Kristen Welker… Maya Rudolph
Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Joe Biden… Jim Carrey
Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon[Starts with Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Kristen Welker at her set]
Kristen Welker: Good evening. I’m Kristen Welker and it is the honor of a lifetime to moderate the second and praise Jesus, final presidential debate. Tonight we have a mute button because it was either that or tranquilizer darts and the president is a very high tolerance for those after his covid treatment. So, please welcome President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden.[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden walking in the stage.]
Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the debate. Are we ready to begin?
Joe Biden: Yes. But first, how does this mute button work? Do I just haul off and slap him in the mouth?
Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Vice President, we’ll take care of that on our own.
Joe Biden: Are you sure? Because I think everybody would love to see me do it.
Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Really, you think you’re some kind of tough guy coz of all that money you got from China?[Joe Biden walks towards Donald Trump to fight but gets stopped by Kristen Welker]
Kristen Welker: Uh-uh-uh. [Kristen Welker is pointing at a button on her table] I’ll push it. I’ll push it. It’s not connecting to anything but I will push it. Now our first question on the coronavirus is for President Trump. More than Rudy Giuliani0,000 Americans are in the hospital tonight with covid. How would you lead the country during the next stage of this crisis?
Donald Trump: What a nice question. Thank you, Hoda. Or can I just say you are really doing a great job.
Kristen Welker: Wow. It is creepier when you’re nice. But thank you.
Donald Trump: No, really, you’re taking really good care of us tonight. Now, could you just tell us about the specials please?
Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Trump, I am the moderator. Not your waitress.
Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Just some waters then, okay? Anyway, coronavirus are boring. Right? But we’re doing terrific. We’re rounding the corner. In fact we’re rounded so many corners. We’ve gone all the way around the block and we’re back but we’re back where we started in March.
Joe Biden: Come on, man. We’re in the middle of the third wave. Where I come from, if a girl give you a third wave, you were practically married. Doesn’t even know what time it is. It’s half past ‘come on, man!’
Donald Trump: No. It’s not a wave. A wave goes like this. [gesturing the wave form] And this is going like this. [gesturing the chart rising] Okay? And sure, there’s been a tiny coronavirus spike in Florida. And a tinsy spike in Arizona and a toonsy-woonsy in North Dakota, but who cares? A lot of people don’t know this but we’ve got another Dakota there somewhere.
Joe Biden: [talking to himself] Just breathe, Joe. If you don’t breathe, you’ll die.
Donald Trump: And just a couple of weeks. If you’ll vote for me, the vaccine will be here and will be distributed by the military.
Kristen Welker: I’m sorry. You said the military will distribute the vaccine?
Donald Trump: That’s right. The army will come and shoot it with a cannon into your face. Look, I had it. It was very mean to me. But I beat it. And now the doctors say I can never die. This virus said to me, “Sir, I have to leave your body.” The virus was crying, very sad. It didn’t want to leave my body. And the point is we’re all learning to live with it.
Joe Biden: Learning to live with it? We’re learning to die with it, man.
Kristen Welker: Oh, looks like Mr. Biden is so mad, he’s Eastwooding it a little bit.
Joe Biden: That’s right. Now, I believe the little lady asked you about a plan. Why don’t you enlighten us?
Donald Trump: I have a plan. It’s the most beautiful plan you’ve ever seen.
Joe Biden: You don’t even have a plan for me. First I’m creepy. Then I’m sleepy. You say I have dementia. Then you say I’m a criminal mastermind. Which one is it, Chemo-sabi?
Donald Trump: Look, I can’t show you my plan. It’s under audit along with my taxes which I’ve prepaid just like a drug dealer’s telephone. And I take full responsibility for the coronavirus even though it came from China on a plan piloted by Nancy Pilosi filled with Mexicans which we shot down over pedo-island.
Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t fall for that America. And I hate to curse in front of a woman but that’s a bunch of molarchy![right answer bell ringing]
Kristen Welker: And we have our first molarchy. If you’re playing Biden Bingo at home, take a shot. Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Thank you, Padma. Look, people love how I’ve handled the Wu-Tang virus. If he was in charge, we’d all be in our basements and that’s where the haunted Annabelle doll lives, okay? A lot of people are saying that’s a very scary doll. She’s so scary, some are saying that’s the most scary doll. And that’s not cowardly. That’s just smart, okay? We can’t spend all day in the basement. Because we’re all not rich like Joe with all the money he got from China.
Joe Biden: Look at me. Do I look remotely rich? If I have money, where am I spending it? I live in Delaware. A night out is $28. Come on! I bought this suit on a train. Come on. If I had 3 million extra dollars, would I be taking the train to work? No. I’d be pulling up to the capital in a candy red trans-am and Kenny Loggins playing in the back. Not a recording. The real Kenny Loggins. Can I get a ‘come on’?
Kristen Welker: Come on! Oh! That is fun. Now, president Trump, you said a vaccine would be coming within weeks. Is that true?
Donald Trump: Anything can be weeks, okay? A month is five weeks. But a year is 36 or something. But I guarantee you the vaccine is coming somewhere between two and 700 weeks. okay? Tell them we have to wear the stupid masks and a little goggles, and we are making so many ventilators and I don’t want to get everybody excited. But if elected, I promise everyone in America will be on a big beautiful ventilator.
Kristen Welker: Okay, great. That segways to healthcare in a scary way. Vide President Biden, what is your plan if Obamacare is struck down?
Joe Biden: I have a plan. It’s called ‘Biden care’. It’s like Obamacare but Biden. It may not talk as smooth, it may need a little bit more sunscreen than the previous Melanin Rich plan, but damn it, it’s got heart and it works!
Donald Trump: My plan is perfect. It’s a beautiful, beautiful plan.
Joe Biden: Show us the plan.
Donald Trump: I mean this plan is LA-10.
Joe Biden: Give me the plan, man.
Donald Trump: Large naturals, high booty, bad attitude, but she cute.
Joe Biden: Not a plan. Not a plan. That’s a planless man.
Donald Trump: Excuse me. I’d love to show the plan. But I can’t because it’s under audit like my taxes. And if you don’t believe me, you can talk to my lawyer Rudy Giuliani[Rudy Giuliani is shaking his hand inside his coat.]
Rudy Giuliani: What? No. It’s not what it looks like. My microphone was stuck on my balls. Is this another borat? You gotta tell me if it’s a borat.
Donald Trump: You’re in trouble now, Biden, because Rudy’s got a lot of sane and coherent information. It looks really bad for you, Joe. Tell him, Rudy.
Rudy Giuliani: Get ready for this truth bomb. Your son Hunter got $3 million from Moscow and his friend told me about the due, he has emails right there on the wet laptop from hell. And our eyewitness saw everything and he is blind.
Donald Trump: See? Even his nasty son is corrupt.
Joe Biden: [thinking in his mind] Don’t do it Joe. Don’t retaliate. Even though his kids are bunch of charity scamming right offs looking like they just came out of a two week Vegas [inaudible 00:08:Kristen WelkerRudy Giuliani] selling bad tubes to stupid people, children at the GMO chord.
Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, would you like to respond to that?
Joe Biden: No.
Kristen Welker: Very well. Then I’d like to move on to talking about race. Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Thank you Mindy, I love your project.
Kristen Welker: Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.
Donald Trump: Well, first of all, I am the least racist person in this room. I’ve done more for black people than anyone else except for maybe Lincoln. Black people love Lincoln and his cars. I see them driving his cars all the time. Sometimes there’s white people in the back, but not always. Thank you.
Joe Biden: You think you’re Lincoln because his nickname has the word ‘honest’ in it?
Kristen Welker: And mute. And that is about as well as the race section could have gone. As promised, I have saved exactly 60 seconds for climate change. Mr. Vice President.
Joe Biden: Well, since we’re almost out of time, oil – no, wind – yes, fracking depends on what state I’m in.
Donald Trump: This guy and his wind. He loves wind. Look. I know about wind than anyone, okay? Wind kills all the birds, chops them right out like a magic bullet and turns them into bird guacamole. Okay? It makes golf shots go bad and sometimes it gets real fast and turns into a twister and throws a cow right on top of Helen Hunt.
Kristen Welker: Wow. Okay. Thank you, Mr. President for sharing your poem about wind. At this point, we’ve come to our final question and it’s for both of you. I want you to imagine your inauguration day. What will you say to Americans who did not vote for you?
Donald Trump: Well, if they didn’t vote for me, I guess I’d say, “Ola.” For the rest of them, I’d just say – just remember how good things used to be back before the China plague. We have the lowest unemployment numbers in all categories. Blacks, Asians, Latinxs, brunetts, MILFS, LGBTQAnon. In conclusion, New York is a ghost town. Kids love cages and Joe Biden is from Kenya. Thank you.
Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, your turn.
Joe Biden: Look, everybody. You know who he is and you know who I am. I’m good old Joe. I’m reliable as a rock. I’ve got a five star safety rating and I’m ranked best mid size in my class by JD Power and Associates. I don’t have a golden toilet seat. I have a soft spongy one that hisses whenever I park my keister. There’s only two things I do. I kick ass and I take trains. And I don’t see any trains in sight. And that ladies and gentlemen, is no malarchy.[right answer bell ringing]
Kristen Welker: And with that malarchy, that’s bingo and I am drunk. Good luck, America.
Kristen Welker, Donald Trump and Joe Biden: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.