Weekend Update- Tennessee Bans Public Drag Shows, Trump Lashes Out at DeSantis

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Bill Lee.]

Tennessee Governor Bill Lee has signed a new law banning public drag performances with a six year prison sentence for repeat offenders. As first predicted in the now documentary,  Madea goes to jail.

A Tennessee state senator said the bill will prevent kids from being “Blindsided by a sexualized performance in public.” What are you talking about? Drag shows don’t just pop up like flash mobs and sprinkle gay dust on your kids. I never accidentally happened upon a drag show and I grew up in New York City. Now I have been blindsided by a sexualized performance a few times, but that’s just what you get when you take the bus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Department of Energy logo.]

Michael Che: The US Energy Department concluded that COVID likely originated from a Wuhan laboratory leak and not a wet market. So I gave up in bats for nothing?

[Picture changes to Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert]

Newspapers around the country dropped the cartoon strip Dilbert after creator Scott Adams said he chose to live in a community where no black people live. So he lives in your building, huh Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Scott Adams and his cartoon Dilbert.]

Colin Jost: No. Newspapers dropped the cartoon strip effective immediately, and to rub it in there replacing Dilbert with Peanuts: Oops all Franklin.

Dilbert creator Scott Adams racist rant was in response to the results of a poll that asked respondents the question, “Is it okay to be white?” Oh, I’d say it’s more than just okay. [picture changes to Colin Jost holding a bunch of cash]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of George Santos.]

Michael Che: The house the House Ethics Committee has announced an investigation into George Santos. “Well, thank God I’m not George Santos,” said George Santos.

[picture changes to Donald Trump and Ron DeSantis.]

Donald Trump accused Ron DeSantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida Governor a wheelchair over the cliff kind of guy. Wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo and Chinese flat.]

Colin Jost: House Republicans concerned that China could use TikTok to illegally gather information on Americans, had voted for a bill that could ban the app nationwide. Replied Tiktok users…

[music playing]

[Colin start pointing at random directions where the words pop up, like the TikTok trending videos. The words say “We need to storm the Capitol.”]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jill Biden.]

Michael Che: That’s how he really dances too. First lady Jill Biden said in an interview that she maintains a good balance in the types of advice she offers President Biden, but it’s mostly “Hold on to the railing.” [picture changes to Joe Biden falling on a stairs]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alex Murdaugh.]

Colin Jost: This week, South Carolina Attorney Alex Murdaugh was found guilty of murder and also found guilty of looking like Will Ferrell dressed as Conan O’Brien.

Weekend Update- Trump’s Facebook Reinstated, George Santos Admits to Dressing in Drag

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account. But this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control. Which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park.

Also, What even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my uncle? Because he’s posted some very disturbing fan fiction about the green m&m.

[picture changes to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama]

In the wake of the classified documents scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, “Come and get em’, you bastards.” [picture changes to Jimmy Carter as Scarface.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence.]

Michael Che: Sassy Jimmy Carter. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, “I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate” is also what pence says before sex.

[picture changes to Taylor Swift]

During the Senate hearings investigating, Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the capitol. Oh, that’s sweet. And only two years after their dads were there. [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rick Scott.]

Colin Jost: Senator Rick Scott, seen here learning that Harry Potter is falling into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump. Even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. [picture changes to Donald Trump Jr.]

[picture changes to George Santos]

George Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag but said he was not a drag queen. Okay, honey, we knew that from your contouring.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rhonda McDaniel]

Michael Che: Rhonda McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee and a closer than expected vote over challenges, Harmeet Dhillon, MyPillow CEO Mike Lynn Dell, Twitter use CAT_TURD_2, Kevin Sorbo Kyle Rittenhouse and of course, Colin Jost. Congratulations, Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Google logo.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. That election was rigged. Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust saying that it’s not a crime even though Catholic doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. He also stressed that Catholic doctrine use age as nothing but a number.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney World.]

Colin Jost: Disneyworld is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana’s by you adventure after complaints that it’s Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where’s the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds?