Tag: Donald Trump

Trump Easter Cold Open

Jesus… Mikey Day

Judas… Molly Kearney

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Male voice: Easter, the celebration of the resurrected Christ. The Bible tells us Jesus travelled to Jerusalem for Passover where his radical message of peace and love enraged the authorities. In the coming days he will be arrested, tried and executed. This he tells his disciples on their final evening together, a meal we will come to call ‘the Last Supper.’

Jesus: My friends, and Judas, hear me now for soon I will leave you and join my Father in heaven.

Bowen: We cannot lose your Jesus, we will protect you.

Andrew: They will never find you, Jesus.

Jesus: Alas, one of you will betray me.

Bowen: Oh, no.

Judas: What?

Jesus: It is foretold. Though I have committed no crime, I will be arrested, tried and found guilty.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Sound familiar? Thank you so much. A famous, wonderful man arrested for no reason at all. If you haven’t put it together, folks, I’m comparing myself to Jesus again. And what better time than on his birthday, Easter? As we speak, I am being persecuted on a level the likes of which the world has never seen even worse than the late great Jesus. You know, many people are saying we’re very similar. We’re both very tall, very popular, and both frankly, white Americans. You know, Jesus did some incredible things. Some would call them miracles, in terms of fish, and with regard to bread. Lots of fish and bread. He rose from the dead on the third day, I would have done it faster, possibly two days. I think we could have done it a lot faster. But he had a good mind for business. Water into wine, pure profit. And he had big, big rallies just like me. And a lot of his followers got in big, big trouble just like mine. All because I told them exactly what Jesus would have said, “Get very violent and start a war.” And I’ve even got my very own Judas, Ron DeSantis. Ron DeSantis came to me tears in his eyes. He said, “Help me Mr. Trump, I’m gonna lose my election.” So I very generously pretended to like him. And then he did a Judas. And now he can’t even get the gays out of Disney World. It’s an awkward time.

Look at these guys back here. You just have to sit here frozen while I talk. Can you believe that? Mr. Jesus, quite a guy. But now people are saying perhaps I’m even better than Jesus because I’m a self made billionaire. And Christ was, let’s call it what it is, a Nepo baby. Okay? I mean, his dad was God. It’s pretty easy to start a religion when your dad is God. He did Good Friday. I said, “Why don’t make it great. We can make it great.” With me. We’ll be doing great Friday, perhaps even TGI Fridays? With the stuff on the walls and everything.

But we love Easter. We love hiding the egg, don’t we folks? We love hiding the little eggs. You know, I have many beautiful eggs from my time at the White House. And now the Department of Justice is saying Where are the eggs? We need the eggs back. But I hid them. They’re my eggs. They’re my eggs to take, okay?

So tomorrow I will eat by Easter hamburger with my family, or hopefully not. And then after that, they will come to me locked me away. Because just like Jesus, all I did was be friendly to a sex worker and now they want to put me in jail. But who knows folks? Maybe prison will make me even more popular like that guy back there. Jesus of Azkaban, that guy. Jesus of Azkaban, he’s called. And that is the story of Easter. Happy birthday, Jesus. Look at the fingers. He’s stuck doing the fingers the whole time. Weird choice with the fingers. Look at Jesus. So Happy Hanukkah too, all the pass overs. And all the Ramadan too. We love to say Ramadan? That’s right. But mostly, happy Easter because we like Jesus, right? Still frozen with the little hand. They’re not even gonna get to see the big line. Maybe if you break a big political character, you can see the big line. I’m going to do it by myself right now. So Happy Easter and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Trump Train Visit Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Emily Kohrs… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: You’re watching C span. Up next, former President Trump addresses residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following this month’s train derailment.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hello everyone. Hello, it’s wonderful to be here in the town of East Palestine. Not a great name. But I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by Biden. He’s on spring break in Ukraine with his friends Zelensky in the t-shirt, very disrespectful. Zelensky thinks he’s rocking that ringadee like Scott Pilgrim. But I’m here and I brought hats, cameras and hats, because it’s terrible what’s happening here. You know, earlier today a farmer came up to me, big fella, and he said, “Sir, we have nothing to eat because dirt is poison.” And I said, “Well, what are you doing eating the dirt? Don’t eat the dirt, folks. Don’t eat the dirt. You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you. And the bottled water, Trump ice.”

I’ll be honest, I just put my sticker on some Dasani. We like to say Dasani. I’ve heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and it’s so shiny. I’ve never seen water so beautiful. Beautiful rainbows and discolorations. It’s wearing makeup. Fendy Beauty Water. Fendi by Rihanna. Rihanna. By the way you know she was pregnant doing Super Bowl, can you believe that? I said, “Of course, she is. She’s not moving at all. It was just arms, right?” She was just doing arms the whole time.

But your train exploded and who do we blame? Who do we blame. We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buttigeig. This was his responsibility. Unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to have dealt with a very much more important issue of should drains have big poison? And I have to tell you, I call him Pete Butt. I call him Pete Butt. There’s no way around it. That’s just the best one. Believe me, I’ve tried it every which way and it really doesn’t get better than Pete Butt. But this would have never happened  under my administration. People are saying I made the trains less safe. Not true, okay? Not true. I did a lot for trains. I made them bigger, faster, less safe perhaps. I’m here paying my respects because your train exploded and now your birds and fish are all dead. That’s got to not be so great. Wake up in the morning and not hear the beautiful chirping of birds and instead of your train’s exploding and derailing all over the place. You’re town is hurting, that’s why you need me. I feel like I could “Schitt’s Creek” this place, right? But I need the big eyebrows, right? That guy Schitts Creek, he’s got big eyebrows. You watched Schitts Creek? No you guys watch Yellowstone.

Anyway, I have a very special surprise guest for you today. You’ve seen a blinding all over TV this week. It’s the foreman of the Georgia, Grand Jury investigating me, Ms. Emily Kohrs.

Emily Kohrs: Oh my god. This is so cool. First Giuliani and now you. Good day, sir.

Donald Trump: She’s an odd duck but we like her. She’s either 7 or 40. We can’t tell. And she’s got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady.

Emily Kohrs: Potentially. I might. I don’t know. Eeeeeee.

Donald Trump: Wow, we don’t like that. We don’t like that sound. Because she knows if I’m getting indicted. She’s a head juror, can you believe that? They elected her. They’ll elect anyone. I started that. Come on, spill the tea. Come on.

Emily Kohrs: Nope. You just want me to ruin the case. But I guess I can say we’ve been saying your name a lot.

Donald Trump: Can you believe that? They almost had me and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day. Thank you Emily.

Emily Kohrs: Farewell.

Donald Trump: Do we like her or what? Right? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend. Well, I’m gonna get out of here soon because the air is full of poison, but you know everyone in Ohio has asked me “What do I do now? There’s poison gas in the air.” Could be a good thing, right? I know some of the husbands are happy to have the stinky gas as an excuse, right? I mean, “Did you pass gas?” “No, it was the train.” Right? Blame the train, right? You’d normally blame it on the dog, but they’re all done now aren’t they? So in conclusion, Schitt’s Creek, Rihanna, Pete Butt and live from New York and Saturday night.

Trump NFT Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]

[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.

You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.

And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.

[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]

Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.

[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.

Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]

There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s  Saturday night.

Fox & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Kari Lake… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with the lovely Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Ainsley Earhardt: Hey, everybody, happy early Thanksgiving and Wakanda forever.

Brian Kilmeade: I don’t think we’re allowed to say that.

Ainsley Earhardt: Everybody chill.

Steve Doocy: Well, what a terrible week for the GOP. The Dems are retaining control of the Senate. So what the heck happened to that red wave that people were talking about?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, who was promising that because couldn’t have been us every day?

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, thankfully, there’s no way to check, but it definitely didn’t happen. And according to everybody, only one man was to blame. Look at these headlines, Trumpty Dumpty and Trumpster Fire. Ouch.

Steve Doocy: And look at this op ed. Mr. DeSantis. Will you be my new daddy?

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, who wrote that?

Steve Doocy: Eric Trump.

Ainsley Earhardt: Wow, seems like everybody’s turning on Trump.

