Mail in Testing Service

Shawn… Owen Wilson

Aristotle Athari

Mark… Andrew Dismukes

Dorothy… Sarah Sherman

Mailman… Chris Redd

[Starts with Shawn setting up his set]

Shawn: Come on! Let’s move those soft light over there an and then we’re gonna lock up set.

Aristotle: Shawn, the clients are here.

Shawn: Great. Bring them in. Okay, here we go.

[Mark and Dorothy walk in. They both are doctors.]

Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson. Welcome to your commercial.

Dorothy: Wow, you guys got a professional setup over here.

Mark: Yes, very impressive.

Shawn: Thank you. And these are your marks right here. You’re just gonna stand there and all I need you to do is speak right to the camera.

Mark: Sounds great.

Dorothy: Love that. Can do.

Shawn: Let’s shoot this puppy. Quite on set.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay, Robinson’s Main-In stool testing. Take one.

Shawn: And action!

Dorothy: Hi. I’m Dr. Dorothy Robinson and this is my husband Dr. Mark.

Mark: Hello.

Dorothy: Stool testing can provide advanced diagnosis of harmful diseases and genetic pre-dispositions.

Mark: And with our mail-in kit, you’ll be able to test your stool without ever leaving your house.

Dorothy: Many people are hesitant to mailing their stools. Why? Because they’re worried that someone might take it out and mess around with it.

Mark: That’s why at Robinsons’, we guarantee that we won’t!

Dorothy: We want to do one thing and one thing only with your stool. And that’s testing for diseases.

Mark: We’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases, then that thing is going right in the trash. I promise!

Dorothy: You can trust Robinsons’ staffs will absolutely not mess around with it, play around with it, goof around with it, anything like that.

Mark: That’s why, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash.”

Shawn: Okay. Let’s cut here. Pretty good. I really love your good chemistry. I gotta stay honest with you guys. It seems like you’re gonna take it out and play with it.

Mark: Okay. Explain that.

Dorothy: Yea, coz you say– We’re saying that we’re not.

Shawn: I get it. But I think what’s happening it’s a little too direct. And maybe even so direct that it becomes suspicious.

Mark: Oh, okay.

Dorothy: Yea, I get that.

Shawn: Great. Okay. So, maybe we try not to be so definite about it this time. Just don’t hit it quite as hard, okay?

Mark: Definite, got it.

Dorothy: Got you boss. Got you boss.

Shawn: Alright. Let’s go again.

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take two.

Shawn: Action!

Dorothy: Hi there. Lots of people don’t want to mail us their stool because they’re worried we might take em’ out and mess around with them a little bit.

Mark: But at Robinsons’, our process is simple. We take it out, test it for diseases, and after that, who knows what we’re gonna do?

Dorothy: Yea, who knows? Maybe we’ll mess it around a little bit, maybe we won’t.

Mark: Every rose has its thorn. In this case, the rose is we will test it for diseases. The thorn, maybe we take it out and mess around a little bit.

Dorothy: That’s why at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, test it for diseases. Then that thing’s going right in the trash… Maybe!”

Shawn: Okay. Cut. Guys, I feel like I gotta ask. Do you take it out and mess around with it?

Dorothy: You know, I was worried people might think that.

Mark: Yeah. Guess we got to hit that little bit harder, huh?

Shawn: No, no. Do not hit it any harder. That’s making me think that you do.

Dorothy: Okay. I think that’s just a you thing. Hey, buddy. [calling Aristotle] Okay. Do you think we’re just gonna take these things out, mess around with them, goof around with them a little bit?

Aristotle: Yes, I do.

Shawn: I think just don’t mention it all and no one will think that you do. If they do, then that’s their problem.

Dorothy: Okay, yeah. You’re right. That’s their problem.

Mark: Great call.

Shawn: Thank you. For that respect. Okay. This is the one, guys. Let’s do it!

[Aristotle walks in with a clapperboard]

Aristotle: Okay. Robinsons’ mail-in stool testing. Take three.

Shawn: [whispering] Action.

Dorothy: Dorothy here. I got a question for you. [yelling] Who the hell do you think you are? You think we can’t help ourselves around your precious little stool?

Mark: You think you’re special? We see thousands of these things every day. You think there’s something so tempting about your’s?

