Please Don’t Destroy – Road Trip

Jenna: I’ve just been doing a lot of press and these different jobs. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really really grateful. It’s just I’m starting to feel a little burnt out.

John: Oh, that sucks. Martin, are you ready with the playlist?

Martin: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, and I got the Slurpee.

Martin: Dude, nice.

Jenna: I’m sorry. What do you guys doing?

Ben: We’re going on a beautiful cross country American Road Trip.

John: Just us and the open road. It’s gonna be awesome.

Jenna: Wait, can I come?

[music palying]

All: [singing] Hit the open road and catch your ride
arms getting tan on the sunny side
John: I’m on the wheel

Martin: I’m on map

Ben: I’m on snacks

All: And Jenna’s job is to just relax
on a road trip
a great American road trip

we’re going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip
roll down the windows–

Martin: We missed the exit.

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: Okay, just look out for the next one. Need a little heads up?

Martin: Yeah. Okay. It’s just full hard doing music and that.

Ben: Price of being shotgun.

John: Yeah, no, no, it’s fine. Just let’s try to focus on Nav, alright?

Martin: Okay. Yeah. Focus on the Nav.

John: Yeah, thanks.

Martin: [in small voice] You’re not in charge of me.

[music playing]

All: Nod to convertibles when they pass
moon a trucker, put your cheeks on the glass
punch when you’re green, punch when you’re red
see a sign that says we’re going to hell
on a road trip
a great American roadtrip-

Ben: [to Jenna] Sorry, can we cool it with the Slurpee for a second? It’s just right in my ear.

Jenna: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Ben: It’s okay. I’m happy to buy everyone a Slurpee, but you’re just sucking on the- [Jenna doesn’t stop slurping] There’s none left.

Jenna: Okay! Can you scoot over? Your leg hair keeps pressing me.

Ben: Yeah, fine. I’ll move my leg.

Jenna: [checking her phone] Did you just Venmo request me for the Slurpee?

Ben: I don’t have any money, so.

[music playing]

All: Going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip-

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: We missed the god damn exit again, Martin?

Martin: I’m sorry, man. I’m getting like a ton of texts.

John: Who could you be texting that isn’t in this car right now?

Martin: It was my mom, man. My dad had a stroke.

Ben: I’m so sorry.

Martin: So yeah, [yelling] sorry I’m not focusing on the Nav.


Martin: I don’t know why I said that. He did not have a stroke.

John: Liar.

Ben: C’mon man.

John: Everybody, we’re having quiet time. Read a book or something.

[music playing]

All: Finally time to chill, I can do what I want
Dive into the new Michelle Obama

Jenna: I’m gonna puke.

John: Do not puke in my car, dude.

Jenna: I get carsick from reading.

Margin: Exit coming up in 1.2 miles.

Jenna: Pull over right now.

Ben: Well, you shouldn’t have sucked down that Slurpee so fast.

Jenna: Shut up, Ben.

Martin: 0.3 miles.

John: Mart, that means nothing to me.

Martin: You told me to focus on the Nav.

Jenna: Oh my god, it’s happening.

Martin: No, no, no, no.

[Jenna pukes Slurpee on car window.]

John: God, we’re going home.

[singing] Late at night and I feel so free
everyone’s asleep except for me
big bright moon hanging in the sky
NAV in my lap and-

[John looks back, and then hits a guy crossing the street]

Ben: What just happened?

John: Nothing. Go back to sleep, everybody. Thanks.

[police siren]

Will you turn the AC on?

Martin: Hot or cold?

John: Both.

[The billboard with Jesus’s picture talks to John]

Jesus: I saw what you did.

All: On a road trip..

Please Don’t Destroy – Self-Defense

Kurt lightning… Travis Kelce

John: Dude, where are our coffees? Wasn’t an intern supposed to grab them?

Ben: Let me check. Looks like they said we don’t get coffee’s for little bitch boys.

John: Again?

Ben: I mean, come on, man? Are we little bitch boys?

John: Guys, we need to learn how to stick up for ourselves.

Ben: We can’t keep getting bullied by interns.

John: I think I know someone who can help us.