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah. And per company wide email we’ve got this morning, he’s dead to us.

Steve Doocy: Now, nearly every candidate Trump backed lost this week, except for one who’s still hanging on by a thread. And she’s here with us today. Please welcome Kari Lake.

Kari Lake: Hello there. Hi. And greetings from Arizona where the average age and temperature is 95.

Brian Kilmeade: Hi, Carrie, and thanks for being here during what’s what must be a very stressful time for your campaign.

Kari Lake: Hey, my campaign isn’t dead yet. Even though my camera filter makes it look like I’m in heaven.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, Kari, it seemed like this was a race you’d easily when you have it’s been a real nail biter. You and your opponent are currently neck and neck.

Kari Lake: That is because the Maricopa county officials are incompetent. And it’s my belief that the election is rigged and the results should be thrown out.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, it sounds like some new numbers are coming in which has you taking a narrow lead over Katie Hobbs.

Kari Lake: Chich is why I have always said this is a democracy. Trust the system. Trust the voters.

Brian Kilmeade: Sorry, I spoke too soon, another batch of votes just came in and you are now losing again.

Kari Lake: Because our system is broken. And it always has been.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, I’m sorry, I misread that. You’re actually back in the lead.

Kari Lake: But thankfully now it’s fixed. Look, I am 100% confident I’m going to win this election. And I won’t stop fighting until every vote is counted and then some votes are taken away. Because who the Arizonans want leading them? Katie Hobbs who’s hiding in a basement or me, Kari Lake who lives right here in this beautiful pool of Vaseline and who’s out there every single day at CVS asking black customers if they work here.

Steve Doocy: Well, we are rooting for you, Kari. We know the votes will go your way.

Kari Lake: Well, if they don’t, I’ll burn Arizona to the ground.

Steve Doocy: Wow. Well, she was nice.

Ainsley Earhardt: I hope the Trump effect doesn’t mess with her campaign.

Brian Kilmeade: You think he still watches our show?

Steve Doocy: Well, he’s at his daughter’s wedding this weekend. So at least we know he won’t call in.

[phone ringing]

Donald Trump: Hello, it’s your favorite president.

Brian Kilmeade: New phone, who this?

Ainsley Earhardt: He’s just kidding. Hi, Donald. Congratulations on Tiffany’s wedding.

Donald Trump: Who? Oh, oh, yeah. It’s okay. They’re just doing the vows.

Steve Doocy: Great. Well, we were just talking about you. There was that New York Post headline that culture Trumpty Dumpty and said you had a great fall.

Donald Trump: Well, I agree. I had a great fall. I had a great summer as well. And you know, many people are saying I’ll have a great winter. But I’m having a great fall. Okay, the leaves are turning red. It’s a red wave in terms of tree and with regard to leaf.

Ainsley Earhardt: We heard that you’re blaming, that you’re blaming both Sean Hannity and Melania for advising you to endorse Dr. Oz.

Donald Trump: It’s true. It’s true. Let me tell you, it’s very hard being in a fight with your soulmate. And also Melania. Now, all anyone wants to talk about is Ronda sanctimonious. I’m surprised. I know that word too. But Ron out it’s so easy.

Brian Kilmeade: All right, you said DeSantis has the advantage of sunshine.

Donald Trump: That’s right. Everybody goes to Florida for the sunshine. But look, I made Ron DeSantis, okay? He was going to lose until went FBI agents to go and fix his election.

Brian Kilmeade: Wait, you just admitted to what?

Donald Trump: But he’s ungrateful and now he’s trying to steal my sunshine just like Len. And you know, Len, they were a one hit wonder. Okay? Kinda like OMC. And these election results are making us go how bizarre? How bizarre? How bizarre? We’re all hearing that all the time, right? How bizarre?

Ainsley Earhardt: Don’t you need to walk your daughter down the aisle?

Donald Trump: Missed it. Anyway what are you guys talking about? What are you guys talking about? You see Fabelmans?

Ainsley Earhardt: Mr. President, I don’t know how to tell you this but we’ve moved on. We can’t have you on the show anymore.