Dorothy: Just ask our mailman. [Mailman walks in] Ay, mailman. You don’t mind carrying these things around, right?

Mailman: I don’t mind.

Dorothy: thank you.

Mailman: I don’t mind at all.

Mark: We’re professionals, people. We take our jobs seriously. And we value your trust.

Dorothy: that’s why we at Robinsons’, our motto is…

Both: “Robinsons’, we’re gonna take it out, and play around with it.”

Mark: Okay, that felt great. I think we got it.

Dorothy: Now, who wants to mess around with one of those things?

Mark: We got plenty.

Active Jack

Cecily Strong

Jack Taylor… Kevin Hart

Cindy… Melissa Villaseñor

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Old Jack Taylor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Cecily in her set]

Cecily: Thank you for joining us for our annual PBS Pledge Drive. As you know, public television has brought so many wonderful educational shows for our children throughout the years including Active Jack. [Cut to DVD cover of Active Jack] In 1971, [cut to Cecily] long before the push for youth fitness, Active Jack Taylor was getting kids all over the country to get out there and move. And who could forget the classic opening theme.

[Cut to opening theme of Active Jack] [music playing]

Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. It’s time to get off the couch and get moving. Ha-ha. Can you move? Well, can you groove? Solid! Everyone…

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me

I got lazy, move around
I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
let’s go, up, up, up and down, down, down
one more time, I go up, up, up and down, to the ground


[two girls join Jack Taylor]

Cindy: Hey, Jack.

Dorothy: Hey, Jack.

Jack Taylor: Hey, wad up, girls? Hey. Are y’all ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Cindy: We sure are.

Dorothy: My doctor says exercise is good for me.

Jack Taylor: Oh, yeah. Then let’s get into it. Take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

Cindy: Hey, Jack. What kind of exercise are we gonna do today?

Jack Taylor: Oh, dig this. It’s called the South Philly breakdown, okay?

[Jack Taylor does the exercise. Another guy and a come in dancing to join. Everybody are copying what Jack Taylor is doing.]


Dorothy: Wow. That was way cool, jack.

Jack Taylor: Oh. Well, it ain’t nothing to me. So, get moving. Hah! And be like Active Jack!

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Wonderful. And now, we at PBS have a special treat. After 45 years, the cast of Active Jack has agreed to be with us tonight for an exclusive reunion. So, now, performing the theme song, the original cast of Active Jack.

[Cut to Old Jack Taylor turning around. He doesn’t look happy at all.] [music playing.]

Old Jack Taylor: Come on, kids. Get off the couch. [breathes heavily] Get moving. Ha-ha. Come on. Here we go. [he is barely moving]

everyone can move it, move your body
so come on over and move it with me
I got lazy, move around

I got muscles to go up and down
I go up, up, up and down, down, down
here we go, up, up, ouch! and down, down, down
I think I’ll just sit, sit, sit, stay here on the ground.

[Dorothy walks in. She is very old.]

Dorothy: Hi, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Hey, hey, Dorothy. Oh, what happened to Cindy?

Dorothy: Oh, she’s gone, Jack.

Old Jack Taylor: Why, lord? Well, are you ready to exercise and harmonize and motorize?

Dorothy: My doctor says if I exercise my hip will shatter like a wine glass.

Old Jack Taylor: Well, let’s do it anyway. Come on, let’s take it to the reach.

Exercise can make you strong
did you move to and fro
it can take you higher
move you way down low

[Old Jack Taylor farts] Oh! I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about that. Let’s just try that South Philly breakdown. Here we go. [doing the exercise] Hey. Hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, ah! Okay, cut it. Cut the music. I popped something. You know what? Kids, do what you want. Smoke, drink, I don’t care. Coz guess what? Everybody dies.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Okay. Um, guess we’re gonna cut that a little short. But remember, you can still get all the classic episodes of Active Jack–

[Old Jack Taylor walks in]

Old Jack Taylor: Ay, Willy! Put my town in country round and bring around close. Make sure you turn the heat on.

The Wiz

Wiz… Leslie Jones

Tinman… Jay Pharoah

Coward lion… Kenan Thompson

Dorothy… Sasheer Zamata

Scarecrow… Michael Che

White scarecrow… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with video clips of film studios]

Male voice: Now, NBC presents an exclusive Cut For Time scene from this week’s The Wiz, LIVE!

