’s either an animal rescue or a hoarding situation.

Judas Chrysler: The dogs know not to mess with them, and frankly, neither would I. And here’s our first competitor. From the shaking group, it’s Luna.

Miriam Jeans: Now Luna hates the sound beat. And if she hears it, she will try and climb up to your hair. For her the 4th of July is a war. And the only safe space is behind the toilet.

Judas Chrysler: Luna is also scared of plastic bags, men in hats, pineapples, balloons, the Netflix startup sound, her owners being in two separate rooms, and this is embarrassing, the sound of spoken Spanish.

Miriam Jeans: And she also has what the vet calls tangy Vagina.

Judas Chrysler: A vet said that?

Miriam Jeans: Yes, she did. Let’s go to the judges.

Jane Bosworth: All right, tell us about Luna.

Owner: If her favorite blanket is not fluff correctly, she will cry real tears until I fix it. If my boyfriend comes home and he is near sitting me sitting on the couch, she will scream until he leaves. My life is hell and I miss my friends.

Mickey Bosworth: That’s good.

Jane Bosworth: Yes, take her around. No. No.

Mickey Bosworth: Don’t clap.

Jane Bosworth: Do not clap. If these dogs hear any sound, they will kill themselves.

Mickey Bosworth: Please do not clap.

Judas Chrysler: A reminder from the judges not to clap.

Miriam Jeans: Yes. And next from the mean group, it’s Pigeon.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon is the sexual predator. He’s been banned from every dog park in the state of Nevada.

Miriam Jeans: The vet called him not welcome here and the groomer called him manipulative.

Judas Chrysler: Pigeon once tripped an old lady on purpose.

Miriam Jeans: His owner said quote “It looked like an accident but I swear to God, I saw him laugh.” Let’s check in with the judges.

Mickey Bosworth: Well, what is Pigeons daily routine?

Owner: Well, he wakes me up at five by biting my feet. Then he goes in the hamper, grabs my girlfriend’s underwear, drags it under the dining room table and barks aggressively.

Jane Bosworth: I see. And why did you choose this monster?

Owner: Oh, well, when we first got him he was so quiet. Turns out he was just traumatized. This is bad to say but I missed that version of him.

Miriam Jeans: Wow. Now, Judas, it says here that you and I are married. Isn’t that right?

Judas Chrysler: That is right. And now we do this.

Miriam Jeans: Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Well, from the non walking group, it’s Blueberry.

Owner: Sorry. Blueberry. Come on. Blueberry, please. I’m not picking you up. We flew here. Blueberry you grounded a flight.

Judas Chrysler: Blueberry once slipped on a tile floor and it permanently made him insane.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. He will only poop in the middle of the street and he is medically unable to be in a car.

Judas Chrysler: And to be clear, blueberry can walk. He just chooses not to.

Miriam Jeans: Amazing, truly pointless.

Judas Chrysler: And lastly, from the Medical Group, it’s Gizmo.

Miriam Jeans: Now Gizmo has bad feet, bad skin, bad teeth, bad anal glands and a bad brain. The total package.

Judas Chrysler: He’s allergic to anything that is or isn’t duck. Judges squinting at something on his tummy.

Jane Bosworth: Alright. Can you tell us about his weird little penis?

Owner: Yes. His weird little dog penis is too big for his frame. So, when he bends down a certain way, it gets stuck outside his body for hours. And it dries out so won’t go back in. And it has to be lubricated and reinserted by veterinary several times a week. I hate saying that and I say it a lot.

Jane Bosworth: Thank you.

Miriam Jeans: Well?

Judas Chrysler: Looks like the judges are about to announce the winner. Let’s take a moment to thank our sponsor Thunder Shirt.

Miriam Jeans: Thunder Shirts, squeeze your stupid dog with Thunder shirt.

Jane Bosworth: The winner will take home the golden bathroom trash along with a lifetime supply of buffalo chicken bones from the sidewalk.

Mickey Bosworth: Yes. And the winner is Gizmo.

[cheers and applause]

Gizmo’s owner: No! No! Don’t get excited. Just put it back in. Aw! Gizmo!

Judas Chrysler: Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Miriam Jeans: Yeah. Cut away. Goodnight.