Career Retropective

Cecily Strong

Martin Hamill… Larry David

Beck Bennett

Doug… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Kenan

[Starts with Cecily speaking]

Cecily: Welcome to the ad council’s annual awards dinner. And judging by the bar tab, you are enjoying yourselves. Tonight, we are proud to present the AC Anderson Lifetime Achievement award in advertising to a man who let us know that when it came to McDonald’s, we’re loving it. And asked that famous question, got milk? I’m speaking of course about Martin Hamill.

[applause]

Martin Hamill: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a tremendous honor to be here.

Cecily: After dinner, we’ll take a look at some of the amazing ad campaigns he created. But before we eat, we thought we could look at some of his earlier works. He got his start by creating a series of public service announcements in the early 80s known as the smart choices campaign that warned teens about the dangers of drugs, alcohol and other issues.

Martin Hamill: Wow, you guys really did your research. Yeah, I was really proud of those. We helped a lot of kids.

Cecily: Let’s take a look now at a few of those ground breaking PSAs.

[Cut to the ad video. Beck is smoking a cigarette while Doug walks in]

Beck: Hey, Doug. You want a cigarette? [Doug looks away] Oh, come on! Don’t be a baby. It’s cool. Try it.

Doug: Smoking? No way! That’s gay!

[Doug pushes Beck and walks away]

Female voice: If someone pressures you to smoke, just say, “No way, that’s gay.”

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Hah! I had forgot about the tag line on that. You know, it was a different time. The word gay was very common with kids. It just kind of meant bad. You know, that hat is gay. Your car is gay. School’s gay. You guys understand what I’m talking about, right?

[Cut to the public. They’re shaking their heads no.] [Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: Well, after you encouraged young people to say, “No way, that’s gay”–

Martin Hamill: You don’t have to put it like that.

Cecily: You warned them about the dangers of bullying. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug and Alex are laughing. Alex is on a wheelchair. Luke walks in.]

Luke: Doug? [pointing at Alex] Why are you hanging out with him? He can’t even walk.

Doug: Yeah? Well, I can. And I’m walking away… from you.

Alex: Actually, let’s roll.

[Doug pushes Alex’s wheelchair and they leave]

Female voice: Making fun of someone with disability is retarded.

[Cut to Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Okay, um, obviously the ending doesn’t hold up. That word again. It was very common. Hey! Should we eat? Let’s eat.

[Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Cecily: You know, the dinner isn’t quite ready yet, I’m afraid. We were going to show the anti-drinking PSA with the interracial couple. But if you’d rather wait for the food–

Martin Hamill: No, no, no. That’s great. The interracial couple. Yes. That’s a good one. Play that one.

[Cut to the ad video. Doug wakes up with a hangover.]

Doug: OH! I drank so much last night. I’m so hungover.

[Kenan wakes up by his side. He is a black male person.]

Kenan: Ooh, me too!

Female voice: When you drink, your chances of making a good decision are smaller than a midget.

[Cut to Martin Hamill and Chris. Chris is a black person sitting beside Martin Hamill who is staring at him. The crowd is booing.]

Martin Hamill: I’m feeling very– I’m feeling very sick. Very sick. I need to go. [to Chris] Call an ambulance.

Chris: You’re not sick. Shame on you.

[Chris leaves] [Cut to Cecily and Martin Hamill]

Martin Hamill: Come on! Can we see some of my more recent work?

Cecily: Yes, yes. With pleasure. Your first big commercial campaign paired a beloved snack with a beloved entertainer. I’m speaking of course about Jello and your good friend, Bill Cosby. Let’s take a look.

[The End]

Take Me Back

Beck Bennett

Jen… Cecily Strong

Doug… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Beck and Jen sitting on a couch]

Beck: Okay, okay. On the count of three, favorite food. One, two, three.

Beck and Jen: Pizza!

Jen: Okay, wow! This feels right. I like you.

Beck: More than pizza?

Jen: Okay. Alright. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, mister. But maybe.

[Beck and Jen start kissing] [door knocking]

Who could that be? It’s midnight.

[Jen opens the door. Doug walks in. He has a music player and a flower bouquet.]

Doug: Hi.

Jen: [sign] Doug! What are you doing here?

Doug: I just needed to see you. I want you back.

