Please Dont Destroy Tommy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Tommy… Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with high school graduates having a party]

John: Yo, Anthony, get off the island, bro. My mom is gonna freak out. Oh my god.

Martin: John, this party rocks.

Ben: It’s like legendary.

Tommy: Totally. Let’s hope your mom lets him drink.

John: She’s got to. We’re seniors now.

Tommy: Seniors. God, it feels so weird to say that. So used to being the junior.

Martin: Look at us grown up.

Ben: Oh, I got my Penn State app done by the way.

John: Dude, me too brother.

Martin: Same. Hello? Future roomies. What about you, Tommy? Done with your app?

Tommy: Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m not applying to Penn State.

John: What? Why?

Ben: You’re playing Harvard aren’t you, pal?

John: Tommy!

Martin: Oh, you friggin brainiac!

Tommy: No, no. Guys, look, remember when I told you I was 17?

Ben: Yeah, we all are.

Tommy: I’m 67.

Martin: What?

Tommy: I’m 67 years old.

Ben: No, you’re 17, you’re from New Jersey. Your name is Tommy Porcha Purchiano.

Tommy: My name is Seamus O’sullivan. I’m a 67 year old Irishman.

John: So let me get this straight. when we would skip seven periods, sneak beers, you were what? Some old guy?

Tommy: Think about it. When you are dragging crappy beer, I was drinking?

John: A glass of whiskey with a big square ice cube.

Martin: but Porcha, you’re the craziest kid in school. I mean, you did drugs in class.

Tommy: Those were blood thinners.

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: So all those times after gym class when we were nervously changing and you were really comfortable being asked nude?

Tommy: That’s just the way old fellas are.

Ben: Tommy, why are you in high school?

Tommy: I don’t know. I just felt lost. And then I watched Gossip Girl. And it just seemed fun.

Ben, John and Martin: What?

Ben: Come on, man.

Margin: You watched Gossip Girl and enrolled in high school?

Tommy: [mocking] You saw Gossip girl and then you enrolled in high school? I saw it with my wife.

Ben: Dude, you have a wife?

Tommy: Yes. And 13 children. Ah! Do you think they’d be mad at me?

Martin: Of course they’re gonna be mad at you.

Ben: Come on guys, let’s get the hell out of here.

John: I do just have one question. What any of this real?

Tommy: Was it real? Ben, when you forgot your lunch money, what did I do?

Ben: You gave me half your cabbage.

Tommy: When we were having body image issues, what did I do to make you feel better?

Martin: You took your shirt off and jumped around a little.

Tommy: John, when your father passed, who was there to support your family?

John: You.

Tommy: Staying with your mother every night, giving her massages, sleeping in our bed?

John: I didn’t know that happened.

Tommy: Just saying. You’re my boys. Weren’t about to have an epic senior year.

Martin: Wait, then what about your family?

Tommy: Don’t be dumb. I’m not going to miss me senior year. Not when we finally run this school.

All: Yeah!

Martin: [showing his car keys] Anybody needs a lift?

[cut to Tommy, Ben, John and Martin on a car. Tommy is standing behind at the back of the pickup.”

Tommy: I feel infinite.

[now everyone is standing at the back of the pickup”

All: I feel infinite.

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Weekend Update Kate McKinnon on Floridas Dont Say Gay Bill

Colin Jost

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week Florida’s controversial “Don’t say gay” bill passed its final state senate committee. Here to comment is Kate McKinnon.

[Kate McKinnon slides in.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Kate. Thank you for being here.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry to barge in here out of costume. I just heard about this law. And I think it’s amazing.

Colin Jost: You do?

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. Because, you know, when I was in middle school in the 90s, I was kind of like tortured by the constant use of the word gay. Like, you know, “That’s so gay” or “Ew, you’re gay.” It just made me feel horrible and to hear that Ron Dis Candice has taken a stand and said, “No, you cannot say gay in school anymore.” I’m just like, I’m so jazzed. And in Florida of all places.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. So, actually, I feel like there’s been a misunderstanding. The law actually means that you can’t acknowledge that gay exists at all.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, like teachers can’t speak about gay people in history or if a kid has a gay family member.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, and if a kid confides that they’re gay to a teacher, the teacher has to out them to their parents.

Kate McKinnon: What?

Colin Jost: Yeah, sorry to break this to you. It’s probably affecting what you were gonna say.

Kate McKinnon: No, yeah. Okay, well, that’s okay. Oh, no, I’ll say something. It’s just that thing of like, when they say “Don’t say gay,” then it’s like stuck in your head. But it’s fine. Okay. Anyway, I am deeply gay. Sorry. Deeply concerned. It just feels like this is gonna make kids gay and trans– Sorry, depressed and suicidal. And I just think these laws are lesbians. Sorry. Unconscionable, unconscionable.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you ended up saying gay a couple of times.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Well, I’m just trying to make sense of all this. Like, does this don’t say gay law have a purpose?

