Weekend Update Russian Forces Slow Down Germany Increases Military Production

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.] Well, we’re now at the point where in every press conference, the President’s asked, “Will there be a nuclear war?” A journalist asked President Biden if we should be worried about nuclear war and he said no. Because what’s he going to say? “Hell, yeah, man. Start digging a bunker Jack.” It’s like when a little kid asks you where Grandpa is gonna go when he dies? You know, obviously you’re gonna say heaven. But based on some of the stuff Grampy said, you know, hell is also on the table.

[Picture changes to a tank]

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of Germany at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Germany is now joining the EU to send arms to Ukraine, which is the first time Germany has ramped up military production since that little six year gap in their history books.

[Picture changes to Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin]

French President Emmanuel Macron said that after a tense 90 minute call with Vladimir Putin, he’s convinced that the worst is yet to come. Man. It’s amazing how much suffering could have been avoided if Putin was just a few inches taller.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senator Lindsey Graham who gives this exact same look at the urinal created a controversy on Twitter by suggesting that Russian should end the war in Ukraine by assassinating Vladimir Putin. It is a shocking disgusting example of Lindsey Graham being kind of right about something.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Russian Vodka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Governors in several states including New Hampshire, Ohio and Utah have banned the sale of Russian made vodka. No word yet on brides.

[Picture changes to members of congress]

Many of the members of Congress attending the State of the Union wore blue and yellow to show their support for Ukraine, while Kamala Harris wore all brown to do what she’s done for the last year, disappearing to the background.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here being told someone’s pronouns, DeSantis yelled at students behind him at an indoor event to take off their masks saying, “Stop with this COVID theater.” And there’s nothing more on brand for conservatives than a dad screaming at boys to give up theater.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Vaccine requirement lifted” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starting on Monday, New York City will no longer require bars and restaurants to pretend to look at vaccination cards. The city will be lifting its vaccine mandate for indoor dining and events. “Finally!”, said the next variant.

Weekend Update on AIM Shutting Down

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of America Online logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: AOL has announced that their long-running instant messenger service will shut down for good in December. AOL’s announcement said simply–

Recorded robot voice: Good bye.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s heaviest woman died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catch phrase, “Stop calling me that!”

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson and McDonald’s logo]

For OJ Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two double quarter pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King.

[Cut to Burger King commercial]

Male voice: Burger King. OJ eats at McDonald’s!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of medical pills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for, cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties, you can’t also spring $10 a month for birth control? I mean, how about just skip one bagel Friday so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband? Karen in accounting begged me not to tell that joke. How could any guy even be against birth control if it makes better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do. And they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mobile phone and mosquitos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s horrible. LG has introduced a new smart phone that emits ultrasonic waves which it says will keep mosquitos away… from your new brain tumor.

[Picture changes to a pie chart]

A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October, 2017 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: October is a national sarcasm awareness. Cool!