Jen: Now is not a good time, Doug.

Doug: Wait, what? You have a guy over? We just broke up like, five days ago.

Jen: You know what? I don’t need to defend myself, Doug. Okay? You know what you did.

Doug: I know. I’m sorry. I messed up. But if you give me a chance, I promise [Doug plays music] I will love you truly, madly and deeply.

[Doug opens his raincoat. He is wearing white suit inside.] [singing very bad] I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your love, I’ll be your hope, be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful coz I’m counting on 

[opens his coat, he is wearing a t-shirt with Jen’s face printed on it]

a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah

[two backup singers walk in wearing the same suit and same t-shirt]

Singers: I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna bathe with you in the sea

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna lay like this forever

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: Until the sky falls down on me.

Doug: So, what do you say, Jen? I know I made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make but I’m sorry. And I’m asking you to take me back… [gets down on his knees to propose with a ring] forever. What do you say?

Jen: No, Doug! You dragged a man off a plane this week!

Doug: [standing and leaving] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Backup singers: Wait, that’s what you did?

[Jen closes the door after they leave]

Jen: Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry about him.

Beck: That’s okay. Don’t worry about him.

Jen: Anyway, back to us. Tell me more about you. what do you do?

Beck: Ah! Well, I just directed a huge Pepsi commercial.

Jen: [disappointed] No!

Gym Class

Coach… Alec Baldwin

Max… Alex Moffat

Doug… Mikey Day

Sue… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Coach helping Max to do his sit-ups.]

Coach: Ten seconds left, Max. You’re not going to beat the school record at this pace.

Friends: Come on, Max. You can do it.

Max: Argh! [fails] I can’t do it.

Coach: Oh, sorry Max, good effort. Do we have any other challengers?

Doug: Um, I could try, coach. I know I’m not like a Max level athlete, but I’d like to try.

Coach: Now, that’s what I like to hear. Get down here, Doug. Big cheer for Doug. Let’s hear it.

Friends: Go Doug! You’re the man.

Coach: You call can learn a thing or two form Doug here. Stepping up to the plate by challenging yourself. Alright now, Doug, [holds Doug’s feet] don’t worry about the count. All of your focus should be on pushing your body to its limits.

Doug: I know, coach. I’m ready.

Coach: Okay. One minute on the clock, Sue.

Sue: Yeah.

Doug: And hey, coach, thanks for believing in me. Not just for this, but for everything.
Coach:
You’re welcome, Doug. Let’s see if you can break the school record. Ready, set, go!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups but with ever sit-up he is farting loud]

Good pace. [he is farting even louder] Don’t slow down. You got this. Cheer him on, guys. Cheer him on.

Doug: I need a break!

Coach: No way, Doug. YOu’re not allowed to quit. Not when you’re this close. Push it! Power through!

[Doug starts doing sit-ups again, with long farts]

Three more.

Two more.

Last one.

My god, he did it! Doug broke the school record!

[The friends aren’t cheering as they’re disgusted]

Doug: Wow! I couldn’t have done it without you, coach.

Coach: Oh, now you’re going to be a legend in this school. I’m telling you. Hey, I bet you guys are never gonna forget the day, and you’ll tell everybody of the day you saw Doug do this here. Right?

Sue: We will literally never forget.

[school bell ringing]

Coach: Alright, good work today, everyone. Good work. [whispering to Doug] And I think you might have let out a little toot back there, Doug, but don’t worry. I don’t think any of the girls heard it.

Christmas Miracle

Dr. Bethel… Aidy Bryant

Cardinal Hanson… Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Doug… Casey Affleck

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson interviewing three people]

Dr. Bethel: I’m Dr. Bethel, professor of geology at Yale. And this is Cardinal Hansom from the council of miraculous phenomena.

Cardinal Hanson: As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.

Dr. Bethel: Yeah. We believe you’ve had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.

[Cut to the interviewees]

Sharon: This is nuts, man! I mean, we’re just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas eve and now we’re a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Indeed. Tell us what happened after you awoke.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs and Santa was standing there in our living room. Real as rain.

[Cut to Sharon]

Sharon: And he said, “Come with me to the North Pole”, and just like that we were on his sleigh with the reindeer and everything.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Huh, miraculous.

