Donald Clover
Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with a man and a woman getting into their bed.]
Man: Hey, baby. Looking good.
Woman: Thanks. Well, goodnight.
Man: Wait, wait, wait. Baby, it’s Saturday.
Woman: Oh, yeah. Sex night. I’m jazzed to do it. Let’s start.
[Woman leans towards Man]
Man: Wait, wait, wait. I was just thinking maybe we can mix it up a little tonight. You know, try a little dirty talk. Saying stuff that you shouldn’t say.
Woman: Alright.
[They try to do the dirty talk]
Man: Yeah. You’re like the little slut, huh?
Woman: Um, that’s so retarded.
[Man backs off]
Man: What? What? Don’t say the R word though, coz that’s like, really offensive, right?
Woman: Depends on how I use it, I guess.
Man: No, it’s kind of bad. Let’s just stay away from that. Maybe try like, being, you know, little mean to me. You know?
[They try to do the dirty talk]
Yeah, come on, girl. Hurt me.
Woman: Your dad’s dead.
[Man backs off]
Man: Baby? That wound’s still fresh. I’m like, really sad now.
Woman: Oh, man. I’m sorry. Are you sure you don’t want to do it the normal way? Lazy sideways?
Man: No. Look, I wanna try this. I think we could spice things up. It’d be good for us, you know? How about you just call me a little bitch or something.
Woman: Ooh, okay. I like that.
[They try to do the dirty talk]
Man: Oh, I want you.
Woman: Yeah, you do, you little bitch.
Man: Ooh, you’re so mean to me.
Woman: Coz you’re my little brother, bitch. Now, scram!
[Man backs off]
Man: What?
Woman: Stay out of my room, dork!
Man: No. Don’t. Baby, don’t be my sister. That turns me off.
Woman: But you were saying, “Oh, yeah.”
Man: Yeah, that was before I knew you had made us siblings. You know? So, no big twists. Maybe we just– I’ll take a lead. How about that? [Woman nods yes] Alright.
Woman: Yeah, right, dweeb! Mom and dad put me in charge.
Man: Baby, that scenario, we’re not doing it anymore. Okay? Here, I’ll talk dirty to you. Alright? Is that cool? [They try to do the dirty talk] Oh, you little freak!
Woman: [impersonating] Yes, I’m the Elephant Man.
[Man backs off]
Man: No. Not the Elephant Man, okay? That’s not sexy. That’s like, really sad. He had a sad life and the image in my head is the worst possible thing for sex. You know? Okay, but clearly you wanna role play. So, how about I’m a cop and you’re a criminal?
Woman: Oh, sounds naughty.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Coz I killed my mom.
Man: No, no, no. You didn’t murder anyone.
Woman: Yeah, I did. She’s in the trunk.
Man: No, no, no. Different crime, okay? You’re not a murderer. You’re different criminal, baby. You’re like– [They try to do the dirty talk] Hand up, you’re under arrest.
Woman: [impersonating Bill Cosby] But the general pudding pop said–
[Man backs off]
Man: No! Don’t be Bill Cosby. Don’t ever be Bill Cosby in the bedroom. Don’t. You know what? Forget it. It’s fine. This isn’t gonna work. Let’s just watch TV.
Woman: Oh, so that’s it? Man, you’re such a bitch sometimes.
[They try to do the dirty talk]
Man: Yeah, I like that.
Woman: [impersonating Fat Albert] Hey, hey, hey.
Man: No, don’t be Fat Albert.