Drake Archives - SNL Transcripts Tonight

Drake PSA

Courtney… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with women standing and talking.]

Courtney: Are you a woman? Have you ever dated the rapper Drake?

Punkie: Have you ever met Drake at a party? Talked on Instagram?

Courtney: Or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant?

Keke: Has Drake then referenced you, your relationship or the potential there up in a song?

Courtney: If the answer is yes, you are not alone.

Keke: There are thousands of us, and you may be entitled to benefits.

Chloe: For too long we have witnessed Aubrey Drake gram right hit after hit about women who have wronged him.

Sarah: And some women who have done nothing at all.

Chloe: Only to earn millions of dollars.

Punkie: Well today, her loss is our gain.

Heidi: Because we, the thousands of Drake’s exes and shawties have voted to join forces.

Keke: And officially unionize as the United Tingz of Aubrey.

Punkie: It is time that we stand up and fight for our rights as Tings in the united front.

Courtney: My name is Courtney. I left Drake a voicemail once about an overdue car payment. And now I’m an interlude on an album. How does that work?

Heidi: I serve Drake some leather straps at PF Changs and 2009. I laughed at it as joke about our huge menus, and apparently I’m his ex now? Make that make sense.

Punkie: Well, Drake hit on me at a Dave and Busters once. I told him that I was a lesbian and he said, “Me too.”

Keke: My name is Keke Palmer. And that “Kiki, do you love me” song ruined my damn life. That man had the whole internet asking if I was the Kiki. Well, yes, I am the Keke, just got that Kiki. It was my name first. Stop acting like we smashed, and give me my damn $6 million.

Sarah: Drake sent me a Bobby Hill GIF on Instagram once. I said who is that? Next thing I know, I’m that goofy shawty from Virginia Beach who curved him.

Chloe: We may have started from the bottom, but we still here.

Keke: To be clear. To be clear, a union membership is not dependent on dating Drake. You may qualify as one of our Aubrey Tingz if you met Drake at a basketball game, met Drake at a club, saw Drake at a club, been to a club at all.

Punkie: Have dined at the following restaurants. Ruth’s Chris steakhouse. Carbone. Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu.

Sarah: But here at United Tingz of Aubrey, we believe in a brighter future.

Punkie: One where Tingz can be left alone.

Keke: and your name stays out of Drake’s mouth.

All: 525,600 shawties. 525,600 Tingz.

Keke: In strip clubs and airports, black women who live in Memphis.

Courtney: It doesn’t matter if you’ve met him at all.

Man: United Tingz of Aubrey. #TingsAcrossAmerica.

Pete Davidson “Drake” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson recording in his home] [music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] I’m just– I’m just here to have fun my friend

[Subtitle reads “From his mom’s basement.”]

we’re just making so much money. Wearing watches and getting beautiful women. You know, I’m just wearing this chain and I don’t know what to do.

Uh-yeah

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
number one on the Billboard
number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

And I need you now
But you in New York and I’m in Macau
I’d be with you, but this is an obstacle
It’s just, it’s not physically possible
Like Mission Impossible, I’m Tom Cruise
Don’t wanna be losin’ you, I take a cruise in you
Penélope Cruisin’ too
I’m a tough guy, but hey, my heart take bruises too, uh

You are my love, you are my love
My baby girl, my number one
My baby girl, my number one
Like my Billboard song

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

Office of the Speaker of the House

William… Drake

The Speaker… Taran Killam

Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]

William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?

The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.

William: Me too, sir.

The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.

William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.

The Speaker: That’s great.

William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.

The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.

William: And he has the body of a baby.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?

William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.

[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]

Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.

The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?

[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]

William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.

The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.

Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.

The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.

[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]

Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is.

[Dick Patterson raises the file again]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lowers the file]

Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–

[Dick Patterson raises the file]

Where’d he go?

[Dick Patterson lower the file]

There he is. Found him.

The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.

[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]

Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]

The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.

Dick Patterson: Fair enough.

The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.

Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.

[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor] [The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]

Alright. Let me take a look at this.

[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]

Alright.

[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]

All set.

The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.

William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.

Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]

William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.

[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.

William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.

Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.

[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]

Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.

[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]

Cecily: Thank you.

Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.

[Cecily is in pain]

Cecily: Thank you so much.

[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]

Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.

[Cecily leaves]

William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.