Dr. Bethel: And you, Ms. Rafferty?

[Cut to Colleen. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Colleen: Yeah, a little different for me. I’m crashing in their guest room, right? I came downstairs a little later. They were gone. And I was met by a nine foot tall goad man named Crinkle Mouse who according to some German fairytale is Santa’s helper. And he points a hoof at me and he goes [making animal sound]. And I kind of got the hint that I should come with.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And were you taken to Santa’s sleigh?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Oh, no, no, no, no. Crinkle mouse turns out travels by dog sled. Which sounds fun but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the freaking dog team. And these dogs don’t fly, they run. Let me tell you, if you think you can’t run as fast as a dog, you’re right. A minute in, I fall, get dragged for a mile over a forest floor and my sweats get yanked off. So, now there’s nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter. Look, wasn’t the worst time I have had on all fours.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Doug: Well, it sounds crazy but we were taken to Santa’s workshop, man. It was beautiful. And it smelled just like gingerbread. My beard still smells like it, ma’am.

Sharon: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. Warmed my tummy and my heart.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Colleen: [shocked] What? [Cut to Colleen] These two were in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, “You work!” Also I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs, that’s Mrs. Crinkle Mouse who looks more like a ram than a goat. She’s either jealous or a les, coz she starts ramming my knocker like– [Cut to Colleen and Sharon] Pardon me, Sharon. She’s going [starts rubbing her face on Sharon’s breasts]

Sharon: That’s enough. They get it, I think. They get it.

Colleen: Like that.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: And what happened next in the workshop?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, you’re not going to believe me, but the elves came out. We all sang songs.

Doug: Yeah. There were a bunch of cubby guys in fun pointy hats with these cute toes and noses.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yo, stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Golem. Smelled like a hard-boiled egg and I swear to god, this little bastard’s name was Shart.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Okay. Well, did he also sing and dance?

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: No. No. He’s in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it’s time to check them for worms. Cut to I’m holding onto a lady reindeer, I’m keeping her steady while Shart is poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I’m 20, 30 feet off the ground and still rocking zero pants here. So my hog taker and log maker are on full display. Let’s just say I understand why Crinkle Mouse and company aren’t showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas cans.

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Doug: God, I don’t think you had as good a time as we did.

Colleen: Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Dr. Bethel: And how were you returned home?

[Cut to Sharon and Doug]

Sharon: Well, Santa sprinkled magic dust and the whole workshop dissolved around us.

Doug: Then we were back in our living room, Christmas morning. We went right out and loaded up the flat bed with Christmas ham for the poor, came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: [smiling] Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, so does Shart. Coz when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolved into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I tripped some sort of alarm so the cops show up and mind you, I am still pants-less. So now, I’m spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I’m thinking, “Dammit! Colleen, you’re becoming your mother.”

[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]

Cardinal Hanson: Wow! Remarkable. Do you think you’ll ever see these spirits again?

[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]

Sharon: No. But I feel St. Nick in my heart.

Doug: Yeah. I see him whenever I see a child smile.

[Cut to Colleen]

Colleen: Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs, so Shart can’t be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me hom.

[Cut to the window. Shart is knocking the window looking at Colleen. Colleen sees him]

Oh, boy! Great! What the hell am I going to feed that thing?

Black Jeopardy with Tom Hanks

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Keeley… Sasheer Zamata

Shanice… Leslie Jones

Doug… Tom Hanks

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes in the stage]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, wad up? Wad up, wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only TV game show where the audience is in church clothes. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Keeley.

[Cut to the contestants]

Keeley: Hi.

Darnell Hayes: Shanice.

Shanice: Okay now.

Darnell Hayes: And Doug.

[Doug is wearing Trump’s ‘Make America great again’ red hat]

Doug: How are you doing, sir?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Oh, man! Doug, you sure you’re ready to play Black Jeopardy?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: They told me a fellow can win some money, so let’s win some money. Get it done.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, I admire your confidence. Let’s see our categories. We got [cut to the game screen] ‘Big girls’, ‘Mm… I don’t know’, ‘You better’, ‘I’m gonna pray on this’, ‘they out here saying’, and as always, ‘white people’.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Okay, Keeley, you’re our returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay. Let’s do ‘you better’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, to answer there, you need hot sauce, duck sauce, soy sauce and safety pins. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is ‘you better take your ass to the kitchen and look in the packet drawer’.

