Sonja Vegamonté…..Cecily Strong
Damien Regulanté…..Jonah Hill
Ma…..Aidy Bryant
Z…..Kyle Mooney
Dana…..Kenan Thompson
[ Sonja and Damien are speaking to the camera. There are various sketches of pugs hanging on the wall behind them. ]
Sonja: Hi, I’m Sonja Vegamonté.
Damien: And I’m a domestic partner, Damien Regulanté. If you’re anything like us, you breed pugs.
Sonja: But you wish they were more handsome and refined looking. I mean, he he, look at this one. [ She is handed a pug. ] Look how ugly this one’s face is.
Damien: He knows it, too.
Sonja: Yeah.
Damien: He’s bald. What’s the answer? I don’t need to tell you. You know. It’s pug wigs.
Sonja: Yeah, but where do you get one? Right here, at our flagship store, Pug Wigs!
[ Cut to Damien and Sonja walking out in front of a display of various wigs on shelves. ]
Damien: Look at all of this. We got so many wigs; I get sick of it.
Sonja: When you put one of our wigs on your pug, you go from zero to ten, in a flash. Ma, bring out the first model.
[ Cut to Ma walking out holding a pug in a curly blonde wig. ]
Ma: Alright, this pug’s name is Magnolia.
Damien: Magnolia is sporting the wig from our Legends of Cinema Line.
Sonja: This is, of course, the Marilyn Monroe.
Ma: Yeah, Magnolia used to be a solid two. But with this wig, she looks like she’s ready to get mixed up in a presidential scandal. Sleeping with the President.
Sonja: Mmmhmm. He he.
Ma: Oh, hell yes. She can sleep with the President in this wig.
Sonja: Yeah.
Damien: Yeah, that pug is so sexy delicious now.
Sonja: Oh wow, now all the boy pugs wants to jump her bones, now even though she got nothing to give down there. Let’s go Ma, let’s go. [ She ushers Ma off the stage with the pug. ]
Damien: Time for more pugs. Oh, look who decided to join us, my son Z, back from the drug hotel.
[ Z walks onto the stage holding a pug wearing a wig with the classic Rachel look. ]
Z: My parents make wigs for dogs, it could’ve been way worse.
Damien: Show off your pug.
Z: Alright, this is Harriet. She’s sporting a ‘Rachel Green’ from Friends. She’s America’s sweetheart. [ He sings to the tune of Friends theme song. ] But no one told you that your pug could look this great.. [ He does the clap from the Friends theme song. ]
Damien: That is one fresh looking girl-next-door pug. Very dateable.
[ Z walks off the stage with the pug. ]
Damien: Next we have Denise with Humphrey.
[ Ma (Denise) walks back onto the stage holding a pug wearing a frizzy blonde wig. ]
Ma (Denise): Yes, and Humphrey is rockin’ an Ed Sheeran wig. Look how contemporary he looks.
Damien: [ He sings to the tune of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. ] He’s in love with the shape of his pug wig… And next is my wonderful partner, Sonja [ Ma walks off stage with the pug. ] accompanied by Olive. Yes.
[ Sonja walks back on stage with a pug wearing a messy light brunette wig. ]
Sonja: Yes, she is feeling her confidence in this Tina Turner wig. From our Vintage Diva Line. Wow, look at the height in this.
Sonja and Damien: [ They sing together. ] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…?
Damien: I’ll tell you what, everything.
Sonja: Okay, we have so much more, like [ Cut to a pug wearing a short black wig. The screen reads ‘Liza Minnelli.’ ] Liza Minnelli.
Damien: Troye Sivan. [ Cut to a pug wearing a combed over the white-haired wig. The screen reads ‘Troye Sivan.’ ]
Sonja: Larry David. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is only on the sides of his head in grey and white. The screen reads ‘Larry David.’ ]
Damien: A Wall Street type. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is dark grey comb-over. The screen reads ‘Wall Street Type.’ ]
Sonja: Hip-hop. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is a brunette flat-top afro. The screen reads ‘Hip Hop.’ ]
Damien: Post Malone. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is curly short brown hair. The screen reads ‘Post Malone.’ ]
Sonja: And, Lady Diana. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is blonde and side swept. The screen reads ‘Lady Diana.’ ] Awwww.
Damien: This is a legit business people.
Sonja: Yeah, it’s not a front for anything, so.
Damien: And make sure to check out our sister store. Dana, tell them about it.
[ Dana walks to holding two pugs wearing beard wigs. ]
Dana: My pleasure. If your boy pugs want facial hair, bring them by my shop, Dana Simpson’s Boy Pug Beard and Goatee. Frederick is rocking a ZZ Top and Tex here is looking crazy handsome in a brand new Wolf Blitzer. [ He walks off stage with the pugs. ]
Damien: Thanks, Dana. So come to Pug Wigs, just pugs and wigs for their bald heads.
Sonja: Yeah, so Ma. Take us out with a song.
[ Music starts to play, and Ma comes back on stage. ]
Ma: You got a fugly pug? Put a rug on that pug. [ She scats. ] Pug Wigs.