Colin Jost: Well, I think it’s so kids aren’t going home with questions that parents don’t want to answer. I don’t know what the idea is.

Kate McKinnon: So like, one kid can say I live with my parents, but another one has to say I live in a house with two adult men who bought me when I was young? That’s good. They’ll be less confused.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it does sound like it would be more confusing.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, look Colin, if the 90s right and gay means bad, than this is the gayest law I have ever seen. So kids, listen up. If you can’t say it, you might as well sing it.

[singing in the rhythm of ‘Smoke on the water’] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay

Colin Jost: Kate McKinnon, everyone.

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.

Please Dont Destroy Three Sad Virgins ft Taylor Swift

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Pete Davidson

Taylor Swift

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy at their office.]

Ben Marshall: Just feels like the whole thing is there.

[door knocking]

John Higgins: Come on in.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what’s up, boys?

Ben Marshall: Hey, Pete in the house.

Martin Herlihy: The king of Staten Island himself.

Pete Davidson: What?

Martin Herlihy: Nothing. What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Well, I just want to say first off you guys have been making some really fun videos for the show this year.

Ben Marshall: Thank you, man. That’s very nice.

Pete Davidson: It got me thinking. I was like, we should all do a video together. I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video about how we’re all like best friends and how we’re like boys.

Ben Marshall: Then we would be in it with you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, you guys would be the boys. So, yeah.

John Higgins: Yeah. Oh my god.

Pete Davidson: Let’s do it.

[music video starts]

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s Pete, PDD. Let’s go.

[rapping] Another day in the life of Pete
just sitting in the court side seat
People want to take my picture with selfie sticks
that winds up on page six
It’s never ending, everyday I’m trending
people want to see the text that I’m sending
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins

Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh

Ben Marshall: Hey, can we timeout for a second?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What’s going on, guys? Having fun?

John Higgins: I’m having a blast. Quick question. Is this about us?

Pete Davidson: Which part?

Martin Herlihy: I guess the three sad virgin part?

Ben Marshall: Like, we have had sex. Maybe not super recently. But…

Pete Davidson: Guys, it’s just a parody video. You guys are just playing characters.

Martin Herlihy: Characters.

Ben Marshall: So, people won’t think it’s us.

Pete Davidson: It’s not about you at all.

[back to music video] [rapping] The names are Martin, Ben and John
And they’ve worked at the show on Monday
just don’t have any swag
they’re tall and weird and sad

John’s loud but not very smart

Ben’s breath kind of smells like a fart
and Martin’s penis tip is way to red
at least that’s what his doctor said

Three sad virgins, woh

Three sad virgins, woh

John Higgins: Oh my god.

Martin Herlihy: That was my real doctor.

Ben Marshall: I gotta say something.

John Higgins: Yeah, you should. Yeah.

Ben Marshall: Pete.

Pete Davidson: What’s up?

Ben Marshall: We love it.

All: We love it.

Ben Marshall: I just had one like tiny thought.

John Higgins: This guy’s notes. leave it as it is. It’s rockin, dude

Pete Davidson: Do you have an ashtray by any chance? [John Higgins gives him his palm to put the ash on] Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Ben Marshall: Only the thing is, maybe it could just be like completely different.

Pete Davidson: Oh, okay.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, maybe it’s something topical like, Dune’s a big movie.

Ben Marshall: Something with Dune.

John Higgins: A Dune rap.

Pete Davidson: Alright. Alright, guys. It’s now a Dune rap. So, let’s get some [bleep] sand in here. Alright.

[rapping] The planet Dune is very nice
it’s a world that’s made a spice
it’s Sandy like a plier was Zendaya
I’m gonna ride a worm and these guys suck

Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune

John Higgins: Why is he humiliating us? Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy’s?

Ben Marshall: I can’t give you through it.
Martin Herlihy: Why are we up here?

John Higgins: He said we’re like the flying sad sag.

Ben Marshall: You know what? We can’t stand for this.

[Ben Marshall tries to get off the ropes, then falls down]

Pete Davidson: Are you guys ready to go again?

All: No.

Ben Marshall: We can’t do this anymore. Okay? It’s humiliating.

Pete Davidson: Damn, guys. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a fun thing for all of us. If it’s not then, let’s just end it.

John Higgins: Thanks, Pete.

Martin Herlihy: Thank you.

Pete Davidson: I mean, after we do the bridge.

John Higgins: Wait, what bridge?

[Taylor Swift walks in]

Taylor Swift: Hey, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, Taylor.

Taylor Swift: [singing] Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
he looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers
And Martin has the charm and sex appeal of a scarecrow
John has a big ass bowling ball head
How does he stay upright with that big fat head
and none of them have the guts to take their shirts off in front of a girl

Three sad virgins, what? 
Three sad virgins, who
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, woh

and they’re gonna die alone

Please Don’t Destroy – Calling Angie

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers of SNL in their office room]

Ben: I’m sorry you and Angie broke up but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

John: I’m not calling her guys.