Darnell Hayes: Yeah. [Cut to Darnell Hayes] Yeah, the packet drawer, yeah. Ha-ha. Yeah, every kitchen’s got one. You know.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with ‘you better’ for $400.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, your job wants to take $40 a month out of your check for a 401K. [buzzer sound] Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: What is, ‘you better give me that money so I can buy me some scratch offs’.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you damn right. You dam right. I mean, why do I need a retirement plan when I got monopoly millionaire’s club?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Yeah, I play that every week.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, that’s good for you. Okay, the board is your’s, Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: Let’s go with ‘they out here saying’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, they out here saying, the new iPhone wants your trumbprint “for your protection”. [buzzer sound] Oh, okay then, Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, ‘I don’t think so. That’s how they get you.”

[Cut to t]

Darnell Hayes: Yes! [Darnell Hayes is surprised] Yes! That’s it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Keeley: Yes, I don’t trust that.

Shanice: Me neither.

Doug: I read that goes straight to the government.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, that is not bad, Doug. The board is your’s.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, let’s go to ‘mm… I don’t know’ for four.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, he says his dog doesn’t bite. [buzzer sound] Shanice.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: What is, mm, I don’t know, he got teeth, Downey.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, that’s it. Anything with teeth, you know. Anything with teeth.

[Cut to Shanice]

Shanice: Let’s stick with ‘mm… I don’t know’ for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. Caitlyn Jenner says she belongs to the cover of essence magazine. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is, mm, I don’t know, you can’t do everything.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. You know. I mean, there was a time.

Keeley: Absolutely.

[Cut to the contestants]

Doug: Oh yeah, I remember. Yeah.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Okay. Let’s go to ‘they out here saying’ for eight.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer there, they out here saying that every vote counts. [buzzer sound] Oh, Doug again.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, come on, they already decided who wins, even ’fore it happens.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yes! Yes! Yes! Man, the illuminati figured that out months ago. That’s another one for Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Okay, we’re doing it. Let’s try ‘they out here saying’  for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. They out here saying, this movie doesn’t deserve an Oscar. [buzzer sound] Keeley.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: What is, Tyler Perry’s “Boo! A Madea Halloween”?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, when that man puts on a moo-moo, I’m just transpoted.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I gotta tell you, I love those movies. I bought a box set at Walmart and if I can laugh and pray in 90 minutes, that is money well spent.

[Cut to everyone. Darnell Hayes walks to Doug]

Darnell Hayes: Oh, you know what, sir? I really appreciate you saying this. I like you.

[Darnell Hayes tries to shake his hands with Doug but Doug gets scared and puts his both hands up.]

No, no, it’s alright. It’s all good. [they shake their hands] It’s all good. Okay, yeah, yeah. It’s all good.

[Darnell Hayes walks back]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. Keeley, it’s your pick.

[Cut to Keeley]

Keeley: Let’s go to ‘you better’ for six.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer, the mechanic says you owe me $250 for new brake lines. [buzzer sound] Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What is, you better go to that dude in my neighborhood, he’ll fix anything for $40.

Darnell Hayes: Wow! You know Cecil?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. My Cecil’s name is Jim and he fixed my refrigerator, my air conditioner, and my cat.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah. Everybody’s got a guy. Wow, you alright, Doug. Oh! Let’s just take a moment in here about today’s prizes. Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy intro]

Announcer: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive ‘The good chair’. Grandaddy needs somewhere to sit. Give him the good chair. And Car Tape. The best tape for fixing your car. Car Tape. It’s duck tape. Back to you Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Well, Doug, I don’t know what’s going on but the board is your’s.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Well, thank you so much Darnell. You people are fun. Can I say that? Is that okay?

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: [smiling] We’ll give you a pass this time.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Okay, let’s go to ‘big girls’ for $200.

[Cut to the game screen]

Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, skinny women can do this for you. [buzzer sound] Doug.

[Cut to Doug] Doug: What is, not a damn thing.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you got it right. Yeah.

[Cut to the contestants. Keeley and Shanice are cheering for Doug]

Doug: My wife, she’s a sturdy gal.

Shanice: That is my man right there.

Darnell Hayes: Go Doug.