Kurt Lightning: I’m Kurt lightning. And I know why you all signed up for my class. You’re searching for confidence. The confidence of not only knowing you can defend yourself, but that you’re somebody worth defending. Say it with me, I am worth it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Say it’s like you mean it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Feel it. You, get up here. What’s your name, son?

John: John.

Kurt Lightning: Oh, John. I can hear it in your voice. You feel small, don’t you son?

John: Yes.

Kurt Lightning: You got to own it, son. Own your truth.

John: I feel small.

Kurt Lightning: But you’re not small. Put your hands up. I am going to strike. And when I strike you deflect. And I want you to hit me back. And when you do, imagine I’m the voice in your head telling you “You aren’t worth it.” Because what are you?

John: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Now, are you ready?

John: I am ready.

[Kurt Lightning punches John so hard, he is knocked out on the floor]

Kurt Lightning: Woo-hoo. Too slow, fasto. Who’s next?

Ben: John? Are you okay? [to Kurt Lightning] Why did you do that to him?

Kurt Lightning: You’re next.

Ben: No, no, I don’t want to-

Kurt Lightning: Why are you so afraid, son?

Ben: You punched my friend and I’m worried he’s dead.

Kurt Lightning: That’s not it. You’re afriaid that your father was right.

Ben: I don’t want to talk about him.

Kurt Lightning: Well, that’s not an option. Because your father was wrong.

Ben: Kurt, please.

Kurt Lightning: You are a man and I need you to tell him that.

Ben: But how?

Kurt Lightning: Close your eyes.

[Kurt Lightning punches Ben so hard, now he is also knocked out on the floor]

Martin: Oh!

Kurt Lightning: Didn’t stand a chance, bucko! He really closed his eyes. [everyone is laughing]

Martin: Is this what the class is?

Kurt Lightning: You’ve been scared your whole life.

Martin: Oh, no.

Kurt Lightning: You lost your mother at a young age.

Martin: That didn’t happen.

Kurt Lightning: Because your father wasn’t there to protect her.

Martin: You’re making stuff up, man.

Kurt Lightning: But I’m here to show you that a man can defend the ones he loves. I want you to punch this woman right here. [there’s an old lady standing beside him]

Martin: No way.

Kurt Lightning: And I will deflect your strike.

Martin: Okay, but why are we doing this?

Kurt Lightning: I want to show you a real man defends the woman he loves.

Martin: Right, but you’re positive that you will block.

Kurt Lightning: Absolutely.

Martin: Because if I hit this woman, she will die.

Kurt Lightning: Punch her or I’m gonna punch you.

Martin: Okay, you got it.

[The old lady blocks the punch]

Old lady: Nice try, bitch.

Martin: Oh my god.

[Old lady throws Martin hard]

Kurt Lightning: Oh, Shally, you did that damn thing.

[a revolver falls out of Martin’s pants]

John: Martin, a revolver fall out of your pants? Why do you have this?

Martin: Because I live in fear. What do you think of in this class?

Old lady: Give me that. [throws all the bullet away except one] You want to play a game?

John: What? Russian Roullette?

Old lady: Ha-ha-ha. Feeling lucky, slick?

John: Come on, don’t do it.

[Ben throws the old lady to the shelf]

Ben: Are you okay? Oh my god.

[Kurt Lightning starts clapping. Everybody starts clapping.]

Kurt Lightning: Great work guys. You finally stood up for yourself.

Martin: What the hell are you talking about?

Kurt Lightning: I think somebody owes you some coffees.

[the interns walk in with coffees]

Ben: What? The interns?

Intern: Hey guys, after you shove that old lady into the trophy case, I finally respect you.

Ben: Thanks, guys.

[Kurt Lightning hits all three of them and they all fall]

Intern: And here’s your coffee. [they throw coffee on their faces]

Please Don’t Destroy – The Stakeout

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, and Martin Herlihy in their office.]

Ben: Fellaas, what are we up to tonight? You guys come on over play Tony Hawk I’m busy?

John: I’m busy tonight.

Martin: I’m tired tonight.

Ben: You’re busy and you’re tired.