Martin: Why not?

John: Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either. [sad music playing] I was really a jerk to her. I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

Martin: John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Ben: Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that. Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

[John calls Angie]

Angie: Hello.

John: Hey, Ange. It’s me. Yeah, it’s John. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Martin: What?

Ben: No! Why are you saying that?

Martin: Stop.

John: What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

Martin: Say what you said earlier.

Ben: Say something else.

Martin: The being vulnerable thing.

John: Go fuck yourself. I never liked you in the first place, girly.

Ben: What did she say?

John: You got to bail me out.

Ben: You want me to talk to her?

John: Bail me out. Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Ben: Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna– Fuck you.

Martin: No! Oh my god.

Ben: Fuck you, loser.

John: No!

Ben: Am I doing it too?

John: Yes.

Ben: I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

John: Get off the phone.

Martin: Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

Ben: Come on, man!

John: It’s my ex girlfriend. Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Martin: Oh, dude. It’s on mute. [unmutes] Fuck you, bitch.

Martin: Why are we so off today?

John: Ange?

[hangs up]

She hung up on me.

Ben: Are you serious?

Martin: Very mature.

John: Blew it again with the love of my life.

Martin: Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Ben: Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.” She did not like that.

John: But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends. She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song. She was– [phone ringing] Oh my god, she’s on her way up.

[Angie barges in]

Angie: You mother[bleep].

All: Angie.

[Angie smashes John’s head on the table]

Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking] [Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.

Please Dont Destroy

Ben Marshall

Martin Herlihy

John Higgins

[Starts with Martin Herlihy and John Higgins at SNL office in SNL writing night.] [rock music playing]

Martin Herlihy: Oh, I’m gonna have a drink.

John Higgins: Yes, sir. Watcha sipping on?

Martin Herlihy: Probably just a hard seltzer.

John Higgins: Nice. What kind?

Martin Herlihy: Just a JC Penny.

[John Higgins is surprised]

John Higgins: The department store?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, they’re doing hard seltzers now.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. Ever since White Claw blew up, everyone’s doing them. Bud LIght, Corona, JC Penny.

John Higgins: Don’t they just make clothes?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, I don’t know, man. Okay? I’m not in the board of the company. This is just a thing that I like. [takes a sip]

John Higgins: What flavor is it? [pulls out a can from the pack and reads] Men’s jackets?

Martin Herlihy: It’s not all men’s jackets. It’s a variety pack. I’m sippin’ on belts and ties.

John Higgins: Does it taste like belts and ties?

Martin Herlihy: No, it tastes like grape. You stupid?

Ben Marshall: Ben in the house.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, Ben man.

Ben Marshall: Oh, you drinking JCPs?

Martin Herlihy: You know it!

John Higgins: You know about this?

Ben Marshall: Got some seltzers myself.

John Higgins: Jiffy Lube?

Ben Marshall: Lube it up. Cheers man. Good to see you.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Martin Herlihy: Come on! Everyone’s doing it. JC Penny, Jiffy Lube.

Ben Marshall: Exxon, Verizon.

Martin Herlihy: Dr. Riccardi.

John Higgins: Who?

Martin Herlihy: My dentist. [shows him a can of seltzer with his dentist’s photo on it]

Ben Marshall: That one’s actually really good.

John Higgins: I don’t understand why you like these.

Ben Marshall: You don’t have to understand everything, John.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah, like, we don’t understand what you see in your girlfriend.

John Higgins: What?

Martin Herlihy: We don’t get angry.

Ben Marshall: No, we don’t yell at you.

Martin Herlihy: No.

John Higgins: Am I awake?

Ben Marshall: I also got the summer variety pack.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, nice. This is awesome.

Ben Marshall: That’s for everybody. And John, if you want one, take one.

[Martin Herlihy pours a belt buckle in his mouth while drinking the seltzer.]

Martin Herlihy: Oh! I hate it when these get in there.

Ben Marshall: A belt buckle?

Martin Herlihy: Yeah. JC Penny ones, sometimes they get in there.

John Higgins: Stop slurping like that.

Ben Marshall: Just chill out. Oh, who is this impression of? [mocking] Oh, I’m John.

Martin Herlihy: John.

John Higgins: Me.

Ben Marshall: Yeah, it’s John.

John Higgins: Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Does the [bleep] desk have one?

Martin Herlihy: I don’t know. Really not.

Ben Marshall: I don’t know.

[John Higgins pulls out a can of seltzer out of desk. It’s written ‘DESK’ on it.]

Martin Herlihy: Okay, so yeah. The desk has one.

John Higgins: What is going on?

Ben Marshall: Try one!

John Higgins: Fine!

[John Higgins opens the can and drinks the seltzer.]

That’s pretty goo. Oh my god!

Ben Marshall: Cheers!

Martin Herlihy: Cheers, brother!

John Higgins: I was wrong.

Male voice: DESK Hard Seltzer, it’s in the desk.