Darnell Hayes, Keeley and Shanice: Go Doug. Go Doug. Go Doug.

[banging sound]

Darnell Hayes: Oh! Oh! Oh! The sound of the broom hitting the ceiling below us means that the party has to stop. But, Doug. I have to say it has been a pleasure.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Yeah, alright.

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: Alright well, let’s take a look at our final Jeopardy category, ‘lives that matter’.

[Cut to the audience. No one is pressing the buzzer and Keeley and Shanice is looking at Doug] [smiling] Well, it was good while it lasted, Doug.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I know, I got a lot to say about this…

[Cut to Darnell Hayes]

Darnell Hayes: [interrupting] Yeah, I’m sure you do. When we come back, we’ll play our national anthem and just see what the hell happens. We’ll be right back.

[The End]

The Bureau and the Pervert

Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too] [Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody] [Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth] [Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.] [The End]

Holiday Party with Santa

Jeena… Venessa Bayer

Doug… Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

David… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a holiday party]

Jeena: Thank you so much for inviting Doug and I to your holiday party.

Doug: Christmas is our favorite time of year but since we’re new to the city, we weren’t sure who we were gonna spend it with. You know? I mean, besides Santa.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, welcome to the neighborhood and thank you so much for this Christmas cookies.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: Uh-uh! Those are for Santa.

[Cut to David]

David: Oh, too bad we’re out of milk. He’s gonna have to settle for bourbon instead. [laughing] [Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Doug: Santa doesn’t drink. He’s got to drive a sleigh.

Jeena: You’re so smart, sweetie.

[Aidy and David are speechless] [Son walks in]

Son: Dad!

David: Hey.

Son: Is Santa coming soon?

David: I’ll tell you what, bud, I’m gonna go up there in couple of minutes and see if he’s ready to come down and talk to the kids.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: What?

Doug: He’s upstairs? [clears throat] Well, we very much would like to meet him.

[Cut to David and Son]

David: Ah!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, anyway, Cindy and I drove up to Yosemite last month.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Oh, gosh, that must have been gorgeous.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: Um, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is Santa here? Yes or no?

[Cut to David and Son]

David: Ah, I mean yes, he usually makes an appearance.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena:  He’s here, baby.

Doug: I love you so much.

Jeena: I love you so much and he’s here.

[Cut to everybody. Jeena and Doug start kissing.]

Yeah, you mean Santa baby.

Doug: I love you.

[Jeena and Doug start getting intimate]

Aidy: Okay!

[Aidy takes their son away] [Doug walks to David]

Doug: David, now I know you don’t know us very well. We’re just new to this neighborhood. But I promise you we won’t let you down on this. Okay? You can trust us on this.

David: I don’t know what you think is going on here tonight. But, you’re not gonna meet the real Santa.

[Doug looks at Jeena. She is shaking her head no.]

Jeena: No.

Doug: No.

[Jeena slowly lies on the sofa]

Doug: Can’t do that, David. I cannot in good conscience pass on a opportunity to thank that beautiful man for bringing me presents every Christmas until my parents left at a very young age.

[Cut to Jeena. She is now putting her legs over the sofa looking all comfortable.]

Jeena: I wanna meed Rudolf.

[Cut to David]

David: Rudolf isn’t here, Jeena.

[Doug bangs the table with a Christmas umbrella] [Everybody is looking at Doug]

Doug: Then how the [bleep] did Santa get here, David?

David: Guys, just relax.

Doug: David, use your head. I don’t know why you’re doing what you’re doing, David. Do you think that me and my baby aren’t good enough to meet Santa? Is that what you think David?

David: No. No. I don’t. You’re good enough.

Doug: Here’s what we’re gonna do. Everybody’s gonna stay where they are and we’re gonna go upstairs and you’re gonna get that beautiful ancient man and you’re gonna bring him down, okay?

David: I don’t understand what you want me to do.

Doug: [yelling] Go get Santa!

David: Okay! Okay!

Jeena: I’m meeting Santa, baby!

Doug: Whoo!

Jeena: I love you. I love you so much baby.

[Jeena and Doug start getting intimate again] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, happy holidays everybody. I have to go, beat the traffic.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Sit down. Sit down. Why is everybody so tense? It’s a party. Right? Baby, give me some music.

