Trip… Mikey Day
Beef… Jason Momoa
… Beck Bennett
… Kenan Thopmson
… Alex Moffat
… Chris Redd
Finnegan…Kyle Mooney[Starts with an intro]
Narrator: You’re watching TVS. And now back to the 1985 campus comedy “Day Of The Dorks”.[Cut to six students in a well furnished room]
Trip: I’ve had it with these dorks! First they ruin our homecoming party with their dump pranks and now they’re beating us in the Greek Week Olympiad! [Cut to Trip] We’re Sigma Theta. We can’t lose to a bunch of dorks!
Beef: [Cut to Beef] I hate dorks.
Trip: [Cut to Trip] We all do, Beef. That’s why we need to get rid of them once and for all.
Beck: [Cut to Beck] No one makes fools of Sigma Theta, especially not a bunch of dorks.
Beef: [Cut to Beef]Dorks!
Beck: They win one more event [Cut to Chris, Alex, Beck and Kenan] at Greek Week, they’ll get to move in to our frat house.
Kenan: [Kenan stands] Man, this house belongs to us. Not those dang dorks!
Beef: [Cut to Beef breaking the chair out of anger] Dorks.
Trip: [Cut to everybody] Yeah! All right! Yeah! Also, take it easy on our furniture, [Cut to Trip] Beef. Alright, we have to pay for that stuff man. Good news, gentlemen, is that I have a way to stop the dorks.
Beef: [Cut to Beef] Kill the dorks.
Trip: [Cut to Trip] Not that, Beef. But I do think I have a way to kill their pathetic excuse for a frat.
Beef: [Cut to Beef] With a knife?
Trip: [Cut to Trip] All right. Stop with that stuff, please, Beef. It’s freaking me out. Now, what does the dean hate most?
Beef: [Cut to Beef, acting happy] Dorks!
Trip: [Cut to Trip] No, cheating. And what happens to a frat caught cheating during Greek Week?
Beef: [Cut to Beef] They die!
Beck: [Cut to Beck] Beef, please listen. alright? Trip is hatching a plan.
Kenan: [Cut to Alex and Kenan] Trip, the dorks won’t cheat, man. Not only are dorks fair, they’re clever. And they know it.
Alex: Just thinking of the smug faces on those dorks. Oh, god!
Beef: [Cut to Beef] Dork faces! [Beef gets angry, screams, runs to the foosball and breaks it] [Cut to everybody]
Trip: Beef, man! Why did you do that? [Cut to Beef and Trip] That was a gift from the alumni!
Beef: Because Beef hates dorks!
Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] We know but we all really liked and use that foosball table a lot.
Beck: Beef, we love how much you hate dorks. And we all admire your passion [Cut to everybody] but wrecking stuff we use doesn’t help.
Chris: Yeah, maybe grab a pen and jot down notes on like, what you’re going to do to help to get rid of these dorks. That would help a lot.
Beef: Beef can’t write.
Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] Oh, Beef, really? You have been in college for eight years, man. How do you not know how to write?
Beef: [Cut to Beef and Trip] Because of dorks.
Kenan: [Cut to Kenan] I don’t know Beef. I feel like that’s on you, man.
Beck: [Beck goes to Beef, tells him to go outside. Beef goes outside] Alright, make them drink from the hose. Right? I’ll tell you about the plan after. I love Beef, but what’s his deal? Have any of you ever met his parents? How is he paying for an Ivy League School?
Trip: I don’t know. What matters right now is getting rid of the dorks. [Trip walks towards the other door] Now, as you all know, my father has a great deal of money. [Beef is drinking water from the pipe outside the window, looking inside] And every dork has his price. Guys, meet Finnegan. [Finnegan comes inside the room] My dork on the inside.
Finnegan: Gentlemen, as a dork myself, I can tell you— [Looks at Beef outside the window] I’m sorry, is he okay?
Beef: [Beef is angry looking at Finnegan] Dork!
Trip: Yeah, he’s fine, [Trip closes the curtains to the window] he’s fine. Alright, Finnegan, please continue.
Finnegan: Okay. Well, [Cut to Finnegan] if there’s one thing we dorks love more than computers, it’s girls. If you jocks can help me get a girlfriend—[Beef breaks the wall and pulls Finnegan out through the wall]
Beef: Dorks! Dorks![Playing outro]