[music playing] [Cut to four characters singing]

All: Don’t you carry nothing, that might feel low
come on, even down, even down the road

[music stops] [Cut to Wiz in a green suit walking in]

Wiz: Who dare disturbs me, the all and powerful Wiz? I was just back there on my iPad.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: Wow, that’s so modern.

Wiz: Well, I’m glad you noticed. Now, what do you want?

Coward Lion: We’re sorry to disturb your greatness. I’m here because I need some courage.

Scarecrow: And I need some brains.

Tinman: And I need the heart.

Dorothy: And I need to go home.

White scarecrow: And so do I

[White scarecrow jumps in]

Oh, oh! Hello.

Dorothy: Who are you?

White scarecrow: Me? Well, I’m a scarecrow, of course. Anybody know how I can get back to my friends.

Scarecrow: Well, where are you coming from?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, west hours, you know, near the meadow?

[Cut to Tinman, Scarecrow and Dorothy]

Tinman: Oh, you way off, man! This right here is east hours. How did you even get here?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I don’t know. Let me see. I fell asleep on the train. And then now, here I am.

[Cut to White scarecrow, Scarecrow and Tinman]

Who are you?

Scarecrow: Well, I’m a scarecrow. exactly like you.

White scarecrow: But your hair is so wild and wonderful. [Cuts to Dorothy] And your hair…

Dorothy: Don’t!

White scarecrow: Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Very well, I’m looking for my friend Dorothy.

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, my name is Dorothy too. Does your friend know how to whip, dab and do the nae-nae?

[Cut to White scarecrow. He is silent.]

White scarecrow: Ya, I have no idea what those words are.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: it’s dancing.

Tinman: And we sure do a lot of dancing.

Coward Lion: Yeah. Three hours worth, minus about 150 commercials.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, I love to dance. Watch.

[Cut to everybody] [music playing] [White scarecrow starts dancing] [singing] I will not be just a nothing
my head all full of stuffing
and my heart all filled with pain
I would dance and be married
Live would be dignitary
if I only had a brain
I mean… A brain.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Man, that was corny as hell.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Coward Lion: Yeah, I’m sorry young man. We appreciate you coming by but this hours is not for you.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Well, I didn’t think that it would be, you know. But now that I’m here it’s really great. There’s so much color.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Hey! Hey!

Tinman: Watch yourself, man!

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: No, no. I just meant in the world. You know, there’s a lot of heart and soul here. I love it. It’s– It’s much better than where I’m from.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Oh, yeah. We heard about West Hours. That place is terrifying.

Scarecrow: Yes, there’s trees that grab you.

Tinman: Yeah, and tornado.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, don’t forget about the flying monkeys.

[Cut to Tinman, Coward Lion, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

All: Whoa!

Coward Lion: No, we don’t call them that here. We call them winged warriors. Yeah, we had a lot of meetings about that.

[Cut to Wiz]

Wiz: Plus, ya’ll got a wicked witch over there and she is halla’ scary. She will set your ass on fire.

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, she’s not- she’s not around anymore.

[Cut to Dorothy and Coward Lion]

Dorothy: What?

Coward Lion: Oh, my god! What happened?

[Cut to White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Oh, we threw some water on her and killed her.

[Cut to everybody. All of them are shocked]

All: Oh!

Tinman: Damn!

Dorothy: What?

Scarecrow: Damn!

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

Coward Lion: Well, Scarecrow, I didn’t know you had it in you. This here man is a G.

White scarecrow: Well, gosh. I hope that’s a good thing.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: It is. You can roll with us anytime you like, scarecrow.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Really? Well, I’d love that more than anything in the world.

[Cut to Tinman, Dorothy and Scarecrow]

Dorothy: Alright, then come on and dance with us. It’s 2015, do the dab.

[Cut to Coward Lion and White scarecrow]

White scarecrow: Wonderful!

[Cut to everybody] [music playing. Everybody is dancing and White scarecrow is learning to dance]

All: [singing] Come on in, even down, even down the road
don’t you carry nothing that might feel low
Come on in, even down, even down the road

Coward Lion: Yeah, keep trying. You get it.

[The End]

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.] [Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls] [Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy] Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep] [Cheers and applause]