Jeena: Okay, baby.

[music playing] [Jeena and Doug start dancing on the table] [everybody is looking at Jeena and Doug]

Doug: What happened?

Jeena: I’m scared.

Doug: [whispering] I’m scared too.

[Cut to David walking down the stairs dressed up as Santa.]

David: Ho-ho-ho.

Doug: It is you!

[Doug hugs Santa.]

You look good, bud. You lost weight.

Jeena: Baby, I wanna sit on Santa’s lap.

Doug: Get me a chair!

[Jeena puts a chair before David]

Have a seat buddy.

[David sits down. Jeena sits on David’s lap erotically.]

You tell him what you want for Christmas baby.

Jeena: Okay. [Jeena whispers on David’s ear] Cuisinart.

[Cut to David crying out of fear]

Doug: I want a picture, you guys. Smile.

David: Okay.

[Cut to real Santa peeking from the window. He runs away.]

Doug: Merry Christmas Santa.

David: [low voice] Merry Christmas.

Doug: Say it like you mean it.

[The End]

Joan Song

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Doug… Harry Styles

[Starts with Joan sitting on a sofa] [Music playing]

Joan: Hi, I’m Joan and I currently live alone

in a small nice home

nobody calls me on the telephone

so, it’s me and just me

I used to live with my boyfriend Steve

but Steve chose to leave

because he found me boring and additionally he was Cheating on me

but I’ll be okay

I found a new guy I like better anyway

he’s hot, oh, he’s hot

He likes my body and my personality a lot

[Joan is carrying a Chihuahua]

My dog is my boyfriend

we are in love

he’s a 12-pound Chihuahua

found him on the street and I named him Doug

Doug I love you

I love you big fat neck

Doug is my new boyfriend

don’t worry we don’t have sex

Doug likes romance

Once I showed him pictures of Paris, France

Doug, we just kiss

we talk for hours then I take him out to piss

he watches me while I get ready

then we share a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti

OH, Doug, how I wish you could speak

Even for a moment just to make a squeak

I think I know what you’d say

but I like to imagine it anyway

[The Chihuahua grows to a human being (Harry Styles)]

(Doug) Harry Styles: Joan I love you

I love the way you feed me ham

You’re my life, my love, my everything.

I love you just the way you am

The taste of your bathroom garbage

sends me into overdrive

I’m terrified of vacuum’s

but you’re the most gorgeous woman alive

Joan and Doug: We are in love we are in love

until our dying day

[Cut to Joan in her room singing]

Joan: You are so cool and so funny

in every single way

[Cut to Doug and Joan]

Both: I get to stars we kiss the sky

and together we’ll live forever

Doug: Joan I have to go back.

Joan: No, why?

Doug: They said could I only be a man of an hour.

Joan: But who said that?

Doug: God, and his friends.

Joan: Fine, if that’s how it has to be.

Doug: But wait, before I go I have to tell you something.

Joan: Anything.

Doug: I ate two of your socks and three pairs of your underwear. It’s caused a blockage in my intestines and it will cost you $8,000. I’m sorry Joan.

Joan: It’s okay Doug, you’re worth it.

[With all the lightnings, Doug changes back to a Chihuahua]

Joan: Doug I love you

You love me too that’  know

You’re not just my boyfriend

to me you’re the best in show

I love you, Doug

What’s That Name | Season 44 Episode 14

Doug… John Mulaney

Courtney… Cecily Strong

Vince Blight… Bill Hader

Todd… Mikey Day

Todd’s Wife… Heidi Gardner

Jake… Alex Moffat

Jake’s Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Doug and Courtney in the game show]

Narrator: And now it’s time to play what’s that name? And here’s your host, [Cut to Vince Blight] Vince Blight.

Vince Blight: Hello, hello and welcome to What’s That Name. The rules are simple. We show you a person. You tell us their name. Our contestants are Dough and Courtney. [Cut to Doug and Courney] [Cut to Vince Blight] The first question goes to Doug. John Legend is one of pop music’s biggest artists. But his better half as a star in her own right. [cut to picture of John Legend and his wife] Doug, what’s that name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Crissy Teagan. [Ring for the right answer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. $5 for you. Courtney, you’re up next. Although, they recently split, we’ll never forget the whirl wind romance of Noah Cyrus [Cut to picture of Noah Cyrus and her boyfriend] and this American musician. What’s that name?

