Dr. Anthony Fauci Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Brad Pitt

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from one of the lead members of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci speaking from home.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Good evening. I’m Dr. Anthony Fauci. First, I’d like to thank all the older women in America who have sent me supportive, inspiring and sometimes graphic emails. Now, there’s been a lot of misinformation out there about the virus. And yes, the president has taken some liberties with our guidelines. So, tonight, I would like to explain what the president was trying to say. And remember, let’s all try to keep an open mind.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at a podium]

Donald Trump: We had some– We had a great meeting today with a lot of the great companies and um, they gonna have vaccines I think relatively soon…

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Relatively soon is an interesting phrase. Relative to the entire history of earth, sure, the vaccine’s gonna come real fast. But if you were to tell a friend, “I’ll be over relatively soon,” and then showed up a year and half later, well, your friend may be relative pissed off.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: We have done an incredible job. We’re going to continue. It’s going to disappear. One day. It’s like a miracle. It will disappear.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Miracle would be great. Who doesn’t love miracles? But miracles shouldn’t be plan A. Even Sully tried to land at the airport first.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Couple of things. I don’t know if I would describe the test as beautiful. Unless your idea of beauty is having a cotton swab tickle your brain. Also, when he said everyone can get a test, what he meant was almost noone.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: You can call it a germ. You can call it a flu. You can call it a virus. You know, you can call it many different names. I’m not sure anybody even knows what it is.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We know what it is.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: And then I see the disinfectant. Where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And, is there a way we can do something like that? Um, by injection?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci looking clueless.] [Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Suppose we hit the body with a tremendous, um, whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci doing the facepalm.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I know I shouldn’t be touching my face but– Now, there is a rumor that the president is going to fire me. Let’s see what he said about that.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: Today, I walk in, I hear I’m gonna fire him. I’m not firing him. I think he’s a wonderful guy.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: So, yeah. I’m getting fired. But until then, I’m gonna be there putting out the facts for whoever’s listening. And when I hear things like the virus could be cured if everyone takes the tide pod challenge, I’ll be there to say, “Please don’t.”

[He opens the wig. He’s Brad Pitt.] And to the real Dr. Fauci, thank you for your calm and your clarity in this unnerving time. And thank you to the medical workers, first responders and their families for being on the front line. And now, live, kind of, from all across America, it’s Saturday night.