Gift Wrap

Tina… Kate McKinnon

Don… James Franco

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a customer packing her gift at the wrapping department]

Tina: And that’s one freshly wrapped Xbox, courtesy of your friendly Bloomingdale’s gift wrapping department.

Don: Hang on, let me just fluff your bow. Can’t send you home with a fluffy bow.

Heidi: Thank you. How much do I owe you?

Don: Oh, you’ve been such a super sweet customer. I think I’m gonna have to waive the $5 charge. This one’s on me. Now, Merry Christmas.

Heidi: Merry Christmas to you.

[Heidi walks out]

Tina: Wow. Don, you’re so great with the customers. I don’t know how you do it.

Don: Ah, because I’m a freaky nut for Christmas? That’s how. I live for this. Don’t you?

Tina: It’s fine.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hi. Can I get this barbie doll wrapped for my niece?

Don: Wow! Oh, yeah. She’s gonna have the best Christmas ever flip in life.

Beck: I hope so. She is pretty special.

[Don takes a wrapping paper and starts wrapping the gift]

Don: Oh, I know she will, sir. That is my Christmas guarantee. [Don hurts his finger] Oh! Ou!

Tina: Are you okay?

Don: Yeah. I just– just a little paper cut. It’s a hazard of the trade. No big. Now, The secret to good gift wrapping is a nice clean crease. [Don is wrapping the gift very badly because of the injury, and he is bleeding all over the gift. It’s all messed up.]

Tina: Don, Do you need a band aid?

Don: I don’t think so. Don’t think so.

Beck: I think you do. You’re getting blood all over my niece’s gift.

Don: I can just cover that with the bow. Don’t worry. Oh, man. This is deeper than I thought. [His hands are all bloody] Yeah. My finger’s basically like a split hotdog right now.

Tina: Don, I think we need to get you to the medical center.

Don: [pointing his injured finger to Tina] Oh, pass, Tina. I got work to do.

Beck: This is bad. Are you on blood thinners?

Don: A few. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Okay, one last piece of tape and alright. [Don passes the badly wrapped gift to Beck] There you go, sir.

Beck: Oh, thank you. Where’s the return counter?

Don: It’s just over there. Oh, don’t forget your free candy cane over here, okay? [Don picks up the candies with his bloody hands. The candy container is filled with his blood.]

Beck: Oh, Jesus!

[Beck runs away]

Tina: Hey, Don, can we please go find the store nurse now?

Don: Tina, it’s nothing. I just need a little pressure on it. it’s gonna stop any second. Okay?

[Don puts his finger in his mouth]

Tina: Is your mouth filling with blood right now? Don?

[Don is shaking his head no] [Leslie and Kenan walk in]

Leslie: Hi, are you free to wrap a gift?

Don: Umm.

[Don spits a lot of blood on Leslie’s face]

Whoa! Oh! You are gift finding genius or what?

Kenan: Oh, my good lord! Good lord! What is happening?

[Leslie is disgusted]

Don: Here. Your Christmas dreams are coming true. That’s what. Let me find my special chu-chu paper.

[Don is looking for a paper]

Kenan: No. You know what? I think we’re good, man! Let’s get out of here.

[Leslie is trying to say something to Don but she can’t speak because she is disgusted.]

Are you alright?

Don: Here we go. Look. [Don brings out the paper] Don’t be silly. You’re gonna love this paper. [Don is already bleeding over the wrapping paper] You just got to chop a little bit of it.

[Don chops his another finger off his another hand]

Kenan: [yelling] Oh! You just chopped your damn fingers out.

Don: Just a tip. Just a tip. That’s what she said! [Don is bleeding all over the place] I just wanna say something point. I think we may actually have a problem here.

Kenan: Yeah, man.

Leslie: Ew! Your’e spraying blood in my–

Don: No! The problem is I don’t have enough chu-chu paper. But look, you can pick any of the patterns on the wall behind me. [Don sprays blood all over the papers and wall behind.]

Kenan: No! Alright? That is it! We are out of here.

Leslie: No, I want– [can’t speak]

Tina: Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood. Will you please stop?

Don: Stop loving Christmas? Never. Just turn on the lights. I wanna show you something.

Tina: The lights are on. All the lights are on.

Don: Oh my god! Look, another roll of chu-chu paper. Let me cut the plastic up here. Hold it with my leg here. [Don pulls out his leg. His leg is already chopped off. Now  he is bleeding off his leg too.] Oh! I just cut my leg off. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: You just 100% cut your damn foot off.

Don: Yeah. That’s what she said!

Tina: Please call an ambulance for all of us.

Kenan: No! I cannot deal with that. That is a foot!

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’

Campfire Song

Christi… Venessa Bayer

Don… Kyle Mooney

Todd… Woody Harrelson

Eva… Leslie Jones

Randy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]

Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.

Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.

Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.

[Cut to everybody]

Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.

[Todd brings out a guitar] [Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?

Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.

[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]

Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree

Come on, don’t be shy.

Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.

You guys still know this?

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: I don’t think so.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk

You really don’t know this?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: No.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You do. You have to.

Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.

Little louder, guys.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: None of us know this.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.

Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way

Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.

In the usual way

Go, Christi.

[Cut to Christi]

Christi: In the usual way.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.

[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]

Don: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: In the usual way

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.

Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.

[Cut to everybody]

Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.

[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]

Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: I still got my pick.

[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.] [Cut to Eva and Randy]

Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Tell me what?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.

[Cut to Eva and Randy]

Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.

Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.

[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]

Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.

[Cut to everybody]

Apples, apples

Come on, Todd! Sing.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.

[Cut to Christi and Don]

Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.

[Cut to everybody]

Christi: Now, come on everybody.

Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way

Christi: Come on, Todd!

[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.] [Todd joins the song]

Don: There he is.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way

[Todd starts dancing] [cheers and applause]