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Okay, I actually know this. It’s Lil’ Xan. [Ring for the right answer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: That’s right. Five bucks to you. All right. Doug. This next question is for $250,000. And we’ve got a walk on clue. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Todd: Hey Doug, it’s me. I’m one of your closest friends.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Todd.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: And I have been his girlfriend for four years. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, it’s great to see you.

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Todd’s girlfriend: It’s great to see you. We’ve gone out to dinner 20 times. We’ve sat next to each other at multiple weddings. What’s my name?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Uh—

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Doesn’t seem like you know her name.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Of course I do. Of course I do. It’s Missy?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to Todd and his girlfriend]

Audience: Karen

Doug: Todd, I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Interesting choice to apologize to him. As opposed to her. I guess you just don’t consider her a human being.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What kind of horrible game show is this?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: It’s what’s that name. Courtney. You’re up next. And we’ve got another walk on clue.

[Cut to the stage. The door opens and a couple comes to the stage]

Jake: Hey, it’s Jake from your advertising firm in which you are the only female partner.

Jake’s Wife: And I’m his wife. [Cut to Courtney, very disappointed] So, [Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife] we met at the holiday party and when I showed up, you gave me a big hug and said, “Thank god, I’m not the only woman here anymore”. Every time you see me, you say, “Hey, lady” or “Hey, mama”. What’s my name?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Mama?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Oh, not going to cut it, mama. Audience?

[Cut to Jake and Jake’s wife]

Audience: Allison.

Jake’s Wife: But, Lil’ Xan you know.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Doug: See, that’s even worse than me.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: How is that worse? Get all the cameras on him. Finish that thought, [Cut to Doug] Doug. It’s worse because –

Doug: Well, she’s a woman. So at a party, you think she would want to talk to the other wives.

[Cut to Doug and Courtney]

Courtney: Other wives?

Vince Blight: She’s a god damn [Cut to Vince Blight] partner at the firm, buddy. Unreal. Round two.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: You know, I want to say something. I think you’re kind of a jerk.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I think you’re a jerk.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Why don’t you name all your friend’s wives?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Those guys? They don’t have wives. I roll with a crew of problematic bachelors and we call ourselves the squad. Let’s learn a little bit about our contestants. Shall we? Courtney, it says here that you’re a woman who doesn’t support other woman.

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: That’s right.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Is there anything you would like to say to all the girls watching at home?

[Cut to Courtney]

Courtney: Nope.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Gotcha. Doug, what would you say to all the young girls watching?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I don’t know. You are as good as any man. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Terrible.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: What would you say?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: I wouldn’t say anything. Camera three, push it on me. I would listen. [Cut to Doug] [Cut to Vince Blight] It’s time for the final clue and this one is dealer’s choice. [Cut to the stage. The door opens and three women come to the stage.] No, you’re not seeing double. There’s three women there. Doug, these are three of your wife’s bridesmaids. [Cut to Vince Blight] And we know, you don’t know any of their names.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: That’s correct.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Okay. So here’s the deal. You pick the one you think you have got the best shot at.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Um, middle one.

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Woman in the middle: Awe, thanks.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: And because you are such a dumb donkey, we’re going to give you almost all the letters.

[Cut to three bridesmaids. The hint has first letter blank space and rest three letters are ‘ARA’.”

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Can I have the first letter?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: No. That would be all of them.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Do I have to look at her while I guess?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Right in the eye. For $10 million. What’s that name?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Doug: I am so sorry. Lara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Jara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: You think her name is Jara? [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Doug]

Doug: Tara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Mara. [Wrong answer buzzer] Dara. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Audience?

[Cut to three bridesmaids]

Audience: Mara.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: I said Mara.

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: Yeah, but you didn’t know it.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Hey, Vince Blake, why do you do this game? What’s it all for? What do you want?

[Cut to Vince Blight]

Vince Blight: In a word, chaos. [Cut to the stage] And that’s the game. No winner, I guess. But stick around because Doug’s our guest on another game show, “Does the Housekeeper Have a Son?”

Doug: No she doesn’t.

Vince Blight: He’s 16 years old. Good night.