The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.

Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.

William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.

[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]

Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.

The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.

Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.

[Dick Patterson crawls out] [The End]

Drake’s Beef

Drake

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Leslie Jones

Lorne Michaels

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Drake’s Beef video bumper] [Cut to four colleagues talking to each other]

Vanessa: You know, I never use this word, but I said, “That was cray!”

[everybody laughing] [Drake walks in]

Drake: What’s up guys?

All: Hey!

Drake: I’m having just a little trouble with the TV most. I was just wondering if you guys could fix it.

Pete: Oh yeah. Usually you just get the remote and you press on. You don’t have TVs in Canada?

[everybody laughing]

Drake: No, we have TVs in Canada.

Pete: I know. I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding man.

Drake: Yeah, I know.

Vanessa: Yeah. I was just saying like, I don’t use the word ‘cray’ very often, but I used it and it gets…

[Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Yo, F* you Pete
you made a fool out of me

I used to trust you dawg
Now you embarrassing me

and you’re skinny as hell
and you make me mad
you think you funny, huh?
Well, you ain’t Josh GAD

and you tattoo sucks
you’re the guy no one likes

We used to be best friends
Now we foes for life
Damn!

[Cut to Drake walking the hallway] [Drake runs into Leslie. She is using her phone]

Drake: What’s up, Leslie?

Leslie: Huh?

Drake: No, I was just saying. I was like, “What’s up, Leslie?”

Leslie: Ay, man! I’m sorry. I- was just distracted. Check you later.

[Leslie walks away using her phone] [Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Oh you icing me b*
what did I do to you?
you used to be my best friend
now I’ll never trust you
is it stuff that I said?
cause if not that’s wack
most people I know
they would have said hi back

Damn!

[gun shot sound] [Cut to Drake sitting alone.] [Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hey. Anybody using this chair?

[There’s Drake’s hat on the chair. Aidy puts the hat on the table and sit on the chair.] [Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Actually I was you bitch
It was for my hat
but for took it from me
Now we nevergoing back
I can never trust you
coz you a ruin to my hat
If Josh GAD was here
he would have made me laugh

damn!

[gunshot sounds] [Cut to Drake sitting alone. He drinks water out of bottle. There’s a little water left in the bottle.] [Janitor walks in]

Drake: Hi there.

[The janitor takes the bottle and puts it on the trash]

Oh, I actually wasn’t done.

[The janitor looks at Drake and walks away] [Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping] [rapping] I said I wasn’t done
you little f* ice cream
I had like 10 sips left
you just so damn men
Now I got no friends
and I’ve got no water
and I lost my hat

Damn!

[machine gun sound] [Cut to Drake sitting in the dressing room] [Lorne Michaels walks in]

Lorne: Drizzy. How’s it going?

Drake: Oh! I feel like– I feel like it’s going great.

Lorne: [patting on Drake’s shoulder] You’re doing a good job.

[Drake is getting angry] [rap beat starts playing] [Cut to Drake rapping]

Drake: [rapping] Good job. That’s it?
I’m doing great, you bitch!
Say that again to my face
then suck my d*

[Cut back to Drake and Lorne]

Lorne: Drake, everything okay?

Drake: Um, yeah. Yeah. Everyone’s so nice here. You know?

[Cut to Drake’s rapping video.] [machine gun sound] [The End]

Drake Monologue

Drake

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Drake.

[Drake walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Drake: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. It’s great to be back on SNL. Where’s Toronto at? Toronto in the house tonight? Yeah? So, as you can tell, I’m from Canada and I know what you’re thinking, but no, you can not move in with me if Trump wins. I’m sorry. That’s a no. I really am glad to be here, but you’ll have to excuse me if I seem a little upset. Backstage, right before I came out, my friend showed me this meme he found online and it, and it just, it really shook me. It was a picture of me dancing in my Hotline Bling video and some joker had put a caption on it that said “when you farted and got away with it.” And if I’m being real, like it hurts, you know. Seems like this keeps happening to me. I dunno. It’s almost like all I can do is sing about it. So…

[Drake gets a mic]

I’m ready.

[singing] Drink Swiss with some old friends
That’s when it happens again
I start I hearing from a whole fam

that I got cloud on Instagram
trying to hide my reaction
when I read the funny caption
feels like I’m in a bad dream
cause I got turned into another meme, yeah.