John: But maybe tomorrow.

Ben: Oh yeah. Cool. Cool. No sweat.

Martin: Next time.

[John and Martin leave] [Woody Harrelson walks in knocking the door]

Woody: Hey man. Everything okay with you and your little friends?

Ben: I don’t know. I’m kind of worried they’re hanging out without me.

Woody: Do you think maybe we should follow them to find out?

Ben: Follow them? You don’t mean-?

Woody: Yeah. Stakeout.

[Ben and Woody are following John and Martin. They reach a house.]

Woody: What are they doing out here in the suburbs?

Ben: Whose house is this?

[John and Martin are playing video game together.]

John: Kickflip.

Martin: Oh dude, oli, oli. I just olied.

Ben: Wow, dude. Okay, I’m gonna text them.

[Ben texts them]

John: Who’s that?

Martin: Ben.

[Martin looks at the message and throws the phone into the trash]

Ben: Did he just throw his phone away?

Woody: That’s a low blow. Well, [pulls out a gun] time to go in there and kill them.

Ben: No, man. What?

Woody: We’ll make it look like a robbery.

Ben: Jesus, dude. That’s not why we’re here. We’re just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What’s going on with them?

[John and Martin are not cuddling]

Ben: They look really cozy.

John: It’s really nice.

Martin: Yes.

[John and Martin start kissing]

Woody: Hey, are they together?

Ben: What?

Woody: Alright, should we head out?

Ben: No, we’re not done, man. Oh my god.

[John is holding a baby]

Woody: They got a baby too.

John: I’ll email them.

Martin: Kids, dino nuggets are ready.

John: Come on, daddy made your favorite.

[two other children run into the kitchen]

Ben: They have a family?

[a teenager joins them at the dinner table]

Woody: Oh-oh, and one moody teen.

Teen: Dino nuggets again?

Martin: Okay, mister, I worked very hard-

John: Okay, radical acceptance.

Ben: This is insane.

Woody: Ben, it’s 2015. It’s not insane to be gay.

Ben: It’s not 2015, man! And I’m not mad they’re gay. I’m mad they have a secret beautiful life they never told me about.

Woody: Well, maybe they’re just afraid to tell anyone.

[Kenan walks in the house]

Kenan: I brought Keesh.

John: Oh my god. Kids, uncle Kenan’s here.

Ben: Uncle Kenan? Okay, well, I’m gonna text him because Kenan wouldn’t lie to me.

[Ben texts Kenan. Kenan checks his phone, shakes his head and throws his phone into the trash]

They can’t just keep throwing their phones away.

Woody: Man, you never saw any signs of this in the past.

Ben: I mean, not that I remember. We would just hang out and laugh together. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. They can’t risk losing me because they love me too much.

Woody: Are you sure?

[The kids are hitting a punching bag that has Ben’s face on it with baseball bats]

Ben: Where did they even get that?

John: Alright, kids. Time for bed. We got work to do.

Ben: Work? What work?

[John and Martin are auditioning for ‘new Ben’]

Martin: Next. Excellent. Whenever you’re ready.

[there are few people who are auditioning for the role]

Woody: It’s like they’re doing auditions to replace you.

Actor: Oh, John, did you get a weird new haircut?

John: Way funnier than Ben?

Ben: Okay, I’m going in there.

John: And Saturdays, you’re available? Because-

Martin: Ben, it’s not what it looks like.

Ben: Then tell me what it is.

Martin: John and I have a secret family and we’re holding auditions to replace you.

Ben: That’s what I thought it was. This is insane, man. Why are you doing this?

John: You’re right, man. What are we doing? We shouldn’t be holding auditions to replace him.

Martin: Because the group would be fine if it was just us two.

Ben: Wha?

John: But we wouldn’t do that to you. Because there’s only one you.

Martin: And you are irreplaceable. Right, Ben?

[Woody is wearing red wig. He has already replaced Ben.]

Woody: Thanks, guys. Bad Boys for life. Man. I feel like we’re back at NYU right now.

[Cut to John and Martin watching the video at their office.]

Martin: Oh my God, he is so much better than Bne.