Donald Trump: What? What did I do? Was it the insurrection?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: The impeachment.

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Blackmailing Ukraine?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Charlottesville?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: Didn’t make wall?

Brian Kilmeade: No.

Donald Trump: the murder?

Brian Kilmeade: What?

Donald Trump: Kidding.

Steve Doocy: It’s because you lost. Mr. President, we just don’t see a future with you. But you know what? We can still be friends. Okay? So bye bye now.

Donald Trump: Wait, wait. I have a big announcement, November 15th. Don’t push me off. I have a big announcement and it’s not what you think. I’m running for president again.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh god.

Steve Doocy: That was awkward. but we’re finally free. Change is on the horizon and I have a pretty good idea we won’t be hearing from him again. [phone vibrating] And he’s calling my phone.

Brian Kilmeade: And mine.

Kari Lake: [sitting between Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade in place of Ainsley Earhardt, with a ring light on her face.] Mine too.

Steve Doocy: Whoa! Kari? What are you doing here?

Kari Lake: You think if I lose, I’m just gonna go away? Not on your life. We’ll be back for more Kari and friends. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli]

[cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day
I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ingraham Angle Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Novak Djokovic… Pete Davidson

Candace Owens… Ego Nwodim

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with ‘The Ingraham Angle’ intro]

[cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening. I’m Laura Ingraham. And as soon as I marry your dad, I’m sending you straight to boarding school. Well, we’re finally done with year one of Biden’s presidency. And can we all admit it’s a disaster? Inflation’s out of control. Gas is at $19 a gallon. And the green m&m has been canceled just from being a whore. Things are so bad in Biden’s America, even according to former Wendy’s books girl Jen socket. Take a look at what she said at a press conference this week.

[Cut to the video clip of media person asking question to Jen Psaki]

Media person: Build Back Better has not passed. Voting rights apparently not going to pass. And vaccine requirements are apparently illegal. What happened?

[Cut to a video made by joining many clips of Jen Psaki speaking different words to make them sentences]

Jen Psaki: We are not good people. The American public should vote us out.

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: First true thing she’s ever said. Plus, the nation is still mourning from the sudden loss of America’s dad, Robert Durst. The country is on its last legs folks. Liberals want to take away everything that makes you American. For example, guns, hamburgers, Morgan Wallen. I don’t care if you use as a slur, I just want to dance. Your backup guns. Commercial where the whole family is the same thing. Using the word mayonnaise. It’s aioli all of a sudden? No thanks, Linman Will. And finally, missionary. My first guest tonight is here to talk about how he’s pushing back against Biden’s tyranny. You know him, you know him. Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Hello, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: Beard still going strong, huh Ted?

Ted Cruz: Oh, yeah. My beard is like January 6. Shocking at first, but sadly it’s been normalized.

Laura Ingraham: Speaking of January 6, now, you recently had to apologize for calling the Capitol rioters terrorists.

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I agree with you. 100%. I never should have called them terrorists. The truth is they are big burly men with big D energy. I like them a lot. I mean, they’re my cool friends. And Donald, if you’re watching, I love your baby. You are the king, honestly. Hit me.

Laura Ingraham: Did you just asked Trump to hit you?

Ted Cruz:  Oh, I don’t know. Hit me, choke me, spit in my face. I just want to stay in the mix.

Laura Ingraham: Thanks for being here, Ted.

Ted Cruz: Oh, and one more thing. I’d like to remind all my fellow Texans watching at home that February is gonna be a cold one. So you might want to book your vacated Cancún now. Live moss everybody.

Laura Ingraham: That’s great advice, Ted. I’d like to take a moment to thank my few remaining loyal sponsors. COVID NEGS. The COVID test is guaranteed to be negative even if you have it. COVID NEGS, I’m gone to your wedding. And False Alarm Medical Alert. If your grandkids think it’s the end, they’ll call. And white pizza for an Italian who’s too ethnic. Our next guest is the latest victim of the vaccine police with a name I somehow had an easier time learning to pronounce them Kamala Harris. Please welcome Novak Djokovic.

Novak Djokovic: Yeah. Thank you. Call me by my nickname, The Joker. Although right now I’m the least popular Joker except for Jared Leto.