I just wanna scream
that I’m more than a meme, that’s right
I just wanna scream
that I’m more than a meme, that’s right
catch me looking with those bedroom eyes
asking if you’re gonna finish those fries?
trying to say you really care about me
But then you put my picture on E T

how can I explain to my mama
when you got my beard on Obama
I do not complain, I’m not a whiner,
but why am I sitting on the Seinfeld diner?
I feel like I’m swimming up stream
against everybody’s memes
Why do they attack me?
And then in fact my favorite team

Look, I’m not just a picture, I have feelings too

Like how would you feel if it happened to you?
if I came after you did a meme or hurting?
Yeah, cause your sketch got cut at the dress rehearsal? Aidy?
What if I found your moment of pain
and use the ball Mount comedy game
now you know what I mean?
I am more than a memed

and look, I get that my face is expressive,
but some of that means all that an aggressive,
I would just say it’s a little excessive
when you go make me the face of Progressive

and the meaning gets distorted
I can only help but feel like crying Jordan
I’m more than a meme

Oh ladies and gentlemen, do I have a treat for you tonight? Rihanna is here tonight. Make some noise.

[Rihanna’s ‘Work’ starts playing]

[Drake wears a wig]

Oh, I’m so excited to be here. Oh my god! Oh my god!

Yeah.

See Drake in a meme, meme, meme, meme, meme, meme
But I got them unseen, seen, seen, seen, seen, seen
I swear we only friend, friend, friend, friend, friends

Alright, Rihanna is incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for her, please.

For me it’s take it as a side of self esteem
feels like I’m the victim of the internet scheme
It’s just hard than it seems
You don’t love me for me, you just love me for memes

Listen, we’ve got a great show. Drake is here as musical guest. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Dennis Walls and the Cookies

Charlice… Leslie Jones

Donald… Kyle Mooney

Dennis Walls… Drake

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with PBS video bumper]

You are watching PBS.

[Cut to Charlice]

Charlice: Here on PBS, we rely on generous donations from our viewers to bring you great, classic shows like this one. 1978 ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with Dennis Walls and the Cookies. Ooh. Charlice, that’s one of my favorites. Mine too, Ronald.

[Donald comes out from Charlice’s behind]

Donald: Charlice, you’re standing right in front of me. Also, saying all my lines.

Charlice: Oh, I’m sorry Donald. You know, you gotta jump in there, baby. Go ahead and say your line.

Donald: Let’s–

Charlice: [interrupting] Let’s walk to show Charlice.

[Cut to ‘Sexy Kind of Evening’ intro]

Male voice: It’s ‘Sexy kind of evening’ with RnB legend Dennis Walls.

[Cut to Dennis Walls. There are two women ‘cookies’ behind him.]

Dennis Walls: How sexy does everybody feel tonight? Very sexy? Thought so. I’m Dennis Walls and these are my backup signature cookies. And I’ve got to know, how my cookies is doing tonight?

Cecily: Oh, us cookies are hot.

Kate: And sweet.

Cecily and Kate: And then we will spoil your appetite.

Dennis Walls: Umm. Umm. Standing up here with my sexy cookies makes me feel like my birthday came early this year, but I never come early. Right cookies?

Kate: That’s nasty.

Cecily: How come is it nasty?

Kate: Look cookie. She’s the dumb one.

Cecily: But I own it, don’t I?

Dennis Walls: Now, come on cookies. Let’s go get comfortable and start off sexy show.

[Dennis Walls, Cecily and Kate walk to their set]

Hey, why is this stool so small? Why would somebody give me a foot stool?

Cecily: Maybe the director’s still mad at you for forgetting his name.

Dennis Walls: Oh man. I got nothing but respect for Sid.

Kate: His name is Tom.

Dennis Walls: Well, should I throw a fit?

Kate: No baby. That’s not your style.

Cecily: I know what will make it better. Letting that deep sexy baritone voice out from under that mustache cave.

Dennis Walls: Oh, I like the way my cookies think. Hand me my mic.

[Dennis Walls gets a mic] [singing] Shake off your body

[When he sings on the mic, his voice sounds like baby’s.]

Oh, something’s wrong here. I sound funny. There’s something wrong with the mic.

Cecily: Yeah, baby. Something’s wrong with your mic. You sound like a little chipmunk.