John: He’s the perfect replacement.

Please Don’t Destroy – Plirts

Ben: I don’t know, something like that.

Austin: Gerace Jim Henson. Yeah, that bet could be a funny sketch.

Ben: Thanks, man. Yeah. Hey, why don’t we celebrate with a glass of red wine?

Austin: it’s pretty early, but okay.

Ben and John: Oh, cheers.

[Ben and John pulls out glasses of wine and intentionally pour them on their shirts]

Ben: Oh, my shirt. Now I’m gonna look like a slob for the date I have tonight.

John: Gosh, Austin, don’t you hate when this happens? I just wish there was a solution to this very common problem. [looks at the door] [loudly] I said I wish there was a solution to this very common problem.

Ben: Mart!

[Martin walks in wearing a plastic shirt]

Martin: Well now, there is. With the Plirt, the world’s first shirt made of 100% real plastic.

Ben: That’s plastic? But it looks just like a regular shirt.

Martin: I know it does. But it’s made of plastic which means its spills and stains rinse right off.

Austin: Guys, what’s going on?

[John throws wing at Martin and wipes the wine right out]

Ben and John: Wow.

John: Thanks so Martin’s Plirt, his date night just turned into a sex night. [now Ben and John are also wearing the Plirt] Man, they are comfy. Hey, Martin, this company looking for investors?

Martin: They need investors bad because they’re so in the red right now.

John: Austin?

Austin: Oh, you want me to invest in your company?

Martin: And would you believe us if we told you they were good for the environment?

Austin: Plastic shoots? No.

Martin: Exactly. It’s not. But I was hoping you would believe.

Ben: Come on, Elvis. Try one on.

Austin: Geez, okay. [now he’s also wearing a Plirt] This is more like a phone case.

John: So, do you want to invest? We googled them we know you have enough money.

Austin: Well guys, I can’t move my arms in this.

Ben: Sure, you can watch me grab this cup. [he can’t] I almost had it.

Martin: Bottom line, Plirts are stylish, stain proof and not for pregnant women.

Austin: What was the last one?

Ben: Sleek, lightweight and internal temperature of 110 degrees.

Devon: That’s why I always wear my Plants. [he’s wearing a plastic pants]

Austin: You too?

Marcello: And they also sell Plats and Plackets. [comes in wearing plastic hat and jacket]

Martin: And for summertime fun, they even sell Plinkinis and Plimplungs.

Austin: I feel like I’m having a stroke. Why are you guys talking like this?

John: Because we need that money, man. We make $30 a video. Just gve us the money.

Austin: How did you get the money for the Plothing?

Martin: I got a little help from a girlfriend.

[Lizzo comes in wearing plastic dress]

Lizzo: Hi, babe.

Martin: Oh, hey sweetie.

Austin: You’re dating Lizzo?

Martin: Yeah, man. My life’s a [bleep] movie.

Lizzo: Oh, and by the way, Martin, I got no Planties on.

Austin: What is going on?

Marcello: Dude, where the hell did you get this plastic.

Ben: Jersey, why?

Marcello: The Plat made my hair fall out. [He shows his head. He’s bald.]

Austin: Guys, these are dangerous and insane. They do not belong in the office or on the streets. They belong in the runway.

[cut to them having a photoshoot for Plirts.]

Austin: Love might just be a chemical, then again, so is plastic.

Female voice: Plirts by Plirts Jacobs.

Please Don’t Destroy – Chelsea

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Chelsea… Sarah Sherman

Courtney… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ben, John and Martin in their office.]

John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?

Ben: Your ex Chelsea?

John: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.

Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.

Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.

Martin: Just like a negative person.

Ben: Like a bad person.

Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”

Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.

Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.

Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”

Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”

Ben: She stung. She was stinky.

Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?

John: We got back together.

Ben: You did?

John: And she’s right here.

[Chelsea is sitting on the couch right beside them]

Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?

Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.

Ben: Love it.

Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.

John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.

[The whole family is on Zoom group call]

Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.

Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…

[Ben closes the computer]

Ben: Close out of that one.

Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?

Chelsea: I do.

Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.

Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.