Laura Ingraham: I found him relatable. So, Novak, you were deported from Australia for refusing to be vaccinated. And I never thought I would hear myself use the word deported in a bad way. What happened?

Novak Djokovic: I went to Australia. My visa was denied. But then I appealed to the judge and this was his ruling.

[Cut to an animated video of a tennis ball court]

Sound: Out.

Laura Ingraham: I must say, I am a fan of your sport because in tennis, love is bad. Now, why don’t you tell your side of the story while I stare into the camera like it’s a raw piece of steak.

Novak Djokovic: Thank you, Laura. You see, people love to tear you off your pedestal, you know, just because you’re really rich or you’re the best at tennis or you go to a charity event with 230 kids even though you’re dripping with COVID. But in my heart I know that one day people will look back on this moment in history and think “Who cares?”

Laura Ingraham: Thank you, Novak. See you at Wimbledon.

Novak Djokovic: Probably not.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. My next guest is here to address the Voting Rights bill which would make it easier for minorities to vote and harder for white people in Florida the vote twice. Please welcome my one black friend Candace Owens.

Candace Owens: Martin Luther King would have voted for Trump.

Laura Ingraham: Hello to you too.

Candace Owens: Laura, liberals tried to make everything about race. To quote the only words that Martin Luther King ever said, “I have a dream.” That’s it. End of quote. Nothing about money or jobs or schools unless you count his tombstone, which says, “Great job gang, racism over.”

Laura Ingraham: I hope people at home are writing this down.

Candace Owens: Thanks, Laura. Now it’s my greatest honor to continue to fight for African Americans, no matter how many times they asked me to stop.

Laura Ingraham: Thank you. Thank you, Candace. Now, I’d like to thank a few more of my loyal sponsors. Bible belts. Hold your pants up the way God intended with Bible Belts. Flower Poison, ever see a big garden full of flowers and think I wish they were dead? Flower Poison. And Paula Deen’s Chickpea Mash. It’s not radical Islamic hummus. It’s American chicken. Talk at the 2024 Republican primaries already heating up. So let’s talk to the svelte muscular  pound gorilla in the room, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Hello, Laura. It’s wonderful to be here. I’m back just like Tiger King 2. You have fun the first time and now you’re like, “How are more people from this not in jail yet?”

Laura Ingraham: Now, Mr. President, you’re out on the trail again, creating controversy with your typical wacko stuff and uncharacteristically reasonable takes on booster shots. Would you like to give our viewers a taste?

Donald Trump: I sure would. Let’s get today’s wordle. Could we do that please? I got a booster, okay, because I made the booster. I made the beautiful vaccine. It’s an incredible vaccine. But it’s very unfair what’s happening with the COVID treatment, okay. White people are being told to get back of line. They’re being told back of line. Speaking of white people, John Mayer. John Mayer, he hasn’t had a hit in so long but we love Mayer so much. Body Wonderland. I mean, come on. It was tremendous music. I thought it was tremendous music with Body Wonderland. You know, I’d rather be Mayer of anything than be Governor Ron DeSantis. I’d beat him so bad if he went against me just like I beat Hillary okay. Because the only Hillary we like is Duff from How I Met Your Father. How I Me Your father, you know it doesn’t have the charm and sparkle of frankly mother. But we love Duff, okay. We love duff.  You know, she got her teeth fixed. Now they look like Jordan almonds. Lizzie McGuire, you know, they wanted to do a Lizzie McGuire with Hulu and Disney said “No sex.” They didn’t want the sex. So, they went their separate ways just like Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa. Let me tell you, Momoa is a very big boy. He is so big. He looks like a sexy devil. The Devil Wears Prada and Prada is right next to Tiffany’s. Tiffany is my daughter. Daughters is by John Mayer. And I’m gonna run through the host of your high schooler 2024 when you reelect Trump. Wordle.

Laura Ingraham: There it is. You got it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Jeanine Pirro Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day

Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman

Samuel Fields… Chris Redd

Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.

Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.

Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.

Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.

Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.

Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]

Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.

Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.

Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying…  and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.

Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.