Weekend Update on AIM Shutting Down

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of America Online logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: AOL has announced that their long-running instant messenger service will shut down for good in December. AOL’s announcement said simply–

Recorded robot voice: Good bye.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s heaviest woman died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catch phrase, “Stop calling me that!”

[Picture changes to OJ Simpson and McDonald’s logo]

For OJ Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two double quarter pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King.

[Cut to Burger King commercial]

Male voice:¬†Burger King. OJ eats at McDonald’s!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of medical pills at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for, cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties, you can’t also spring $10 a month for birth control? I mean, how about just skip one bagel Friday so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband? Karen in accounting begged me not to tell that joke. How could any guy even be against birth control if it makes better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do. And they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mobile phone and mosquitos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s horrible. LG has introduced a new smart phone that emits ultrasonic waves which it says will keep mosquitos away… from your new brain tumor.

[Picture changes to a pie chart]

A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future, having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking October, 2017 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: October is a national sarcasm awareness. Cool!