Kate: Or a little bug cartoon.

Dennis Walls: I think I have no choice but to throw my fist, cookies.

Cecily: Oh, don’t go there baby. It will ruin your groove.

Dennis Walls: Oh, alright man. Let’s just finish the song.

[singing] Fly your…

Listen. I’m not gonna use this mic anymore. I can’t ruin my brand.

Kate: Hey, Dennis. What’s behind that big silver curtain over there?

Dennis Walls: [laughing] I bet it’s my big sexy saxophone so I can play ya’ll big sexy sexophone solo.

Kate: Sounds like it could be a big….

Cecily: And sexophone.

Dennis Walls: Well, why don’t I unzip these curtains and I’ll show you just how big it is.

Kate: Oh. That’s nasty again.

Cecily: How come is this nasty also?

[The curtain opens and a stool slides in. There’s a tiny saxophone on the stool that’s the size of a key-ring.]

Dennis Walls: Well, I mean, what happened here? This looks like a little fashion doll saxophone.

Kate: Well, now did you specify a regular size saxophone or did you say Barbara doll size?

Dennis Walls: Now girl, why would I ask for Barbara doll size saxophone? Where’s the logic in this?

Cecily: Ooh, and it’s on a normal size stool. That’s the one you were supposed to sit on earlier. Maybe just try playing it, baby.

[Dennis Walls blows on the tiny saxophone. It sounds like a whistle.]

Dennis Walls: I don’t understand this. We had Kate0 production meetings about what was going to happen here tonight. What is wrong with you, Sydney?

Cecily and Kate: Tod!

Dennis Walls: Forget it. Let’s just not let any of this ruin off our sexy sounds together. Okay, cookies. How about we just move over here to the circular bed and we get sexy for real. [Cecily and Kate walk to the bed] After you.

[Cecily jumps to the bed and the bed starts revolving]

Cecily: Oh, I think we’re moving, Dennis.

Dennis Walls: You know I love me a little motion in ocean, girls. I love it. Alright.

[singing] Let me love you girls
then I can take my time
loving you

Cecily and Kate: So you’re gonna do just to you
Dennis Walls: Yeah, that’s right. Yeah.

I’ll do me real quick
then roll over to you.

[The bed is rotating too fast]

Hang on now. Hold on a second. Is this bed speeding up?

Cecily: Yes, seems like it to me.

Kate: I’m getting scared.

Dennis Walls: Why are we going this fast?

[Cecily falls down]

Hey, sexy?

Kate: Where is she? I cannot get a grip on this.

[Kate falls down too.]

Dennis Walls: Y’all not listening to me.

[Dennis Walls falls down too.]

Male voice: This has been a very sexy evening with Dennis Walls and the Cookies.

[The End]

Car Rental

Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Malcom… Drake

Duan… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Vanessa and Beck entering the car rental]

Vanessa: Honey, there’s no line.

Beck: Amazing. Babe, I can’t wait to Gasper rental and spend our honeymoon driving down route one.

Vanessa: Oh, it’s going to be so beautiful.

[Malcolm speaking on the office phone]

Malcolm: Girl. What do you mean we break it up? Well, if you’d be responding to my texts on time, maybe I wouldn’t have gone home with her. I mean how was I supposed to know she was your twin. Y’all don’t even look alike. Call me when you start to get reasonable, man. Hah! Welcome to Premium. I’m Malcolm. This day is already off the rails. Did y’all hear any of that?

Vanessa: Um, a little bit.

Malcolm: Well, you know, a little bit goes a long way when you’re talking to an ice cold bitch. So… [laughing]

Beck: I see. Okay, well we have a reservation under Dale and Jeanine Robinson.

Vanessa: Oh, we should have a prepaid Ford Mustang convertible reserved. We’re on our honeymoon.

Malcolm: [laughing] Okay. Well, uh, look, there’s good news and there’s bad news. Uh, the bad news is we got no cars.

Beck: What?

Vanessa: What’s the good news?

Malcolm: You know, there really ain’t none. I mean, I figured you might have some for me. That’s what I was looking for.

Beck: This is ridiculous. Can you get your manager?

Malcolm: Oh, for real? So we bring it into that level now. All right partner, for you I’m gonna see what I could do. [Malcolm just looks at the manager’s door and turns back] Yeah, he ain’t available.

Vanessa: You just turned and faced the manager’s door.

Beck: Please get your manager.

Malcolm: If you say so. [Malcolm picks up the phone] Duan. I’ve got this couple up here making a stink man. I don’t know. It’s this beautiful bustin woman, but she with this done ass man right here. I don’t know what she’s doing with him. He must be packing some meat or something sugar.

Beck: Excuse me.

[Duan walks out of the manager’s room]

Duan: Hello, I’m Duan. Now what appears to be the problem?

Vanessa: My husband prepaid for a Ford Mustang convertible and we’re being told you have no cars.

Duan: Well, this is all unbeknownst to me. Malcom.

Malcolm: Huh?

Duan: Where are our cars?

Malcolm: Shoot. Oh man. I’m wrapped up in my own situation. You don’t. My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and it said neither.

Duan: Ooh, Malcolm’s going through it. I’m gonna go take an early lunch.

[Duan turns around and starts walking away]

Beck: Excuse me. Can you just get us our car first?

Duan: No, I needs to eats my turner. All right. That is good for my hair and you know, I like to keep my hair on point. Look at me. I’m breautiful

Malcolm: Yeah. You know, Duan had the alopecia until he went to the hair club?

Duan: Don’t be telling my secrets.
Malcolm: I know bigger secrets in that.

Duan: Is that a threat?

Malcolm: I’m just saying you got plenty words to worry.

Duan: I know that’s right.

Vanessa: Where is our car?

Duan: Oh, did Malcolm not find it for you? Malcolm. Malcolm. Find them a car.

Malcolm: Ah! Look Duan there’s the zero cars in the computer, man.

Duan: Well, did you look out the window? I’m gonna go look out the window. [Duan walks to the window and looks outside] Looks like there’s a Vanessa99Beck, uh, Ford Tempo out there right now. Oh wait, that’s mine. Ooh, that looks really good from here. Shoo. I need to start appreciating what I got.

Beck: Excuse me. My wife asked you about our car.

Duan: Sir. This whole situation is unbeknownst to me. Let me look in the hinder in the computer? Malcolm, move your ass. Let me get in your station.

[Duan pressed the buttons using his pen for several times]

Oh, let’s see. Okay. Oh, here’s something. Yes, there are absolutely no cars.

Vanessa: This is our honeymoon.

Malcolm: Man. Duan, you’re going to have to take this man? I didn’t have my fill of emotion today. Boy. My uncle tried to get me to sell his RV on Craigslist. You ever tried to do that? It’s next to impossible!

Vanessa: What are you talking about?

Beck: You upset my wife.

Duan: Oh baby. Honey, this whole situation is unbeknownst to me. So I’ma tell you what I’m going to do. I will give you the keys to my Ford Tempo. And how about this for a deal? I’m going to charge you the full normal rate for 2015 Mustang convertible?

Beck: What? No.

Duan: All right. That’s fair. I guess that would make in the sense. How about this? You take my Tempo. You drop me off in my show tonight. You take some publicity shots of me on stage from my blurb. You do your little road trip and then you return the car whenever. Just fill up the tank. That’s all I ask. Here. [gives Beck the keys]

Beck: Fine! Whatever.

Duan: Happy honeymoon.

Malcolm: Happy honeymoon.

Black Jeopardy Drake

Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson

Amir… Jay Pharoah

Kaylee… Sasheer Zamata

Jared… Drake

[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]

Male voice: This is Black Jeopardy.

[Cut to Darnell in his set]

Darnell: What up? What up? What up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy. The only jeopardy that shares a studio with Tavin Smiley. I’m your host, Darnell Hayes. And our contestants today are Amir…

[Cut to Amir.]

Amir: What up, bro, bro?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Kaylee…

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Hi.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: And Jared…

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Yeah, it’s actually really good to be her dog. You know, like I couldn’t take the TTC. What man’s made it over anyway, so I’m excited dog.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: What’s going on with your accent there, Jared?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh me? Well, I’m actually Canadian. I’m a Canadian. I’m from Toronto. But I’m ready. I came, I came to play. So let’s do this. All right.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Wait, you’re a black Canadian?

Jared: Obviously, dog. I mean like, yo, there’s thousands of us. I’m sure you’ve met a few of us before.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: [laughing] Nope. Never met one. Well, good luck to you. All right, let’s check out categories. We got [Cut to game screen] “If it’s Sunday”, “Oh, snap!”, “Bye Felicia!”, “Bruh…”, “In my house”, and as always, “White people”. Alright Amir, you’re all returning champ. You pick.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay. Let’s do “If it’s Sunday” for 200.

Darnell: All right. “If it’s Sunday, uncle Trey is going to be wearing this.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: What is this? A knee length easter suit

Darnell: Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. Long as hell. Long as hell, with a whole mess of buttons. Alright. Your pick, Amir.

[Cut to Amir]

Amir: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for 200.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap! Is that your hair?”

[buzzers sound]

Kaylee?

Kaylee: What is, “It’s mine cause I bought it!”

Darnell: Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Show them the receipt, you know. Alright. The board is yours, Keely.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Okay, let’s stay with, “Oh snap!” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. I want to see his face when she finds him.”

[buzzer sound]

Amir.

Amir: Oh, who is Jay Z?

Darnell: Yeah. Right. I guess he got a hundred problems now. You pick, Amir.

Amir: Okay. [Cut to Amir] Cool, cool, cool. Let’s say with “Oh snap!” for 600.

Darnell: Okay. “Oh snap! This comedian was crazy in the 80s with his raw and delirious routines.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh, he’s hilarious. Dog. Who is Rick Maraniss?

Darnell: No! But, that’s a good try, Jared. Why don’t you try picking another category?

Jared: Alright the. Let’s go to “Bro” for 200.

Darnell: It’s “Bruh”. All right. The answer. “Bruh… He thought the best way to get that fame was to be a woman.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: Who is Caitlin Jenner?

Darnell: No. Have some respect for choice.

[buzzer sound]

Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Who is Tyler Perry?

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: That’s it. I mean he did like eight movies in a house coat. Alright, the board is your’s, Kaylee.

[Cut to Kaylee]

Kaylee: Let’s stay with “Bruh…” for 400.

Darnell: Alright. “Bruh… He’s been playing for a while now, but he’s still putting up big numbers.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: This is easy. Who’s my man? Jaromir Yawger yo!

[Cut to Darnell]

You say Yama say what now?

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, dog! He’s a hockey player. The man won the Art Ross trophy four years in a row, fam.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: J-J-Jared! I don’t know you speaking English, but it ain’t my English. The actual answer was dirt. The biscuit.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Come on, Darnell. Black people live all over the world. Gee. You can’t just put us all into one category like…

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Hey, maybe. So Jared, I’m going to go ahead and let you tell that to our American police. Let’s just hear about today. Francis Johnny!

[Cut to Black Jeopardy video bumper]

Male Voice: Thanks Darnell. Today’s black jeopardy winner will receive a month supply of topFoil. Your tupperware bowls don’t have lids? Put some top topfoil on. Stays secure for up to one day. And Oven Heat. Don’t drive up your electric bill. Use oven heat! The easy way to heat your home. Back to you, Darnell.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: Yeah. Yeah. Use that oven heat. Alright, Jared. The board is still your’s.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Oh! Let’s go to “Oh snap!” for eight.

Darnell: Alright. “Oh snap. His new album just dropped and it’s fire.”

[buzzer sound]

Jared.

Jared: I got this. Who is OFA?

Darnell: Excuse me?

Jared: Come on, fam! He’s a rapper. He was nominated for a Juno award, G.

[Cut to Darnell]

Darnell: You know it’s like it landed here on earth from a spaceship. No, good rap comes from Canada. Okay? What about Drake? Dog! Who are these people you keep mentioning? Jared, I think Canada is messing up with your blackness.

[Cut to Jared]

Jared: Why do I have to be your definition of black? Huh? You’re judging me before you even know? It’s making me so angry inside dog!

[right answer bell ringing]

Darnell: You just said the secret black phrase of the day, Jared! You win the game. Alright. [music playing] Oh! Well the sound of slow jam means it’s time to wrap it up. Tune in next week where we give away two tickets to the Sister-Sister reunion show.

[The End]

American Ninja Warrior

Matt Iseman… Beck Bennett

Akbar Gbajabiamila… Drake

Jeff Metcalf… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with American Ninja Warrior intro] [Cut to Matt and Akbar on stage]

Matt: Welcome back to American Ninja Warrior. We just saw high school teacher, Sam Wilkins, complete the course in 2 minutes and 38 seconds.