[Cortney is also sitting on the couch]

Courtney: Wow.

Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.

Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.

John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?

[There’s a stenographer in front of the door]

Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Martin: Where are all of you coming from?

Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.

Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.

Ben: What? That’s your wife?

Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.

Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.

Martin Short: Favorite host?

Ben: Damn it.

Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.

Michael Che: Not cool, guys.

Ben: Che?

Martin: Why were back there?

Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?

Ben: ABC rule.

Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.

Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.

John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.

[Ben is now sitting between John, Chelsea and Courtney.]

Ben: That’s really not cool, man.

Martin: Oh my god.

Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.

All: Yay.

Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.

[Chelsea’s dad walks in]

Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.

[Starring Sarah Sherman’s Real Dad]

Please Don’t Destroy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy in their office looking exhausted]

Ben: Man I haven’t been feeling good lately. Just like healthy healthy.

John: Totally. I’ve been feeling Fuego.

Martin: Looking Fuego too.

Ben: It’s so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves. You know what I mean? Like, wellness.

John: Wellness. Oh my god. It’s so important.

Ben: My big thing I’m trying to crack right now is my screen time. Right now, I’m up to 23 and a half hours a day.

Martin: You got to do better.

Ben: That’s not great.

John: I’ve been trying to get in shape. Have you guys heard of intermittent fasting?

Ben: Yeah. Are you doing that?

John: No, I’m doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, I’m not sleeping.

Ben: Is it working?

John: Not yet.

Ben: Okay, cool. Mark, how about you?

Martin: Oh, well, I got this new post workout smoothie I’ve been loving.

Ben: Oh, smoothies time what’s in it?

Martin: Just like milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce.

John: Oh, a milkshake.

Martin: A milkshake, yes. Why? What did I say?

Ben: We’re doing so well.

Martin: So good.

John: The best.

Ben: And I’m feeling kind of miserable.

Martin: So miserable.

John: The worst. Oh, guys. I’m on a new medication.

Ben: That’s great, buddy.

John: It’s like Zoloft, but just the side effects. So very depressed, but my penis is broken.

Ben: That sucks.

Martin: And I just signed up for a new gym.

Ben: Which one you go with?

Martin: This is gonna sound kind of weird, but it’s called Cigarette Fitness.

Ben: Oh my god. So it’s a smoking gym?

Martin: A smoking gym. That’s right.

Ben: Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Bing. I’ve been mad into that.

Martin: God, we are doing so well right now.

Ben: Totally, we’re slipping away.

John: Ever since a pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer.

Martin: Dimmer, yeah.

Ben: Dating, yeah.

Martin: I’ve forgotten how to dance.

Ben: Oh, remember dancing?It was like… I don’t know why we ever did that.

Martin: Oh, I’ve been seeing a therapist.

Ben: Really?

Martin: Yeah, like all over the place. I don’t think she’s really there.

Ben: Oh, like a hallucination.

[Martin is seeing a woman waving at him standing behind Ben]

I’m trying to kick all my bad habits man. I mean, I gotta stop grinding my teeth.

[Ben shows his teeth. It looks horrible]

Is it bad?

John: Yes. You look like Gollum.

Martin: God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes and start screaming about how there’s too many wires in the world.

Ben: One day is all we ask.

All: Just one day.

[Cut to Wellness commercial video]

Female voice: Wellness, brought to you by Oral B mouthguards.

Please Dont Destroy Tommy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Tommy… Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with high school graduates having a party]

John: Yo, Anthony, get off the island, bro. My mom is gonna freak out. Oh my god.

Martin: John, this party rocks.

Ben: It’s like legendary.

Tommy: Totally. Let’s hope your mom lets him drink.

John: She’s got to. We’re seniors now.

Tommy: Seniors. God, it feels so weird to say that. So used to being the junior.

Martin: Look at us grown up.

Ben: Oh, I got my Penn State app done by the way.

John: Dude, me too brother.

Martin: Same. Hello? Future roomies. What about you, Tommy? Done with your app?

Tommy: Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m not applying to Penn State.

John: What? Why?

Ben: You’re playing Harvard aren’t you, pal?

John: Tommy!

