Gary… Alex Moffat
Waitress. John Mulaney[Starts with four friends sitting in a restaurant]
Gary: So wait, hold on. This is a drag brunch?
Aidy: Yes. Yes. The waiters are in drag and they say catty things to you. It’s fun.
Pete: Yeah. And they have bottomless mimosas. What could be better than that?
Cecily: Oh, look. Here comes our waitress.[A waitress walks in. She is wearing pink uniform.]
Waitress: Good morning, bitches. The good lord named me Tony Pockets and I’ll be your server-ess.
Gary: Hi, Tony.
Pete: This might be more fun than I thought.
Waitress: Might be. And you might the worst lay in the history. At lest according to that bag of lotion and what it said. Okerr? [everyone laughing] And you miss thang, wow! [looking at Cecily] Canel street called and wants that fake ass Chanel purse back immediately.
Cecily: [laughing] OMG, this purse is fake Chanel. See, it says Charnel.
Waitress: Yes, queen. That bag is as fake as my orgasms. Trust! [looking at Aidy] And somebody best keep calling the fire department about this one coz that smoky eye situation has become a stop, drop and roll one.
Aidy: [laughing] She got me.
All: [pointing at Gary] Do him. Do him.[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]
Waitress: You’ve never worked for anything in your life. You’ve had everything handed to you. One thing you haven’t been able to purchase is a personality. And a soul. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Alright bitches, I’m gonna sashy away and grab them mimosas.[Waitress walks away]
Pete: Guys, this is pretty fun.
Gary: Is it?
Aidy: Oh, Gary, come on. You’re not upset, are you?
Gary: No. It’s just that with you guys she was really superficial. And then with me, she got dark. It was like there was no joy in her eyes.
Pete: Gary. Get over it.
Cecily: Yeah. That is what drag queens do, okay? They throw shade. They read beads. It’s just part of the whole experience.
Gary: Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being too sensitive.
Aidy: Oh, here she comes again.[Waitress walks in with two drinks, one in each of her hands.]
Waitress: I’m back, kitty girls. Oh, sure, damn! There’s four of you and I only brought two. [to Cecily] Well, I made you extra strong coz you’re gonna have to rub front with that thirsty troll. [to Aidy] Also, I called 911 to help out with the tragedy that is that smoky eye situation.
Aidy: She will not let go of my smoky eye.
Pete: Yo, don’t forget about Gary.[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]
Waitress: When was the last time someone smiled coz you walked into a room? I can’t imagine anyone driving joy from seeing such an overprivileged husk of a shallow human being. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Okerr! I’m gonna be back with some menus.[Waitress walks away. Everyone’s laughing except Gary.]
Gary: What? I don’t get it. I’m a nice guy. People like me. And it has nothing to do with my godfather being Dyson Vacuum guy.
Pete: Oh, Gary. She’s just teasing.
Gary: No. She hates me. Look.[Cut to Waitress staring at Gary with angry face from far] [Cut to everyone]
Cecily: Gary, you have to take what she’s saying with a grain of salt.
Gary: It just seems that the grains of salt that she’s giving me are coarser than those being served to you.
Aidy: Oh, Gary. You don’t have a poetic mind. You shouldn’t try to speak in metaphors.
Pete: Yeah, Gary. Just enjoy her sass.
Gary: Oh, my god. Here she comes. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Seriously, I might cry.
Cecily: Already? Okay. But then, that’s it for the day.[Waitress walks in with the menus]
Waitress: Got you menus you hungry, hungry whores. [Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes] And you. I know you’re used to everything just being handed to you but not today, Gary Watson.
Gary: Wait. How do you know my full name?
Waitress: Don’t you recognize me?
Gary: Um, no.
Waitress: Does this help? [She takes off her wig. Actually he’s a man. He takes off his fake breasts too.] Now?
Waitress: Okay. What if I do this?[Waitress takes off his glasses and wipes his lipstick.]
Gary: Milton Saunders?
Milton: Correct. I was your intern over five years ago. You scolded me over a lunch order when I worked for you at Golden Sachs. Well, guess what? I’m a junior VP at Credit Suisse now.
Gary: Wait, then why are you working here?
Milton: My friend owns the restaurant and told me you were coming.
Gary: Wait. So, you got into full drag just to insult me?
Gary: But it must have taken like, two hours to get in all this.
Milton: Four. Contouring takes a while if you’re new to it. Anyway, I accept your apology.
Gary: I didn’t say I was sorry.
Milton: Now, does everyone know what they like to order?
Cecily: Wait. You’re still gonna take our order?
Milton: Yes. The agreement was that I would work a whole shift. So, what you bitches wanna eat?
Gary: Okay. I guess I’ll have the breakfast burrito with the sour cream, one the side, please. Don’t mess it up like five years ago.
Milton: Yes, sir. Immediately sir. Dammit!