Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin
Raquel… Chloe Fineman
Christine… Cecily Strong
Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon
Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat
Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond
President Erdogan… Fred Armisen
[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]
Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?
[Raquel bring out a funny map]
As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.
As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?
Audience: A witch hunt!
Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?
Audience: No collusion.
Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –
Audience: Quid pro quo.
Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.
[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]
Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.
Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.
Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!
Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.
Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.
Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.
Christine: No, thank you, sir!
Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.
[Mikey walks in]
Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.
Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?
Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.
Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?
Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?
Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.
Audience: Sorry, no!
Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.
[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]
Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!
Donald Trump: You’re welcome.
Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.
Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.
[Aidy walks in]
Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!
Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?
Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.
Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.
Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.
[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]
Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.
[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]
Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!
Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.
[Pete comes in]
Pete: Oh, thank you.
Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.
Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.
Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?
Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!
Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?
[Lindsay Graham comes in]
Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.
Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.
Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.
Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.
Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.
Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?
Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.
Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.
Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.
[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump] [Lindsay Graham leaves]
Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.
[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]
Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!
Donald Trump: Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.
Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!
Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.
Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.
[Pete walks in]
Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.
Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!
Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!
[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]
Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.
[Bill Clinton walks in]
Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.
Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?
Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.
Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?
Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.
Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.
Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.
[Bill Clinton leaves]
Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.
[President Erdogan walks in]
President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha. Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.
Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.
President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.
Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.
President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \
Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.
President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.
Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.
President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?
Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.
President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.
Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.
President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.
Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.
President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?
Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.
President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.
Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”