Martin: Oh, you friggin brainiac!

Tommy: No, no. Guys, look, remember when I told you I was 17?

Ben: Yeah, we all are.

Tommy: I’m 67.

Martin: What?

Tommy: I’m 67 years old.

Ben: No, you’re 17, you’re from New Jersey. Your name is Tommy Porcha Purchiano.

Tommy: My name is Seamus O’sullivan. I’m a 67 year old Irishman.

John: So let me get this straight. when we would skip seven periods, sneak beers, you were what? Some old guy?

Tommy: Think about it. When you are dragging crappy beer, I was drinking?

John: A glass of whiskey with a big square ice cube.

Martin: but Porcha, you’re the craziest kid in school. I mean, you did drugs in class.

Tommy: Those were blood thinners.

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: So all those times after gym class when we were nervously changing and you were really comfortable being asked nude?

Tommy: That’s just the way old fellas are.

Ben: Tommy, why are you in high school?

Tommy: I don’t know. I just felt lost. And then I watched Gossip Girl. And it just seemed fun.

Ben, John and Martin: What?

Ben: Come on, man.

Margin: You watched Gossip Girl and enrolled in high school?

Tommy: [mocking] You saw Gossip girl and then you enrolled in high school? I saw it with my wife.

Ben: Dude, you have a wife?

Tommy: Yes. And 13 children. Ah! Do you think they’d be mad at me?

Martin: Of course they’re gonna be mad at you.

Ben: Come on guys, let’s get the hell out of here.

John: I do just have one question. What any of this real?

Tommy: Was it real? Ben, when you forgot your lunch money, what did I do?

Ben: You gave me half your cabbage.

Tommy: When we were having body image issues, what did I do to make you feel better?

Martin: You took your shirt off and jumped around a little.

Tommy: John, when your father passed, who was there to support your family?

John: You.

Tommy: Staying with your mother every night, giving her massages, sleeping in our bed?

John: I didn’t know that happened.

Tommy: Just saying. You’re my boys. Weren’t about to have an epic senior year.

Martin: Wait, then what about your family?

Tommy: Don’t be dumb. I’m not going to miss me senior year. Not when we finally run this school.

All: Yeah!

Martin: [showing his car keys] Anybody needs a lift?

[cut to Tommy, Ben, John and Martin on a car. Tommy is standing behind at the back of the pickup.”

Tommy: I feel infinite.

[now everyone is standing at the back of the pickup”

All: I feel infinite.

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Weekend Update Kate McKinnon on Floridas Dont Say Gay Bill

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week Florida’s controversial “Don’t say gay” bill passed its final state senate committee. Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

[Kate McKinnon slides in.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry to barge in here out of costume. I just heard about this law. And I think it’s amazing.

Colin Jost: You do?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word gay. Like, you know, “That’s so gay” or “Ew, you’re gay.” It just made me feel horrible and to hear that Ron Dis Candice has taken a stand and said, “No, you cannot say gay in school anymore.” I’m just like, I’m so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. So, actually, I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. The law actually means that you can’t acknowledge that gay exists at all.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, like teachers can’t speak about gay people in history or if a kid has a gay family member.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, and if a kid confides that they’re gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, sorry to break this to you. It’s probably affecting what you were gonna say.

Kate McKinnon: No, yeah. Okay, well, that’s okay. Oh, no, I’ll say something. It’s just that thing of like, when they say “Don’t say gay,” then it’s like stuck in your head. But it’s fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. Sorry. Deeply concerned. It just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans– Sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just think these laws are lesbians. Sorry. Unconscionable, unconscionable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple of times.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Well, I’m just trying to make sense of all this. Like, does this don’t say gay law have a purpose?

Colin Jost: Well, I think it’s so kids aren’t going home with questions that parents don’t want to answer. I don’t know what the idea is.

Kate McKinnon: So like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young? That’s good. They’ll be less confused.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, look Colin, if the 90s right and gay means bad, than this is the gayest law I have ever seen. So kids, listen up. If you can’t say it, you might as well sing it.

[singing in the rhythm of ‘Smoke on the water’] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay

Colin Jost: Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.