Akbar: That’s the time to beat tonight. He breeze through the quintuple step, murdered the log roll, flew right up a warp wall and then conquer the salmon ladder.

Matt: You know it. Coming up next is competitor with the very moving story.

[Cut to intro video of Jeff]

Jeff: Hi, I’m Jeff Metcalf. I’m 4Akbar years old and I’m from the beautiful town of Beasley, Texas. Well, it used to be beautiful before the tornado. It leveled everything. Lots of good people lost their homes and that’s when I decided I had to do something. I had to give back. So I use the scraps of wood from what used to be my house to build an obstacle course and what used to be my garage. I just wanted to show the good people easily that even when the chips are down, if you work hard and you put your mind to it, anything is possible.

[Cut to Matt, Akbar and Jeff]

Akbar: Wow. Jeff, you’ve been through a lot.

Jeff: This isn’t about me. I’m doing it for the people that Beasley.

Matt: And I see some of your friends and neighbors are here tonight to cheer you on.

Jeff: Yeah, there they are. There’s my peeps! [waving hand] Hey guys!

[Jeff’s people cheering for him.]

Matt: Okay Jeff, are you ready?

Jeff: I am no longer Jeff Metcalf. I am Captain Tornado. [Jeff puts on his super hero mask] And I’m doing this from my town.

Akbar: Okay. Captain Tornado, go get him. As a reminder and he’ll have to beat Sam’s time for the qualifying round.

Matt: That’s right. How have you been by the way?

Akbar: I’m depressed. No reason really.

Matt: Well, you hide it great. Let’s see if captain tornado will be our next American Ninja Warrior. [Time starts] And he’s off. [Jeff falls into the water in his first jump] and it’s over for Captain Tornado.

Akbar: That was not a good outing for Jeff.

Matt: Let’s take a look at the slow-mo. He completely miss judged where the first mat was.

Akbar: It was almost as if there was absolutely no communication between his brain and his body.

Matt: Now let’s take a look at the reaction of his fans. If you watch closely, you can see the hosts slowly draining from their faces.

Akbar: I mean, any respect that they had for Jeffhas now completely vanished and that’s got to suck for them. They put their eggs in the wrong basket.

Matt: Absolutely. [Jeff walks in] All right Jeff. So, what do you think happened out there?

Jeff: I did bad. I fell down.

Matt: You sure did.

Akbar: But Jeff, because we were so moved by your story, we have a little surprise for you. We decided to give you a special American Ninja do-over.

Jeff: Really?

Matt: That’s right. So use what you learned on your first run and apply it to this one.

Jeff: I will. I won’t let you down on this time. I’m going to do it for Beasley.

Matt: And he is focusing up.

Akbar: Look at the intensity on his face.

Matt: He’s not going to let this rare second chance slip away.

[as time starts, Jeff jumps on the first mat, slips and falls into the water again.]

Oh, he flew again.

Akbar: It’s almost as if his heart is in the right place but his body is absolute junk.

Matt: Maybe naming yourself after the thing that destroyed your town wasn’t the best choice.

Akbar: Well, let’s look at the slow-mo. I expected him to look a little more disappointed. I mean, he almost looks happy.

Matt: I hate to see it, but I think that’s an IP face. And here he comes grappling up the stage. [Jeff walks in] Jeff, how did that feel?

Jeff: Not good.

Matt: Are you embarrassed?

Jeff: Do over. I was not ready. My shoes were wet. And I think that thing’s broken.

Akbar: No, Jeff, unfortunately we don’t have time. I’m sorry.

Jeff: I have to do this for my peeps, please.

Matt: Oh, they’re long gone, Jeff. They’re outta here. Take a look.

Jeff: I don’t care. I got to do this. I’m doing this for Beasley.

[Jeff just runs and tries to go through the track again. But then, he falls in his first step again.]

Matt: Wow. He just tried to run across the water.

Akbar: What a do. And just a reminder, he did this for his town.

Matt: He lost his dignity, and he also lost pants.

[Jeff comes out of the water without pants.]

Akbar: That tornado destroyed their home that this tornado destroyed their spirit and showed its penis. We’ll be right back with more American Ninja Warrior.

[The End]

Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling] [The End]